Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

AIBU to say DH will need to make other arrangements

145 replies

Wriggling · 13/05/2021 09:15

I often help DH with school runs on his days with DSC.

I am currently off work on the final leg of my maternity leave and as baby groups have now reopened I want to make the most of these with a friend who is also on maternity.

Unfortunately the group lands on the morning I sometimes help out with school runs and it is at exactly the same time.

AIBU to say to DH that I can't do this anymore on this particular day unfortunately and he will need to make other arrangements between himself and ex?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
funinthesun19 · 13/05/2021 23:15

It is absolutely his responsibility

Thank you Oswin. therefore not the op’s responsibility and she should get to go to the baby group over taking the dsc to school.

SpongebobNoPants · 13/05/2021 23:18

Also @Oswin I am still of the opinion that regardless of the reason why the mother doesn’t work, she should still be asked whether she would have the kids that morning seeing as she is available and may prefer to have her kids with her rather than in childcare if their dad can’t do it.
She might not which is her choice, but I personally wouldn’t be comfortable knowing my kids were being in paid childcare when I could have them with me.

funinthesun19 · 13/05/2021 23:27

I totally agree Spongebob, and I would say the same if it was the other way around.

My ex isn’t reliable at all and he would leave me in in a very awkward position if I ever relied on him, but if I knew he could be trusted I would definitely ask him to pick the children up on a regular basis if he was available and willing to do so.
I’d do the same for him, but then they never stay with him so I do it everyday anyway.

PinkGinny · 13/05/2021 23:44

My kids are older(and tbf this circumstance never came up) but it would have been a cold day in hell before I rocked up at my ex's house to take our children to school in the morning because he couldn't. He wanted 50/50 that means he was responsible for all the hard bits too which 100% includes flexing his work day to accommodate. Or pay for childcare.

But it was his responsibility nobody else's. Not mine. Nor his new partners.

PinkGinny · 13/05/2021 23:45

So sorry OP YANBU.

SandyY2K · 13/05/2021 23:50

If a father was a SAHP and the Mum was going to work I bet no one would have anything bad to say about him doing the school runs everyday, even on her days, would they?

When the couple ate separated, everything changes. If the dad was SAHP, then the Ex wife should sort our school runs in her custody time.

And yes, picking up from your exes house in the morning is perfectly doable if you live close by to each other.

Of I personally was going have to go to another location to pick my child up for school, then they might as well stay with me the night before.

If he can't do it because he's working then I would and I'd want to be involved in a discussion like this. In the same way if I struggled to do something on 'my days' that my children needed, I'd expect their father to help not just say 'nope sorry, not my time, nothing to do with me'.

That's a fair point and well explained, as I'd want to know if my Ex couldn't do it in this situation.

I guess it depends on how good the coparent relationship is.

aSofaNearYou · 13/05/2021 23:51

@sunshinesky

Think you need to compromise and look for a group that starts later, unless they're based in a school it's usually a 9.30 / 10am start.
Why should she have to do this?
SandyY2K · 13/05/2021 23:53

it would have been a cold day in hell before I rocked up at my ex's house to take our children to school in the morning because he couldn't.

I could agree more.

He wanted 50/50 that means he was responsible for all the hard bits too which 100% includes flexing his work day to accommodate. Or pay for childcare.

100% .This is exactly what I've said.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 14/05/2021 05:30

Think you need to compromise and look for a group that starts later

Erm no.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 14/05/2021 05:39

When the couple ate separated, everything changes. If the dad was SAHP, then the Ex wife should sort our school runs in her custody time

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think even when separated, its not unreasonable for the SAHP to do more of the things like school runs as they would have done before. It's often suggested on here when a Dad becomes a SAHP 'he should at least help more with childcare' etc...

But anyway my main point was that I think she should be given a choice, if the DHs plan is to put them in childcare in the morning, she should be told and given the choice because I know what I would want to do if I were free and my children were being sent to a childminder. I've already said it's different if she has plans, fair enough but she should be told.

EnoughnowIthink · 14/05/2021 06:12

I think even when separated, its not unreasonable for the SAHP to do more of the things like school runs as they would have done before. It's often suggested on here when a Dad becomes a SAHP 'he should at least help more with childcare' etc

Either you have your children and parent them, taking responsibility for whatever may need to be done in the time they are with you or your ex does it. Suggesting you have a child overnight (and thus reduce your maintenance liability) but your ex needs to do the school run is just a massive piss take in anything other than an emergency.

greyspottedgoose · 14/05/2021 06:15

I'll be honest I haven't read the full thread but surely if we are at a point baby groups can open then breakfast club should be opening up as more people are clearly going back to work? I was lucky our school never closed breakfast club even when school was only open for essential workers

Branleuse · 14/05/2021 06:19

Absolutely fine to get the dad to do it.

MiddleParking · 14/05/2021 06:41

I’d be a bit concerned about your DH’s attitude to women based on the fact that he made a comment that you should just be five minutes late to the group so you could do his school run for him. Pretty disrespectful towards you and the woman that runs the group (I’m assuming it’s a woman, even if not your husband will have made the same assumption.) You’ve had the worst deal on maternity leave in its history, he should be bending over backwards to facilitate you and the baby getting to do fun things together before you go back to work.

funinthesun19 · 14/05/2021 07:01

Exactly, it’s the dad who should be doing all of the compromising and bending over backwards here, not the OP.
He’ll have to sort something out when the op goes back to work anyway, so why not just get on with it now?

Op, what did he do to get his children to school before you went on to maternity leave?

HalzTangz · 14/05/2021 07:02

Wouldn't the easiest solution be to sea the day your husband has the kids for another day. Even if the swap is only temporary whilst you have baby Classes

Zzelda · 14/05/2021 07:09

Would it actually matter if you missed the first 5 or 10 minutes of the baby group? Do you need to watch the DSC go in, could you perhaps drop her 5 minutes early and leave her?

MattyGroves · 14/05/2021 07:20

@Wriggling

He's at work but when I was in work he would sometimes go in a little late and just make up the time during his lunch hour. He works close by so 10/15 mins late at most.

Ex also doesn't work so whilst I appreciate it's Dad's day, there is always someone available to take them other than me.

He should just go back to doing this.

No idea why there is all this chat about breakfast club/childminders when he has been able to flex his work to be 10 mins late previously.

Baby groups can often be really short- 40 mins or so so being late isn't sensible

funinthesun19 · 14/05/2021 07:28

Ahhh, so he wants the op to miss 10 minutes of baby group so that he doesn’t have to miss 10 minutes of his lunch while he makes up the flexitime he used in the morning taking his children to school. Not enough eye rolls.

namestheyareachanging · 14/05/2021 07:28

Thank you, Matty - I have been wondering the same thing.
I think the fact the dad can actually do it - and was doing it - without too much hassle was lost because the same post mentioned the mum not working...

WildfirePonie · 14/05/2021 07:31

Ahhhh.... of course.

OP.. take back control.

cakefanatic · 14/05/2021 07:36

I think the fact that these are SC is actually a bit of a red herring. The argument is actually whether OP’s need to spend time with other parents of young children on mat leave trumps her husband’s desire to be at work at a certain time (it has already been established that the timing of this is compatible with his work, if less favourable).

Other options are: being late to the group. How long is the group? Some are quite informal, most won’t mind a little lateness. Does it need to be this group specifically?

I do think @Wriggling has a need to bond with other mothers, especially as this is a first baby, and I do think mothers on maternity leave have had a rough time with covid.

When will you return to work OP? And what will happen then? I assume you will have a nursery drop to add into the mix, and that you and your DH will need to work out a new arrangement for the morning routine.

PurpleBiro21 · 14/05/2021 07:38

Whats the resolution OP?

Personally I think:

  1. He goes back to previous arrangement.
  1. If that’s not possible then speak with mum, let her know the situation and see if she offers anything. Mum may automatically want to swap days or keep DSC that night, you don’t know until she’s asked.
  1. If she doesn’t then breakfast club if available.

Regardless OP isn’t responsible for the school run. She may do it because she wants to, likes that time with the kids or wants to help her DH but she’s not obliged to.

FishyFriday · 14/05/2021 08:01

Regardless OP isn’t responsible for the school run. She may do it because she wants to, likes that time with the kids or wants to help her DH but she’s not obliged to.

Exactly. It doesn't matter whether RP's should or should not be expected to take over from their exes or what the role of SAHM RP's is or whatever.

The fact is that it just isn't the OP's responsibility.

Like so much that SM's do, what started off as doing her husband a favour seems to have become an expectation and an obligation. And so many posters are happy to reinforce this. Rather than her being nice enough to help her husband out, people start acting like she's doing something wrong by saying that she's no longer available to do this favour, and suggesting all sorts of ways she should compromise to meet this now obligation (do that the children's parents don't have to compromise).

Original poster
Wriggling · 14/05/2021 08:04

I'm not going to be late to the group. It's only on for about 40 mins as it is and I am supposed to be collecting a friend on the way too so would mean them being late as well.

Mum is a SAHM (not disabled or anything as a PP asked) and has occasionally helped before, back when I was at work, on our time if say husband has had a work meeting early morning he's struggled to get out of for example but only been rare. I've no idea if he'll mention it to her or not, as I say usually before he just was a little late himself to work.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread