AIBU to say DH will need to make other arrangements

[Wriggling]

I often help DH with school runs on his days with DSC.

I am currently off work on the final leg of my maternity leave and as baby groups have now reopened I want to make the most of these with a friend who is also on maternity.

Unfortunately the group lands on the morning I sometimes help out with school runs and it is at exactly the same time.

AIBU to say to DH that I can't do this anymore on this particular day unfortunately and he will need to make other arrangements between himself and ex?

I disagree @cakefanatic , the OP being a SP is central to the discussion. She hasn't had much of a chance to go to baby groups during maternity leave, so why should she be in a rush to schlep DCs to school and get baby ready at the same time and then miss some of the group when the SDCs already have two DPs both seemingly capable of taking them.

Gawd, no wonder so many second relationships fail, what an attitude!

You’ll be 5/10 minutes late for this group, can’t imagine you’ll be the only one dropping off other kids.

@Wriggling

I'm not going to be late to the group. It's only on for about 40 mins as it is and I am supposed to be collecting a friend on the way too so would mean them being late as well.

Mum is a SAHM (not disabled or anything as a PP asked) and has occasionally helped before, back when I was at work, on our time if say husband has had a work meeting early morning he's struggled to get out of for example but only been rare. I've no idea if he'll mention it to her or not, as I say usually before he just was a little late himself to work.

Definitely do not be late the the group. It's your group. And the baby's.

Your SC have two parents. It's their responsibility. Their father can have a shorter lunch.

Because that's really what this is about: whether you should put yourself out and take on his responsibilities so that he can piss about in his phone and eat a sandwich in a more leisurely manner.

@Temp023

Gawd, no wonder so many second relationships fail, what an attitude!

You’ll be 5/10 minutes late for this group, can’t imagine you’ll be the only one dropping off other kids.

Well it is no wonder. But it's not the OP's attitude that is the problem here.

It's hard to challenge the entitlement of the NRP you live with when the rest of the world is determined to bolster that sense of entitlement and tell him that you are unreasonable for not indulging him.

What would happen if you weren't around? That should be what happens.

@funinthesun19 has it exactly right. Your DH can drop them off with minimal inconvenience to himself. It’s how he’s done it in the past.

He just needs to go back to doing that. And TBH he should have done it all along so he didn’t miss out on that extra time with his own children who are staying in his house to spend time with him.
Shameful attitude by him

It doesn't really matter how DH sorts it it's up to him to sort it

Gawd, no wonder so many second relationships fail, what an attitude!

You’ll be 5/10 minutes late for this group, can’t imagine you’ll be the only one dropping off other kids.
Those other parents are probably dropping off their own children. The op has no other children. And also, she’s picking up and dropping off another mum who is joining her at the group. That means the other mum will be late. Why can’t the op just enjoy this time with her friend at the group while the dad takes his own children to school.

It’s no inconvenience to him apart from the fact that he misses 10 minutes of his lunch.
If the second marriage is going to fail because he’s mad about that then the op will have a lucky escape.
They’re his kids, he chose to have them. So he needs to do the compromising.

@Temp023

Gawd, no wonder so many second relationships fail, what an attitude!

Omg I agree... except it’s the attitude of entitled parents who expect everyone else to pick up their parenting duties whilst happily inconveniencing someone else.
It’s utterly disgusting

Omg I agree... except it’s the attitude of entitled parents who expect everyone else to pick up their parenting duties whilst happily inconveniencing someone else.
It’s utterly disgusting

And then you get people putting the blame on to the stepmum when she doesn’t want to go along with it. Same old story all the bloody time.

@Temp023

Gawd, no wonder so many second relationships fail, what an attitude!

You’ll be 5/10 minutes late for this group, can’t imagine you’ll be the only one dropping off other kids.

Oh yes, because it's the step parents not bending over backwards ENOUGH that causes second relationships not to fail 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

your baby’s (half) siblings will probably really value that you and the baby drop them at school and make that effort. Your baby will be learning a lot about family and what it means even if you don’t think it is aware. These little moments are what make a sibling relationship and build a family. Perhaps try and think about it from sibling perspectives rather than your own?

It's hard to challenge the entitlement of the NRP you live with when the rest of the world is determined to bolster that sense of entitlement and tell him that you are unreasonable for not indulging him

So true, I honestly think a lot of the posters on here don't realise how much they are contributing to hugely misogynistic standards of behaviour on here, because they are so focused on their own very specific line of thinking about step parents and their step children. They don't care that they are encouraging a lazy dad to push all his responsibilities on his female partner, forcing her to miss out on her plans to protect his, and to emotionally blackmail her with the relationship failing if she doesn't comply. As long as they never get any sniff of the SP acknowledging that the SC are not her own.

@Thethreewitches

your baby’s (half) siblings will probably really value that you and the baby drop them at school and make that effort. Your baby will be learning a lot about family and what it means even if you don’t think it is aware. These little moments are what make a sibling relationship and build a family. Perhaps try and think about it from sibling perspectives rather than your own?

Oh come on. Now she needs to think about it from a promoting sibling bonds perspective.

Why is everyone so determined to make everything the SM's responsibility?

As long as they never get any sniff of the SP acknowledging that the SC are not her own.

Well... unless she wants any say in any of it. She can have all the responsibility but absolutely none of the control. That would be overstepping and unacceptable.

It's just so depressing.

Being a step parent requires a degree of selflessness that I would not wish to take on. Good luck and hats off to those who manage. Sounds bloody difficult

@Thethreewitches

your baby’s (half) siblings will probably really value that you and the baby drop them at school and make that effort. Your baby will be learning a lot about family and what it means even if you don’t think it is aware. These little moments are what make a sibling relationship and build a family. Perhaps try and think about it from sibling perspectives rather than your own?

Firstly, why would young children care that their step mum takes them to school rather than their own father, honestly that's ridiculous. They would probably benefit enormously from seeing their dad putting the effort in, so they don't grow up to be massively misogynistic and to have low standards of male involvement with their kids. Anything he does for them is a positive.

Secondly, the baby has been trapped inside for the best part of it's life and would probably benefit far more by getting to go to a baby group. They will have had plenty of time with their siblings. Don't try and claim you were thinking of what is best for the baby in that comment.

Lastly, OP has also been stuck inside for a year. And you want to guilt trip her for thinking of herself too much by going to one baby group? To satisfy some young children's very likely non existent desire to be driven to school by her specifically? Very poor show.

@Thethreewitches

your baby’s (half) siblings will probably really value that you and the baby drop them at school and make that effort. Your baby will be learning a lot about family and what it means even if you don’t think it is aware. These little moments are what make a sibling relationship and build a family. Perhaps try and think about it from sibling perspectives rather than your own?

Their dad can build a sibling relationship on his time. Why is it a good thing to teach the stepchildren that baby can miss 10 minutes of a class so they get to school on time.

Why is it a good thing to teach the stepchildren that baby can miss 10 minutes of a class so they get to school on time.

Because what the baby really needs to learn is that it's half siblings came first and are therefore more important.

As is dad getting a nice, leisurely lunch.

@aSofaNearYou that’s spot on.

You also sometimes see SM/Mum battles that seem to bypass dad which is nuts.

To me the conversation should have been

SM: I’m taking baby to x class at x times so won’t be able to take DSC to school.

Dad: ok. Have a good time.

YANBU - he can have a shorter lunch with minimal disruption. Your maternity leave is for you and the baby, not to play chauffeur for your DH’s convenience.

Collect your friend, have fun at the baby group, and leave your DH to sort his responsibilities out himself.

YANBU at all OP. Your DH should go back to the arrangements he had before you went on maternity leave. He should be grateful you've been doing the school runs throughout your maternity leave!

@Thethreewitches

your baby’s (half) siblings will probably really value that you and the baby drop them at school and make that effort. Your baby will be learning a lot about family and what it means even if you don’t think it is aware. These little moments are what make a sibling relationship and build a family. Perhaps try and think about it from sibling perspectives rather than your own?

I don’t know about this. I think it’s ultimately their father’s responsibility to sort out getting them to school in his contact time. The op and her baby need and deserve to have leisure time together, the op shouldn’t be guilted into missing the first part of her group.

It’s actually a bit disruptive to the group organisers to have someone coming in late every week, plus no one likes being the one who’s constantly sneaking in ten minutes after it’s started.

At the same time though, I don’t think the kids mum should have to get involved when it’s not her contact days. If it was an emergency or dad was ill then yes of course, but not because he can’t be arsed to sort something out and would rather push the responsibility onto OP.

@FishyFriday

Why is it a good thing to teach the stepchildren that baby can miss 10 minutes of a class so they get to school on time.

Because what the baby really needs to learn is that it's half siblings came first and are therefore more important.

As is dad getting a nice, leisurely lunch.

Ah yes I forgot as they are 'existing' children and the baby isn't.. Completely outrageous that the man should cut his lunch short...

your baby’s (half) siblings will probably really value that you and the baby drop them at school and make that effort nah they'll just come to take her for granted.