Really pissed off at DP

[SpongebobNoPants]

DP and I are going to meet the puppy on Saturday with a view to adopt. We’ll only be gone for 20 mins tops (meeting locally) and I asked him not to tell the kids what we’re doing because

1. I don’t want them coming when we first go to meet her because I want to check she gets on with our other dog and what we think of her. New puppy is a rescue dog and I’m not yet sure of her temperament.

1. If we don’t think she’s the right fit I don’t want the kids to know in case they get upset and it’ll be a disappointment.

1. SD12’s mum promises her a puppy every other month and she rings us all excited telling us what she’s going to name it, what breed etc but then the dog never materialises which I think is cruel. Mum knows she’s doing this as she often pipes up during the conversations and tells us herself.

I was worried if we told SD about this puppy and then it didn’t happen for whatever reason then we are essentially building her hopes up and not following through just like her mum does.

1. SD will nag the life out of us about the puppy until we’re finally able to collect it and I would rather it was a surprise for all the kids.

1. My DS is with his dad this weekend and I don’t think it’s fair for the other children to meet the dog until he is here too. Blended families are a minefield and we purposely waited to collect our other dog from the rescue shelter to coincide with a day SD was here so none of the kids were left out as it is such an exciting, memorable moment.

1. If we do accept the dog for adoption then we wouldn’t be collecting her until Wednesday anyway as I work in the office on Mondays & Tuesdays so at least if we get her on Weds she’s got until Monday morning at home before she’s left with my mum so she’s not unsettled.

I wanted SD12 to come for dinner on Weds and have her surprised with my DCs.

BUT DP didn’t fucking listen and told SD which resulted in her royally kicking off that we’re going to see the puppy without her.

She’s being sulky, rude and outwardly hostile. I predicted this would happen and specifically and clearly asked DP not to tell any of the children, I’m particular SD12 because I knew she’d kick off about not being able to come and it’s ruined what should have been a nice surprise for all the children.

He had to go and be a bloody Disney dad and get in there first and tell her. He was sneaky and waited until he was out of the house and called her.

He’s overrode mutually decided agreements twice this week and I’m so fucking angry with him. I was right about what would result from these things both times and now he’s in a mood with me because I was right.

Why the fuck do these men behave like this??? I honestly sometimes feel like I’m the only one trying to keep the harmony and peace in this blended family. And it’s made even harder when your opinions and requests are completely disregarded!!!

Nothing better than dogs - so much less stressful than men
My dog listens to me and gives me no hassle!

@spongebobnopants really sorry such a nice idea, considerately thought out so everyone could enjoy (+ no one get their knickers in a twist if this particular puppy wasn't right) went tits up :-( Goes to show sometimes you just can't win. Men?????

My DP can do this sometimes with his kids.

I honestly don’t think he always realised he’s doing it. But he can definitely pander to their wants and needs when they come round, and it can pee me off as as you say it’s different when it’s my kids.

One main example which I’ve put my foot down about is I do a dinner menu for the month, his kids days change each week for dinner according to schedule/what other parent is doing etc. Mine change too.

But he’s taken to often saying to his DC when they ask what’s for tea on such a day ‘it’s ..., why what did you want?’ It really pees me off as it takes me ages to sort the menu out and make it spaced out with dinners, what we get out for maybe 2 different meals a week. I don’t do It for my kids as they get what’s on there so Ive told him we aren’t doing it for his either.

As if we change one thing it changes the whole week/month.

Seems petty maybe but it’s so annoying and if I did this with my 2 so they always picked what they liked he’s be saying no way.

Had a similar situation here where we kept it all secret and then told them all together by presenting them with a photo and then he arranged to actually collect the dog when his DS was with us and mine were at their dad's. His DS got to come and see the pup with all his siblings and parents etc and was here for the pup's first night
My kids were a bit pissed about that but luckily soon forgot once they arrived the next morning.

He was wrong to tell the children about the dog if he had agreed he wouldn’t.

The birthday meal I wouldn’t have an issue with. I’d not really want to go either. The adults may have chosen to have the relationship but the children don’t have any choice and shouldn’t be forced to spend time together if they choose not too.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss they’re not being forced, they’d asked to come then decided they had other stuff they’d rather do which is rude.
Also when it’s their birthdays they fully expect to be the centre of attention etc but when it’s not about them they don’t seem to care.
I’m more annoyed about my DP saying he might not have come to be honest. He did in the end, which I’m glad about because I’d have been really cross if he hadn’t.

Anyway... met the dog, she’s gorgeous. We love her and are picking her up on Weds as planned

If this is new/unusual behavior by your DP (and given your that DSD is nearing adolescence and you/DP are getting married)...is there any sense your DP feels uncomfortable sharing a secret (puppy) with you that he does not share with his daughter? I hope not. That would be something to address before it becomes a habit.

I'm sorry to hear you DP did this OP, it wasn't on at all, especially given what you'd previously agreed, and I'd be cross too.

I've seen a few recent threads of yours, and it seems your DP has form for Disney Dadding...be aware that getting married is NOT going to change his behaviour in this regard, so I'd be thinking hard about whether to go ahead with the wedding if I was you.

Also when it’s their birthdays they fully expect to be the centre of attention etc but when it’s not about them they don’t seem to care

Do you mean they expect to be the centre of attention from your children or their dad. Two very different things.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss from everyone, especially from me and my DCs

Been there done that with my husband bloody frustrating. Please don't cave in and let SD see the dog it really wouldn't be fair to single out one child over the others. I completely understand why she's feeling emotional about it all though. With the birthday I would have made them come for the meal, it's once a year and it is respectful. I have a SD it's hard to keep things blended well done to you for being a great mum all round. Your bloke is a arse he probably meant we'll and got over excited himself.

Only on MN would inviting step children to a party they actively wanted to go to be painted as something negative, and them choosing not to go on the day perfectly reasonable.

@QP,
Maybe a part of the problem is the thinking that you have reached a mutually agreed upon decision when in fact there is no real buy-in from both parties.

It seems to be more of a communications problem than a parenting problem.

Maybe the question to be addressed is why you 2 leave a discussion with 2 apparently different views of the consensus reached?

Maybe, it would be a good idea to have a sit down with the kids and discuss the fact that because their are times when you are all not together that someone may miss out on a particular event. Kids have the ability to grasp that things sometimes happen when they are not present. They are far more likely to adapt and accommodate situations that are openly acknowledged and for which they are allowed some input into the resolution of the issues.

Using the puppy situation as an example, why not ask all of the kids what they would have chosen as the best way to introduce the puppy to your unit/group?

Do you need to marry him? Why not just date him, preferably in separate houses? Less stress, drama and drudgery, no minuses.

Well now you know your dc can do whatever they want on sdc birthdays, and I’d tell dh this is the new rule then whatsapp it to him too since his dc have set it. Seriously , not sure getting married to a Disney dad who lets your children get shafted in favour of his is a good idea. How would he feel if you said to the sdc your dad didn’t want to get the dog but I insisted? It’s no less accurate than the shite he’s been communicating.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@QP,
Maybe a part of the problem is the thinking that you have reached a mutually agreed upon decision when in fact there is no real buy-in from both parties.

It seems to be more of a communications problem than a parenting problem.

Maybe the question to be addressed is why you 2 leave a discussion with 2 apparently different views of the consensus reached?

Maybe, it would be a good idea to have a sit down with the kids and discuss the fact that because their are times when you are all not together that someone may miss out on a particular event. Kids have the ability to grasp that things sometimes happen when they are not present. They are far more likely to adapt and accommodate situations that are openly acknowledged and for which they are allowed some input into the resolution of the issues.

Using the puppy situation as an example, why not ask all of the kids what they would have chosen as the best way to introduce the puppy to your unit/group?[/quote]
Why do you assume that they didn't come to a nice, clear agreement and then he saw his daughter and decided to go back on it because he got to play superdad?

@Tiredoftattler there were no communication issues, I clearly communicated what I wanted to happen which he agreed to.
Then as soon as I was out of ear shot told his daughter which is the exact opposite of what we agreed. That is why I was annoyed.

I was not vague, ambiguous or fluffy in the way I communicated to him. I literally could not have been clearer. And he agreed... but he was obviously paying me lip service.

What dog are you getting? 🐶

OP, saying what you want to hear is not the same as communicating. It sounds as though you told him exactly how you wanted to handle the situation. He says yes not because he agrees, and there is no meeting of the minds. It sounds as though he agrees with you when in your presence. He agrees with his daughters when in their presence.

It would appear that all of his agreements are transactional and designed to appease whomever he is talking to in the moment.

I would imagine that he means exactly what he is saying at that moment, but the shelf life of his agreement only last until his next conversation or confrontation.

He wants to please all of you and ends up not pleasing any of you.

@Tiredoftattler

OP, saying what you want to hear is not the same as communicating. It sounds as though you told him exactly how you wanted to handle the situation. He says yes not because he agrees, and there is no meeting of the minds. It sounds as though he agrees with you when in your presence. He agrees with his daughters when in their presence.

It would appear that all of his agreements are transactional and designed to appease whomever he is talking to in the moment.

I would imagine that he means exactly what he is saying at that moment, but the shelf life of his agreement only last until his next conversation or confrontation.

He wants to please all of you and ends up not pleasing any of you.

How about we stop dressing that up as something eminently reasonable, then; he didn't fail to communicate, he lied to and undermined OP. He made an agreement with OP on something that from all angles such as fairness to all the children and the kind of treatment that he and his daughter expect for themselves, was a good one, and then he chose to go back on it. This is not a "why don't they both communicate better" issue, it's a "why did he lie about his intentions and totally disregard what he agreed with his partner on behalf of all of the kids" issue.

Yes @aSofaNearYou. It's not a communication problem. It's a problem of intentions and sticking to things.

He's just plain in the wrong here.

@aSofaNearYou
I think that his intention is always the same. He will agree to what is presented in the moment and act in the most convenient and less conflict producing manner in any given moment.

You can place what ever label you want on the behavior the outcome is always the same. Call it appeasement , lying, deceitful, Disney Dad , whatever , it always ends in the same manner and there is never any meaningful agreement.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@aSofaNearYou
I think that his intention is always the same. He will agree to what is presented in the moment and act in the most convenient and less conflict producing manner in any given moment.

You can place what ever label you want on the behavior the outcome is always the same. Call it appeasement , lying, deceitful, Disney Dad , whatever , it always ends in the same manner and there is never any meaningful agreement.[/quote]
Yes but habitually agreeing to things with no intention of keeping to it is deceitful, there's no two ways about it, that is what it is. He is in the wrong behaving like that.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@aSofaNearYou
I think that his intention is always the same. He will agree to what is presented in the moment and act in the most convenient and less conflict producing manner in any given moment.

You can place what ever label you want on the behavior the outcome is always the same. Call it appeasement , lying, deceitful, Disney Dad , whatever , it always ends in the same manner and there is never any meaningful agreement.[/quote]
Still not a communication problem.

That's a being a shit problem.

Do you really have to marry this wet lettuce leaf?

And what breed dogs will you have?? I’m very broody since the loss of ddog this year...