AIBU not cooking or washing anymore

[Shinesun14]

Me and DH have only been married and living together for 5 months. I have two dc (13 and 15) here most of the time bar eow. Dh has dss (8) who is here 40%.

Since he moved in his outgoings have gone down and we are 50/50 - I work ft as a social worker with a very high risk case load and dh has his own engineering business (both stressful jobs but different).

Dh parenting is a bit shit sometimes and he guilt parented. Dh understands that that's not actually the type of dad he wants to be and is working on it. However, I feel he has resentment towards me for picking this up after we married and projects onto my dc.

Dh has found it quite hard living with teenagers, they are emotionally healthy and adjusted teenagers with no attachment issues and both are doing well at school and have interests outside. Dss has a few challenges but is mostly well behaved like my dc are mostly well behaved.

My dh has started leaving more and more housework to me alongside cooking ect and has started being critical of me. I feel he's projecting as he isn't doing what he's supposed to be. He also has his own kitchen cupboard with his and his sons food in. This is because twice my dd (15) used the last of the Nutella and didn't tell him so dss couldn't have his spoonful of Nutella in his morning porridge. We are quite different in that I buy my dcs treat food like Nutella and when its gone its gone until I next do a big shop. Dh likes to be more organised than that. But I hate that he has a seperate cupboard just for him and dss, its divisive imo.

I also need to lose a stone so I've said from now on I'm not cooking for him or washing his clothes as its not appreciated. I've arranged another cupboard for my dcs food, they're more than capable of making basic meals for themselves and they were a bit about him and dss having a cupboard full of their food. I'm also not doing his washing anymore as he doesn't do his jobs around the house after we decided when he moved in who's doing what. He's now bought a washing basket for himself . He's not very happy with me and is saying I'm taking things too far and I'm unreasonable as he needs to know what food his dss has and needs his own cupboard to do that. I think if I can go back to only washing for 3 people and not cooking most days I'm on a winner. Why should I pick up his slack. He's now saying that he's not going to buy us a new family car since we're living so seperate and is saying he's also annoyed about paying 50/50 on bills (even though his outgoings decreased by almost 50% moving in with me).

So AIBU to continue the seperate theme, why can't my dc and me also have seperate cupboards? Or am I being petty?

@osbertthesyrianhamster - my dc are pretty oblivious to it all. They're both busy with - basketball/ martial arts, bmxing and mountain biking and when they're home ds is usually out round the corner practicing basketball and dd is chatting with friends online, they also both hang out in their rooms rather than with us. If I felt my dc were being hurt or damaged then I'd be gone. Imagine being a sw and having the reports coming through the front of house team

Ds struggles with dss, dss wants to be involved in everything ds does as he absolutely idealises him. Ds struggles with saying no when dss wants to play with him when ds would rather be practicing basketball. Dss also irritates him in other ways and when ds reacts he's then the bad guy in dh eyes. I am however, on the absolute ball with this and nip any form of this in the bud so ds doesn't get wound up and gets to go out without feeling bad. That's not to say my ds is an angel either, he dared dss to break his golf club at crazy golf Saturday and hasn't got the level of humour vs rudeness to dss quite right yet. Ds is having to learn how to navigate being around a younger person in the house, that is an added stressor in his life but he isn't being impacted too much and it is teaching him to grow up.

I'm happy to go 50/50 on the cleaner, it will be my jobs too she'll be doing and having that off of me will be amazing.

@Tiredoftattler I keep forgetting to respond to the car points in your posts. I don't care about having a new car off of him, he's now going to trade in his work van and buy one of those American truck/car/van where its flat at the back. It will also have 5 seats so we can go places in that so he's not embarrassed and he can pick up the running costs. I really don't care if thats fair or not, I'm not being beholden to him over a car. When my car finally dies I will get my own nice car with cheaper running costs then the cars he's been on about buying.

I do hear you about us being similar, we are similar in lots of ways and I'm not denying my part in creating the toxic element thats crept into our relationship.

@sassbott thank you again for your advice. I am going to withdraw and not get drawn into, or start, these stupid arguments anymore. I do believe its got toxic and he is trying to control - ie threatening to leave is massively controlling - but I do this morning, think we can work it out. I am going to get marriage counselling for us, I think going through what our family framework will be moving forwards with a neutral third party will be helpful. If however, it doesn't work and it continues or escalates I'm leaving. I was really happy single before we met, and I felt he added to mine and dcs lives, if we continue our toxic crap then it's taking away from myself and dc and will not stick around as life is too short.

Your sound like your flat mates, he buys for him and his DS and does there washing. You deal with your DC etc. Not much of a partnership at all. I hope you have protected any assets you brought to the marriage as this is sounding like he has gained alot from getting married,,,whilst you not so much

@Shinesun14 Good for you.

Sounds like you can see the wood for the trees and counselling is a great place to start. Make a promise to yourself til then that you will not allow yourself to be provoked/ pulled into arguments. Don’t bite. And see if he responds accordingly to your attempts at harmony/ de-escalation.

If he doesn’t. Then you’ll know this is more him than anything.
Yes threatening to leave is a very primitive nasty attempt to assert control. It’s also an incredibly immature defense mecanism deployed by deeply insecure people. Secure mature people don’t say/ act this way.

So why he thinks this sort of behaviour is acceptable (despite the issues), is where I would be wanting answers. Where has he witnessed/ normalised this behaviour?

@sassbott I didnt think about that way but actually you're right. I really will not be drawn into fights or arguments and make that conscious effort.

I also think his issues are deep insecurities that were hidden before. He did tell me he was quite insecure and his confidence was bullshit - but I didn't really understand that this is what it would mean to me. I'm not sure why, he's successful, very good looking, good friends ect but now you've pointed out insecurities I can see it in lots of things, he really cares about what others think of him - this is why he hates my car ect and has to have name brand everything.

He sounds unpleasant: so his job is too stressful for him to Hoover but if your job is stressful it's your fault for choosing that job?

I'm afraid counselling will be a waste of time- he's deeply misogynistic and selfish. He hid it to get his feet under the table but there's no going back now.

Here you go OP, forward him this link about least and most stressful jobs

haptivate.co.uk/blog/is-your-job-one-of-the-most-or-least-stressful-in-the-uk/

I don't understand why so many people think it is a communication issue. He is clearly communicating that he is a selfish lazy knob

Well I took the advice to not get drawn into or start anything.

Monday was fine, he took my dd out for a bike ride and I went and played basketball with my ds.

Tuesday we to the gym for our PT session. He did have a bone to pick with me after, I calmly explained my side, he said I was wrong so I said OK. He asked me if I had anymore to say as I only said OK and I said no, you've said I'm wrong about this so OK I hear what you're saying and we didn't argue.

Tonight! Tonight I'm still awake and having a cup of tea before I try going back to bed again to sleep. It all started well. Dd and ds washed made their food and washed their dishes, I came in late from getting my eyebrows done and dh and dss plates were on the side but I said nothing, I made my food and washed up and sat on the sofa with DH. Dss was in ds room playing all evening. Dh read his magazine while I mumsnetted.

Now to validate myself quickly I have done around 45 mins of cleaning today whilst on the phone. Making beds, cleaning the bathroom, picking up crap left around ect.

Dh put his washing on, got dss in the shower and went into the kitchen to wash his and dss plates up. He came out the kitchen annoyed because the draining board was full and their were 3 tins out for recycling and the bin bag hadn't been taken down. I said OK we need to make a plan about keeping on top of that and took the bin and recycling out. Dh proceeded to clean the kitchen sides ect. During this time he also moaned about a hello fresh recipe card on the kitchen side (just keep in mind that he chucked two pieces of a4 paper on the floor Sunday, said he would pick them up but still hadn't by this point). I apologised and said sorry dd put it there as it was in their cupboard. Also the kitchen did not need a clean, it wasn't any different then yesterday.

Dh then found out there were no sandwhich bags left. He's the only person who uses them so no one else would have known or used them. I could tell he was getting stressed by this point (he had also had a stressful day) and offered to go to the shop - he said no he'd do it but thanks. I went and got in the shower and went in dds room after to see what she'd been upto in animal crossing. Dh has now come back and is making sandwiches for him and dss, started again at me about the sink having sweetcorn in. I was with dd at the time and said I'd sort it in abit. This obviously wasn't good enough! He then cleaned out the fridge getting pissier and pissier and took his clothes out the machine. I left him to it. He then went and read with dss for 30mins and I made us both a cup of tea, saw he had cleaned the sink and got into bed.

Dh came out from reading fuming with me. He whisper shouted (if you know what I mean) saying that I'm selfish and I've really pissed him off and I have every night with my dc and he's only had 30 mins with dss as he's been cleaning up after me and my kids. I said OK. He carried on whisper shouting about having to sort my clothes off the airer to put his clothes on. I said OK. He then said again about me being selfish and I said can we talk about this tomorrow instead of whisper shouting. He whisper shouted no and that I should have apologised straight away for being so selfish and he shouldn't have to clean food out the fridge and clean the kitchen. I said back that you didn't have to do half of what you did so he said I'm not splitting up with you but what you said the other day about living apart is going to happen as I'm not happy living with you.

I'm actually OK with this i think. I am upset that we couldn't make it work but honestly I feel on eggshells so much when dss is around as dh doesn't get pissy like this when he's not. I think it is tied to dss how annoyed dh gets about things, I still haven't worked out if its projection, guilt or what but all I know is that its unfair for me and my dc to live like this. He would have to wipe the sides and wash up after himself in his own place, why should I be doing it just because dss is here and when it didn't need doing anyway. He would have to wash his own clothes ect and all that too so why is he annoyed with me about doing it for himself just because we live together and dss is over. I really don't think I'm at fault here. I've cleaned today and cleaned up after myself, dc have cleaned up after themselves, dh decided to do more then he needed to and pissed himself off!

I'm now awake wondering what living seperate will mean? Does he think he can 'live' with me on the days dss isn't with him? Does he think I'll cook, clean and pay the bills by myself whilst he's here? Are we going to go back to dating and seeing each other eow and the odd night in the week? Do I even want to be married to a man who does this? I am looking forward to having more peace in my home and having time with my dc before they've grown up too much and moved out. I also think dh will want to be round mine with dss over his long weekend with dss and doing things but do I want that? He makes my dd anxious when dss is naughty as he let's it go until he gets annoyed and starts shouting. Actually having my dc and doing things just with them on my weekend with them sounds pretty good to me right now! But I'm also feeling sad that we couldn't make this work, but then I think- dh said he would get some support for his quick temper and the things he says when he's angry and he never has, he also never hears what I'm saying and doing things that he resents doing isn't going to work long term. Im also really annoyed that he's sound asleep after dropping this and I'm led wide awake wondering whats going to happen.

I’m exhausted just reading this, I can’t imagine actually living in it. Separate Nutella...seriously???
The whole situation is pathetic and ridiculous. I really feel for all the kids being caught up in their parents madness, and it is utter madness! You will read it back at some point and think wtf. Get a divorce, life is too short.

yes, you made a mistake, just unravel it asap.
why would you want to be sleeping with someone like that, with that dynamic. it's not just about not living together.
you need to be a single mum again.
enjoy your life, and your children, and have some peace in your own home.
good luck.

Living separate, it’s upsetting that it hasn’t worked out but you are going to end up feeling relieved and happy, the amount of conflict you describe over a short period of time is exhausting and way too stressful. And bad for your kids to be exposed to. And you don’t want to cave and accept it, as your kids will learn from that relationship dynamic and mirror it in their own adult lives.

He sounds horrible actually, low level mean behaviour that as a one off would be nothing but as an ongoing pattern is pretty horrific to deal with.

Ok here’s what I see. He’s quite provocative/ conflict fuelling. He’s also a deeply unhealthy communicator. And he has a bee in his bonnet about his time with his child.

He clearly tried to start an argument with you after the PT, you didn’t bite (well done). And he clearly noticed.
Now, what happened next is very interesting.
A low conflict / non argumentative person would look at that and (honestly) be relieved and happy that an argument had not happened. It would diffuse things.
A high conflict/ argumentative personality would get wound up by that. If you look into high conflict personalities (scientists have studied this), after they have argued - their blood pressure/ heart rates come down. For some people, the act of venting via arguing is their release and they don’t find it remotely stressful. It appears to me your DH is one of them (hence going straight to sleep after what is in essence a very nasty argument).
I think you’re living with a high conflict personality or certainly someone who finds arguing like this acting as a release/ destressor. If you’re not this personality type, living with someone like this is exceptionally toxic and also very harmful to our stress systems. In most people being on the receiving end of this heightens cortisol/ triggers flight/ fight response. Repeated triggering of this (in what should be your safe space aka home) can make you deeply unwell over a longer period of time. Be really careful - it’s very easy to normalise these attacks over a longer period of time.

He did the kitchen stuff (when he easily could have said to you, I’ll do it after my DS is in bed), because he wanted to create an argument tbh.

He is also a deeply unhealthy communicator. If you’re not happy in a marriage and wish to separate, a healthy communicator would ensure that conversation was had when you both had time (and no kids) around to talk, calmly and kindly. If he’s not happy he has every right to say he wants to move out - but an angry whispered statement just before your wife goes to sleep? Deeply selfish and nasty. It’s a very controlling style of communication. He’s not giving you much to work with here.

Finally the comment re it’s his time with his son and he clearly resents spending it cleaning? He categorically needs to move out and spend his time as he wishes with his child. Doesn't want to wash/ clean when his child is there? Fair enough. His choice. That’s simply not a luxury most families have. My children are not with me 50% of the time, it’s not an option that that other 50% is spent not doing chores. It’s just not.

My exp used to be like this. An expectation that his time with his children was ‘special’ and everyone else should run around catering to them. No thank you. Your children - you clean and cook for them. I’m not your skivvy.

My advice? Let him move out and pronto.
You’ll be sad. Keep an eye on how much you think you will miss him (inevitable) vs missing the extreme up and down dynamic he had created via the arguments. Because obviously the flip side of a personality like this (and you’ll know this because you married him), is they can be charming, funny, loving - until they’re not.

I would take the first step - and quickly. This isn’t a healthy environment. Still perhaps go to counselling/ stay together - that’s a later problem that can be tackled.

Your challenge here is that unless he can see how unhealthy his behaviour is and essentially is deeply committed to ongoing change (rewriting these core behaviours takes daily work on yourself), nothing will change longer term.

Remove the children, remove the cleaning - the arguments will shift to something else. You will be the target of those arguments and you will always be at fault.

It’s really nasty behaviour to be on the receiving end of. You may need counselling yourself to help you step away from the situation.

Keep posting for support either way. I’m sorry this is what’s happening, its heartbreaking x

He is awful. He wants to ruin your evenings. Let him move out without a fuss. Do not let him waltz back in when he doesn't have dss and act like a guest. It might think moving out means no cleaning

Thank you so much for your time posting so much @sassbott and other posters.

I feel like I can't see the wood from the trees. I woke up crying this morning and he's turned it all back on me. He said I should have helped him and realised he was struggling and he spilt cream everywhere in the fridge. He says he gave me enough hints and I should have got up and helped. That he now won't see dss for a week (its my birthday tomorrow and we're going away for a few days) and I don't know what its like and he shouldn't have to spend time taking my clothes off the airer and cleaning the fridge and kitchen. I have bit back this morning and I have pointed out that A he knows I don't do hints and he could have came and asked me for help, its not like I didnt offer earlier - B he didn't have to argue last night as I gave him 3 chances where I tried to de escalate it

I feel this is really unfair, but I also now feel guilty as I did know he was getting pissed off but didn't offer to help.

He's now saying I said to leave (I didn't) and that he is struggling not seeing his son and I know this and how hard it is for him. I don't know if he's laying on a guilt trip or his feelings last night around tidying up when he wanted to be with dss is twisting up in him.

I really don't know and I feel quite pathetic and weak. This marriage just isn't going to work with the way he communicates his needs.

I understand the stress of being a SW (Lac myself) and honestly - what you are going through is why I would never live with anyone again (including my very lovely DP!).

@Shinesun14

Before we were married he was really helpful, when we were dating before we were together all the time his flat was spotless. More and more keeps being left to me and if I bring it up he gets defensive but says I am the defensive one. It has all got a bit horrible tbh and I'm pulling back because why should I pick up more and more. I feel really resentful and its coming out more and more.

Last weekend (our kid free weekend) we talked loads about getting on the same page and our communication issues, but nothing actually changes and its getting worse.

My love, you’ve been suckered

This relationship is going to go downhill from here.

He’s showing you who he is now

You know he is capable of cleaning up after himself but he’s not now, because he’s pushing it onto you

The threats about car?
The separate sections of things?

This all shouts that this man is manipulative and unhealthy for you and your kids

I’m sorry, you have to get out of this ASAP. I hope to god you protected whatever assets you had going into this.

My ex was abusive.

One of the things he would do was to try to keep me so busy

He used to leave crap all over the place, I struggled to keep up

I went away for a week with my ds. Came back, the place was absolutely spotless

He made a huge show of pointing this out.

It was a case of “look, I know what I can do if I want to, but I choose to do it when it suits me, not you!”

This marriage won’t work at all, communication or otherwise

You do need to tell him to leave. Seriously

Your kids can’t be happy living with all this? The atmosphere must be horrendous

@Shinesun14

We weren't incompatible before we got married. We had such an amazing relationship, I don't know where its gone.

It never existed.

He was pretending.

How long ago did you meet him? How quickly has all this happened?

@RangerOnCall I'm on the care leavers team.

I feel like I cannot do my job with all of this emotional stress in my personal life. Today after 3 hours of sleep especially.

@MzHz I don't think he realises he is being abusive. Genuinely he isn't thinking today I'm going to be emotionally abusive. He's just unable to communicate and feels I should look after him more.

To be honest I'd call it quits at this point, sounds like more trouble than it's worth.

[quote Shinesun14]@RangerOnCall I'm on the care leavers team.

I feel like I cannot do my job with all of this emotional stress in my personal life. Today after 3 hours of sleep especially.

@MzHz I don't think he realises he is being abusive. Genuinely he isn't thinking today I'm going to be emotionally abusive. He's just unable to communicate and feels I should look after him more.[/quote]
They never think they’re abusive

They will accuse you of it before they consider their behaviour is wrong.

The fact is, he’s shown you he knows what’s expected to appear a good partner

The second he’s got you where he thinks you’re trapped, he’s changed

He’s criticising you, he’s burdening you with the motive of keeping you so busy that you can’t see a way out.

Why did his last relationship fail?

What kind of co parenting relationship does your h have with his ex?

God, I couldn't imagine dh having a go at me because I left sweetcorn in the sink. I'd think he had taken a knock to the head.

Have you had a conversation about what has changed and why it has changed since marriage?

My lovely oh is a ridiculously successful business owner

He mucks in on everything, he’s a lot more tidy than I am at times, he likes to help me cook, gets on the end of a broom or hoover and cleans with me to get things done faster

I got a cold once. He asked if he should stay home to look after me.

Bless him.

We look after each other.

I know what bad looks like. My lovely oh knows what bad looks like. We adore each other and are a team

Your h is undermining and destabilising you.

The sooner you get out, the less claim either of you will have on the other

Who owns the house? He moved in with you?

I’m not telling you what to do, it is your life, and you’re an intelligent woman.

I saw the red flags in every line of your op, each update confirmed it

If you were reading this thread for yourself, if one of your clients was telling you this, what would you think they should do?

The other question you should ask yourself

Is this the way I want to live? If he isn’t going to get any better than this, only worse? What then?