Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

With these threads it always seems like posters expect the ex's lifestyle and income not to be changed at all but it's fine if the SM is financially worse off even in some cases where she is the only one in the scenario who works!

If CMS was actually representative of what it costs to bring up a child then it would still be costing you money to have your DSS live with you

@ElderMillennial bit different to dad choosing to give up work because it suits the SM meaning he then pays NOTHING towards his existing child(ren) - it’s a dick move whichever way you look at it

@ElderMillennial the ex didn’t have a choice of whether another child was brought into the mix

@ineedaholidaynow Well of course not. Why would she?

@Britsmums11

I'm not sure why lots of people are assuming my husband will leave me ? That's not the point of the post.

I can tell you we have a strong marriage and whether that lasts is not something you can predict.

Still don’t give a shit about his first child, I see. All about you and your babs innit. Wonderful darling. Wonderful.

@WaterBottle123

Well to be honest OP you've already let your precious baby down by choosing a dead beat dad for them. What a shitty role model he is.

Good luck, you'll need it.

Glad to hear you know whats going on and that he wasn't the one dumped on. I did suspect that perhaps his ex had gone off with someone but glad to hear it was him and he's a dead beat. Good to hear from someone who knows.

I have no knowledge of the OP's situation other than what she posted and all I'd say is if it works for them fine. Offer to do 50/50 or more if he's at home.

To put it in perspective, the average annual cost of raising a child aged 5-17 in the UK is just over £8,500. If your DH pays £250 a month, he pays £3,000 a year so significantly less than half. I'm baffled as to why you think having your step-son 50:50 and paying 50% of his expenses is going to save you money
The gap up to 50% of the costs is likely more than covered by the money spent by the Dad feeding/clothing/housing the child during his contact time. I know we easily spend the full maintenance amount again on DSD, all things considered.
I don’t know where your figures came from to analyse but it seems to me that in cases where the NRP has the child for any amount of time and provides appropriately for that, the child is inevitably going to cost more to “run” because it’s over two households rather than one.

I don't get the negativity here. No he won't pay cms if he isn't earning, and I can understand the childcare costs and you being the higher earner. I'm sure your DH will eventually go back to work but for now, the situation is what it is and everyone will need to adapt.

This thread is crazy. The OP has given little information but so many posters magically seem to know all the details.

So much frothing

The OP DH will be choosing not to work and best case senario in his mind have 50/50. In doing that they as a couple are deciding the OP instead of paying a set cost per month and him stay at home will assume the full financial responsibility for his son 50/50 of the time.

What is your expectation OP in 50/50? Who pays for school uniforms? Clothes for your house? Extra activities? parties, holidays etc. Transport costs. Birthdays and Christmas. It will now all come out of your wages. How will your baby be your sole financial focus if the only money available in your home will be yours. In reality it won't be yours it becomes family money and the only money available for use.

Or is it your expectation your SS will be fed in your house and his mother provide the rest?

@tenlittlecygnets

Even if he does suggest 50:50 care, his ex will still have all her living costs - mortgage, bills, car, food, etc etc - why should she have to pay for everything by herself? How unfair.

Your h's first child should come first.

And you should have costed everything, including childcare, before getting pg.

Well yeah, like every other adult with children. Why is she special?

Why should his child come first? Vile. Ops child is not less important.

Op, id offer 50/50 or id pay something if you can afford it but legally, no you don't need to pay.

And ignore all these vile posters.

It's the OH job to worry about his first child not the OPs, he needs to discuss with the ex an option that works for everyone.

He should definitely still offer support but this woman has a right to only focus on her child's best interests... all mums do for their children.

@Catcup when I became a SAHM DH and I looked at our outgoings to see if we could afford it. We don’t have children from previous relationships so didn’t have to consider them, but if we did we would have taken them into account and the CMS would have been included in the outgoings. Also CMS is the minimum you have to pay, so would always like to think that the NRP would help contribute to other things eg clubs, uniform if they can afford it. Not to stop paying altogether.

What bullshit. It isn't just her husbands job to consider his child when they as a couple are making a decision like this. Not when they as a couple not just her husband are considering 50/50 contact and their family being reliant on her income.

It is the OP job to consider she is happy to assume the financial responsibility of a partner, one child 50% of the time and one 100% of the time. Along with logistics of having his child their 50/50. Because that is what they are proposing.

It sounds good to absorb a SP of any responsibility but the reality is it doesn't. If she isn't happy to take on that responsibility well then this isn't a workable option for their family.

I probably shouldn't be but im actually surprised at the amount of judgement you've had here, op.

If its best for your dh to be a said then that's fine, but he has a parental (legal and moral) obligation to provide for his first child and needs to find a way to continue to meet that.

Maybe he can work part time from home as many sahm do. Maybe you cover his 250pm until he can provide it again himself (I'm not saying you should, just a thought)

I certainly don't think ill of you for considering him becoming a said, although if I'm completely honest I might raise an eyebrow if he'd posted instead with what sounded like no consideration for his first child. However, nothing in your post tells me he hasn't considered them, you're brainstorming options I guess.

Good luck and hope it works out for you all!

*sahd not said

@AnneLovesGilbert

Your h's first child should come first.

That’s a pretty terrible thing to say.

Good job I didn’t say it then.

What is your expectation OP in 50/50? Who pays for school uniforms? Clothes for your house? Extra activities? parties, holidays etc. Transport costs. Birthdays and Christmas. It will now all come out of your wages. How will your baby be your sole financial focus if the only money available in your home will be yours. In reality it won't be yours it becomes family money and the only money available for use.

Or is it your expectation your SS will be fed in your house and his mother provide the rest?

Exactly.

You talk about not being able to afford £250 CM

If you are truly proposing 50/50, and if this is in the best interests of your DH's DC, it'll be a lot more than £250

I cannot understand you or your husband, especially your husband, making plans like this without putting the DC (both of them) at the centre of decision-making.

Sounds like he should be taking on more work to pay for both of his kids

@twinkletoesfairynose

Sounds like he should be taking on more work to pay for both of his kids

Ah yes, and as a result barely seeing either of them. I always forget that all a dad needs to contribute is cold hard cash. Actual hands on parenting only counts if you're a woman.

No he has a responsibility to PAY for both of his kids just like mums do.

It sounds like they are throwing the first mum/kid under a bus for their own benefit

@Britsmums11

I'm not sure why lots of people are assuming my husband will leave me ? That's not the point of the post.

I can tell you we have a strong marriage and whether that lasts is not something you can predict.

You are completely missing the point. The point is, if he did, would you as a single mother be happy with the behaviour you two are portraying if he had another.

@TrustTheGeneGenie hands on parenting usually involves a financial aspect. Since children can't live on fresh air.

So he can absolutely take on more hands on parenting for both his children once the OP is happy she then becomes 100% financially responsible for him both of the children in their home.

The exact same way a SF would be if a mother had 50/50 and became a SAHP to look after subsequent children.