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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Baby + Mom + Step Children

98 replies

Amanda87 · 24/04/2021 12:46

My mom will come to help with my baby when it's time. I wonder how much stress it'll be having to deal with all the changes, plus I know my DH's ex will send the kids here when it's not our time with them on purpose cause she's never given me a f(^( break.

My mom will probably not want to watch over kids that aren't mine. She's coming for HER Grandchild. I am a little anxious when that time comes and she has to stay home waiting for me to come back from the hospital with kids she's never seen(because she doesn't live in this country)... How to approach this?
TIA

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Aprilshowersandhail · 25/04/2021 10:23

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AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2021 10:32

How would you feel if your DC went for contact with their dad @Aprilshowersandhail and he wasn’t there so they were being looked after their step mum’s mum who they’d never met and their step mum was recovering from birth and not able to do much for them?

Would you accept as that’s what it means being a member of the family that or would you complain they were meant to be with their dad and it was unfair he had other places to be?

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2021 11:37

@Aprilshowersandrain Your poor husband.

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 12:40

Why would your Mum or you be looking after your DSC? They shouldn't be with you if their Dad isn't there surely?

If he is there then they come but he looks after them.

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 12:48

@Littlefluffyclouds13

Doesn't your mum want a relationship with your stepchildren? Life will be very complicated over the coming years if she doesn't!
She doesn't even live in the country so I don't think it's that shocking she doesn't have much of a relationship with her daughter's partners children.

She's never even met the kids, I think it's a bit much to expect her to look after them straight away when she doesn't even know them.

Regardless even of how the Mum feels, why would you want someone who's a stranger to your children looking after them? I wouldn't like it as a parent and I'm fairly sure my children wouldn't like it either.

Dad needs to be there when they are there.

Youseethethingis · 25/04/2021 12:57

How would you /they feel if they were dispensable guests at their df's /their second home? They aren't visitors - they should feel /be treated like they also live there?
I feel that my son is the responsibility of my DH and I.
I feel that doesn’t change, even if we split and had other partners.
I feel that if DH and I are not home then my young son can’t be home either unless we have arranged a willing and able adult to step in. Emphasis on willing and able.
I feel that doesn’t change if we split up and also doesn’t mean he’s homeless.

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 13:07

@Youseethethingis

How would you /they feel if they were dispensable guests at their df's /their second home? They aren't visitors - they should feel /be treated like they also live there? I feel that my son is the responsibility of my DH and I. I feel that doesn’t change, even if we split and had other partners. I feel that if DH and I are not home then my young son can’t be home either unless we have arranged a willing and able adult to step in. Emphasis on willing and able. I feel that doesn’t change if we split up and also doesn’t mean he’s homeless.
Agree completely.

In any other scenario parents would have to arrange and ask someone to care for their DC if they weren't around. I don't understand why that apparently changes when parents split up.

Apparently then you can just expect it of new partners and their family.

funinthesun19 · 25/04/2021 13:49

How would you /they feel if they were dispensable guests at their df's /their second home? They aren't visitors - they should feel /be treated like they also live there?

But if I was dumping my kids on their stepmum and her mum on days that I was supposed to be having them, or demanding that my children go round more just because their stepmum is on maternity leave, then of course there is a strong chance that my children would be unwelcome.

They’re not visitors, no. But ex also can’t just bring them round whenever she likes. It doesn’t work like that. If the op refuses to have them there on mum’s days then she’s not pushing them out, because they are the mum’s responsibility on them days.

Blacktothepink · 25/04/2021 14:28

Your husband looks after his children. End of.

MeridianB · 25/04/2021 14:51

@Littlefluffyclouds13

Doesn't your mum want a relationship with your stepchildren? Life will be very complicated over the coming years if she doesn't!
Ha ha ha ha. This is hilarious. Now the step mum’s parent is in the firing line.

Of course, when her child has just given birth to her grandchild she should divert her time and energy to children she doesn’t know because their parents can’t be bothered to be sensible. 🙄

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 18:03

@MeridianB
God isn't it hilarious?
Imagine getting involved with a man with children and not wanting to include them in your life, honestly I'm just chuckling now thinking about it Hmm

Varmerama · 25/04/2021 18:12

[quote Littlefluffyclouds13]@MeridianB
God isn't it hilarious?
Imagine getting involved with a man with children and not wanting to include them in your life, honestly I'm just chuckling now thinking about it Hmm[/quote]
I don’t think OP’s mother had a choice when it came to OP ‘getting involved with a man with children’?! Does that mean that she should have to include them in her life when she is there to help OP and new born?

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2021 18:25

[quote Littlefluffyclouds13]@MeridianB
God isn't it hilarious?
Imagine getting involved with a man with children and not wanting to include them in your life, honestly I'm just chuckling now thinking about it Hmm[/quote]
Her mother did no such thing though, did she.

Sceptre86 · 25/04/2021 18:34

Why no mention of your oh? Where is he in all of this? You've called out the ex but where is he? Would he be incapable if taking care of his own children? Could he not take the kids out to his own parents or out and about as the weather is getting nicer?

Your mother is not unreasonable in not wanting to cate for children she doesn't know as she has come from abroad to take care of you but that just illustrates that your family isn't at all blended.

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 18:42

that just illustrates that your family isn't at all blended

Tbf the fact OPs mother lives abroad doesn't make it all that easy to 'blend'.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 18:46

So are you a fully involved step mum or is it just your dh who provides all care when they are at your house?
If it's the former then it's not just your dh's responsibility to ensure your step child are well cared for when the new baby arrives.

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 18:50

Except it literally is her husband's responsibility and their mothers.

I care about my DSC and I treat them well when they are here. But it's not my responsibility to provide care for them in the sense that they can be here regularly without their Dad. It's not my responsibility to 'care for' them in that sense. If there Dad isn't here then they aren't here either (unless on the odd occasion where I've been asked to help out because their parents had to be somewhere else last minute). It absolutely is not OPs, or her mother's, responsibility to care for these children when their Dad isn't around especially just after giving birth.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 18:51

@Varmerama
I would expect anyone who isn't totally heartless, to show some degree of care towards two children who are adjusting to a new half sibling.
I certainly would go out of my way to be kind and caring and inclusive.

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 18:51

Unless you're happy for step parents to get equal say in everything else too? Or like always is it just the bits that benefit the parents (i.e. childcare and money are usually the typical ones) where they should be 'fully involved'?

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 18:52

[quote Littlefluffyclouds13]@Varmerama
I would expect anyone who isn't totally heartless, to show some degree of care towards two children who are adjusting to a new half sibling.
I certainly would go out of my way to be kind and caring and inclusive.[/quote]
They absolutely should be included. Their Dad who they are there to see should be including them. Not dumping them with OPs mother who they've never met.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/04/2021 18:55

I feel very sad for step mums because when my babies were born I wasn't expected to look after my own dc so I can't imagine being considered selfish for not looking after my husbands. I did ship my dc off for the night from their own home.

Varmerama · 25/04/2021 19:04

[quote Littlefluffyclouds13]@Varmerama
I would expect anyone who isn't totally heartless, to show some degree of care towards two children who are adjusting to a new half sibling.
I certainly would go out of my way to be kind and caring and inclusive.[/quote]
So it’s now considered heartless to not want to be forced into babysitting children that aren’t even related to you. Get real! If the SC are there, their DH should be there looking after them. Honestly, even if you would go out of your way to do it. would you just expect your mother to do it even if she didn’t want to? I doubt it.

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 19:20

This woman has never even met these kids and she's heartless for not wanting to have some care of them? Okay... People are deluded on this board

DrFoo · 25/04/2021 19:20

Sole*

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 19:38

So op has married a man with children but isn't expected to ever care for there unless he's there?
If that's the case then live separately, don't complicate things.
Then his dc get dad to themselves and when he's free to see you, there's no chance of you being expected to parent at all. Simple.

The people I know who have partners with children have either fully immersed themselves in family life or prefer to have a life that doesn't involve the children.