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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I being silly here?

94 replies

AmyG10 · 30/04/2021 08:51

Long backstory which I can’t be bothered going over but currently dating a guy who has a 9 year old child. Been together nearly a year but we don’t live together yet.

My partner has his DS every second weekend and one night through the week. Holidays are split 50/50 but his son’s mother has a habit of asking my partner to have their son extra which often very, very last minute (that’s a different story). On the whole as separated parents go, I’d say he sees him a good amount.

Recently my partner has been working an awful lot from home think 6am-5pm then logging in after dinner until 10 or 11 at night. Not ideal and this week he changed jobs. We have hardly spent any time together as a result but I’ve tried to be supportive, cooked dinner, done his washing, got him in his food shop etc. Which he hasn’t asked me to do but I have the time to help. He prioritises all his annual leave to take his child for the holidays roughly 6 weeks of the year and obv 50% of his weekends and as a result mine are spent where his child has to be the focus.

Which brings me to this weekend. A relative of his asked me if he has his DS on Monday to organise doing something with her child and us. I am close with his relative so she often texts me to organise stuff as I’m quicker at replying and we get on well. I checked with him and he said no his child would be going back to his mums on Sunday at lunchtime. I then told her we couldn’t make it. I then thought, perhaps naively, this would give us some time to ourselves over the bank holiday. Maybe do something nice together especially as most of our relationship has been spent in lockdown. He then tells me he’s now arranged to have his son extra so Monday afterall and plans are back on. His son is now coming for the entire weekend and has also arranged for a family thing for us to go to on Sunday.

Am I being go unreasonable? I don’t mind either things normally, his family are nice and I tend to go with the flow and just fit in with everyone else’s plans but I thought when he had a choice he might have prioritised doing something with me. I feel like I’m just not important sometimes

OP posts:

Original poster

AmyG10 · 30/04/2021 13:32

@BusyLizzie61 thanks for replying. You’re right they were never on the table but I guess I was meaning in comparison to a couple who aren’t in this situation if you get me? It’s something I’ve given up knowingly from the start.

He didn’t know about the Monday I was going to mention doing something but the plans changed so quickly again I hadn’t had the chance. Whilst I get he’s not a mind reader it would’ve been nice for him to initiate the idea? Maybe consider me without asking but anyway I could be overthinking on that one.

“ It will mean very little spontaneity. Unlikely to have couple holidays. Child friendly locations from restaurants to holiday locations. School holiday locations. Everything based around working around term times and the school day... That is quite an undertaking”

I agree with everything you say here. Which is why I’m confused at @Tiredoftattler comment when I’m asked what exactly am I giving up? To me, I’m really trying. I’m trying to be understanding and patient and considerate hence why I’m frustrated. Appreciate your thoughts thank you

OP posts:

Magda72 · 30/04/2021 13:45

@AmyG10 as a pp said your empathy & understanding will work against you as it's not being reciprocated. Sooooo many of us have been there & we're not being negative for the sake of it.
Re the Monday I'd imagine what you needed to hear was something along the lines of "I'm not doing anything with the family that day as we could do with some time together & by the way I really appreciate all you've been doing".
The fact that your dp cannot see this reeks of a lack of emotional intelligence. A lot of men/people are like this & it's up to you if you want to point this out to him.
Some people respond positively to these things being pointed out & amend their behaviours, but then some don't.
This is the sort of stuff I do with my teens! Only you can decide if you want to try to have a conversation with your dp about your needs & his thoughtlessness. And he is being thoughtless - he has work/his dc on his mind and unfortunately he's not thinking of you in any of this.

starfishmummy · 30/04/2021 13:53

I don’t understand how it’s so hard? I’m willing to make the sacrifices that come with dating a man with a child so why can’t he meet me halfway?

He's being a responsible Dad to a 9yo child. On the other hand you are a girlfriend of less than a year. I don't think you are as important to him as you seem to think you are.

FishyFriday · 30/04/2021 13:58

On one occasion when we were in our first year of relationship and took a long weekend away together, when his ex was being difficult. She said to my partner 'I've decided you can see DS today but you have to pick him up by 10'. We were 20 miles away and DP was upset as though we wouldn't make it, so I packed our bags and we drove 100mph to get there.

You see that as a positive?

Pretty much anyone would say to their ex that they were 20 miles away and couldn't get there til whatever time (or that they were away for a long weekend and couldn't do it - what about X day instead). Not abandon their plans and drive dangerously to get there by the ex's deadline.

I would definitely end a relationship with someone who responded this way. And I'd be pissed off with my ex if he drove dangerously to pick DS up. I wouldn't drop a last minute possibility of contact on him to try to ruin his weekend away unless it was an emergency though. I'd have organised things in advance and let DS know when he would be seeing his dad.

Original poster

AmyG10 · 30/04/2021 13:59

@starfishmummy wow. Okay can I ask your advice then? What do I do? I’m clearly not important to my partner. He’ll have his child all weekend plus an extra day. No opportunity to do anything with me. Do you think there are many women out there who would put up with this dynamic?

OP posts:

BusyLizzie61 · 30/04/2021 14:07

[quote AmyG10]@starfishmummy wow. Okay can I ask your advice then? What do I do? I’m clearly not important to my partner. He’ll have his child all weekend plus an extra day. No opportunity to do anything with me. Do you think there are many women out there who would put up with this dynamic?[/quote]
I think that ultimately, another single parent may be better for him, if he's ever to move forward. Then he'd have to invest in arranging time, because 2 people have limited availability. Whereas you have 100% availability and are throwing everything in to this.
Sadly, many lone parents would like a relationship, I would in principle, but don't have the space for such a relationship unless it really adds something to my life. It does become another chore.

He's not a mind reader, but the fact that it sounds as though he's so wrapped up in his life, needs, child etc, which all understandable, does mean you're the bottom of the priority pile... As awful as that is, it's better to know this a year in, during a pandemic than 10nyears down the line...

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 14:52

We were 20 miles away and DP was upset as though we wouldn't make it, so I packed our bags and we drove 100mph to get there.

That is not a positive. If you had crashed it is likely you would have ended up in hospital or dead.

OP, it's been less than a year, stop doing his housework. Your boyfriend should want to spend time with you. Stepfamilies can work but both adults have to be equally valued. Why dont you plan something nice to do by yourself in your free time?

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 14:54

dorris88 · 30/04/2021 14:57

@FizzyApricot

We were 20 miles away and DP was upset as though we wouldn't make it, so I packed our bags and we drove 100mph to get there.

That is not a positive. If you had crashed it is likely you would have ended up in hospital or dead.

Oh my Christ alive it was a figure of speech 😂😂😂😂

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 15:02

I seee sorry! So you fondly remember driving somewhere within the speed limit to get there on time to pick up his son because his ex decided to play mind games and interrupt your weekend away. I'd be annoyed personally that she had ruined a weekend away.

MzHz · 30/04/2021 15:02

@moreofalurker

You will always be second in this mans life. He sounds like a brilliant father

He sounds like a good dad

But there is no reason for op to ‘always be second’

That’s not healthy long term. The 1st place has to vary sometimes but not to the true detriment of others

Needs vs wants.

MzHz · 30/04/2021 15:03

I agree with the wife work horror too! Stop that crap! You’re becoming an appliance!

FishyFriday · 30/04/2021 15:04

@FizzyApricot

Quite.

Shinesun14 · 30/04/2021 15:11

Ah OP you should read my thread about stopping cooking and washing for a fast forward.

I overdid the looking after and domestic drudgery as at the time I was happy to help him and felt adored. I even remember thinking it was cute dss felt so at home to leave his clothes on the floor... I'm now full of resentment and so is H as he's so used to me 'helping' and now I'm not. There are other issues too, but I'm fairly sure my resentment started the toxic shit in our marriage and if I hadn't of done so much to look after them then there wouldn't have been the expectations there are now.

That's not to say don't help, but please keep your own interests and don't sacrifice you for him and his son. You will become bitter and resentful, he will also become resentful and your relationship will break down.

starfishmummy · 30/04/2021 15:13

@AmyG10 you don't like things as they are. So you could hope it changes...or you could walk away. Id walk.

Footloosefancyfree · 30/04/2021 15:14

Op having a relationship with a man who has a child isn't for you. You want to be all to go out on date nights holidays abroad some spontaneity this isn't the case here.

FishyFriday · 30/04/2021 15:24

I don't think it's necessarily that having a relationship with a man with a child that's not right for you @AmyG10. I always imagine this said with the patronising MN head tilt and an air of smug superiority about your lack of moral fibre.

It may be that this man with a child is not right for you. You are always coming last, getting no time with him and picking up the drudge work. And that's the honeymoon period of the relationship.

It's definitely ok to want more than that.

dorris88 · 30/04/2021 15:26

@FizzyApricot

Absolutely, because it's not about the ex at all it was about DP being able to see his child.

Yes it was annoying but I didn't view it as her ruining my weekend, i saw it as 'DP gets to see his child let's prioritise'

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 15:28

FishyFriday I agree, it doesn't mean all men with children won't be right for you OP. But in the first year of a relationship a boyfriend should still be wanting to make time with you.

PurpleBiro21 · 30/04/2021 15:28

@starfishmummy

I don’t understand how it’s so hard? I’m willing to make the sacrifices that come with dating a man with a child so why can’t he meet me halfway?

He's being a responsible Dad to a 9yo child. On the other hand you are a girlfriend of less than a year. I don't think you are as important to him as you seem to think you are.

I agree with this.

He doesn’t want to meet you halfway.

Have you both discussed your lack of time together? It maybe that you simply want different things, and as another PP said, that’s ok.

Women are allowed to have expectations and wishes and walk away if that doesn’t match with your partners.

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 15:29

dorris88 I don't think it's prioritising a child to have them not know what is going on and be used as some sort of reward if your DP manages to get somewhere in time.

weareallpassengers · 30/04/2021 15:30

OP..I think you should walk away you...a relationship shouldn't be this much hard work, especially this early on.

dorris88 · 30/04/2021 15:33

@FizzyApricot

dorris88 I don't think it's prioritising a child to have them not know what is going on and be used as some sort of reward if your DP manages to get somewhere in time.

This was years ago things have changed a lot I'm referring to the choices we make as single women to move on with men with children. I give up 😅

AlmostSummer21 · 30/04/2021 15:35

A man pandering to his Ex, doesn't say anything about whether he's a good Dad or not.

A man that doesn't ever prioritise his current partner over his ex, is not a good partner.

If he wants to be in a relationship he needs to put the effort in and he's NOT. He had the opportunity to spend the day with you and he didn't want to.

You're 'looking after him & his 'needs''. He's not looking after your needs or showing that he wants to spend time with you.

Why do you want this for yourself??

FishyFriday · 30/04/2021 15:42

@FizzyApricot

dorris88 I don't think it's prioritising a child to have them not know what is going on and be used as some sort of reward if your DP manages to get somewhere in time.

I agree. I don't think that's about prioritising a child. It's a strong indication of an ex who sees the child as a pawn and a man who is scared to stand up to her.

I'd tell anyone to run in that situation.

Children need consistency, clarity and boundaries. A last minute you can see the child today if you get here in this amount of time gives them child none of that. Especially when it will clearly have been intended to sabotage a weekend away. Rather than pandering to his ex's games, I'd expect to see a man getting a clear and legally binding child arrangements order to ensure a consistent pattern of contact with the child.

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