AIBU to say DH will need to make other arrangements

[Wriggling]

I often help DH with school runs on his days with DSC.

I am currently off work on the final leg of my maternity leave and as baby groups have now reopened I want to make the most of these with a friend who is also on maternity.

Unfortunately the group lands on the morning I sometimes help out with school runs and it is at exactly the same time.

AIBU to say to DH that I can't do this anymore on this particular day unfortunately and he will need to make other arrangements between himself and ex?

the other half of the time she’s just unemployed by the sounds of it.

I don't get the 'its not exes responsibility on Dad's time' argument.

Why don't you get it? It's dad's time, so he's responsible for it. If he can't do it, then he can reduce his custody time, which will likely increase child support.

If she is a SAHM I would argue that it is absolutely her responsibility.

What she does now they're divorced, really isn't the issue here.

Surely as a SAHP that is essentially your 'job'.

When you're a couple ...yes.
When you're a couple he would probably expect a meal cooked for him.

That's no longer the case.

It's her responsibility during her custody time.

I wouldn't expect my working husband to do school runs if I was a stay at home parent, I don't see why that changes if we split up.

Of course it changes. You're no longer one household and you're not working as a couple, just coparents.

If the husband can't do it, then it goes to EOW...which doesn't affect school runs.

Most dad's leave the school stuff to mum, so it's no wonder they're happy with EOW. Easy life...no homework or getting kids up early...no uniform washing and ironing.

If I continue to be a SAHM after we split then I would expect to continue doing things like this irrespective of who's 'day' it was.

Depending on custody time, this may not be practical. Or would you turn up at Ex Hs house to collect your child? If not...we're back to EOW or weekends, when there's no school.

I certainly wouldn't expect to have my nice lie in half the week whilst my exes wife cancelled her plans to run our children to school.

I agree. It's not the SMs job. It's the dad's responsibility.

Honey whatever happened to a bit of give and take. Such rigidity shouldn't be necessary. I know first hand that it can be if your ex is a twat, unfortunately. However if it was my child I'd just take them to school because we'll why the fuck wouldn't you.

On the subject of crafty maintenance increases, dps ex offered him Fri nights and Sundays 8am until 9pm - so that he couldn't have a social life and she got a mostly free weekend but also he had to pay maintenance based on only one night a week.

You have been happy to help, but now you want to attend a baby class while you can. This arrangement will come to an end when mat leave ends anyway so dh just has to make a plan a little earlier.

• blimey not honey

🤷 I just know that I personally wouldn't feel right knowing my kids were going to a breakfast club or a childminder (which they would hate) when I was sat at home doing nothing. It's not about who's time or responsibility it is imo, it's about what I as a mother would feel right doing and what I wouldn't. And leaving my kids in a breakfast club just so I could make a point to my ex about his responsibility when I was more than capable of taking them myself because I didn't work, wouldn't be something I'd want to do.

Obviously the ex doesn't have to and if she has plans then she has plans. My point was that I disagree with people saying he shouldn't involve her at all. If my kids were being put in BC for half the week I'd want to know. Some people might be fine with that and say crack on, others may prefer to say they'd take them themselves. But it's not absolutely nothing to do with her.

And yes, picking up from your exes house in the morning is perfectly doable if you live close by to each other.

And with all due respect I appreciate the 'mums get all the drudgery in the week' shite when we are talking about someone who also goes to work but she's a SAHM. She gets a break all day 9-3:30. Doing the school run everyday, yes even on your exes days, is hardly a big thing is it when you're not going to work.

If a father was a SAHP and the Mum was going to work I bet no one would have anything bad to say about him doing the school runs everyday, even on her days, would they?

Why on earth can’t you arrive five minutes after the start of the baby group? Surely it won’t matter?

A couple of things I’ve noticed on Mumsnet over the years.
-People think it’s awful if a mother is asked to take her own children to school on dad’s days.
-People have no objection to the stepmum doing it.

Makes perfect sense.

@AintNoMaryPoppins I agree with every word of what you just wrote

At the end of the day, even when separated, you should work on the basis of what is best for your children, not who's responsibility they are on that particular day imo. I know if I were in this situation, me being a SAHM and ex working, it wouldn't be them going to a childminder every morning so I never had to parent on my days 'off'. I don't have days off. I'm not going to force my kids to go to a childminder or breakfast club they don't want to be at just to prove a point to my ex.

If he can't do it because he's working then I would and I'd want to be involved in a discussion like this. In the same way if I struggled to do something on 'my days' that my children needed, I'd expect their father to help not just say 'nope sorry, not my time, nothing to do with me'.

Why on earth can’t you arrive five minutes after the start of the baby group? Surely it won’t matter?

Why on earth should she take her dsc to school to cause her to be late? is the real question.

@Woodswoman

Why on earth can’t you arrive five minutes after the start of the baby group? Surely it won’t matter?

Why on earth can't their parents take them to school?

Difficult one. As he is your husband, and they are your step children. You should be able to go to baby groups if you want to. But you are their step mother. You're not doing your husband a favour by taking the kids in as he is going to work to provide for your family and without your support in the mornings he may choose not to have the kids on them days and just at weekends. I doubt the ex would take the kids to school in the morning on her days off as that's his responsibility.

Maybe suggest to him to book the children into a breakfast club? They usually open at 8. And that way they can go on that day every week and it won't cause arguments between you two.

You're not doing your husband a favour by taking the kids in

Of course she is. They aren't her children and she has no obligation to do it but is doing so to help him, that is a favour.

You're not doing your husband a favour by taking the kids in as he is going to work to provide for your family and without your support in the mornings he may choose not to have the kids on them days and just at weekends.

Of course she’s doing him a favour. They’re his kids and they’re his responsibility. So he should be going out to work to support his family, any good dad would unless there’s a good reason for him not to be. It does not mean the op owes him anything regarding his children. He should still work AND sort his children out at the same time. Of course she’s doing him a favour - she’s saving him the hassle of finding childcare elsewhere!

Well quite clear that SAHM sit on their arses having loads of free time to be on call for their children to need them and if their DF can not cope - jump to his every whim.

Seriously Poppins - what century do you put mothers in. Also none of us know why she is a sahm.

You're not doing your husband a favour by taking the kids in as he is going to work to provide for your family

Are we back in the 1950s?!! OP works too... she happens to be on maternity leave, she is not a SAHM. She is bringing in an income.
How do you know she’s not the main breadwinner?

And the majority of the “family” that needs providing for are people her husband created prior to meeting her. Of course he should provide for his children. Jesus Christ.

And yes OP you are doing him a favour. The amazing thing about favours is that they are not compulsory and rely wholly on whether the giver is willing. You are no longer willing, he needs to sort it.

@bogoffmda
Well quite clear that SAHM sit on their arses having loads of free time to be on call for their children to need them

Well yes... that’s exactly the point of being a SAHM isn’t it??? Otherwise you’re just an unemployed person who happens to have kids

I mean being at the beck and call of your children and not using alternative childcare is exactly why most people are a sahm.

Think you need to compromise and look for a group that starts later, unless they're based in a school it's usually a 9.30 / 10am start.

Think you need to compromise and look for a group that starts later, unless they're based in a school it's usually a 9.30 / 10am start

Or the children’s actual parents could sort it out between themselves? They’re going to have to soon anyway when OP goes back to work so they’ll just have to get a head start now.

Spongebob you have absolutely no idea why this women doesnt work.
She may be a sahm or disabled and cant work.
It is misogyny. The expectations that mothers need to be ready at all times to do a school run. It is absolutely his responsibility.
This is how women get into shitty 50/50 situations. The responsibilities still fall to the women. Do the school run, do the clothes shopping, collect and feed them.
Dont enjoy the time off from them of course you monster.

If a Sm posted that her husband had to leave the house every morning early to take the children to school the ex would be slammed. I've seen it.

Think you need to compromise and look for a group that starts later, unless they're based in a school it's usually a 9.30 / 10am start.

I’m curious as to why you think the op should do all of the compromising here? Why are stepmums so often expected to alter their lives to suit everyone else whereas the child’s parents aren’t expected to do anything? It’s so strange.

She may be a sahm or disabled and cant work
She’s not a SAHM then, she’s a woman who can’t work / has disabilities. I wouldn’t call someone who cannot work a SAHM, that term implies a choice.