Baby + Mom + Step Children

[Amanda87]

My mom will come to help with my baby when it's time. I wonder how much stress it'll be having to deal with all the changes, plus I know my DH's ex will send the kids here when it's not our time with them on purpose cause she's never given me a f(^( break.

My mom will probably not want to watch over kids that aren't mine. She's coming for HER Grandchild. I am a little anxious when that time comes and she has to stay home waiting for me to come back from the hospital with kids she's never seen(because she doesn't live in this country)... How to approach this?
TIA

whoever would stay with us every week for a number of nights

Yes when I met my husband I knew his children stayed with him 3 nights a week and would continue to do so for a long time. I have absolutely no problem with that.

What I wouldn't expect to happen is for him to think he can now swan off during those times and leave them with me.

I've no problem with my DSC staying, none at all. I'd have a problem if their parents were always expecting them to be here in my care without their parent (save for genuine times when I was asked to help out for a short while).

That's very different to 'knowing they are stay a few nights a week'. Yes I know they stay with their Dad (and me as his wife), that doesn't mean they stay with me on my own a few nights a week. That's not what I signed up for thanks.

It's just the typical thing again of expecting step parents to be 'fully involved' when it suits the parents needs (typically for childcare or money).

Let's be honest, I don't know any children who'd prefer to spend the day with their step mother's Mum who they've never met than they would their own parents. So don't kid yourself it's for their benefit. They'd much rather be with their Mum or Dad I imagine.

As it always goes, no one wants step parents 'fully involved' in any of the nice parts of parenting, or anything that could be seen as stepping on toes. So don't discipline, back off, none of your business and on and on... Until it comes to childcare and money as is always the case 🙂 then it's all 'But you're a family!'. Yes we are, but it's not the same as a typical nuclear family, it just isn't. You can try and kid yourself that it is, buts it not.

@DrFoo

It's just the typical thing again of expecting step parents to be 'fully involved' when it suits the parents needs (typically for childcare or money).

Let's be honest, I don't know any children who'd prefer to spend the day with their step mother's Mum who they've never met than they would their own parents. So don't kid yourself it's for their benefit. They'd much rather be with their Mum or Dad I imagine.

As it always goes, no one wants step parents 'fully involved' in any of the nice parts of parenting, or anything that could be seen as stepping on toes. So don't discipline, back off, none of your business and on and on... Until it comes to childcare and money as is always the case 🙂 then it's all 'But you're a family!'. Yes we are, but it's not the same as a typical nuclear family, it just isn't. You can try and kid yourself that it is, buts it not.

I've never benefited financially from my ex dh and don't need childcare. Fortunately my own dh sees his role as full time and would never 'opt out' of the crappy aspects of parenting.

If you don't want to be a step parent, don't marry someone with children
How about “if you want to be a parent, don’t assume you can just dump your kids on any handy adult relative because they are “family” whether they like it or not”

@Youseethethingis

If you don't want to be a step parent, don't marry someone with children How about “if you want to be a parent, don’t assume you can just dump your kids on any handy adult relative because they are “family” whether they like it or not”

How sad that you would view a child's time with their Dad and his family as a 'child being dumped on them'

How sad that you would view a child's time with their Dad and his family as a 'child being dumped on them'

Jesus Christ are you a politician? Your ability to twist anything into this is unbelievable.

That is very obviously not what she said and it's this kind of obtuse response that keeps the argument going round and round in pointless circles

Of course your child's siblings will want to see their new brother or sister but they can not come until after your and your dp are home. You need to get into your mindset that this is their sibling, they are equal in your dp's eyes, will cause less issues later on if you do now. Your mum doesn't have to mind them but I think you need to all sit down (virtually) and discuss now because I see resentment in this post before your baby is even born, you have chosen to have a baby with someone who already had kids, the exw doesn't owe you a break

@aSofaNearYou

How sad that you would view a child's time with their Dad and his family as a 'child being dumped on them'

Jesus Christ are you a politician? Your ability to twist anything into this is unbelievable.

That is very obviously not what she said and it's this kind of obtuse response that keeps the argument going round and round in pointless circles

Nope. But I'm out, I find the attitude of people on here really sad/unpleasant and feel so sorry for dc who aren't fully welcomed into a parents new family.

Btw I just don't get the stepmom resentful attitude thing. My dp's dd calls me for a chat, sat chatting to me the last time she came rather than going to hug him - I chose to be with a man with kids so I treat them like mine and it's vice versa.

I wish dating sites had a warning about resentful stepparents on them!

Nope. But I'm out, I find the attitude of people on here really sad/unpleasant and feel so sorry for dc who aren't fully welcomed into a parents new family.

Hopefully you'll get through it.

How sad that you would view a child's time with their Dad and his family as a 'child being dumped on them'
If Dads not here and step mum is unwilling and unable to look after them and it’s mums time anyway (which is the scenario OP is talking about) then absolutely if would be a case of the mother dumping her kids.
Why aren’t they welcome in her home at this point? Why must she push them on to another woman? Awkward question, I know.
I’m so glad my DSDs ex is a normal, rational, compassionate human being that would never do this to me or DSD when I’d just given birth.

*DHs ex

@minniemomo

Btw I just don't get the stepmom resentful attitude thing. My dp's dd calls me for a chat, sat chatting to me the last time she came rather than going to hug him - I chose to be with a man with kids so I treat them like mine and it's vice versa.

I wish dating sites had a warning about resentful stepparents on them!

You just acknowledged that OPs DH needs to be there when they come and that OPs mum doesn't have to watch them, which was the entire point of this thread, so wtf was this comment necessary for?

I wish dating sites had a warning about extremely demanding, unempathetic and plain nasty parents who think those things are justified purely because of their kids, but hey ho 🤷‍♀️

I don't think ops mum should be expected to provide childcare. And surely the SC mum won't want to leave them with an adult she's never met! I'd think that was really odd tbh.

And where's the father in all this. A whole thread of op, ops mum and the SC mum mentioned but just the women apparently who have to sort the childcare.

How sad that you would view a child's time with their Dad and his family as a 'child being dumped on them'

But if he’s not there then the child is not spending time with their dad are they? They are being dumped on their stepmum and her mum.

You seem to think the child’s stepmum is an extension of their father parenting wise. She’s not.

How sad that you would view a child's time with their Dad and his family as a 'child being dumped on them'

Are you being purposefully obtuse?

No one is talking about a child's time with their Dad.

They are talking about children being left with OP (or more her mother who they have never met) when their Dad isn't around and the OP has just given birth.

It's also implied by OP that the children should be with their mother during this time.

So yes, that is 'dumping your kids' imo.

Why would anyone prefer their kids to be left with a woman they have literally never met before?

When my DS2 was stillborn last year, I was very seriously ill. I came within a few hours of death and/or the transplant register. I was in hospital for a week with my dead baby at my side.
I can only imagine the damage some of these entitled, ghastly mothers would have caused if they had been in the position of my DHs ex, demanding that contact take place as usual, leaving the kids at the doorstep etc.
As it happens, she was brilliant, took on the job of explaining to DSD that her brother was dead and I was in hospital, checking in on how I was doing, offering to keep DSD even after I was out of hospital because she was mindful of how ill I still was and what we had all been through.
You’d hope this would be standard decency but apparently it’s a real lottery.
I realise our case was extreme but she was also decent about things when DS1 was born the year before.

If their Dad is actually there (i.e. spending time with their Dad like you said) then I wouldn't have a problem.

The problem is expecting OP (or her mother) to 'suck it up' when neither of these children's parents are around and OP is trying to recover from birth and her Mum has never met them.

If their Dad is there then it's not a problem is it.

Im very sorry @Youseethethingis

Fortunately my DHs ex is the same, my DSC did actually come round pretty much as soon as we got home with baby DC, which I didn't mind, but she never would have expected me to have them alone just after giving birth (and neither would DH), never.

It works both ways too. She unfortunately lost a baby a couple of years ago and DSC stayed with us whilst she recovered. DH wouldn't have expected her partner to just 'suck it up' whilst she was in hospital and have them on his own because he's not a complete arsehole and he understands that he is his kids parent, not their Mums partner, you know?

DH wouldn't have expected her partner to just 'suck it up' whilst she was in hospital and have them on his own because he's not a complete arsehole and he understands that he is his kids parent, not their Mums partner, you know?
Shocking stuff. Those poor kids must have felt so pushed out, being looked after by their parent while their other parent was unavailable.

Do you not live with your partner? Or have you chosen not to be fully involved in each other's lives?
Do you apply the same 'rules' with your partners friends, family?
After all his siblings etc aren't you siblings are they? If they pop round, do you go out or have a long bath instead of spending time with them?

@Littlefluffyclouds13 what a bizarre post

If my partner's family come over then they are guests. His children aren't, this is their home. How awful of you to equate them to guests!

They would not come over when DP wasn't here, just like my family wouldn't come and visit when I wasn't.
If I already have plans then I don't cancel them if his mate drops by.

And thinking about the actual theme of the thread, I certainly don't expect my mum to come over and entertain them.

@Youseethethingis I am so sorry for your loss.

@minniemomo

Btw I just don't get the stepmom resentful attitude thing. My dp's dd calls me for a chat, sat chatting to me the last time she came rather than going to hug him - I chose to be with a man with kids so I treat them like mine and it's vice versa.

I wish dating sites had a warning about resentful stepparents on them!

I feel this is missing the point somewhat.

The thread is about the OP's mother who has never met the children not about the OP not wanting them around ...