AIBU to say DH will need to make other arrangements

[Wriggling]

I often help DH with school runs on his days with DSC.

I am currently off work on the final leg of my maternity leave and as baby groups have now reopened I want to make the most of these with a friend who is also on maternity.

Unfortunately the group lands on the morning I sometimes help out with school runs and it is at exactly the same time.

AIBU to say to DH that I can't do this anymore on this particular day unfortunately and he will need to make other arrangements between himself and ex?

@ThatIsMyPotato

your baby’s (half) siblings will probably really value that you and the baby drop them at school and make that effort nah they'll just come to take her for granted.

Does anyone really believe that children see someone taking them to school as something they're doing for them?

It's like expecting them to be grateful you bought toothpaste.

I would doubt it, I went to collect DD today and she was horrified. She wanted to walk with her friends so I got sent packing

*Does anyone really believe that children see someone taking them to school as something they're doing for them?

It's like expecting them to be grateful you bought toothpaste.*

Exactly.

FishyFriday that was the point I was trying to make but you said it better. I don't ever want my child feeling grateful I've taken her to school, I want her to take me for granted. I would expect DH to feel grateful if I took his kids to school for him but not my step kids.

@ThatIsMyPotato

FishyFriday that was the point I was trying to make but you said it better. I don't ever want my child feeling grateful I've taken her to school, I want her to take me for granted. I would expect DH to feel grateful if I took his kids to school for him but not my step kids.

That's totally the right attitude.

Taking you kids to school is just what you do. They aren't going to see that as a favour.

But taking his kids school is a favour to your husband/partner. He should realise that you don't have to do it and be grateful for the help.

Yet on MN, there appear to be loads of people who think that a SM is somehow obliged to take her SC to school. And that somehow the SC will be grateful that she took the time to do it.

A lot of people seem to think stepchildren’s happiness is more influenced by what their stepmum does or doesn’t do, or feels or doesn’t feel, or says or doesn’t say, than their own father.

Agree with Oswin it is purely misogyny that drives the suggestion that the ex is somehow responsible for school runs on Dads contact days.

It is up to the OP and her DH to manage the situation between them. They have no right to expect mum to step in.

It is up to the OP and her DH to manage the situation between them. They have no right to expect mum to step in

It's up to DH to manage the situation**

Fixed that for you.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Agree with Oswin it is purely misogyny that drives the suggestion that the ex is somehow responsible for school runs on Dads contact days.

It is up to the OP and her DH to manage the situation between them. They have no right to expect mum to step in.

Why is it up to the OP?

It's her husband's responsibility to get his children to school.

And if anyone else is responsible, obviously it's the children's mother.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Agree with Oswin it is purely misogyny that drives the suggestion that the ex is somehow responsible for school runs on Dads contact days.

It is up to the OP and her DH to manage the situation between them. They have no right to expect mum to step in.

so close and yet so far!

Personally the set up of your child your responsibility wouldn't work for me. DH takes equal responsibility for DD1 and we wouldn't be together if he didn't but we're clearly a different set up to OPs.

OP has helped where she can and now has another commitment so it's the Dad's responsibility not OP's or the ex wife.

I'm really not seeing how this falls to either woman. OP's husband previously flexed work to do drop off so he can do it again. Seems fairly simple

@Willyoujustbequiet

Agree with Oswin it is purely misogyny that drives the suggestion that the ex is somehow responsible for school runs on Dads contact days.

It is up to the OP and her DH to manage the situation between them. They have no right to expect mum to step in.

No, it's up to DH. And if he can't do it he needs to speak to the child's other parent about it.

@AintNoMaryPoppins

I really disagree that it's nothing to do with ex and the DH shouldn't bother her with this at all.

There is never a day when I am not a parent to my child. Whether they are at my house or not.

If their father was struggling to arrange something they needed, I as their mother would want to know so I could do it for them (not him).

I certainly wouldn't like the idea of my child going to a child minder or breakfast club they weren't keen on going to just so heaven forbid I had to be a mother on 'his days'.

I don't get this mentality at all. I am my child's mother 7 days a week, 24hrs a day not just on set days.

If she was working that's different but she isn't. If I were her I would definitely want to be included in the alternative arrangements.

I was a SAHM until DS1 was 16, if his Dad was having him midweek (he never did) I would have offered to help, but I would have been annoyed if there was an expectation that I'd help as I'm a SAHM.

If the Dad wants midweek, he has to deal with every aspect of being the parent. Not expect his Ex or DP to deal with it. If either are happy to, then great, if they're not, then it's tough! As OP said, her dp has managed before by working longer during his lunch break?

@Oswin

OP is not unreasonable at all. But to address other posters. This is something I have noticed occurring more and more on here. That mothers should be fine with being expected to take over on the fathers time. That they are responsible every single day. No one ever expects this of fathers. Imagine a Sm posting that her husbands ex had been in touch to say he needed to do all school runs from now on.

Only fathers get to have work that means they cant take there children to school. Only men get to reduce there contact and use work as an excuse.
Women don't get this. Women are weird and wrong if they treasure the time alone.
Misogyny is what it is.

Exactly! The amount of times I read on here SM's complaining that their dp has got involved with something when the child should have been with the mum, yet it's expected for the mum to get involved when it's the Dads time?!

Personally I think if things are amicable, then brilliant. It's good for the child to see their parents working together to parent them, but I certainly don't think there should be an expectation and either parent should be seen in a bad light for not getting involved.

YANBU baby groups are great for the child and can be a real fit of support to the mother.

I'd say it won't hurt your dh to do the school run once a week, it's not indefinitely and he'll have to start when you return to work anyway

You're at the end of your Mat leave anyway he's going to have to start sorting it out himself soon enough.
Your baby and yourself will benefit from going to groups. Being late is a terrible idea, it will take your DC a while to settle in and walking in to a group thats in mid flow won't be ideal.
SC, while an important part of your family ultimately aren't your responsibility and they have a DF who is capable of doing drop off himself.

Exactly! The amount of times I read on here SM's complaining that their dp has got involved with something when the child should have been with the mum, yet it's expected for the mum to get involved when it's the Dads time?!

And the overwhelming response then is that he's a Dad all the time not just on set days...

I think the point of that posters response was that whether it's her responsibility or not, as their mother there is nothing wrong with mentioning it to her if you're planning on putting the children in a breakfast club, as PPs have suggested he could do, or similar incase she wants to do it herself if she is around. Mine hate breakfast club with a passion, I know they would 100% prefer to be taken by their Mum OR Dad if one of them were around.

Obviously he's done it before though and should just do that again now. But I think it's in response to people saying if he can't he should sooner send them off to a childminder than even date bother his ex with it. I don't think that's right.

If the Dad wants midweek, he has to deal with every aspect of being the parent. Not expect his Ex or DP to deal with it.

I totally agree with this.

However, I do think that if he's not willing to arrange his work to facilitate actually being a parent midweek, then he needs to stop pretending to be anything other than a fair weather, weekend dad. He doesn't get to palm all the work off on to his new partner so that he can pretend to himself and the world at large that he's actually sharing the burden of parenting in any meaningful way post-separation.

But, equally, he may well have to ask his ex if she is ok with them going to breakfast club on his time. She might not be. She might decide she'd rather they just stayed with her and she took them to school.

In either case, it's up to the children's parents to sort it between them. Not for the OP to be late to baby group so her partner can have a nice long lunch at work.

Incidentally, if I were the ex, I'd be very unimpressed that he was asking me or his partner so that he doesn't have to cut his lunch short. That is absolutely the kind of NRPing that's all about pretending to be stepping up but actually not doing it.

We don't have any idea who's asked for what and when. The ex may have asked him to do some midweek, he may have asked, they may have always had 50:50 or similar.

The end of the day though, it's feck all to do with OP and everything to do with their parents that they get to school.

@FishyFriday

If the Dad wants midweek, he has to deal with every aspect of being the parent. Not expect his Ex or DP to deal with it.

I totally agree with this.

However, I do think that if he's not willing to arrange his work to facilitate actually being a parent midweek, then he needs to stop pretending to be anything other than a fair weather, weekend dad. He doesn't get to palm all the work off on to his new partner so that he can pretend to himself and the world at large that he's actually sharing the burden of parenting in any meaningful way post-separation.

But, equally, he may well have to ask his ex if she is ok with them going to breakfast club on his time. She might not be. She might decide she'd rather they just stayed with her and she took them to school.

In either case, it's up to the children's parents to sort it between them. Not for the OP to be late to baby group so her partner can have a nice long lunch at work.

Incidentally, if I were the ex, I'd be very unimpressed that he was asking me or his partner so that he doesn't have to cut his lunch short. That is absolutely the kind of NRPing that's all about pretending to be stepping up but actually not doing it.

Absolutely 👍🏼