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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Baby + Mom + Step Children

98 replies

Amanda87 · 24/04/2021 12:46

My mom will come to help with my baby when it's time. I wonder how much stress it'll be having to deal with all the changes, plus I know my DH's ex will send the kids here when it's not our time with them on purpose cause she's never given me a f(^( break.

My mom will probably not want to watch over kids that aren't mine. She's coming for HER Grandchild. I am a little anxious when that time comes and she has to stay home waiting for me to come back from the hospital with kids she's never seen(because she doesn't live in this country)... How to approach this?
TIA

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Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 19:40

@DrFoo

This woman has never even met these kids and she's heartless for not wanting to have some care of them? Okay... People are deluded on this board
I'd be full of compassion for children I'd only just met in these circumstances. A new baby is often tricky, particularly when it's a half sibling. Thank god my own dc have the loveliest of 'step' grans, she treated them like her own from the off and it made such a difference to them.
DrFoo · 25/04/2021 19:46

Bully for your DSCs 'step gran'.

Not everyone is comfortable just looking after kids they've never even met before straight away.

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 19:49

Full of compassion doesn't have to mean babysitter. I'm not sure why it has to be one or the other.

And seriously why have you assumed these children are being excluded and the only possible way to feel included is to be cared for by a woman they've never met before and their SM who's just had a baby and probably is just trying to recover.

My DSC were included when our DC was born, their Dad included them and I did when they were here with him. But I didn't and wouldn't have expected to have them on my own when my husband wasn't around. And thankfully their mother wouldn't either.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 19:51

@DrFoo

Bully for your DSCs 'step gran'.

Not everyone is comfortable just looking after kids they've never even met before straight away.

No, not everyone is but step parents can't just pick and choose when they spend time with their stepchildren. Millions of women have babies everyday and have to care for older dc, not everyone is lucky enough to have support.

As I said before, if you don't want to live as a family, with all the good and bad parts of family life, live apart from your partner and only see them when they're child free. Problem solved.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 19:53

@DrFoo

Full of compassion doesn't have to mean babysitter. I'm not sure why it has to be one or the other.

And seriously why have you assumed these children are being excluded and the only possible way to feel included is to be cared for by a woman they've never met before and their SM who's just had a baby and probably is just trying to recover.

My DSC were included when our DC was born, their Dad included them and I did when they were here with him. But I didn't and wouldn't have expected to have them on my own when my husband wasn't around. And thankfully their mother wouldn't either.

Because the suggestion is that if the Dad isn't there to care for them, then they shouldn't be there at all? Surely the label 'step mum' implies that you behave like a parent? It certainly does in my family, thank god!
Abbycrocker · 25/04/2021 20:16

So, OP will have JUST had a baby and people are expecting her and her mother (who hasn’t even met the DSC before) to care for the step children?! And some people think this is reasonable, What planet are you on?

FizzyApricot · 25/04/2021 20:16

that just illustrates that your family isn't at all blended.

It doesn't have to be fully "blended" to work

FizzyApricot · 25/04/2021 20:20

These children have a mother and if OPs birth happens on their mother's contact time there is no reason for her to suddenly switch contact and dump them on OPs mum. Why would you do that to your children it makes no sense

FizzyApricot · 25/04/2021 20:23

It's not in their best interest to go to the house with the screamy new born, the new dad and a OP who's hormones will be all over the place when their mum is due to have them instead.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 20:32

@FizzyApricot

It's not in their best interest to go to the house with the screamy new born, the new dad and a OP who's hormones will be all over the place when their mum is due to have them instead.
My own dd was there for exactly this, my ex and his partner and family were amazing at including her. She's an adult now but still remembers it vividly and very fondly.
Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 20:35

@Abbycrocker

So, OP will have JUST had a baby and people are expecting her and her mother (who hasn’t even met the DSC before) to care for the step children?! And some people think this is reasonable, What planet are you on?
Same one as you. Are you always so dramatic? We clearly just don't agree, no drama, this is a forum full of different opinions.
KylieKoKo · 25/04/2021 20:42

step parents can't just pick and choose when they spend time with their stepchildren
@Littlefluffyclouds13
Yes we can.

We can choose to go out with our friends during contact time or we can choose to go and curl up with a book / have a bath if we don't want to spend time with them on that day because they come to spend time with their parent.

And remember this thread is about the OPs mum not about the OP. Do you seriously think that the fact that my partner has children means that my mother is now obliged to provide care for them and not be able to "pick and choose" when to spend time with them? Because that is just plain bonkers.

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2021 20:47

Surely the label 'step mum' implies that you behave like a parent?
It certainly does in my family, thank god!

This is where you're going wrong. No it doesn't mean that. Thank god!

Sazmotron · 25/04/2021 20:49

There’s always one condescending prat on these threads (eye roll).

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 20:54

Love it! Another gem!
I don't agree with your ways = I'm a condescending prat.

I just don't agree with you, if you can't cope with discussing matters on a forum designed for debate, without resorting to such nonsense, you might need to rethink your social media habits Grin

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 20:55

Your eye roll was a bit rubbish too 🙄

Abbycrocker · 25/04/2021 21:06

Not dramatic no. Certainly not as dramatic as suggesting that someone is ‘heartless’ just because they don’t want to babysit someone else’s children they’ve never met.

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 21:49

I'd find it really irresponsible as a parent too, to leave your kids with someone they have never met like that. Even if you trust them simply because they are your partner's Mum, the kids still don't know her well enough (at all) to be left in her care in my opinion.

funinthesun19 · 25/04/2021 21:52

No, not everyone is but step parents can't just pick and choose when they spend time with their stepchildren.

Of course they can! When the children are supposed to be with their mother, the stepmum can rightfully choose whether she looks after the children if the mother asks or demands. It’s either a yes or a no. NO is just as acceptable as yes.

Youseethethingis · 26/04/2021 07:14

not everyone is lucky enough to have support
Haha this made me laugh - suggesting that a child’s parents are there as “support” for the person who should automatically be dumped with them. What a hoot Grin

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 26/04/2021 07:31

@KylieKoKo

step parents can't just pick and choose when they spend time with their stepchildren *@Littlefluffyclouds13* Yes we can.

We can choose to go out with our friends during contact time or we can choose to go and curl up with a book / have a bath if we don't want to spend time with them on that day because they come to spend time with their parent.

And remember this thread is about the OPs mum not about the OP. Do you seriously think that the fact that my partner has children means that my mother is now obliged to provide care for them and not be able to "pick and choose" when to spend time with them? Because that is just plain bonkers.

Do you not live with your partner? Or have you chosen not to be fully involved in each other's lives? Do you apply the same 'rules' with your partners friends, family? After all his siblings etc aren't you siblings are they? If they pop round, do you go out or have a long bath instead of spending time with them?
Youseethethingis · 26/04/2021 07:43

Do you apply the same 'rules' with your partners friends, family?
Step mothers, just like the rest of humanity, get to decide in whose company they would like to be. My brothers in law are not my brothers, my mother in law is not my mother and my step child (child in law if you like) is not my child, DHs friends are not my friends.

That’s not to say I don’t like seeing them, just that I wouldn’t be dropping my own plans/friends/family to spend time with them.

DrFoo · 26/04/2021 07:50

@Youseethethingis

Do you apply the same 'rules' with your partners friends, family? Step mothers, just like the rest of humanity, get to decide in whose company they would like to be. My brothers in law are not my brothers, my mother in law is not my mother and my step child (child in law if you like) is not my child, DHs friends are not my friends. That’s not to say I don’t like seeing them, just that I wouldn’t be dropping my own plans/friends/family to spend time with them.
Not sure what your point is about my husband's friends and family. If my husbands family or friends come over I also expect my husband to actually be there too, not just leave me (or my mother) to entertain them after just giving birth.

Was that supposed to be some sort of 'AH HA!' trump card or something?

I also don't feel any burning need to drop everything I'm doing to spend time with my BIL, for example, if he ever comes to visit. In the same way my husband will sometimes be there when my Mum comes round, sometimes he won't. No one has died from the shock yet. I think he'd be a bit Hmm at me expecting him to entertain my Mum or my friends if I wasn't even there.

DrFoo · 26/04/2021 07:50

Sorry quoted the wrong post!

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 26/04/2021 08:01

If I had married dh, knowing full well that his mum, friend, sibling, whoever would stay with us every week for a number of nights, for many years, then I would anticipate either fully embracing it or for me to say 'err no thanks, let's live separately'

It's different rules for children from what I'm reading on here.
You are a huge part of their lives, you are living in the home that they share with one of their parents.
It's crappy to just choose the bits of family life you like and then opt and do you own thing when it suits you.
If you don't want to be a step parent, don't marry someone with children.