AIBU to say DH will need to make other arrangements

[Wriggling]

I often help DH with school runs on his days with DSC.

I am currently off work on the final leg of my maternity leave and as baby groups have now reopened I want to make the most of these with a friend who is also on maternity.

Unfortunately the group lands on the morning I sometimes help out with school runs and it is at exactly the same time.

AIBU to say to DH that I can't do this anymore on this particular day unfortunately and he will need to make other arrangements between himself and ex?

Wouldn't blended families work better if all children of the family were treated the same? Dc need to get to school - whoever is available takes them. What happens when your dc goes to school?

And on this very irritating subject - the children will all be treated the same; they will all be taken to school. It's not important they are taken by the same person OPs DC will be in the future.

What people actually mean when they say shouldn't all the children be treated the same is they want the SM, specifically, to bend herself out of shape to make a point of treating her SC identically to her DC, even though their needs could just as easily or more easily be met by their parents. No matter how much it defies logic and no matter how trivial the thing in question is. OP should cut short her years of having children below school age to make a point of being the one to take the SC to school.

I think it's a good idea to share the running of the household instead of yours and mine when it comes to children but in this case no I don't think yabu.

You won't get this time back and there is another solution with a bit of workaround.

Does your DP think yabu?

Does your DP think yabu?

There was a passing comment about why I couldn't just be a little late to the group.

@Aprilwasverywet

Wouldn't blended families work better if all children of the family were treated the same? Dc need to get to school - whoever is available takes them. What happens when your dc goes to school? You take yours and he takes his? During court proceedings 'children of the family' is the description given to full siblings with half siblings. Judges play great importance in this. Bowing out of contributing to the running of your family home because the dc aren't yours is vile imo. Not aimed at you op but dm's in general..

Have you hoicked your judgey pants up high enough there?

The OP is perfectly entitled to go to a baby group with what remains of her maternity leave and let her husband figure out how to get his other children to school.

Incidentally you obviously don't realise that very often (probably mostly) children in blended families don't attend the same school anyway.

You’ve been extremely kind to do it as long as you have. Has he said and shown how grateful and appreciative he’s been?

You’re no longer going to be available so he and their other parent need to sort it between them. Be clear you’re not doing it anymore and don’t stand for any grief. They’re his children. His responsibility.

It's dad's day - dad's responsibility to get them to school. No need to bring the ex into it.

The OP is perfectly entitled to go to a baby group with what remains of her maternity leave and let her husband figure out how to get his other children to school.

Exactly! He’s going to have to do it anyway when the op goes back to work. So why not just get on with figuring it out now? Even if she was right at the beginning of her maternity leave, she’d still have every right to say NO and to spend her maternity leave how she wants to with her baby.

Nobody needs to get their knickers in a twist about the “poor stepchildren”. They’re still going to get to school aren’t they? It’s not crucial that op takes them. Well, going by some people’s ways of thinking it absolutely is crucial that the stepmum takes them or they’re being “pushed out of the family”, “treated unfairly”, etc... The stepchildren can easily go to a breakfast club and funnily enough it will not scar them.

If the op wasn’t around then her dp would need to find another way to get them to school. So that’s exactly what he needs to do here.

There was a passing comment about why I couldn't just be a little late to the group.

Mmmm... NO.

You need all the support in rl you can get. This is for your mental health more than anything.

A lot more mothers of babies, regardless of whether they have older children or not, are having mental health difficulties due to isolation they have faced due to the pandemic.

I've given him not you at least one viable solution.

He can come up with alternative ways for himself alone to get his own children to school the times when they stay with him.

@RedMarauder

There was a passing comment about why I couldn't just be a little late to the group.

Mmmm... NO.

You need all the support in rl you can get. This is for your mental health more than anything.

A lot more mothers of babies, regardless of whether they have older children or not, are having mental health difficulties due to isolation they have faced due to the pandemic.

I've given him not you at least one viable solution.

He can come up with alternative ways for himself alone to get his own children to school the times when they stay with him.

This is definitely true. The groups are important for you.

He is the other children's parent. It's his job to get them to school. There are lots of ways he can do it.

In fact, I would argue that being involved in school runs and such like is actually the point of midweek contact for non resident fathers. It gives them some of the boring, inconvenient bits of the parenting experience too, not just weekend fun. He should be pleased he gets to do some of the real parenting (which does involve figuring out how to get your kids to school and you to work, and other crap things).

So you're doing him a favour by letting him properly experience parenthood for his older kids. 😁

I really disagree that it's nothing to do with ex and the DH shouldn't bother her with this at all.

There is never a day when I am not a parent to my child. Whether they are at my house or not.

If their father was struggling to arrange something they needed, I as their mother would want to know so I could do it for them (not him).

I certainly wouldn't like the idea of my child going to a child minder or breakfast club they weren't keen on going to just so heaven forbid I had to be a mother on 'his days'.

I don't get this mentality at all. I am my child's mother 7 days a week, 24hrs a day not just on set days.

If she was working that's different but she isn't. If I were her I would definitely want to be included in the alternative arrangements.

AintNoMaryPoppins I totally agree with every single thing you’ve said. I never understand that mentality either.

It's not her responsibility. You each sort childcare for your own contact time.

If the relationship between them is amicable enough there is no harm in asking but I wouldn't expect it. She may have other things on at that time that OP isn't aware of.

@AintNoMaryPoppins

I really disagree that it's nothing to do with ex and the DH shouldn't bother her with this at all.

There is never a day when I am not a parent to my child. Whether they are at my house or not.

If their father was struggling to arrange something they needed, I as their mother would want to know so I could do it for them (not him).

I certainly wouldn't like the idea of my child going to a child minder or breakfast club they weren't keen on going to just so heaven forbid I had to be a mother on 'his days'.

I don't get this mentality at all. I am my child's mother 7 days a week, 24hrs a day not just on set days.

If she was working that's different but she isn't. If I were her I would definitely want to be included in the alternative arrangements.

This is a good point. I'd suggest to my ex that we should rethink contact based on what he's able to actually achieve. It might be that the kids go for dinner but don't stay on nights when he can't take them to school.

@Iyland

It's not her responsibility. You each sort childcare for your own contact time.

If the relationship between them is amicable enough there is no harm in asking but I wouldn't expect it. She may have other things on at that time that OP isn't aware of.

My H's ex would say that she should be asked first before using professional childcare. She'd argue that her children should be with her instead (and welcome an increase in maintenance).

Fair play to her for being so accommodating. I think I'd be inclined to think that school drop off is very basic and not popped up out of the blue so figure it out 🤷‍♀️

Of course you should do your thing and tell him nicely you're not available and he should make other arrangements for the Scs.

Once your baby is born it is very likely there will be ongoing clashes of time/ energy when with the best will in the world you won't always be available for the SC's.. So this will just be breaking him in gently to how life will change when he has two families of children.

@Iyland

Fair play to her for being so accommodating. I think I'd be inclined to think that school drop off is very basic and not popped up out of the blue so figure it out 🤷‍♀️

I'm not sure it's accommodating. It's more that she's extremely motivated by maximising maintenance. She'd choose contact to be every Friday night plus Saturday night EOW (she really tried for this) because that gives her the leisure time she wants while maximising the maintenance she gets.

@Iyland

It's not her responsibility. You each sort childcare for your own contact time.

If the relationship between them is amicable enough there is no harm in asking but I wouldn't expect it. She may have other things on at that time that OP isn't aware of.

I wouldn't expect it but my point is she is still their mother regardless as to who's contact time it is.

I would actually say it is her responsibility if their Dad can't although can't and won't are obviously different.

If this were my children, I know I'd rather take them myself, yes shock horror even on 'his days', than them sit in a breakfast club all morning.

It's not about doing it for him, but because I know that's what my kids would prefer. If I were at home anyway, I'd much rather that. This whole it's his contact time so his responsibility only and nothing to do with me as their mother just doesn't strike me as putting the children first 🤷

It's dad's day - dad's responsibility to get them to school. No need to bring the ex into it

This is such a weird way to view things. It’s like point scoring.

I would actually say it is her responsibility if their Dad can't although can't and won't are obviously different.
This!
If my exh CAN'T do something on his time I always check that his dw is ok with taking over. If she's not then I step in if I CAN. If I can't he calls on a family member.
The dm is a sahm so I'd argue that she actually should step in in this instance.
My exh's job changed a few years ago which meant he could no longer do the school run (dc stayed over one night during the week). His dw kindly offered to do it instead & continued to do so until her eldest started school & drop off times were no longer compatible. At this point my dc then went to their dad's for dinner on their access night but got dropped back to me so I could do the school run the following day.

School runs were easy for me as I'm self employed.
Yes it impacted my 'time off' but exh made it up on other days.
It's the parents' responsibility to sort school runs out, NOT the op's.

She may have other things on. I still think that there is nothing wrong with asking but if she says no it's up to Dad to sort out.

But the DF can he just needs to re adapt again. So not the EX problem it is his

OP is not unreasonable at all.
But to address other posters. This is something I have noticed occurring more and more on here. That mothers should be fine with being expected to take over on the fathers time. That they are responsible every single day.
No one ever expects this of fathers. Imagine a Sm posting that her husbands ex had been in touch to say he needed to do all school runs from now on.

Only fathers get to have work that means they cant take there children to school. Only men get to reduce there contact and use work as an excuse.
Women don't get this. Women are weird and wrong if they treasure the time alone.
Misogyny is what it is.

I will be in this position soon and definitely dont want to continue doing pick up when i'll have my 2 under 2 and having to go back to work after maternity.

At the end of the day, SC arent our responsibility. I've been helping out for 2.5yrs so DP will have to sort it from then on.

But to address other posters. This is something I have noticed occurring more and more on here. That mothers should be fine with being expected to take over on the fathers time. That they are responsible every single day
No one ever expects this of fathers

Not true. I do expect it of my child’s father. Also if I can’t for some reason look after our son or have plans I will always go to him first. We are his parents, we’re both responsible for him.

Also, the difference in OP’s situation is the mum is a SAHM. Her only job is to look after her kids. Technically she’s actually a part time SAHM currently.