Defensiveness over his kids

[tiredofthisshit21]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to my other posts. Not sure whether to put this in step-parenting or relationships. Have been with husband for 8 years, married for 3. He has one teen still at home and I have one about to leave for uni.

My issue is that every time I ask him to address something with his son it blows up into a huge row. This morning, I go downstairs to find that SS has left the fridge door wide open after getting out his packed lunch. He'd left the house 15 mins earlier so it had been open a while. Good job I was last to leave the house or it would have been open all day. This shit irritates me as his son walks round glued to his phone meaning he often forgets to do the most basic of things like flush the loo or close the fridge door after him. So I text him asking him to mention it. Short text, to the point. He accuses me of being aggressive (I wasn't) and said 'oh the door must have swung open, he wouldn't have left it open. Erm, that's not really how fridge doors work... Anyhow I call him to discuss and he just hangs up on me. Rude. So now the situation has escalated because he hasn't just dealt with it and moved on, and now I'm angry at him for hanging up on me.

This all sounds fairly minor and petty except it happens on a regular basis and I am worn down with it. So I either run round after his son making sure he's done the basic stuff he should just do, and bite my tongue so as to avoid a row, or I raise it and it escalates? What do I do?

I've just asked him to stop with the victim behaviour and he genuinely didn't know what I was talking about until I spelt it out. He said 'but that's how you make me feel.' Putiing his issues onto me.

OP,
Not to justify your husband's response, but I too had issues with my husband telling me minor things that my daughter did . To me it smacked of rattling. I would have been particularly annoyed if he had called me during my work day about something that I had no ability or need to address during the work day.

If I have an issue with something that my kids or my step kids do. I address them directly. I function as the adult or one of the adults in charge in my environment. I do not require my husband to act as my intermediary when it comes to dealing with his children. You cede all authority when you do that and you place yourself on the child's level. In essence, you are telling the children that dad is the person of authority in your household.

I do not fear annoyance or anger from my step kids anymore than I fear it from my own children. I do not require that any of the children like or agree with what I ask or tell them to do. It is their right not to like or agree. I expect them to do as I say.

I am not bothered by their grumbling or eye rolling, etc. I do not require agreement only compliance is required.
I do not consider eye rolling and grumbling as disrespectful responses so much as a representation of the kids thoughts about my directives, and they are entitled to their own feelings. However, I do expect them to comply with my instructions regardless of how they might feel .
I take the same approach when dealing with any children who are left in my care.

My authority comes from being the adult in charge at that time. Children will generally accept you as the authority figure if you present yourself that way.

Not surprised his DC are unable to function at a minimum level. Their father sounds like a giant baby himself.

I would have been particularly annoyed if he had called me during my work day about something that I had no ability or need to address during the work day.

She didn't ring, she texted, which is not disruptive at all. The step son wasn't in the house at the time so she naturally didn't deal with it there and then.

I agree that OP should feel she has the authority to address these things herself but do people honestly think her husband would react well to that, given how defensive he gets when she mentions his sons behaviour to HIM? This is a pattern of behaviour, doesn't start and end just with being annoyed about being texted at work.

I hear where you are coming from but although I was an ok teen my parents did everything for me but it didn't stop me working or being able to keep a clean tidy house and same for my older children. It is a teen stage which they will get over. But if it bugs you nothing wrong in mentioning it. For context it does seem like different parenting as I had experience of my partner picking on the small stuffed it is exhausting.

It's so frustrating, my DP is also defensive. I can't bring up the tiniest thing without it looking like I am being over critical or 'getting at them' so I rarely do now. It also turns into tit-for-tat and my kids end up getting dragged.

@Tiredoftattler

OP, Not to justify your husband's response, but I too had issues with my husband telling me minor things that my daughter did . To me it smacked of rattling. I would have been particularly annoyed if he had called me during my work day about something that I had no ability or need to address during the work day.

If I have an issue with something that my kids or my step kids do. I address them directly. I function as the adult or one of the adults in charge in my environment. I do not require my husband to act as my intermediary when it comes to dealing with his children. You cede all authority when you do that and you place yourself on the child's level. In essence, you are telling the children that dad is the person of authority in your household.

I do not fear annoyance or anger from my step kids anymore than I fear it from my own children. I do not require that any of the children like or agree with what I ask or tell them to do. It is their right not to like or agree. I expect them to do as I say.

I am not bothered by their grumbling or eye rolling, etc. I do not require agreement only compliance is required.
I do not consider eye rolling and grumbling as disrespectful responses so much as a representation of the kids thoughts about my directives, and they are entitled to their own feelings. However, I do expect them to comply with my instructions regardless of how they might feel .
I take the same approach when dealing with any children who are left in my care.

My authority comes from being the adult in charge at that time. Children will generally accept you as the authority figure if you present yourself that way.

This is all well and good if your husband actually allows you to function as an adult authority in the household.

Sadly, there are a lot of NRPs terrified that their children will decide they don't want to come if anyone says anything even slightly negative about their conduct. Or who will project their feelings about their children's behaviour and/or their need to do something about it on to their partners.

And/or who actively undermine your authority as an adult in the house.

But, I'm also curious, how does any of this fit with your general assertion that your partner should be able to assert his parenting values without you interfering? Maybe her husband is happy to have children leave the fridge door open all day and have the food spoil. Shouldn't the OP just accept that is his position and swallow her own feelings down. Otherwise she might be imposing her own values and interfering in a situation he's perfectly happy with.

You two really need to split. All your previous posts have been about the older SS, now he's at uni, it's the younger one.

It's clearly never going to work. Most of the time you don't even sound like you like your husband.

@CornishGem1975

It's so frustrating, my DP is also defensive. I can't bring up the tiniest thing without it looking like I am being over critical or 'getting at them' so I rarely do now. It also turns into tit-for-tat and my kids end up getting dragged.

Oh. The completely irrelevant dragging of your kids into it is infuriating.

'DH, DSS is being aggressive and scaring the baby. Will you do something about it please?'

'Oh he's he's just excited'.

'He's throwing wooden blocks at him.'

'Well, your DS left his towel on the floor. He's not perfect, you know'.

🤦🏻‍♀️

What do you do with that?

(And no. Telling DSS off is not an option. He ignores me and then his father has a go that I was mean to him. Nor is just removing the baby. Then I'm being nasty and excluding the SC/preventing them from having a relationship with the baby.)

@excelledyourself

You two really need to split. All your previous posts have been about the older SS, now he's at uni, it's the younger one.

It's clearly never going to work. Most of the time you don't even sound like you like your husband.

I wouldn't like him either

No stepkids but my Dh does the oh I'm so crap etc stuff whenever we argue.

Much like a tantrum for a teen I just ignore it. Or say something like no it's not you that's crap just your behaviour so change it then I won't have a go.

Neither one goes down well and he sometimes sulks but I am finding ignoring sorts that.

I blame his mother, she enabled the behaviour in his Dad and still does. He's being trained slowly.

@Tiredoftattler I have no problem with asserting my authority in my own house. But what I do have a problem with is being seen as the bad guy who is always nagging/reminding the kids to do x,y & z. It's not my job to parent my husband's kids. If I did all the reminding he would step back even further from the parenting role and leave it all to me. I'm not prepared for that to happen.

@FishyFriday EXACTLY that. It drives me insane.

[quote CornishGem1975]@FishyFriday EXACTLY that. It drives me insane.[/quote]
It's depressing beyond all belief, isn't it? 😩

And yes, if my stepson had still been in the house I would have told him to close the fridge door myself. Just like I've told him to close the front door behind him when he comes in about a billion times.

@excelledyourself has it not occurred to you that quite often when women are coming onto this site to get advice, they are frustrated with the situation and yes, in that moment they quite probably don't like their husbands/partners very much. I find your reply unhelpful. So we should all leave our husbands should we when we disagree? I'm trying to work through these problems and have had some helpful advice from some.

@tiredofthisshit21
I have to agree with you there. I really hate it when every answer to a question about your DH or DP is just LTB. Is there no negotiation or in between the best and the worst anymore. It has to be all lovey dovey flowers and wine or just LTB cos he is no good.

With regard to your own issue I do agree with others on here who say that when he plays the "poor me" victim card either ignore him or answer with "yeah - I don't know why you are a shite dad" or whatever his current moan is about. Just agree and hopefully he soon shuts up pulling that BS.

[quote tiredofthisshit21]@excelledyourself has it not occurred to you that quite often when women are coming onto this site to get advice, they are frustrated with the situation and yes, in that moment they quite probably don't like their husbands/partners very much. I find your reply unhelpful. So we should all leave our husbands should we when we disagree? I'm trying to work through these problems and have had some helpful advice from some.[/quote]
It wasn't a criticism. He sounds unbearable. My genuine advice is leave him, because you have posted about the same issues with him numerous times.

It really is @FishyFriday, and my DP is AMAZING in every way but it's his sensitive spot and I get that. He's protective over his kids. I just wish it didn't turn into that every time. I try not to 'criticise' now and bite my tongue.

@tiredofthisshit21 @cstaff I agree. Honestly, the cries that you should immediately leave because of one area of discontent are ridiculous. Does nobody want to try and work on their issues anymore?!

@CornishGem1975 I wish I could say that was my husband's only drawback. But no. I think he's got a full house in nightmare NRP bingo. Plus some added annoyances. 🤦🏻‍♀️

It really is @FishyFriday, and my DP is AMAZING in every way but it's his sensitive spot and I get that. He's protective over his kids. I just wish it didn't turn into that every time. I try not to 'criticise' now and bite my tongue.

This is the thing though @CornishGem1975 - why should you have to bite your tongue because he over-reacts to certain things? That's where I'm at with it. I'm more likely to leave him over sheer frustration if I bottle things up and bite my tongue than I am over rows like this. He needs to deal with his issues and learn to respond differently without bringing all of the emotion into it. All I needed from that test this morning was a response saying 'ok I'll have a word with him.' THAT'S IT! Hours of resentment and arguing would have been avoided. It's not healthy to have to bite your tongue because you know your husband is going to over-react.

This is the only thing that we argue about. Ever. He's good in every other way. Supportive. Kind. Loves me. Thoughtful. Does his share around the house. So do I really want to leave him over this one thing? Not really.

asofa -thanks for the online abuse .

I repeat this all the time it does get tiresome but such is life with kids.

I agree the DP has over reacted but the constant nit picking by the OP is also verbal abuse and would make me defensive

@bogoffmda

asofa -thanks for the online abuse .

I repeat this all the time it does get tiresome but such is life with kids.

I agree the DP has over reacted but the constant nit picking by the OP is also verbal abuse and would make me defensive

Sending a text saying the fridge was left open can you mention it is NOT verbal abuse. The fact that you think that and just think he "overreacted" shows the bias I was talking about. You blame the step parent on every thread you're on but it's very hard to take seriously on this one.

I'm not sure who thinks not flushing the toilet and leaving fridge/front doors open is normal teenage behavior, but if you do, you bar is too low and your not raising children who will turn into competent adults!

Op you need to discuss this, it happens regularly he needs to listen to what you are saying and decide if he wants to adjust his parenting or if not figure out where that leaves you. And don't engage with the manipulation just agree with him. He will soon stop doing it.

Wouldn't you prefer just to live with your daughter?