Baby + Mom + Step Children

[Amanda87]

My mom will come to help with my baby when it's time. I wonder how much stress it'll be having to deal with all the changes, plus I know my DH's ex will send the kids here when it's not our time with them on purpose cause she's never given me a f(^( break.

My mom will probably not want to watch over kids that aren't mine. She's coming for HER Grandchild. I am a little anxious when that time comes and she has to stay home waiting for me to come back from the hospital with kids she's never seen(because she doesn't live in this country)... How to approach this?
TIA

Has your mum ever meet the kids even on zoom?
I would give her a heads up that DSC may be here as they are part of the babies family I would be wary of saying they cant come. However I wouldn't be agreeing to have them if their dads not their so your mum wont need to be minding them

I would honestly not expect any sort of caring from my mom, because obviously I would be the one in need for help. I agree with Aimee1987 and would say no to having them if husband isn't home.

Your Mum will have to just be an adult and suck it up. If she’s here to really help you then she needs to get stuck in; not just do the nice bits with the baby. I come from a confinement culture where Mums do come and I’d expect mine to look after my DSC if I had them.

If your mum only looks after her grandchild, you'll have to look after the step kids which isn't helpful at all since the step kids are older so probably involve a lot of being on your feet. (Cleaning, making melas, walking around, sitting at a table to do activities...)

Presumably your h will take paternity leave? Then step kids should come during that and your mum can come after that. Your h needs to say no to childcare if he's not there.

Firstly you do not have to look after your stepchildren if their dad isn’t home. They have 2 parents who should sort childcare arrangements between themselves.
If you want and are happy to have them there then great, but if you’re exhausted with a new baby and your DH can’t look after them then they simply don’t come. You’re not “back up” childcare when their parents don’t want to make proper arrangements.

Also, your mum is under no obligation to look after your stepchildren. I’ve been with my husband 6 years and my mum has never once babysat for my SD. Why would she? I wouldn’t expect or even ask! My SD has 2 parents who aren’t me, and 4 grandparents who aren’t my mum!

Would ex be happy with a stranger (your mum) looking after the kids?

The ex shouldn’t be sending the kids when it’s her time. You’re not there to babysit her kids for her just because you’ve had a baby (and if you work you’ll be on maternity leave so she shouldn’t be taking advantage of this because it’s not for her benefit is it?).

And your mum isn’t being unreasonable either. She’s there to help you and to look after her grandchild. She will have to bear in mind that the stepchildren will be there on their father’s time to have them so she can’t completely avoid them if she will be there for a few days/weeks, BUT if they keep to the contact schedule they had pre baby as they should, then there will be no extra days and he will be there to look after his children anyway. So your mum really doesn’t really need to get involved with them if she doesn’t want to.

OP, this is a conversation that you should be having with your husband. If he wants his children in the house, he should make arrangements to provide child care in his absence. He should not make any assumptions about your mother's availability or willingness to look after his children.

This is a problem that is easily resolved by his making proper arrangements before hand.

If you're in labour when its not contact time with the SC, don't tell the ex. If she gets wind of it and tries to come round while your mum is home alone, tell you mum not to answer the door. If you go into labour whilst you do have the DC with you though, you need some sort of childcare plan if ex is not willing to show some common decency and help you out as a one off. This is for your DH to sort though, and doesn't have to default to your mum if she isn't comfortable (can his parents, as the actual GPs, babysit them?)

@GrumpyHoonMain

Your Mum will have to just be an adult and suck it up. If she’s here to really help you then she needs to get stuck in; not just do the nice bits with the baby. I come from a confinement culture where Mums do come and I’d expect mine to look after my DSC if I had them.

That's very entitled @GrumpyHoonMain!

OP if you had your dp are at the hospital do you really think that his ex would send the children over to be in the care of a stranger just to spite you? It seems extreme and not at all the best interests of her children as she has no idea if your mother is a suitable caretaker. If you really think she would then your mum should just not answer the door.

I'm sure your SCs will want to meet their new sibling but your dp needs to be the one providing the care for them when they do.

Where will your DH be?

If he will be home then he can help with the children. Your mum shouldn't be expected to look after your DSC.

However if he is not home and it's just you and your Mum then he will have to tell his ex he can't have them because he's working.

Where is your partner in all of this?

@GrumpyHoonMain

Your Mum will have to just be an adult and suck it up. If she’s here to really help you then she needs to get stuck in; not just do the nice bits with the baby. I come from a confinement culture where Mums do come and I’d expect mine to look after my DSC if I had them.

Her mom would have to suck it up?????????? What is your problem. You do sound like an entitled spoiled brat! Or perhaps you are one of the moms that can't wait to get rid of your children, even with strangers. NO way any person has a legal obligation or has to SUCK IT UP when the children are not theirs at all. You're a joke!

Right,@GrumpyHoonMain, that sentiment is going over real well here-perhaps you could reread the original post and engage logic,reading comprehension and empathy for a woman who is about to give birth! She's not sending her stepchildren away she's anticipating the children's' mother to act out which she has form for doing

@GrumpyHoonMain

Your Mum will have to just be an adult and suck it up. If she’s here to really help you then she needs to get stuck in; not just do the nice bits with the baby. I come from a confinement culture where Mums do come and I’d expect mine to look after my DSC if I had them.

Is this for real?! OPs mum is helping out! I hope you aren't/weren't that rude to your own mother.

OP - if your partner isn't around to look after his own children then they can't just be dumped on you/your mum.

Your dsc and your dc will thank you in the long run if they aren't kept away when their sibling is born... If you want a decent relationship with them and between each other why would you and your dm not support your entire family? They may have their own biological parents but they are your dc's sibling and dh's dc.. Same as your baby is. Would you want your dc shoved out the way for a new one arriving?

Could DH offer to pick them up and drop them off for a bit so there's no risk of them being dumped outside your house while she drives off?

Your dsc and your dc will thank you in the long run if they aren't kept away when their sibling is born...
This isn’t actually about them and OP hasn’t suggested keeping them away, she just doesn’t want to be landed with additional responsibility for them.
If you want a decent relationship with them and between each other why would you and your dm not support your entire family?
Having a decent relationship with step children should not depend on ignoring the needs and rights of a post natal woman. If it does there are far bigger problems and OP pleasing everyone else isn’t going to do any good anyway so she might as well just look after herself at what is, after all, of the most vulnerable times in a woman’s life.
They may have their own biological parents but they are your dc's sibling and dh's dc.. Same as your baby is. Would you want your dc shoved out the way for a new one arriving?
The only person who seems to be likely to do any shoving is the DSC mother shoving her kids on to another woman when it’s not appropriate and they aren’t particularly wanted.

@Aprilshowersandhail

Your dsc and your dc will thank you in the long run if they aren't kept away when their sibling is born... If you want a decent relationship with them and between each other why would you and your dm not support your entire family? They may have their own biological parents but they are your dc's sibling and dh's dc.. Same as your baby is. Would you want your dc shoved out the way for a new one arriving?

Oh FFS. No one is shoving anyone out of the way.

The post partum mother and her newborn deserve at least a couple of days of time alone.

Hardly likely to damage a sibling relationship!

OP your DSC should only be coming if you’re husband is there in these circumstances, and you and your mother do not need to explain or apologies for not providing childcare. This is firmly your DH’s problem to solve.

Why are childcare issues only down to you, your mum or their mum? Your DH can look after his children and sort out an emergency childcare plan for if he needs one when you are in labour.

He can say no to having them extra if he isn't around. Childcare is a parents issue, not a women's issue.

Your husband is responsible for caring for his children. They shouldn’t be coming over when he’s not there.

Your mum is coming to look after you. If, for you, that also means looking after the baby, then that’s great. But your step kids are still the responsibility of their mother and father.

Information diet for the ex so you can avoid shenanigans like kids showing up unexpectedly.

Childcare for your DSC is between your DH and their mum. If he’s around to look after them, that’s up to him. But if it’s just you and your mum in, then you’re caring for the baby and there isn’t a suitable adult to care for them. Not unreasonable at all. Just stay out of all discussions with the ex and make clear to your DH that any arrangements for the DSC involve him and him alone.

Doesn't your mum want a relationship with your stepchildren?
Life will be very complicated over the coming years if she doesn't!

Totally agree with @AnneLovesGilbert - your mum does not need to be looking after your stepkids and neither do you straight after giving birth. Contact time is for them to see their father - if he isn't available during his usual contact he needs to make other arrangements that don't involve your mum