Really pissed off at DP

[SpongebobNoPants]

DP and I are going to meet the puppy on Saturday with a view to adopt. We’ll only be gone for 20 mins tops (meeting locally) and I asked him not to tell the kids what we’re doing because

1. I don’t want them coming when we first go to meet her because I want to check she gets on with our other dog and what we think of her. New puppy is a rescue dog and I’m not yet sure of her temperament.

1. If we don’t think she’s the right fit I don’t want the kids to know in case they get upset and it’ll be a disappointment.

1. SD12’s mum promises her a puppy every other month and she rings us all excited telling us what she’s going to name it, what breed etc but then the dog never materialises which I think is cruel. Mum knows she’s doing this as she often pipes up during the conversations and tells us herself.

I was worried if we told SD about this puppy and then it didn’t happen for whatever reason then we are essentially building her hopes up and not following through just like her mum does.

1. SD will nag the life out of us about the puppy until we’re finally able to collect it and I would rather it was a surprise for all the kids.

1. My DS is with his dad this weekend and I don’t think it’s fair for the other children to meet the dog until he is here too. Blended families are a minefield and we purposely waited to collect our other dog from the rescue shelter to coincide with a day SD was here so none of the kids were left out as it is such an exciting, memorable moment.

1. If we do accept the dog for adoption then we wouldn’t be collecting her until Wednesday anyway as I work in the office on Mondays & Tuesdays so at least if we get her on Weds she’s got until Monday morning at home before she’s left with my mum so she’s not unsettled.

I wanted SD12 to come for dinner on Weds and have her surprised with my DCs.

BUT DP didn’t fucking listen and told SD which resulted in her royally kicking off that we’re going to see the puppy without her.

She’s being sulky, rude and outwardly hostile. I predicted this would happen and specifically and clearly asked DP not to tell any of the children, I’m particular SD12 because I knew she’d kick off about not being able to come and it’s ruined what should have been a nice surprise for all the children.

He had to go and be a bloody Disney dad and get in there first and tell her. He was sneaky and waited until he was out of the house and called her.

He’s overrode mutually decided agreements twice this week and I’m so fucking angry with him. I was right about what would result from these things both times and now he’s in a mood with me because I was right.

Why the fuck do these men behave like this??? I honestly sometimes feel like I’m the only one trying to keep the harmony and peace in this blended family. And it’s made even harder when your opinions and requests are completely disregarded!!!

@Footloosefancyfree I said several times in post that I want all the kids to meet the puppy at the same time.

Although after DP’s and SD’s appalling behaviour I’m tempted not to tell anyone and actually collect the puppy after work on Tuesday and blindside them all.
Ungrateful shits the pair of them. I don’t blame SD, she’s a product of ineffective parenting.

Don't get the puppy, don't marry him, he's a twat who is happy to treat your children less favourably if it means his own children get treated better as a result.

@GrumpyHoonMain I may just do that. We’re meeting her at my mum’s house nearby.

@ThankYouHunkyJesus oh no... I couldn’t do that...
I’m definitely getting the puppy

Cancel the puppy, explain why

We’re definitely (assuming she’s the right fit) getting the puppy because my decision to get another dog is not based on SD’s wants or demands.

We’re getting another dog because our other dog is a rehomed dog who has always loved with other animals and would thrive with a companion. Plus I fucking love dogs

We’re not cancelling the puppy but I don’t really want SD and DP being a part of it now.

Re:- your daughter - less people at the meal means more money to spend on her! Make it the best meal out ever.

I’m thinking mocktails, 3 courses, most expensive item on the menu etc.

Think Disney Dad on speed!

(Dd once competed in a competition and it went very very wrong despite her training really hard before hand and doing everything right. I took her out for dinner on the way home and did exactly that.)

@Mumoftwoinprimary love this idea!

Are you really, really, sure that you should take on a dog.
Because of DH stupidities you are having to manage the entire family.
You have all the DC and the house and him (bless him).
Now you are taking on a dog it will be more work and the effect will be more than an extra child.
Can you step back from this and conserve your strength?

Adopt the dog rehome the idiot partner

he's a twat who is happy to treat your children less favourably if it means his own children get treated better as a result.

This is an important point. I would have some serious discussions before marrying him.

Now you are taking on a dog it will be more work and the effect will be more than an extra child

Not really... having 2 dogs really is no more hassle than having 1. Same amount of feeding and walks etc.
It’s for me, I want the dog. I’m not going to not get a pet because DP & SD have behaved badly.

Not only is he being a twat to you, he's setting his daughter up to fail. After her mums behaviour over a puppy you rightly predicted how emotive it is for her. Has he deliberately set out to upset everyone this week after your very well thought out plan to include everyone.

I guess it's not a case of LTB if he isn't normally like this, but I'd make it very clear you won't put up with this behaviour again.

@EKGEMS it is a tempting proposition

If this was an ongoing pattern of behaviour or if it continues then I will not put up with it. It’s just been the last week or so.

I’m just furious with him over this because as a SM you constantly feel like you have to be extra careful not to be seen as “wicked” or unwelcoming but when I try and do something lovely then it gets turned around like I am the wicked stepmum.
It’s completely out of order

Go for the easy option, get a couple of puppies and ditch the STBH - far easier to manage.

Honestly, what a dick. I'm not sure men always think before they speak

Disclaimer - not all men obviously..

Hope your daughter has a nice birthday x

So you make all the effort and all he has to do is nothing, but instead he goes out of his way to fuck up your plans and upset the children? Wtf is his problem?!

I would have been fuming! Sorry Sponge, your DP has been a complete dick on this occasion (and others by the sounds of it).

Fuck Dad guilt, such a pain in the arse.

@EKGEMS

Adopt the dog rehome the idiot partner

Haha.

I'm sorry he's being such a dick @SpongebobNoPants.

Why do NRFs do this sort of shit? It's exhausting having all the responsibility for thinking things through, being ignored anyway, and then blamed anyway because he did what he agreed he wouldn't. He's doing no one any favours with this crap.

I can't believe he's enabling his daughters to not go to your daughter's birthday meal. That's so rude!

Get the puppy.
Postpone the wedding. Seriously, you really need to be on the same page around parenting decisions with SC involved and if he can't work with you on getting a puppy, then I would reconsider until you're more in synch.

Thanks for all the understanding

I'd be livid too. And it's really not on that he's sulking because his actions have consequences (that you had predicted).

I'd be having a serious chat with him once things have calmed down and saying:

1. when you discuss things as a team and agree them, that should be final. It only seems like a small thing to him, but it has broken your trust. Breaking trust does not a happy and long fulfilling relationship make.

2. you bend over backwards to be fair to his DSC. The quid pro quo is that he does the same for your DC. Ask him to imagine how upset his daughter would have been if you'd collected the puppy when she was at her mum's. Is that ok? No. So why would this be ok?

3. point out that by Disney dadding, instead of making his daughter happy he's actually made her sad. It's spectacularly unfair on her and you.

4. point out that by creating situations that paint you as the wicked stepmum, he is creating a situation that will guarantee that all of you will be deeply unhappy in the long term.

5. Tell him he needs to sit down with his daughter and have an adult conversation. He needs to explain that he got overexcited and fucked up. He needs to tell her that of course you will make sure that she's there when puppy comes home, but to be fair it needs to be when stepsiblings are home too. He needs to explain that puppy might not be coming home at all, as part of being responsible and having a puppy is making sure of temperament and that it is a good fit. (frankly he should offer to do that all himself).

If he listens to all of that calmly, and apologises, and fixes it, fine. If not, and I cannot stress this enough, don't tie yourself to him. He will put his children before yours time and time again, and you will end up hating him for it.

Wow! The puppy thing was annoying enough without the birthday plans too. Can he not see the hurt they could cause your DC? So mean.

Wouldn't just be dpuppy collecting I would be cancelling op....

I too am fuming for you @SpongebobNoPants. Honestly you had thought the whole thing out so thoughtfully & carefully & he just rode roughshod all over it & don't even get me started on the sd's carry on around your dd's birthday.
I'm not saying ltb but I do think the dynamic that is evolving between him and his dd's as they get older is not looking good & I would be rethinking marrying for the moment.
I know this is anecdotal & only my own experience, but exdp's dc's behaviour got significantly worse as they got older & the 'ramsoning' & manipulation was intolerable & affected everyone inc. my dc.
I hope you & your dd have a lovely birthday without their sorry asses & good luck with the puppy.

Hope the puppy meeting goes well and that your Dd has a fabulous birthday OP. Nothing better than dogs - so much less stressful than men.