AIBU not cooking or washing anymore

[Shinesun14]

Me and DH have only been married and living together for 5 months. I have two dc (13 and 15) here most of the time bar eow. Dh has dss (8) who is here 40%.

Since he moved in his outgoings have gone down and we are 50/50 - I work ft as a social worker with a very high risk case load and dh has his own engineering business (both stressful jobs but different).

Dh parenting is a bit shit sometimes and he guilt parented. Dh understands that that's not actually the type of dad he wants to be and is working on it. However, I feel he has resentment towards me for picking this up after we married and projects onto my dc.

Dh has found it quite hard living with teenagers, they are emotionally healthy and adjusted teenagers with no attachment issues and both are doing well at school and have interests outside. Dss has a few challenges but is mostly well behaved like my dc are mostly well behaved.

My dh has started leaving more and more housework to me alongside cooking ect and has started being critical of me. I feel he's projecting as he isn't doing what he's supposed to be. He also has his own kitchen cupboard with his and his sons food in. This is because twice my dd (15) used the last of the Nutella and didn't tell him so dss couldn't have his spoonful of Nutella in his morning porridge. We are quite different in that I buy my dcs treat food like Nutella and when its gone its gone until I next do a big shop. Dh likes to be more organised than that. But I hate that he has a seperate cupboard just for him and dss, its divisive imo.

I also need to lose a stone so I've said from now on I'm not cooking for him or washing his clothes as its not appreciated. I've arranged another cupboard for my dcs food, they're more than capable of making basic meals for themselves and they were a bit about him and dss having a cupboard full of their food. I'm also not doing his washing anymore as he doesn't do his jobs around the house after we decided when he moved in who's doing what. He's now bought a washing basket for himself . He's not very happy with me and is saying I'm taking things too far and I'm unreasonable as he needs to know what food his dss has and needs his own cupboard to do that. I think if I can go back to only washing for 3 people and not cooking most days I'm on a winner. Why should I pick up his slack. He's now saying that he's not going to buy us a new family car since we're living so seperate and is saying he's also annoyed about paying 50/50 on bills (even though his outgoings decreased by almost 50% moving in with me).

So AIBU to continue the seperate theme, why can't my dc and me also have seperate cupboards? Or am I being petty?

@Shinesun14

I am minimising, and my dc do deserve a peaceful home.

I really do wish I had opened my eyes up more before marriage and living together.

What's important is the now and the future. Lesson learned.

@Shinesun14

I am minimising, and my dc do deserve a peaceful home.

I really do wish I had opened my eyes up more before marriage and living together.

Most people wouldn’t have seen what he was before the marriage

He wasn’t the same as he is now, was he?

This isn’t a YOU failure here, this was you being tricked

You won’t be the first in your profession to fall victim to a man like him, nor the last.

You point about comparison is very relevant

Please don’t blame yourself

You’re making the right decision

Have you spoken to your kids about it yet?

No he really wasn't the same, I knew he got annoyed quickly but he wasn't like that with me. For example, he could have had a hard day at work with lots of annoyances but would see me and would be happy to see me and his mood would lift. Now if he's had a hard day I annoy him to the point he gets angry. But I don't annoy him on purpose, I'm not a horrible person but he is when he gets angry. He says he hates being angry and hates the person he is when he gets like that. I really should have noted and not gone further in the relationship when he told me about his anger.

I've told my dc it's not working out and I'm sorry for how it must be feeling for them at the moment.

I’ve read your full thread op and think it’s for the best.
He’s just making you miserable.

It really wasn’t anything you did.

He hates the way he gets angry? But you’ve seen that he can control his anger, but now doesn’t, or worse manufactures it to keep you on tenterhooks.

I can list dozens and dozens of times when I should have ended it with my abusive ex.

Let me tell you, when they’ve racked up over 10 years, you feel literally the most monumentally stupid person in the world.

You’re going to avoid some of that. You’ve seen what it is and you’re ending it.

The impact on your kids is less, your recovery time will be less. The whole fallout will be less.

You’re doing the right thing.

I've just read your whole thread OP & wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you're very level headed in difficult circumstances. Best of luck for the future

Oh @Shinesun14.

Ok I have to say this. Based on the little you have shared with us, yes he sounds abusive. A few things.

1. You've done nothing wrong. From my understanding, it’s very common for abusers to increase their unhealthy behaviour post marriage/ child being born etc. Vs dating.
2. It sounds like there were red flags (him saying he had anger issues), which you didn’t pick up on. That’s ok, hindsight is a great thing. But what you will likely start doing is going back to think what red flags you missed. It’s very easily done in the first full flush of love.
3. A very common tactic of people like this is to make you think this is because of you. You language of ‘I annoy him’ is designed to make you start questioning your behaviour vs his. We all have long hard days at work and if we need to decompress, healthy adults simply say ‘I’ve had a rough day, could you give me 30 mins to chill. Sorry it’s not you, it’s me, I’m in a vile mood’. They take responsibility and accountability for their moods. Kind people don’t take their anger out on those around them. If he found you this annoying why did he move in and marry you? Now it could be that he’s finding the adjustment to blending hard - that’s not a crime. He may not be enjoying it, also not a crime. But he doesn’t need to be handling it the way he is.
4. I know you’re posted you’re leaving him and the reality won’t be easy. You’ve taken a huge leap of faith to remarry/ blend only (and this is probably what you’re thinking), for it to ‘fail’ so quickly. You maybe thinking what do I tell people, can’t I make this work? What can I do? (All very natural responses, I know I’d be having them). Asking him to move out is not a failure. You’re not happy and he’s clearly not happy (and is deeply unkind to boot). - this will be impacting everyone. The failure would be to keep living like this and putting yourself through the wringer to make it work. If he had the tools to work through this healthily, you would already have seen them. He doesn’t. What he has is emotional manipulation and a complete lack of empathy. Sounds like a very strong defensive reaction (that is deeply unhealthy).

My advice is to focus on that first step. Get him out. Are you getting any support in RL? Counselling etc?

He is beyond a cunt op...
Enjoy your stress free new life...

Well done OP for putting you and your children first. Again, yes he is abusive, no, this is not normal, yes, you deserve better (and I think you know it).

It’s such a shit situation to be in but trust me, you will look back to this point in your life sometime when you are settled in the near future and thank yourself for being so smart and dodging such a loaded bullet!

This is not your fault, Shine. Women are not rehab centres for men.

MzHz speaks sense, your kids will get through this and be far better than off than if you stayed with him.

He needs to own his issues and work on them but he doesn't, he just takes it out on you all.

You don't deserve this.

I’m sending a ton of admiration your way, @Shinesun14

All power to you for exiting this situation.

What rings through is your aversion to being a doormat. And I can tell you’ve raised your girls in the same way.

I hope you speak openly to your girls about your vulnerability, feelings, values and choices right now. I have done the same to my teenage daughters. I’ve spoken plainly to mine about my decision to not move in with my DP. No man is worth jeapordizing peace and sanctity of your home.

Blending is full of incredible complexity and loss that few are cut out for. My own appraisal of it (and I’ve not even done it) is that it requires immense maturity.

For women, it creates big ole gender trap. I would say most parents walk in blind and find it immensely challenging. In a sense more naive than when we got married first time round (if that’s possible - ha!).

You’ve dodged a massive bullet and your kids will no doubt be proud of you in the long run for protecting yours and their emotional space.

Enjoy the road ahead with your dc

@LatentPhase great post. Really thought provoking. I too have had a very open convo with my DC about why I split with my exp and why it didn’t work. Essentially stating that the complexities of trying to Blend with someone who had such a high conflict exwife would have meant our lives continue to be impacted by her behaviour. And equally by his behaviour - as his frustrations / pain at the situation continued to be feelings we (mainly i) had to live with.

It’s good to teach children (I think) that walking away from a relationship that doesn’t work / make you happy is a position of strength. Not of failure.

Latent - I found your comment re maturity really interesting. I don’t know if it’s maturity that requires blending to work (I am quite mature even if I do say so myself 😬). I think it requires deep emotional reserves, huge amounts of empathy and a consistent ability to Teflon up and not take anything personally. It requires someone very strong of mind, deeply secure in themselves. Is that maturity? I don’t know.

For me? I just want a quiet and peaceful life. Walking away from someone I love has not been easy (at all). But ultimately I’m probably a little too selfish re my personal happiness and that of my children. Is that maturity?

Hell yeah that’s maturity! Knowing that our happiness and the level of drama in our lives is under our control. Knowing that other people’s emotional messes are not ours for the taking. Knowing our worth and the value of peace and not inviting drama into our life and your home and around your children. If that isn’t maturity, I totally dunno what is.

Do you honestly feel that he is abusive? What if I'm honestly too sensitive? I'm not saying this to go oh poor me, I really am wondering if I'm too soft? But then if I am just soft and he isn't abusive it doesn't work anyway does it.
@Shinesun14 I have only just read this thread and have read through it in full.
I just want to say to you you are NOT too sensitive & he ABSOLUTELY IS abusive.
In fact he sounds just like my exh & I could literally see myself in you when reading your posts. Do you realise how many times you mentioned the words apology & apologize in relation to yourself? This is the classic MO of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) - they love bomb you. Then gradually they start to pick you and your actions apart, placing themselves as victim & you are the awful mean person who doesn't understand their woes. Then, when you've eventually decided enough is enough they promise to change to keep you onside but they never do & you end up doubting your sanity, your sensitivity, your kindness levels - you end up doubting everything about yourself & apologising for your mere existence!
The hardest thing about NPD is that by it's very nature the person in question believes they are perfect & right & so they are the very last people to realise they need help. In their heads their woes are always somebody else's fault & if only everyone else behaved as they wanted them to then life would be fine!
Also - your dss is not a cause of any of this - he's the excuse. And if it wasn't dss your h would find some other reason why YOU are making his life terrible.
I know all this feels personal at the moment but trust me it's not. This really is him & not you.
Actually I'll correct that and say some of it is you & I mean that positively. It's you because you don't just lie down & take it. Despite how he has tied you up in knots you are strong enough to 'fight' back & believe me that is the one thing above all else that narcissists cannot deal with.
You really are best off out of this & your dc will forever thank you.
My exh is a better exh than he ever was h. He still displays a lot of the above traits but was never so controlling with the dc as he was with me & I've taught them the skills to navigate such traits & they all have a good relationship with him albeit being very aware of his personality 'quirks'.

His dw also seems perfectly happy to be a 50's housewife (I honestly don't mean that in a horrible way) & so their dynamic, though very old fashioned seems to work ok for them & their house is calm enough when my dc are there.
However, it's not a dynamic I could have stomached for any longer than I did & the more I pushed back against his need to have everything his way the more control he tried to exert.
I don't think my exh is a bad person & we have a good, civil relationship now but he is someone who can behave badly (he REALLY could have done with some therapy) & he is not someone I would ever want to be with & I really am thankful that I'm out of that situation. I had spent YEARS believing myself to be highly strung, hard work, unreasonable etc. because I had been told it for so long. I can distinctly remember being hit with the realisation (about 6 months post separation) that I am actually a naturally happy, confident, open minded, good humoured person, but I had lost all of that in a very destructive relationship.
Life as a single parent is not always easy but I am soooooo much happier now than I was back then, as are my dc.
This will feel hard for you, but trust me, it will not feel hard forever.