My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

@MarkUp

I think if it's a weekend DSC aren't there then there is nothing wrong with Dad joining in trips. Obviously if it's his weekend with DSC, they would come along if he did.

Although I'm sure some people are of the opinion 'DSC don't ever get to go out with both their parents' although imo, whilst maybe sad (I never really thought about it tbh), it doesn't mean another child should never be able to.

I agree with you.

This idea that a shared child in a blended family should not get to do anything fun with their dad on non contact weekends is bizarre. And deeply unfair.

Yes of course I agree. If the dsc are with their mum then the dad of course should go with his youngest.

But my original point is, if the stepmum is going out with her children on a day when dsc are there then I don’t really think dad will be going. Hence why I said it’s not a big deal and nobody can really say anything.

"If the dad isn’t going then I really don’t see the big deal about a stepmum going out doing something lovely and special with just her children. I’m sure the stepmum’s children have to hear about all of the lovely things they do with their own mum."

This is a too technical approach tbh. The real question here is the SC's feelings and the SM's empathy. If the toddler loves Peppa pig it is just a nice thing to do? This goes back to the equality in love point. If the SM actually felt love towards their SC, they wouldnt try to find excuses to justify not taking her. They would WANT to take her.

Getyourarseofffthequattro that's a good point and one I hadn't thought of. Why should DC miss out. I might start paying for DH to come along on my days out with my DC if he can't stretch to it. He can't come if he's looking after his kids and can't pay for them though.

@fishyfriday exactly that!

In our household the children have different interests and it’s getting increasingly difficult to accommodate everyone at the same time. SDC wants to sit on a tablet/game console and never leave the house, my DS likes to be outdoors exploring.

Trips out often result in SDC asking to go and sit in the car on his Dad’s and phone, so we end up splitting off quite early on with DH sat in the car and me and my DS continuing on. But that means our outings are often cut short.

It’s really frustrating, I don’t especially want to curb the time my DS spends outside in the fresh air in favour of sitting inside and my DH is desperate for my SDC to get outside and get some exercise (he seldom has any).

There’s no real alternatives either - it’s no use saying well what does SDC want to do because that’s sitting at home.

You can keep everyone happy all the time!

Fondizone if I save up to take my DC to see Peppa Pig I'd just want to go not also save up to take my SC. My DC could see Peppa Pig and go to Diggerland with the money. Why should I subsidise SC's Peppa Pig experiences when she might be going to Diggerland with her mum the next week.

If the SM actually felt love towards their SC, they wouldnt try to find excuses to justify not taking her. They would WANT to take her
This I can agree with. I would not ever arrange a big trip like that, that a know DSD would love, and not make sure she would be able to come.
The "however" part is I also wouldn't say "we're never taking DS to Peppa because DSD would hate it" nor would I say "we are going to take DD to Peppa, DSD isn't coming because she would hate it so now we have to arrange an equivalent trip just for her but it can't be too DS friendly because then he gets two trips and she only gets one so then blah blah blah"
This is the sort of twisted logic that really pisses me off when I see it. It's a sort of madness trying to chase an "equality" that cannot exist where children are being brought up by different sets of parents in different homes.
And the conclusion always seems to be that as long as the DSC come out on top it doesn't matter the cost to everyone else.

And the conclusion always seems to be that as long as the DSC come out on top it doesn't matter the cost to everyone else

Yep.

"Why should I subsidise SC's Peppa Pig experiences when she might be going to Diggerland with her mum the next week."

To me this feels unbelievably prescriptive and financially oriented answer that lacks empathy and love towards the SC. As i said if you did love your SC you wouldnt be thinking about "subsidising". Unless you have severe cash constraints. Then sure. But if you have the means, I dont understand why excluding the SC. I can imagine it would hurt her feelings.

@Youseethethingis

If the SM actually felt love towards their SC, they wouldnt try to find excuses to justify not taking her. They would WANT to take her This I can agree with. I would not ever arrange a big trip like that, that a know DSD would love, and not make sure she would be able to come. The "however" part is I also wouldn't say "we're never taking DS to Peppa because DSD would hate it" nor would I say "we are going to take DD to Peppa, DSD isn't coming because she would hate it so now we have to arrange an equivalent trip just for her but it can't be too DS friendly because then he gets two trips and she only gets one so then blah blah blah" This is the sort of twisted logic that really pisses me off when I see it. It's a sort of madness trying to chase an "equality" that cannot exist where children are being brought up by different sets of parents in different homes. And the conclusion always seems to be that as long as the DSC come out on top it doesn't matter the cost to everyone else.

Yes and that’s the issue in my scenario. Equity and equality aren’t the same!

This is a too technical approach tbh. The real question here is the SC's feelings and the SM's empathy. If the toddler loves Peppa pig it is just a nice thing to do? This goes back to the equality in love point. If the SM actually felt love towards their SC, they wouldnt try to find excuses to justify not taking her. They would WANT to take her.

I felt very fond of my former dsc, but I didn’t have this love for them that you mention that made me want to take dsc on every day day out with my own children.
Some of those days I’m sure dsc would have really enjoyed too, I’m not gonna lie.

There are so many different variables that affect whether a stepmum will want to take her stepchildren out with her. HER, that is. Not dad too.

@Fondizone
I’ve been considering it a lot with my own DC and SC at the moment as there is only a small age gap which makes it trickier.

DH and I have spent so much time nurturing an equal relationship between them all, we’d not considered SC time with mum. I don’t think many people consider it.

I honestly think that their can’t be a 100% fair way or a way to treat everybody equally. Each “set of children’s” circumstances are different and it’s a case of accepting that.

I try, as much as possible, to carry on as normal when SC are here now. I know SC feel loved and secure...if they start to tell us differently then we can reassess.

I try to accommodate “special” days out but if SC aren’t here when a certain show or something is on, SC don’t miss out on making that memory with DH and I.

It’s the material things that o think are harder to address with young children. SC mum is wealthier than us and treats her to large gifts that we would limit to birthday/Christmas. I do worry this could cause jealousy but I’ll just have to cross that bridge if we come to it...

""we are going to take DD to Peppa, DSD isn't coming because she would hate it so now we have to arrange an equivalent trip just for her but it can't be too DS friendly because then he gets two trips and she only gets one so then blah blah blah"

yes i agree that is too twisted and would feel like a strategic military operation for everything which in the end just puts people off from doing anything...

This goes back to the equality in love point. If the SM actually felt love towards their SC, they wouldnt try to find excuses to justify not taking her. They would WANT to take her"

Quite honestly, I often WANT to have alone time with my DC doing fun things, I love spending time with them doing stuff together and no I honestly don't always WANT that to include DSC. It's not about not caring for them, I just like spending time with my DC on my own without them there all the time.

Although I do tend to agree re the point about PP world. I.e. if there was something specific I knew my DSC would love to do, say they were absolutely Harry Potter mad for example, I wouldn't choose HP World to take DC to on the weekend DSC wasn't there. But I would do something that DSC would probably like too, i.e. take them to the aquarium or whatever. I'm sure my DSC would like to go to an aquarium even if they aren't specifically interested in fish, but unfortunately they aren't with us that weekend so 🤷

That should say DC don’t miss out on memories

Basically I'm sure there have been things I've done with DC that the DSC would have liked to but they didn't come. I think that's fine personally and different to doing something specific you know your DSC are really into.

Who's going would still come into it for me too though to be honest as to what I'd decide. My Mum likes to do days out with my DC so say if she wanted to take my DC to Peppa Pig World, I wouldn't stop her just because I know DSC would like it too.

I agree with you OP I also think people (adults) are too sensitive about it.

My DH and i took my dc on holiday while his dc stayed with their mum. It wasn’t his contact time , I booked a holiday for me and dc and DH decided he wanted to be with us.
On another occasion we went on holiday with his ds and one my dc only and didn’t include my other dc as it was her dad’s week and she was with him.
In my experience children don’t care too much as long as adults don’t make a big deal out of it. My dc was curious about our holiday but she also tells us all about her holidays with her dad that we don’t go to.

It’s a normal thing in life to be disappointed once in a while and it’s good to start at early age to get children used to the idea that sometimes someone else might be treated with extra special attention or receive a special treat and it doesn’t mean that you’re loved any less as an individual.

I also think people (adults) are too sensitive about it

I agree. I often think children probably don't care half as much as adults make out they do about this stuff.

@Fondizone

"Why should I subsidise SC's Peppa Pig experiences when she might be going to Diggerland with her mum the next week."

To me this feels unbelievably prescriptive and financially oriented answer that lacks empathy and love towards the SC. As i said if you did love your SC you wouldnt be thinking about "subsidising". Unless you have severe cash constraints. Then sure. But if you have the means, I dont understand why excluding the SC. I can imagine it would hurt her feelings.

I don't have the means. And their dad is tight when it comes to experiences and prefers to pay for music lessons and horseriding. I would have to save up to pay for all the children to go and my child would miss out on diggerland so that they could all go to see Peppa Pig and then SC would then go to diggerland with their mum.

@MarkUp

I also think people (adults) are too sensitive about it

I agree. I often think children probably don't care half as much as adults make out they do about this stuff.

Agreed. Most the aggro comes from the ex in our case. Even though there is a big age gap and the SC would probably hate Peppa Pig

Quite honestly, I often WANT to have alone time with my DC doing fun things, I love spending time with them doing stuff together and no I honestly don't always WANT that to include DSC. It's not about not caring for them, I just like spending time with my DC on my own without them there all the time.

This was how I felt too. Dads are encouraged so much to have that quality time with their own children, whereas mums are begrudged it.

I went on a few days out with my children and my dad when my ex was working and dsc was with their mum. My dad drove us to these nice fun places as neither my ex or I had a car, so it really was the only opportunity that me and more importantly my children went further afield than the park or the local farm. Whereas dsc went to loads of nice places with their mum. I just didn’t think I was obliged to invite dsc.
Dsc came to some with us, but it wasn’t a given that they would always get an invite.

@SquashedTomatoesAndStew thank you - what you wrote actually sounds very reasonable and fair approach...Yes, tables are turned when the SC 's family are wealthier, and it is DC who experience jealousy. So guess in that case the responsibility of emotional intelligence, (as in not acting like a spoiled brat) falls to the SC and the Ex's education towards them...

Frankly if I die I want my child to be as set up as they can for life and have had all the experiences I can give them. Not have wasted time worrying about SC and their experiences. As long as I'm civil and kind to them and I am, I have a great relationship with them, I don't see the problem. Their dad is responsible for ensuring they have the best life he can.

@ThatIsMyPotato

Frankly if I die I want my child to be as set up as they can for life and have had all the experiences I can give them. Not have wasted time worrying about SC and their experiences. As long as I'm civil and kind to them and I am, I have a great relationship with them, I don't see the problem. Their dad is responsible for ensuring they have the best life he can.

I definitely feel like this in terms of the inheritance issue. My priority in this regard is my DC and always will be as my DSCs will be their mothers I'm sure, I'm not going to reduce their potential inheritance because of some hand wringing about whether or not it's fair because to me, it's more important than what is fair (I don't even think it is fair to split equally but people will disagree), I want my assets to go to my child. Nothing would make me change my opinion on that.