Page 3 | Am I being silly here?

PurpleBiro21 · 30/04/2021 15:45

What happens on the weekends that he doesn’t have his son?

Do you spend time together then?

CallMeCleo · 30/04/2021 15:48

Hmm.

First you said you are "dating a guy". Your words. Later you mention not seeing each other much as the whole relationship has been during lockdown.

You tell us you are already doing his chores, and when you are given good advice not to, suddenly you switch and call him your "partner".

He isn't your partner. You don't even live together. You are inviting him to take you for granted already.

If you have lots of time on your hands then study for a new career or absorbing hobby, or enjoy your single life. Don't waste your time as an unpaid housemaid to this man.

Tough love. But it is love.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 30/04/2021 16:00

I agree with most of what others have already said.

Stop doing his drudgery - he will come to expect it
Make it clear what your expectations are in the relationship. Regardless of his child, you deserve to be prioritised sometimes too
Man with child does not automatically equal no time for a relationship. These things have to be balanced. Even when I first got together with my husband many years ago, we had time set aside just for 'us' when his kids weren't around. If plans had to change at the last minute, he would usually check with me first.

Hope this helps

Original poster

AmyG10 · 30/04/2021 16:12

@PurpleBiro21 yes we do but we never get a full weekend to ourselves. On his ‘free’ weekends the child comes on the Sunday afternoon. So technically we get 2 full days together a month. By the time you add in family/friends/hobbies doesn’t amount to much. Hence when he had an additional free day after having the child all weekend I was upset he chose the child again over planning something with me. Maybe that’s selfish but I don’t think I’m asking for much to have more than 2 days a month with my partner.

@CallMeCleo you’re reading into my choice of words too much there. Partner/dating same thing. I was just meaning we aren’t married. I wasn’t inviting him to take me for granted I was just trying to help someone who was busy and stressed. Like I said above in the thread I think he would do the same if I was stuck. If it becomes a habit that’s him taking the p* but helping over a busy couple of weeks when I’m free doesn’t make me an unpaid housemaid. I’ve got plenty of hobbies and friends etc and I have my own business to keep me busy I just wanted us to make the most of an extra child free day together

OP posts:

PurpleBiro21 · 30/04/2021 16:24

I just wondered if you spent any time together at all.

Have you discussed that you want to spend more time together with him?

As I said before, sounds as if you have mismatched expectations. That’s fine for both of you, but means you are incompatible.

Original poster

AmyG10 · 30/04/2021 16:39

@PurpleBiro21 I haven’t brought up more time. I don’t see how that would go down well esp as having read this thread some of the responses have painted me as being a bit unreasonable already

OP posts:

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 16:42

It is not unreasonable for you to want more time with him. I just don't know if you'll get it. So I would say to make sure you are happy in the relationship and if you aren't don't be afraid to leave. There's no bad guy here, but you might not have compatible wants/needs and this is ok.

PurpleBiro21 · 30/04/2021 16:47

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, I don’t think many here do.

There’s no reason why you shouldn’t chase your expectations, it’s just that his expectations are valid too so you may need to chase elsewhere.

It’s possible to ask him if he is happy with the amount of time you spend together as you would like more time, without bringing up his son.

It may be worth it to decipher whether or not he actually wants to spend more time together.

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 16:50

As PurpleBiro21 says don't make it about the amount of time he spends with his son and then you can gauge if he's happy or wants to spend more time with you alone.

Original poster

AmyG10 · 30/04/2021 16:52

@PurpleBiro21@FizzyApricot thank you both x

OP posts:

Blacktothepink · 30/04/2021 18:27

I’d leave. He’s a great dad, which is brilliant, but not a great partner. Find someone with no responsibilities is my suggestion.

pigglepot · 30/04/2021 18:32

@AmyG10 as an adult with step parents it always makes me so sad that adults with step children can be as selfish as they are. I'm sorry to be blunt and I know you do have needs too and my advice would be totally different if your partner didn't have a child but he does and that child needs to come first 100% of the time and ideally have a step parent who doesn't think of him as "someone else's child" as you have said you see him. I was very much seen as someone else's child and I can assure you children can tell and it's so much less than they deserve. You partner will most likely wish he could see his child every day and so for him it's absolutely right that any opportunity he gets is spent with the child. My step mother ended up being resentful and jealous of me and my brother and it was hugely damaging and painful for me. It got easier when she had children of her own.

pigglepot · 30/04/2021 18:36

And to add- you sound like a very loving and caring person but as others have said you might be directing your energies in the wrong direction unless you can get on board 100% with this child and being part of their life. It's such a patronising thing to say but it's true that you don't really understand what it's like to love a child (or anyone) until you have them. Your partner will never love you like he loves his son (quite rightly) and you will always be second to him. When you are both parents of the same child you know this fact and you don't care- I will never love my husband like I love my children and vice versa. But I'm guessing it's a hard one to cope with if you (a) don't also love that child more then your partner or (b) don't have children of your own.

Magda72 · 30/04/2021 18:40

@pigglepot I would argue that your father had a huge part to play in the dynamic between you & your sm. My dc have a sm and yes, she views them as someone else's children because that's exactly what they are. My dc have a great relationship with her because my exh & I handle the parenting & don't expect partners to treat our dc as we do. We expect mutual kindness & mutual respect but that's it - we do all the rest. Too many stepparents are scapegoated by children who should really be looking to & questioning the behaviour of their own parents.
Furthermore no child should come first 100% of the time. Children have to learn compromise in order to become kind, empathetic adults.

Maggiesfarm · 30/04/2021 18:42

[quote AmyG10]@sassbott I’m only helping as I have a lot of free time at the moment and he’s my partner. I’m a caring person and happy to help if I’m not doing anything else. If I was busy or had something else on I wouldn’t do it. Likewise I would like him to help me if I was stuck.

With regards why am I organising stuff I’ve told him he can do this from now on. ESP as I told her it wouldn’t be possible when he went and made plans anyway.

Told him and yes his kid will be a priority but we need to put ourselves first but last night he just went quiet and said sorry. I don’t understand how it’s so hard? I’m willing to make the sacrifices that come with dating a man with a child so why can’t he meet me halfway?[/quote]
You haven't yet been together for a year and already you are calling this man your 'partner'. How on earth did you manage the partnership during lockdown?

It is good that he is prioritising his son but I foresee problems.

Why not try to find a man without a child, that would make life easier.

Stop doing domestic stuff for him, even though you have time. You're not his housekeeper.

FishyFriday · 30/04/2021 18:45

@AmyG10

Long backstory which I can’t be bothered going over but currently dating a guy who has a 9 year old child. Been together nearly a year but we don’t live together yet.

My partner has his DS every second weekend and one night through the week. Holidays are split 50/50 but his son’s mother has a habit of asking my partner to have their son extra which often very, very last minute (that’s a different story). On the whole as separated parents go, I’d say he sees him a good amount.

Recently my partner has been working an awful lot from home think 6am-5pm then logging in after dinner until 10 or 11 at night. Not ideal and this week he changed jobs. We have hardly spent any time together as a result but I’ve tried to be supportive, cooked dinner, done his washing, got him in his food shop etc. Which he hasn’t asked me to do but I have the time to help. He prioritises all his annual leave to take his child for the holidays roughly 6 weeks of the year and obv 50% of his weekends and as a result mine are spent where his child has to be the focus.

Which brings me to this weekend. A relative of his asked me if he has his DS on Monday to organise doing something with her child and us. I am close with his relative so she often texts me to organise stuff as I’m quicker at replying and we get on well. I checked with him and he said no his child would be going back to his mums on Sunday at lunchtime. I then told her we couldn’t make it. I then thought, perhaps naively, this would give us some time to ourselves over the bank holiday. Maybe do something nice together especially as most of our relationship has been spent in lockdown. He then tells me he’s now arranged to have his son extra so Monday afterall and plans are back on. His son is now coming for the entire weekend and has also arranged for a family thing for us to go to on Sunday.

Am I being go unreasonable? I don’t mind either things normally, his family are nice and I tend to go with the flow and just fit in with everyone else’s plans but I thought when he had a choice he might have prioritised doing something with me. I feel like I’m just not important sometimes

Why do people who have been stepchildren insist on telling stepparents what to do on MN?

I'm an adult with stepparents and a stepparent and I can categorically say that the former gave me no insight into the latter.

In fact, becoming a stepparent has helped me to realise that much of the time I didn't have a clue about what was really going on. And my interpretations were very often a case of me getting the wrong end of the stick/seeing the stepparent as the issue rather than my parent.

In any family situation, it's ridiculous and unhealthy to say that children must come first 100% if they time. It's also ridiculous to insist that a stepparent must love their partner's child like their own. There are a great many reasons why they may not.

Posts telling a woman whose actual problem is that her boyfriend is taking her for granted, not giving her any time and she's doing the grunt work that she's selfish and unfair and, of course he's such a wonderful father and it should always be all about the children don't help anyone.

Right, I'm off to tell some people that their doctor's diagnosis is wrong on the basis that I've been a patient. Or to tell some teachers that they have no right to complain about some aspect of their job on the basis that I used to go to school.

FishyFriday · 30/04/2021 18:46

[quote pigglepot]@AmyG10 as an adult with step parents it always makes me so sad that adults with step children can be as selfish as they are. I'm sorry to be blunt and I know you do have needs too and my advice would be totally different if your partner didn't have a child but he does and that child needs to come first 100% of the time and ideally have a step parent who doesn't think of him as "someone else's child" as you have said you see him. I was very much seen as someone else's child and I can assure you children can tell and it's so much less than they deserve. You partner will most likely wish he could see his child every day and so for him it's absolutely right that any opportunity he gets is spent with the child. My step mother ended up being resentful and jealous of me and my brother and it was hugely damaging and painful for me. It got easier when she had children of her own. [/quote]
Sorry. This is the post I'm meant to quote. But was too useless to do it properly. Oh well.

pigglepot · 30/04/2021 18:50

@Magda72 ok- that's your opinion but I don't agree. It's too complicated to get into on a forum but my step mum was cruel with a vile temper abs resented my brother and I for having money from her and my dad. As an adult I can see a lot of it came from the fact she wanted children but didn't have them for at least the first few years of knowing us. She is still my step mother now and we have a good relationship and I care for her very much but I'll never forget those early years. Undoubtedly my dad had a role to play and still does- I think he has always felt torn between us and his wife and chose often not to get involved but it doesn't excuse her behaviour as an adult vs a child. Similarly I had a step dad who used to basically ignore me unless me abs my mum argued when he would fly off the handle at me. It didn't work because there was no relationship between us which is crucial when you argue with someone. He also blamed us for things that went wrong in his marriage to my mum. There are step parents who see their step children as theirs or if not theirs then they are able to have empathy and compassion for them and love them. I wish I had had that growing up. It's nice that you feel your dynamic works but for me and my step parents and the dynamic I had it didn't work. And I totally disagree that children shouldn't come first 100% of the time. In a relationship with two adults the children come first 100% of the time. Why should that change because their parents have split up? It's damaging for children and is t the way to learn selflessness it's a way to breed insecurity and attachment issues.

FishyFriday · 30/04/2021 18:51

And I totally disagree that children shouldn't come first 100% of the time. In a relationship with two adults the children come first 100% of the time.

This just isn't true. Nor is it desirable.

pigglepot · 30/04/2021 18:54

@FishyFriday totally agree with you that being a step parent and being a step child are totally different. I've never believed they are the same and now as an adult I certainly can see the side of the step parent. But what step parents sometimes fail to see is that children don't have the capacity or ability to see all sides of the story or to care about their step parents feelings or whatever. They are children and they don't have the ability to process or manage feelings like adults do so adults have to do it for them. They are also often children who have gone through at least some level of trauma due to the separation so may be struggling with issues related to that.

I have great sympathy for the poster she sounds like a caring person who gives a lot to the relationship and probably isn't getting what she needs back, but that doesn't mean I don't think the child in this situation should come first.

pigglepot · 30/04/2021 18:56

@FishyFriday I'm talking about on an essential, basic level. And sorry it is true. My daughter comes first between me and my husband. It doesn't mean I don't choose to get myself a cup of tea before getting her breakfast or get my nails done whist she hangs out with her dad but it means that when it comes to big decisions or the basics of how our family works- she is number one.

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 18:57

@FishyFriday

And I totally disagree that children shouldn't come first 100% of the time. In a relationship with two adults the children come first 100% of the time.

This just isn't true. Nor is it desirable.

My own child doesn't come first 100% of the time. That's not how families should work. How does my SC's mum cope? She has 2 children how do they both get priority at the same time? They don't a good family set up is flexible so all members of the family get their needs met.

FizzyApricot · 30/04/2021 18:59

[quote pigglepot]@FishyFriday I'm talking about on an essential, basic level. And sorry it is true. My daughter comes first between me and my husband. It doesn't mean I don't choose to get myself a cup of tea before getting her breakfast or get my nails done whist she hangs out with her dad but it means that when it comes to big decisions or the basics of how our family works- she is number one. [/quote]
But if that meant either you or your husband was continuously not happy then the whole family unit will crumble.

FishyFriday · 30/04/2021 19:00

[quote pigglepot]@FishyFriday totally agree with you that being a step parent and being a step child are totally different. I've never believed they are the same and now as an adult I certainly can see the side of the step parent. But what step parents sometimes fail to see is that children don't have the capacity or ability to see all sides of the story or to care about their step parents feelings or whatever. They are children and they don't have the ability to process or manage feelings like adults do so adults have to do it for them. They are also often children who have gone through at least some level of trauma due to the separation so may be struggling with issues related to that.

I have great sympathy for the poster she sounds like a caring person who gives a lot to the relationship and probably isn't getting what she needs back, but that doesn't mean I don't think the child in this situation should come first. [/quote]
I sincerely doubt that many stepparents don't realise that children are children and don't understand what's actually going on.

Nor are they aware that the children's parents split up. Indeed the 'my poor little victims of divorce' idea drives a lot of post-divorce parenting. The stepparents living with this are well aware of it.

I'm also unconvinced that now you're an adult you understand what it's like to be a stepparent. Or understand the dynamic you experienced in any great way. This forum is full of actual stepparents who do have more understanding of what being a stepparent is actually like. The advice from former stepchildren with a grudge, ex wives with a grudge and people who just think blended families are inherently awful (and they'd never let it happen to their children) just isn't very useful. And mostly makes it very clear that the people who post it do not have any idea what it's like to be a stepparent.

pigglepot · 30/04/2021 19:01

@FizzyApricot I think everyone is taking this too literally. The point is that the OP was asking if she was being unreasonable that her partner wanted to spend bank holiday weekend with his son rather than reserving it for her. My opinion is that the child should get first dibs over the bank holiday weekend rather than the relationship. It's good for the child and it's good for the father and if the OP can also enjoy spending time with them both then hopefully good for them as a unit.