Am I being silly here?

[AmyG10]

Long backstory which I can’t be bothered going over but currently dating a guy who has a 9 year old child. Been together nearly a year but we don’t live together yet.

My partner has his DS every second weekend and one night through the week. Holidays are split 50/50 but his son’s mother has a habit of asking my partner to have their son extra which often very, very last minute (that’s a different story). On the whole as separated parents go, I’d say he sees him a good amount.

Recently my partner has been working an awful lot from home think 6am-5pm then logging in after dinner until 10 or 11 at night. Not ideal and this week he changed jobs. We have hardly spent any time together as a result but I’ve tried to be supportive, cooked dinner, done his washing, got him in his food shop etc. Which he hasn’t asked me to do but I have the time to help. He prioritises all his annual leave to take his child for the holidays roughly 6 weeks of the year and obv 50% of his weekends and as a result mine are spent where his child has to be the focus.

Which brings me to this weekend. A relative of his asked me if he has his DS on Monday to organise doing something with her child and us. I am close with his relative so she often texts me to organise stuff as I’m quicker at replying and we get on well. I checked with him and he said no his child would be going back to his mums on Sunday at lunchtime. I then told her we couldn’t make it. I then thought, perhaps naively, this would give us some time to ourselves over the bank holiday. Maybe do something nice together especially as most of our relationship has been spent in lockdown. He then tells me he’s now arranged to have his son extra so Monday afterall and plans are back on. His son is now coming for the entire weekend and has also arranged for a family thing for us to go to on Sunday.

Am I being go unreasonable? I don’t mind either things normally, his family are nice and I tend to go with the flow and just fit in with everyone else’s plans but I thought when he had a choice he might have prioritised doing something with me. I feel like I’m just not important sometimes

[quote pigglepot]@FishyFriday I'm talking about on an essential, basic level. And sorry it is true. My daughter comes first between me and my husband. It doesn't mean I don't choose to get myself a cup of tea before getting her breakfast or get my nails done whist she hangs out with her dad but it means that when it comes to big decisions or the basics of how our family works- she is number one. [/quote]
It's neither true nor healthy.

Lots of us are mothers and stepmothers you know.

My children do not always come first. Sometimes my job does. Sometimes I do. Sometimes my husband does. Sometimes I do. And so on. Everyone's needs are met. But no one comes first 100% of the time.

@FishyFriday I don't understand what it's like to be a step parent. I understand what it's like to be an adult and I understand what it's like to be a child of step parents. I didn't realise the step parenting forums are solely reserved for step parents. I would have thought step parents would be interested to know what the point of view of children who have been through it is. But perhaps not. Which arguably goes back to my point about the selfishness of adults who are step parents. For them it's about how difficult it is for THEM and it's not really convenient to hear how painful it is as an experience for children when adults act poorly.

I’m a caring person too, so I’ll give you some free advice-

Stop prioritising a man for whom you are merely an option.

You’ve been with your boyfriend for a very short amount of time and you don’t see that much of each other. When you are together, you’re doing the drudge work. It’s like you’re playing wife and mother but without any of the benefits.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in wanting more, but it sounds like you’re not going to get it from this guy any time soon. He’s prioritising his son, which is great and what he should be doing.

Op your boyfriend being a dad is a red herring here. Any parent should put their child first however somehow you have become his cleaner/ cook / family organiser . Its truly bizarre his relative is texting you with regards to his childcare arrangements.
Please start prioritising yourself and your own life , you deserve more than this

It has taken me years to stop being so unselfish and actually having some of my needs met. I am perfectly willing to hear how my actions could potentially affect my stepchildren. I take great effort to try and ensure they don't.

[quote pigglepot]@FishyFriday I don't understand what it's like to be a step parent. I understand what it's like to be an adult and I understand what it's like to be a child of step parents. I didn't realise the step parenting forums are solely reserved for step parents. I would have thought step parents would be interested to know what the point of view of children who have been through it is. But perhaps not. Which arguably goes back to my point about the selfishness of adults who are step parents. For them it's about how difficult it is for THEM and it's not really convenient to hear how painful it is as an experience for children when adults act poorly. [/quote]
This is exactly the kind of unhelpful post that illustrates quite how little you understand about being a stepparent. And the extent to which you have an axe to grind.

It's a step parenting forum. Where people are looking for help and support with issues. How they feel and their experiences matter. Especially since the whole world (and often the people they live with) is so often insistent that their feelings and experiences don't matter. How dare they not put the children first? Aren't they awful because they don't love them like their own? Even worse, they enjoy the time when they're not there?

Stepmothers in particular are very often acutely aware that it's hard for the children. And they're expected to put the children's feelings first at all times. They're the adult after all. Just because you think they're all selfish and don't care about the children, only means you haven't got a clue what's going on in most of their lives.

@FishyFriday I can assure you I have no axe to grind. It seems like your the one with the axe to grind telling me I must be holding a grudge to be even posting here and that I don't understand anything at all. And your weird statement that "poor little step children of divorce" indicates to me you feel quite bitter about a lot of this stuff and perhaps don't understand children quite as well as you think you do- children don't manipulate or act like the injured party.

I have two step parents both of whom I adore. I hold no grudge for the way I was treated as a child. It happened and I think everyone was probably doing the best they could with the tools they had available to them at the time. I believe that's true for most people. But I do also wish someone had been there for me and stuck up for me at the time when I didn't have the tools to do it myself. So I thought I would be that person for this child.

I think this thread is in danger of being derailed by pointless bickering and to be honest I think the most recent posters have said it best- OP probably isn't getting her needs me and probably won't in the way she wants with this man so perhaps it's not the right relationship for her.

*you're

your weird statement that "poor little step children of divorce" indicates to me you feel quite bitter about a lot of this stuff and perhaps don't understand children quite as well as you think you do- children don't manipulate or act like the injured party.

Of course, assume that comment related to the children's behaviour. Because none of us are living with a man who insists his children (and only his children) fit that description. In no way does that shape our experience of blended family life.

Incidentally children do manipulate and act the injured party. All of them. It's part of the panoply of human behaviour. It's not even always negative. But they can and do manipulate situations. Or try to. Even your children.

His DS comes first and its how he feels. He has loved his son for 9 years and you for a year. It's inevitable his son takes priority and at the moment you come a poor third after DS and work. This is often the case with a parent with children and frankly it sucks for the childless partner. Until you live together, commit to a relationship and have your own DC, you will always come last.

Whether you are prepared to stick around for this is up to you. FWIW. I think he loves you and will commit eventually, but he is clearly torn and putting his DS first. I think he is worth sticking with but it won't be easy in the short term.

I'm really sorry, but you dont live together so stop doing the wife work. He is perfectly capable of doing his own food shop. Sounds like you are very low on his list. I wouldnt want to that low a priority. You deserve a better relationship.

I’m willing to make the sacrifices that come with dating a man with a child so why can’t he meet me halfway?

Because he doesn't need to, you're making all the sacrifices, taking what he's dishing out and providing free PA/Housekeeping duties. He doesn't want this to change most likely.

Likewise I would like him to help me if I was stuck
He wasn't tsuck though - just juggling natural, normal shifts in work/life....plenty do that and manage their own shopping,cooking, cleaning.....

My partner has his DS every second weekend and one night through the week....On the whole as separated parents go, I’d say he sees him a good amount
I disagree.
That's a pitiful amount of time to be able to spend with one's own child - even as a NRP.

It sounds as though you've decided how much contact with his child is appropriate and are getting pissed off that he's made his own decision re work/parenting.

You're not being unreasonable, you're just making it far too easy for your DP to stick you at the bottom of the pile. Show him that your needs should be taken into consideration too.

When he said his DC wasn't able to do the family activity, you could immediately have said, let's plan something nice for the two of us to do. It sounds like your DP interpreted your silence as disappointment that you couldn't attend the family event with his DC, for him to have gone on rearrange things so his DC could attend after all.

I agree with all PP, you need to stop doing all this wifework, especially as you don't currently live together. If you have lots of spare time, spend it on yourself! Your DP is already expecting a lot from you, and as you are facilitating this thought of his, it will come as a shock to him when you start to pull back (this weekend had given you an indication of his expectations).

If you don't reduce your effort towards this partnership, or start to put yourself first sometimes (and show your DP that), your resentment will build, and the relationship will suffer.

Do you think there are many women out there who would put up with this dynamic?

Perhaps women who have reduced options in the dating pool for one reason or another would put up with it.

If he's not able or willing to spend dedicated time with you, then the best thing is to leave him. A relationship should be worth your while.

I think you’re mad to be considering being in this relationship to begin with. You are both at totally different stages in life, and you both have differing availability for each other, that alone means it will be next to impossible to ever have a healthy balance in relationship dynamics.

How did you meet this man OP? Was it online/random or did you know him for years beforehand? Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who has kids? If it was random, what were your boundaries about a potential partner before going ahead on that first date? Ie for some it’s smoking, or differing attitudes to religion, or lifestyle/finances. I just wonder if you understand the massive amounts of baggage and consequences to a future relationship that a new partner with kids can bring, when your own circumstances are so different.

You just strike be as being a bit naive about this, and way too keen to rush in and push it along by wanting to get massively involved in your partner’s life and life admin. That might be okay if things were more balanced between you but they never will be because he has a kid. And he’s clearly happy with you as an just a minor add on to his life (not surprising as you’ve not really been “together “ long or much) but you’re keener to have a more centre stage role.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I’ve been reading them all and taking the points onboard.

For a bit of clarity, some people have said we are at different stages etc and I seem to want more than him. I may have came across wrong, we are serious and have talked openly about the future, met each other’s families etc.

We have spent a lot of time together too we just have missed out on the ‘normal’ stuff you do at the start of a relationship because of lockdown there was nowhere to go. This was another reason I was keen to do something nice with him today as things have started to open up.

With regards the domestic stuff I’ve taken your points onboard and won’t be doing it again for him. I was just being helpful but I agree it can make me look a bit like I’m running after him.

So an update....his relative couldn’t make the day out today afterall, even after he went to the trouble of arranging to have his son the extra day. To those of you who felt I’m naive and not pleased he’s putting his son first, that’s not the case. I know he’s a great dad and I’m happy he gets extra time with him. I just felt with was an imbalance as he had the entire weekend with his son and I fit into their plans. It was simply that today could’ve been a day for us to do something as a couple.

Truth is, I’m finding it hard. I wouldn’t ever stop him seeing his child I just want him to learn to put me as a very close second. There’s a lot of things that have happened previously, such as him cancelling last minute to accommodate the ex on things that weren’t urgent. I also had to spend my birthday alone as this was his day with his son and I hadn’t met him at that point. I guess I just felt like this weekend was another example of not even being considered.

He’s apologised and agreed he just didn’t think. Says he thought we could’ve done something together which ordinarily I’d be happy to do but at the end of the day at only a year more or less of dating we are still at that stage. I’m happy to take on more of a stepmom role down the line perhaps when we are living together but until then am I unreasonable to think we should still be making the most of free time as couple time?

He’s now arranged to take his son out with his sons friend and I’m left alone. Happy to do my own thing but to me it’s not the point...

It doesn't sound like he is in a position to be in a relationship. He can only offer 2 free days a month to date. And then cancels on you late notice for non-emergencies.

Step parenting is hard even when you have a good partner who makes the effort. If he's not making the effort after only a year, it's incredibly unlikely he will change. This is him on best behaviour. Have a read of the threads on here from people years down the line with partners who don't make the effort/have no boundaries with the ex wife.

I would cut my losses, but I know it's easier I said than done.

Maybe have a timescale in your head of a month or two and see if he does make the effort now you have said something. I suspect he won't, or if he does it won't last as he just wants someone who will wait around and take up whatever scraps of time are thrown their way.

I don't think you should hold not being able to do anything with him on your birthday against him. It was his contact day and you hadn't met his son yet. What else was he meant to do?!