Am I being silly here?

[AmyG10]

Long backstory which I can’t be bothered going over but currently dating a guy who has a 9 year old child. Been together nearly a year but we don’t live together yet.

My partner has his DS every second weekend and one night through the week. Holidays are split 50/50 but his son’s mother has a habit of asking my partner to have their son extra which often very, very last minute (that’s a different story). On the whole as separated parents go, I’d say he sees him a good amount.

Recently my partner has been working an awful lot from home think 6am-5pm then logging in after dinner until 10 or 11 at night. Not ideal and this week he changed jobs. We have hardly spent any time together as a result but I’ve tried to be supportive, cooked dinner, done his washing, got him in his food shop etc. Which he hasn’t asked me to do but I have the time to help. He prioritises all his annual leave to take his child for the holidays roughly 6 weeks of the year and obv 50% of his weekends and as a result mine are spent where his child has to be the focus.

Which brings me to this weekend. A relative of his asked me if he has his DS on Monday to organise doing something with her child and us. I am close with his relative so she often texts me to organise stuff as I’m quicker at replying and we get on well. I checked with him and he said no his child would be going back to his mums on Sunday at lunchtime. I then told her we couldn’t make it. I then thought, perhaps naively, this would give us some time to ourselves over the bank holiday. Maybe do something nice together especially as most of our relationship has been spent in lockdown. He then tells me he’s now arranged to have his son extra so Monday afterall and plans are back on. His son is now coming for the entire weekend and has also arranged for a family thing for us to go to on Sunday.

Am I being go unreasonable? I don’t mind either things normally, his family are nice and I tend to go with the flow and just fit in with everyone else’s plans but I thought when he had a choice he might have prioritised doing something with me. I feel like I’m just not important sometimes

No you're not being silly :) yes his child will always take up a lot of his time and annual leave etc but if he wants to make the relationship work with you. You need to state that occasionally he needs to prioritise you and the time you both have alone together.

Being asked to have his son on little or no notice is hard and if it's an emergency it will always have to be a yes but there's nothing wrong with saying no occasionally, there's needs to be a healthy balance for it to work for you

You will always be second in this mans life. He sounds like a brilliant father

I think you should be grateful that you’re with a man that actually wants to spend time with his son. There are many, many dads out there that will try their hardest to get out of looking after their own children when it’s ‘not my day’.
I do understand where you’re coming from saying that and as pp said, there needs to be a happy balance and you do need time alone together for the sake of your relationship too.
I don’t think your dp having his son on the Monday makes you any less important...it just means he’s a good dad that enjoys spending time with his son.

Oh my life. Another woman stepping in and doing the domestic drudgery when not asked/ it’s not warranted.

1. Why are you doing these domestic things for him? Bluntly, stop. (If you don’t understand why I’m saying this, go and read some other threads on here).
2. Why are you becoming a conduit for his family organising play dates with his child? I’m so confused. Tbh, if you’re doing this role, you look like you’re fully on board and facilitating this flexibility re his child. He won’t think otherwise. You get on well with this relative? Great. Organise adult things and deflect the child stuff to between them.
3. if you want him to prioritise adult time for the two of you - then you need to say, I need xyz. Can you do it?

The reason I’m being this firm is because you’re creating this dynamic and your partner will have no clue that you feel the way you do.
Whatever you create now is how your relationship will play out. So if you want something different, stop doing the ‘family’ stuff and focus on the adult to adult relationship.

The issue for me wouldn’t be that he was prioritising his son over me (he should do) but that work was also prioritised over me.

It’s great he wants to spend loads of time with his son but he can’t also work every hour of the day and just use you for domestic drudgery. He needs to make time for you too! This might mean taking time off together on week days or working less of an evening. You aren’t his housekeeper.

Hmmm... you are doing the wife work already when you don’t live together?

Doesn’t make much time for you when he doesn’t have his son?

DS isn’t the problem here...

@sassbott I’m only helping as I have a lot of free time at the moment and he’s my partner. I’m a caring person and happy to help if I’m not doing anything else. If I was busy or had something else on I wouldn’t do it. Likewise I would like him to help me if I was stuck.

With regards why am I organising stuff I’ve told him he can do this from now on. ESP as I told her it wouldn’t be possible when he went and made plans anyway.

Told him and yes his kid will be a priority but we need to put ourselves first but last night he just went quiet and said sorry. I don’t understand how it’s so hard? I’m willing to make the sacrifices that come with dating a man with a child so why can’t he meet me halfway?

To answer the question directly, no you are not being silly though you should probably stop the housework.

Maybe ask him if you can plan stuff for when he doesn’t have his DS but from what you’ve said he sounds a bit un-invested in the relationship.

@sassbott

Oh my life. Another woman stepping in and doing the domestic drudgery when not asked/ it’s not warranted.

1. Why are you doing these domestic things for him? Bluntly, stop. (If you don’t understand why I’m saying this, go and read some other threads on here).
2. Why are you becoming a conduit for his family organising play dates with his child? I’m so confused. Tbh, if you’re doing this role, you look like you’re fully on board and facilitating this flexibility re his child. He won’t think otherwise. You get on well with this relative? Great. Organise adult things and deflect the child stuff to between them.
3. if you want him to prioritise adult time for the two of you - then you need to say, I need xyz. Can you do it?

The reason I’m being this firm is because you’re creating this dynamic and your partner will have no clue that you feel the way you do.
Whatever you create now is how your relationship will play out. So if you want something different, stop doing the ‘family’ stuff and focus on the adult to adult relationship.

This is very good advice.

Definitely stop with the wife work. That one is a slippery slope to resentment (including him feeling resentful if you won't do it because he's come to expect it and see it as your role).

Did he know that you were hoping to spend some time together one on one on Monday seeing as he wasn't having his son? Because what I hear is that you asked him if the three of you could join this other family member and he then subsequently went ahead and facilitated it. In which case, I think YABU.

If, on the other hand, he said no, we don't have DS and you then said, "Ok, in that case, let's plan something for you and me" and he agreed, then YANBU.

Because based on your OP, I can easily see how he didn't think it was a problem to arrange something nice for you all to do together with another family member and their child.

I’m only helping as I have a lot of free time at the moment and he’s my partner. I’m a caring person and happy to help if I’m not doing anything else. If I was busy or had something else on I wouldn’t do it. Likewise I would like him to help me if I was stuck.

With the best will in the world, this is exactly the sort of trap that so many women have fallen into. I include myself in this group.

You are a caring person. You can help so you do. But that all too easily becomes an expectation. The fact he's letting you do it all (while giving you little time in return) suggests that he is happy for you to facilitate his life.

Thing is, you might find that he's not so helpful when you need the help.

@sassbott, 100%.

Op, you are acting as a housekeeper or personal assistant to facilitate his life. What about yours?

The more you give, the less you will receive as he will just assume this is the standard and given you are still in honeymoon period it will get worse.

Realistically this man doesn't have enough time in his life to have a partner and you are accepting scraps.
I'm a single working mum and I can't imagine a partner accepting so little. I actually broke up with someone this week as my life is busy and I felt I wasn't able to priortise him. He had no dc and a more flexible job than mine. I would honestly think any partner who ran around doing my chores was a bit of a doormat who seemed so keen to be with me for whatever scraps I could offer.

I don't think however you can demand he sees you in favour of his son. You just have to be realistic about what this man is offering and build a life separate from him. Don't assume his free time will be with you...book your own stuff and see if he steps up and prioritises you.

I suspect he will miss his housekeeper and feel annoyed you are no longer as useful. When you offer too much in a relationship and get little in return you will end up resenting him.

@AmyG10 EVERYTHING what @sassbott has said. You will get no better advice.
STOP making his life so easy. You're not even living together! I don't say that to diminish the seriousness of your relationship but rather to point out you have segued into wife/grunt work with none of the compromises or benefits that (may) come with a cohabiting relationship. Fast forward to you possibly moving in together & he'll expect you to do everything for him & for your life to completely revolve around his because YOU have set this precedent.

I’m willing to make the sacrifices that come with dating a man with a child so why can’t he meet me halfway?

Op, because I am a caring and genuine person I was honest with my bf and told him that I couldn't commit time to him, as he deserved, because my life was too busy and I had to priortise work and my dc. I could have strung him along for a while, getting him to accept the scraps of time I make available but I didn't think that's healthy. I respected him too much. Selfishly it would have been easier to hang on in for a while as I had invested in the relationship, and put the effort into the new dating phase.

This is why men often won't be truthful...it takes effort to find someone so why let that go? Why not string them along hoping they accept very little and take them off the shelf when it suits.

You are an add on to his life not someone he can make time for in his life as his son and work are more important. I don't blame him for that but he needs to be honest rather than give a weak apology.

If you want to stay with him then have a life outside of him. Get your diary out and if you and him haven't planned dates to be together assume you are free. Get on and plan stuff that enhances your life. If he sees a future with you he will start prioritising you but ultimately he may not be capable of giving you what you deserve.

Don't settle for so little though!

OP. You won’t get better advice than this, you really won’t.

You’ve fallen for the oldest trick in the book which is - Women runs around for man and runs the social and domestic drudgery and emotional work. Man gets to spend his Very Important Time on whatever he wants. When he doesn’t prioritise a woman (who doesn’t prioritise herself), he behaves like he has been told off.

You’re not even living together. After such a short relationship he should be focusing his energy on you. This relationship has fast forwarded into ‘married for 20 years drudge’.

COVID and lock down has made this more of a slippery slope. Now things are opening up it’s time to re-set the tone of this relationship.

@AmyG10 everyone posting on this thread has been this path. Stop the domestic wife stuff. He’s a grown man who managed perfectly well pre you and will manage just as well without this help.

You have free time? The world is reopening. Get out with your child free friends and make him prioritise you and adult time with you.
Right now, you’re handing everything on a plate to him, why would he prioritise you?

Trust us all when we say this dynamic will stay and you will have embedded it!

OP,
"you told him that his kid will always be a priority, but you need to put yourselves first." However, it seems that he has not given an indication that your relationship is at a level where it needs or should come first in his life. If a parent is to put every girlfriend or boyfriend first in their lives, child would be constantly shifting positions.

I think that you are sending signals that you want to play a wife's role by assuming, without being asked, wifely tasks.

You seem to be auditioning for a role in a play that has not yet been written.

Step back into the girl friend lane if you truly enjoy this man's company, and let this man handle his own household activities and management. Nothing good comes from helping out in ways that you have not been invited to assist. Eventually, you will feel used and you won't remember that you volunteered for these chores as opposed to his asking you to do them.

Make yourself less available. If he really wants a relationship with you, he will seek you out. You cannot make him want or need alone time with you by telling him that he needs to make you first. That can be very off putting. If his need for time with you is at a different level than your need for time with him, it may mean that you are at different levels in your expectations and views of the relationship.

Tbh, a man who is not particularly seeking a "wife" styled relationship may not be inclined to rush forward with someone who is assuming that role.

Show him the independent side of you and let him aspire to do things with and for the independent woman who is interesting enough to have a complete life of her own. Your relationship will be more satisfying if he aspires to be a part of your life rather than you assuming tasks and roles in his life while he demonstrates no effort or desire to play a similar role in your life.

In all honesty your relationship has been spent in several lockdowns, you won't be at the stage where you would be had it not been covid. Have you actually seen each other much? Have you meet his child? I think its great he's prioritising his son but your not living together and doing house work you sound like a mug.

OP,
Dating should not involve making a sacrifice. Would you want to be with someone who felt that he wss making a sacrifice by dating you?

You are already seeing yourself as a martyr in the relationship. What exactly are you giving up by dating him? He does not seem to be asking anything of you.

His having a child is a condition, but it is not a condition that requires you to give up anything to which you are entitled.

You may be happier with a childless partner.

@Tiredoftattler thank you for your replies. I often see your responses on other threads and wonder if you are a step parent or what your situation is. Your responses often seem blunt and less than supportive which is a shame as support would be greatly appreciated here. You ask what am I giving up? Well, 50% of my weekends are given to someone else’s child, which I am fine about and it’s not a problem but essentially that does eat into any time I may have had with my partner otherwise say in comparison to dating a man without a child. It means I am giving up my right to spontaneous decisions as he has someone else to consider. Quite rightly, it’s his child but it affects me and I accept that if I want a relationship with him. I am giving up routine to an extent as his child comes first and that requires an element of flexibility.

Please don’t say I’m acting like a martyr. I don’t think it’s wrong to expect to be a priority at least some of the time.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I’m reading through them and taking your comments onboard

And @Tiredoftattler dating DOES require making sacrifices child or no child. It’s a blending of lives and lifestyles/routines and to make that work there has to be compromises. Remember my partner decided he had the time to have a girlfriend when he chose to date me therefore it’s only right he makes the necessary changes to fulfil that

@sassbott @AmyG10.
This! You are stepping onto a path that many of us here have walked already, till the very painful end. We know what’s ahead. Don’t go there.
Unfortunately your good intentions, empathy etc. will work against you.
Set firm boundaries and expectations now. Sadly, great fathers can be awful partners.

[quote AmyG10]@Tiredoftattler thank you for your replies. I often see your responses on other threads and wonder if you are a step parent or what your situation is. Your responses often seem blunt and less than supportive which is a shame as support would be greatly appreciated here. You ask what am I giving up? Well, 50% of my weekends are given to someone else’s child, which I am fine about and it’s not a problem but essentially that does eat into any time I may have had with my partner otherwise say in comparison to dating a man without a child. It means I am giving up my right to spontaneous decisions as he has someone else to consider. Quite rightly, it’s his child but it affects me and I accept that if I want a relationship with him. I am giving up routine to an extent as his child comes first and that requires an element of flexibility.

Please don’t say I’m acting like a martyr. I don’t think it’s wrong to expect to be a priority at least some of the time.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I’m reading through them and taking your comments onboard[/quote]
But you're not giving up 50% of your weekends with him, they were never on the table.

Was he aware that you wanted to have the Monday together before he rearranged things? If not, why didn't you say so?

Having a child and a relationship with someone new is hard. A real political minefield. And quite possibly covid has given you a false sense of the true impact of this.

At a year on, it maybe worth having an honest review of the relationship, where its going and what that truly means for the future. It will mean very little spontaneity. Unlikely to have couple holidays. Child friendly locations from restaurants to holiday locations. School holiday locations. Everything based around working around term times and the school day... That is quite an undertaking.

@AmyG10

And *@Tiredoftattler* dating DOES require making sacrifices child or no child. It’s a blending of lives and lifestyles/routines and to make that work there has to be compromises. Remember my partner decided he had the time to have a girlfriend when he chose to date me therefore it’s only right he makes the necessary changes to fulfil that

But you're naive to assume that this meant the entire 50% of his non child time. By the time you add in family events/contact, hobbies, household obligations, you could be looking at very minimal quality time at points.

As I said, reviewing may be the way forward...

I think some responses here have been based on negative outcomes.

Similar situation to me, however I saw how happy the extra days made my DP and made room for it in my life. I loved him and he came with a child I knew about.

I've never done housework for a man haha he's a domesticated goddess but your simply helping an overworked partner (regardless of children) which is great. As long as he's the type of person to repay you for your efforts which only you will know.

On one occasion when we were in our first year of relationship and took a long weekend away together, when his ex was being difficult. She said to my partner 'I've decided you can see DS today but you have to pick him up by 10'. We were 20 miles away and DP was upset as though we wouldn't make it, so I packed our bags and we drove 100mph to get there.

5 years later that day still resonates in his memory and we have the most amazing relationship/team because neither are selfish. I think if you believe the man is worth it then do it, but also you have to understand that children are a parents world (I know more so since having my own).

You've got with a man who has a child. You take that child in your stride or you are unfortunately not with the right man.