AIBU not cooking or washing anymore

[Shinesun14]

Me and DH have only been married and living together for 5 months. I have two dc (13 and 15) here most of the time bar eow. Dh has dss (8) who is here 40%.

Since he moved in his outgoings have gone down and we are 50/50 - I work ft as a social worker with a very high risk case load and dh has his own engineering business (both stressful jobs but different).

Dh parenting is a bit shit sometimes and he guilt parented. Dh understands that that's not actually the type of dad he wants to be and is working on it. However, I feel he has resentment towards me for picking this up after we married and projects onto my dc.

Dh has found it quite hard living with teenagers, they are emotionally healthy and adjusted teenagers with no attachment issues and both are doing well at school and have interests outside. Dss has a few challenges but is mostly well behaved like my dc are mostly well behaved.

My dh has started leaving more and more housework to me alongside cooking ect and has started being critical of me. I feel he's projecting as he isn't doing what he's supposed to be. He also has his own kitchen cupboard with his and his sons food in. This is because twice my dd (15) used the last of the Nutella and didn't tell him so dss couldn't have his spoonful of Nutella in his morning porridge. We are quite different in that I buy my dcs treat food like Nutella and when its gone its gone until I next do a big shop. Dh likes to be more organised than that. But I hate that he has a seperate cupboard just for him and dss, its divisive imo.

I also need to lose a stone so I've said from now on I'm not cooking for him or washing his clothes as its not appreciated. I've arranged another cupboard for my dcs food, they're more than capable of making basic meals for themselves and they were a bit about him and dss having a cupboard full of their food. I'm also not doing his washing anymore as he doesn't do his jobs around the house after we decided when he moved in who's doing what. He's now bought a washing basket for himself . He's not very happy with me and is saying I'm taking things too far and I'm unreasonable as he needs to know what food his dss has and needs his own cupboard to do that. I think if I can go back to only washing for 3 people and not cooking most days I'm on a winner. Why should I pick up his slack. He's now saying that he's not going to buy us a new family car since we're living so seperate and is saying he's also annoyed about paying 50/50 on bills (even though his outgoings decreased by almost 50% moving in with me).

So AIBU to continue the seperate theme, why can't my dc and me also have seperate cupboards? Or am I being petty?

Thank you all for replying. I'll try to address the majority of the points.

@Tiredoftattler I don't feel that I'm saving a particularly large amount of money by 50/50 ing. I was spending a lot more money on food then previously. We tried going half's on the food shop but he forgot regularly to pay me back. Or when I asked to be paid back he'd point other things out that he'd spent money on and make out I was unreasonable to ask, then it got to being my fault for not reminding him. I then started hello fresh and paid for and cooked 4 meals out of the week leaving him responsible for the other 3. That didn't work either as he still felt he was spending too much on top up shops. Then I was paying for hello fresh and doing one to two big shops but again this didn't work for him. We then said we'd start having a few easier evening meals and do meal planning - that didn't happen either so now I'm shopping for me and my dc and vice versa. Before moving in I didnt cook every night, I usually made a daal for two nights of the week and veggie chilli/curry for another two and the other nights dc either wouldn't be at home or would have freezer food. They both had school dinners, I had a hot meal in work so my shopping bill wasn't a lot. It has gone up significantly and I can see how its gone up for dh too so this way seems to be the only way its fair.

I agree that we still have autonomy when married. I think we've both struggled with buying things for outer dc and not the other and feeling a bit resentful about it. A good example is over Xmas dh was going to buy dss the new xbox, I had already made a deal with my ds that he skipped a large Xmas present, his previous birthday present and was going to get the ps5 for his birthday. As dh was going to get dss the new xbox I talked to him about it and said I was going to get ds his ps5 early as I felt ds could have felt jealous, dh changed his mind and said he thought it was ridiculous to get dss the new xbox when his xbox was perfectly fine and so I didnt get ds ps5 and spent money on other things. Dh then changed his mind and tried to get dss the xbox but as it was sold out couldn't get it and bought other presents. He then told dss he's owed this new xbox and has been trying to get one since. Dh is saying I've made him feel bad about this and he can buy his son whatever he likes when he likes, ok fair enough, but then seemed to get annoyed when I bought my dc new spring/summer clothes. My ds also asked for a gaming pc instead of ps5 for birthday if he does extra chores, which I've agreed too, and then when dss found out he asked his dad for a gaming pc and his dad said yes. Ds felt this was unfair but I explained to ds that other people can buy their dc whatever they like whenever they like but I only have x amount of spare money and delayed gratification is a very good life skill. Dh has since changed his mind on the gaming pc. So I guess I am U sometimes as I did think it was unfair on my ds too - although didnt vocalise this to ds.

@sassbott we definitely have dysfunctional communication. I completely hear what you and others are saying about the red flags, I don't believe dh is choosing to be like this, I think he's struggling with the difference in our parenting as mine is showing his up, he's feeling resentful about that and his defensive are raised which leads him to be a knob. My defensive are also raised high (as each argument he threatens to leave - I've now called his bluff and he's said he does it to get through to me as I have blinkers on) and we're both now in this dysfunctional communication pattern. Add in he freely admits he was spoiled as a child and seems to have a 1950s attitude developing its all getting very messy.

@TheTeenageYears I hear you, I think this could be a problem!

@FishyFriday if counselling doesn't work and I'm the bad one then he can bugger off and be free of me!

I had no issue when we divided up our jobs on who did what and my load was more, but dh has never kept to his side of that deal. He told me last night that his job is more stressful and physical so thats why he doesn't do his jobs. I work longer hours and have a very stressful caseload. I work longer hours than him and my stress is different, he wouldn't accept this last night and said its my fault for choosing the job that I do.
Men who will just bullshit any excuse they can think of for why are they too special to have to pull their weight at home are so exhausting. He knew what your job was. So he was cold lying to you when you split the chores so he could move in? I’d ask him that and say if so it was a mistake, and he should move back out again. You hadnt realised he was lying to you on this and what else is he lying to you about? (He’s just selfish and lazy and making up any reason but don’t let him get away with the shit excuses he’s pulling out- push back on them all)

Realistically, if he’s not going to pull his weight you can’t make it work and there’s no point trying. If he is going to pull his weight you both need to be able to communicate better re presents for the kids etc, mainly him but both of you there. Counselling should help with that. It can’t make him less selfish though.

@Shinesun14 it's more that it's totally horrific to have to go through that experience of counselling. It's never going to be easy. But it's much worse when you realise your partner is determined to make you the villain and is playing a role.

I think you both need to let this go now otherwise you are doomed. Being organised with spare Nutella is a small price to pay for domestic harmony. I think a proper chore rota is a good idea that is based on who is best suited eg my dp doesn't cook but does 100% of vacuuming and is in charge of bins etc

@FishyFriday this sounds EXHAUSTING!

He’s quibbling with you about the cost of food? And yet he wants you to cover the cost of a large ‘flash’ family car that he is happy to drive?

And now he’s threatening to leave you? So he gets a reaction? Yup - you’re full blown dysfunction.

When you say you don’t think he means to be this way? If that’s the case? Has he apologised for his behaviour? Said he is ashamed for how he is showing up? Allowing himself to be provoked? Has he said he wants to be better? To not say the things he says when feeling defensive?

Vs telling you ‘have blinkers on’ and you ‘are biting’?

That’s what I mean when I say look at the person in front of you and what he’s saying. We are all works in progress. We can all behave unhealthily. The difference between a narcissist/ bully and not one of those. Is the former shifts responsibility / blame elsewhere. The latter owns their problems and does not ‘blame’ anyone else.

Try and be super clear about what is happening.

It does sound exhausting.

The food. The crap about presents for the kids. Everything. It's no way to live OP.

His remarks sound like classic projection to me - OP obviously is playing a part in this dynamic but is at least trying to examine it and work out what’s happening! He says “you’re biting” - but he was biting at that remark. He says you have blinkers on - but he sounds a lot more blinkered than OP who is quite open about what the issues are.

For clarity our divided chores were:

I do all the washing, polishing, changing beds and bathroom.

Dh to do the vacuuming x3 a week and mop when needed. Dh to also clean fridge out.

Me, him, dd and ds to take turns washing up each night, dss to wipe the table. Whoever washes up takes the bin bag and recycling out.

My dc change their own beds, clean their rooms and dd now washes her own clothes.

Dh has not mopped once in the 5/6 months we've lived together. He's never managed to vacuum 3x a week and has done the fridge a couple of times. He also hates dss wiping the table (but when we made our division of chores talked up a good game about dss doing a chore as mine already did chores). We used to cook together every night but now don't, I ended up doing more but I didnt mind so much before he started being a knob and now obvs I'm on strike for that.

I like the advice about looking at the person in front of me rather than who I thought he was. I do need to evaluate and examine if this is going to work as I am exhausted by it. Dh does not see my point at all and talking to him seems fruitless as it leads to arguing. The only time we can ever talk without arguing is when I use my work communication skills and he talks, but I don't get the same chance to talk back which leads to more resentment on my part.

Argh - two more examples thats happened today. I really think this is over tbh.

My fault - We went out for food. Dss was being rude to dh, he kept pushing his luck and dh got a bit stroppy. Tbf to him he did discipline dss but dss kept pushing it. I asked dh for something and he didn't respond so I joked and said don't get pissy with me too - obviously poor taste but I was trying to lighten the mood. Dh told me off about it like I was a child when we were alone even though I apologised straight away but I get that it was annoying.

This one I don't think is my fault. Now dh is doing his and dss washing this has really annoyed me. Dss got out the shower and dh told him as he's only worn his joggers and top for a few hours they didn't need to go in the wash.. yet I've been doing the washing for the last 5 months and have complained countless times about the amount of clothes dss goes through, he even told us once that instead of putting away clean clothes he puts them back in the dirty washing basket, think 4/5 pairs of joggers, same amount of jumpers for a Friday to Monday weekend. I had a shower and went into the kitchen, I said to dh that I may need to get a grip but I feel really annoyed and please don't get defensive but the above has irrationally annoyed me. He said its by the by now blabla and said its not been done maliciously. I said I know its not been done maliciously but I had a white hot feeling of rage in my belly when I heard that and felt very taken for granted. Dh said its never been mentioned before and I said it has and pointed out times I've brought it to his attention. He said I've got to get a grip and when I walked away from it and into the living room continued by saying - well done, look what you've done tonight, I've now got to go to bed awkward again. I shouted back (yes I know I shouldn't have shouted) that its not me who's ruined it and walked outside for a fag. He shouted after me about shouting when the dc could hear and that our relationship is worrying. I've had a fag and come back up and said let's just draw a line in the sand and move on, he's said no, that he's fed up of me and my moods and that im horrible.. I've just walked away and got into bed.

I'm fuming now, he's been a pissy prick all day since our meal out until about an hour ago when we watched a documentary and chilled. Like I can see I'm not perfect, it's not all him but we obviously don't work and he is responsible for that too. When I annoyed him I apologised, when he brought it up I apologised again although when he went on like he's my dad I did tell him I'm not your child to tell off. He even said more more thing and continued more earlier and I just shut up as I knew I was in the wrong. But yet I'm the horrible one? The joke is we decided earlier to get a cleaner to stop these arguments.

I hope you’re not paying for a cleaner to do his share of the chores!! A cleaner won’t do them all. They won’t gather up the washing around the house, wash fold and put them away. There will still be ‘his’ chores to do and he thinks his better than you. A cleaner is wallpapering over the cracks but they are still there. And if you are contributing to pay for the cleaner it’s also you being an absolute doormat. As is paying the new car running costs if they are higher.

OP, have him pay for a cleaner to come in to do laundry for him and his son as well as the specific chores that he agreed to do. If he pays for these services out of his discretionary income and still provide his share of the household expenses then your stressors are reduced and financially his household contribution remains unchanged.

You can both agree that your jobs are equally stressful but in very different ways. There is no prize or award for having the more or most stressful job, and it is essentially a meaningless argument.

As for the "family car", given that he would be paying the lions share( full purchase price) and you are satisfied with your status quo, remind him that he can easily afford a part-time cleaner to do his chores and laundry for him and his son with the savings that he will have from not needing to purchase yet another vehicle.

If the real source of the problem is that neither of you are finding much pleasure in being married to the other then it might be likely that separate cupboards and unfinished chores are just a smoke screen for everyday buyers remorse.

Counseling will help you determine the root cause of your seemingly mutual unhappiness.

It sounds like your DH is an immature prick. Can’t take an apology. Tells you off like a child (such superiority). Wont pay attention to what you say about the chores. Didn’t listen to what you said about dss producing loads of washing. But when it impacts his workload woah, it’s different.

Sounds like he just wants his wife to be a walking household appliance. And a quiet one at that.

I hope you can make plans to leave this arrangement.

The cleaner ( I know her already as I use her for deep cleans in work) is/was going to do the vacuuming, polishing, changing beds, kitchen and bathroom once a week. We're both doing our own and our ds's washing, our own cooking and staying with the washing up rota.

I'm now completely rethinking our relationship, I feel like my peace is worth more. Why is he allowed to express his annoyance at me but I can't do the same - and I did it in a much lighter tone. He didn't and when I explained why I'm annoyed he made it personal by saying that im horrible. He makes it personal in every argument to 'win' the argument. I am not going to be treated like this anymore.

I don't know if I would bother trying with the counsellor and switching chores about, getting a cleaner etc. He was managing before you married in his spotless flat and organised Nutella buying. Maybe that's better for him and you are better off with your own home, routines and kids. You tried living together and it didn't work out.

Simply said, it doesn't sound like a fun home to grow up in.

You and your kids deserve more.

I feel worn out just reading your posts @Shinesun14, what it must be like to live it I don’t even want to imagine
So many things which are actually so straightforward to organise if everyone could get on board have been turned into death by a thousand cuts for your marriage.
Maybe this can be fixed but i would certainly start to prepare for the end.

He won't change. You're clear on your own faults and you seem to own it when you're wrong. He can't/won't do that.

You and your kids are better off without him. Get rid quickly before he spoils 2021 anymore!

OP , there is more similarity between you and your husband than you are willing to recognize or acknowledge. You have freely said to him your thoughts on the current situation. You view your statements as being lightly said, but clearly they are not being experienced that way. He responds by openly calling you horrible. You in turn while not calling him horrible to his face essentially call him out as horrible to an audience of strangers.

Ultimately, you each seem to share the same picture of the other. He likely thinks that he gave up his personal space to.move into a home where he pays his own way but he and his son cannot have even a dedicated cupboard or a personal jar of nutella. Nothing in this new living environment is uniquely theirs. He may think that while not having any space or items of his own, the family happily views him as the new ATM or the provider of extra treats( more nutella and a newer and nicer vehicle.
From your vantage point, he does not embrace your view of resources becoming shared family commodities, and he does not validate professional stressors.

What is glaringly absent is an indication of anything warm or positive that you each add to the other's life. If you are fairly assessing you new life and it is totally without any positives than there is little likelihood that even counseling will help the 2 of you.

I’m going to repeat my advice.

Look at the behaviour in front of you and the person who is showing up. That’s it.
Then look at how that person is making you feel and whether you can work with what they’re giving you/ how they’re showing up.

I have to say (based on obviously only getting your side of all of this), it doesn’t sound positive for you.

• The upfront agreement you made re cleaning and him not pulling his weight? Not acceptable. And if wasn’t something he wanted to sign up to, then he should have said so at the time. You don’t get to enter an agreement and unilaterally decide you’re not doing your side of it. That actually is intensely damaging as it starts to undermine the core basis of a relationship - trust and respect.

You trusted that he would do his side and by not doing so, it is disrespectful to you as his partner. He’s also further undermining this trust and respect by (essentially) not being fully supportive of your career/ its stressors.

Then when you try and resolve these issues: he’s not communicating with you. Not healthily anyways. Equally you’re being provoked / equally not communicating from a good place.

Essentially teething issues always happen and they should be expected. But the best way people in these situations make it through is by being the number one team together - the two adults being the priority team. Within that team. The two separate families (each of you with your children) operate and carve out 121 time, resources etc.

You are not the main team. He is in his camp with his kid. You’re in your camp with your kids (and frankly you’ve removed the team element you were bringing to the table because he hasn’t upheld his side of the bargain).

Unless he has a massive ephiphany/ reset, I’m not entirely sure you’re going to be able to work with what he’s giving you.

He sounds very angry/ resentful. Either he wanted an easy life and he’s not getting it. Or he’s just not happy. But I agree - this sounds like an awful home environment for everyone.

Hire a cleaner. Or a house keeper to include the washing and ironing.

If he was only at his place once a month then he only needed to clean about 4 times a year and when he came to yours he thought you would continue keeping the place clean and tidy and keep cooking.

it's not fun any more

That's really all you need to say, isn't it.

Good luck with getting rid. The shorter the marriage the better if you brought more assets into the marriage.

If he’s unhappy - he needs to voice why and what he wants. Not verbally pummel you and threaten to divorce you/ leave. Someone threatened to leave or divorce me? The first one is for free. The second one? They will be shown the door. It’s not what kind/ loving / respectful people talk to someone.

Second of all - (and again I say this only seeing your side), but this has the hallmarks of early levels of gaslighting/ verbal abuse. Personal attack? Tick. Attacking you to get you on the back foot/ stop you? Tick. Denigrating your career? Tick. Even elements of the food/ not paying you the money all smacks of control and trying to get the upper hand.

Bluntly all of this sounds about control and from a fairly aggressive / old school place of masculinity.

It’s not unusual for this sort of behaviour to show up post marriage/ post the first child arriving.

So my advice? Absolutely look at yourself/ your behaviour. But don’t twist yourself into knots and question whether it’s you / what you’re saying.
Doing so can be the insidious side of people like this - they want you to question yourself so that they can get the upper hand. It’s horrible.

Whatever happens. This sounds very unhealthy. You need to put a stop to your side of the unhealthy engagement. Withdraw. Take the heat out of it all. And then watch his behaviour.

The cleaner ( I know her already as I use her for deep cleans in work) is/was going to do the vacuuming, polishing, changing beds, kitchen and bathroom once a week. We're both doing our own and our ds's washing, our own cooking and staying with the washing up rota.

Who's paying for a cleaner to enable him to skive out of his fair share of the work? Let me guess: 50/50.

I'm now completely rethinking our relationship, I feel like my peace is worth more.

It's concerning in all these posts it's all about him, DSS and you. What about the peace of your children in their own home? Being around a pissy man who strops and expects you to slave around? Having him take over cupboards like a bloody uni flatmate?

A walk on eggshells environment is bloody awful. Your kids need to come first ahead of hanging onto this relationship with a man who's shown you his true colours after he got his feet under your table. The effect of all this on them shouldn't be underestimated.