AIBU not cooking or washing anymore

[Shinesun14]

Me and DH have only been married and living together for 5 months. I have two dc (13 and 15) here most of the time bar eow. Dh has dss (8) who is here 40%.

Since he moved in his outgoings have gone down and we are 50/50 - I work ft as a social worker with a very high risk case load and dh has his own engineering business (both stressful jobs but different).

Dh parenting is a bit shit sometimes and he guilt parented. Dh understands that that's not actually the type of dad he wants to be and is working on it. However, I feel he has resentment towards me for picking this up after we married and projects onto my dc.

Dh has found it quite hard living with teenagers, they are emotionally healthy and adjusted teenagers with no attachment issues and both are doing well at school and have interests outside. Dss has a few challenges but is mostly well behaved like my dc are mostly well behaved.

My dh has started leaving more and more housework to me alongside cooking ect and has started being critical of me. I feel he's projecting as he isn't doing what he's supposed to be. He also has his own kitchen cupboard with his and his sons food in. This is because twice my dd (15) used the last of the Nutella and didn't tell him so dss couldn't have his spoonful of Nutella in his morning porridge. We are quite different in that I buy my dcs treat food like Nutella and when its gone its gone until I next do a big shop. Dh likes to be more organised than that. But I hate that he has a seperate cupboard just for him and dss, its divisive imo.

I also need to lose a stone so I've said from now on I'm not cooking for him or washing his clothes as its not appreciated. I've arranged another cupboard for my dcs food, they're more than capable of making basic meals for themselves and they were a bit about him and dss having a cupboard full of their food. I'm also not doing his washing anymore as he doesn't do his jobs around the house after we decided when he moved in who's doing what. He's now bought a washing basket for himself . He's not very happy with me and is saying I'm taking things too far and I'm unreasonable as he needs to know what food his dss has and needs his own cupboard to do that. I think if I can go back to only washing for 3 people and not cooking most days I'm on a winner. Why should I pick up his slack. He's now saying that he's not going to buy us a new family car since we're living so seperate and is saying he's also annoyed about paying 50/50 on bills (even though his outgoings decreased by almost 50% moving in with me).

So AIBU to continue the seperate theme, why can't my dc and me also have seperate cupboards? Or am I being petty?

I think you should consider two separate house hold until the children are 18! I think it will be the best option for you both.

I am going to book us a couples counselling session and see if we can communicate better. We're now off out for the day with ds and dss. Fuck knows whats going to happen with our marriage. I just can't get my head around why we're like this and how to make it better again.

With your updates I honestly don't think you've done anything wrong.

He thinks you should do your and his chores even though you work longer hours. That's completely unreasonable by anyone's standards.

He is trying to punish you for not doing his chores by not buying a replacement car (that you don't even want!)

He has way more money left over than you each month but now wants to punish you by paying less than half of the bills.

I hope counseling does help OP. You said you struggle to think quickly in arguments so I would recommend writing down your points and potential counter points so you make sure you feel heard.

I just can't get my head around why we're like this and how to make it better again.

I have been stuck in the trap of these thoughts before and thinking there must something I can do to make a partner be like he was before. Unfortunately for me the before was him on his best behaviour and the real him was the selfish one.

It might not be the same here but I would definitely say you're relationship is like this because he's being incredibly selfish.

Whether that is the real him emerging or because of stress or miscommunication I'm not sure.

It does seem the former from the outside and what info you've given. We can all be selfish at times but people who aren't a fundamentally selfish would see that the partner working longer hours shouldn't have to do all the housework.

His job is ‘more physical’ but your career is ‘your fault’ so he can’t do his chores.

Hahahahaha!!!

That sexist bullshit would make my clit shrivel.

It would be enough for me to Chuck him out.

Good luck with the counselling OP. Give it a really good go. I think you both have very raised defences at the moment and you are seeing your worst selves. There are kids in the mix and if in six months time (or whatever amount you decide) things still aren't working at least you can tell yourself that you tried your best and did the right thing for everyone.

You would be mad to pick up the costs of running a luxury car, additionally with your job I'd imagine you end up parking all over the place it's probably better to do that in a less flash one.

I hope the house is completely protected? Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.

Definitely, if he doesn't like your car, then he needs to replace his Audi TT with something he's willing to be seen in. 🙄 There's no reason you should take on the costs of his vanity.

It does sound like somewhere in there he just hasn't gotten past the whole patriarchal bullshit around marriage. He thinks he's got his manual job and you're role is to be his housewife. But with the added 21st century shift to you needing to work too and pay your way while still retaining the 1950s housewife duties.

Hopefully he'll address this in counselling.

I had a friend who met a guy who had decent income and an Audi TT. My friend moved herself and her kids out of town to set up home with him. They had been together less than a year.

She worked as a teacher, and had a modest car.

Her new man felt it was not ‘appropriate’ abs needed to be replaced with something shinier and posher. And more expensive.

I found it a bit distasteful. A red flag. It turned out to be the tip of the iceberg of controlling sexist crap that developed pretty quickly into abuse and she ended up fleeing.

Not saying this is what is going on (at all) but the patriarchal stuff is ringing through loud and clear. And would have me very worried indeed about the prospect of an equal partnership.

The cupboard/Nutella thing is second to a much bigger issue of his view of OP as ‘less than’ and ‘wife as subservient’.

I would be re-thinking the relationship rather than going to counselling.

So AIBU to continue the seperate theme, why can't my dc and me also have seperate cupboards? Or am I being petty?

I think that if this is the way you feel, your marriage is effectively over and you might as well separate now.

‘His teabags in his cupboard’?

Why can’t all the teabags go in the drinks cupboard. My mint tea sits next to dh’s Earl Grey. One cupboard for all tea!

OP, it sounds as though most of the issues in your marriage are communication issues. Maybe the 2 of you need to seek out some counseling to deal with effective communication strategies.

He seems to be trying to assert and maintain a certain level of autonomy, and even in marriage you do not lose the right to autonomy.
You seem to be viewing everything through the prism of it now being joint. Both of you will have to find the intersecting point of your views and expectations. In most instances, a lot of this is sorted out prior to marriage.

You also need to have a very frank pen to paper discussion about financial expectations.

You pointed out that he is saving quite a bit by living with you. In fairness to him , you neglected to say that you too are saving quite a bit by having someone pay half of what you only 6 months ago were having to pay in full.

If he finds your car to be an embarrassment, you should suggest that when traveling as a group, you will take 2 cars. Again, this is no more expensive than what you were doing 6 months ago.

Making an issue of the cupboard is nonsense. Many couples have separate closets , separate bathrooms, and separate offices within the same house.

As to job stress, neither of you changed jobs post getting married. You managed your stressful jobs prior to marriage and yet you both were able to cook, clean, and do laundry while working those stressful jobs.

The only change is that you are now sharing a space without having clearly articulated your joint expectations of marriage.

You say that you were compatible prior to marriage, but that compatibility seems to have been a romantic compatibility as opposed to a compatibility in terms of values, financial expectations , parenting, and perhaps long term goals.

You are now faced with having sort out issues after the fact and to determine if you are really compatible.

The cupboard issue is more symbolic of the larger unresolved issues than just the outlining of a space that belongs solely to him and his son.

It's very clear that on marriage he expected you to do the typical household chores, on top of an already stressful job. He doesn't know the stress involved in your role.

Why can't he wash his and DSS clothes?

On the cooking, while I think he should be able to cook, if your agreement was that you cook then you being on a different diet shouldn't mean you can't cook for the rest of the family.

I've been on countless diets and I would always still cook for the family and do something different for myself. However, I understand that a lack of appreciation will would make you not so keen on doing it.

He has an outdated view of what you should do.

@Standrewsschool
Would your life be measurably different if you had his and her tea cupboards or his and her tea shelves. Space permitting what is harmed by this? We all have food preferences and to different degrees varying levels of tidiness standards. What is wrong with wanting to arrange your environment to accommodate those differences?

Nowhere is it written that there is some universal law that couples or family members cannot have unique and separate spaces for various things or that they cannot view particular items to be things not to be shared? These idiosyncrasies are usually discovered in the dating process or when couples live together prior to marriage.

He and his Ds leave all their stuff on the floor but he didn't do this in his own place?!?!

Absolute deal-breaker. What are you waiting for op? Imagine if you or your DC behaved like that in his place!

He's a part time parent of a younger child and let's face it, most of us are clueless about the next parenting age until we reach it ourselves. He's probably thinking DSS would never do that about the finishing of the Nutella, he is being led by an 8 year old and you are being led by a 15 year old. He would need to be in a very small minority of men who could make this situation work. I'm not sure the dynamics of the family unit are going to work. How is he going to react if your DC turn a bit wild like many teenagers - he just isn't going to be able to wrap his tiny mind around it. Having a cupboard for DSS is one thing but including himself in that is really petty. Tit for tat is never very healthy but so early in a marriage does not bode well.

You're unreasonable for staying with this man and subjecting your kids to him. He's changed. You're not compatible. He won't change again. Put your kids first and tell him it's over. No man or relationship is worth the damage this does to your kids living like this.

@Shinesun14

I am going to book us a couples counselling session and see if we can communicate better. We're now off out for the day with ds and dss. Fuck knows whats going to happen with our marriage. I just can't get my head around why we're like this and how to make it better again.

I can't believe you haven't woken up to the fact that he's now a controlling and emotionally abusive twat who is costing you money you could be spending on yourself and your children and instead going to counselling to see how you can better live with an abusive arse.

He thinks you should do your and his chores even though you work longer hours. That's completely unreasonable by anyone's standards.

He is trying to punish you for not doing his chores by not buying a replacement car (that you don't even want!)
He has way more money left over than you each month but now wants to punish you by paying less than half of the bills.

This.

@osbertthesyrianhamster
How is the OP's husband wanting to pay less than half of the bills? Even if that were the case, he brings less than 40% of the full time occupants to the house while she brings 60%, and now that they are married, OP is paying only 50 % of the costs that prior to marriage she paid 100%. Both of these people have benefited financially from this arrangement. I do not see anyone taking financial advantage of the other. The fact that the husband has more discretionary income is simply the result of him earning more than the OP and not the results of him taking financial advantage of the OP.

If the OP does not wish to cook and clean up behind her husband and his son that is not unreasonable . She need only tell him so. The OP says that her partner maintained his prior dwellings in a spotless manner, so obviously , he is capable of cleaning.

Tired, I was quoting another person there, hence the bold, so please wind your neck in.

Is there any way to turn off notifications from this site for those who insist on using that fucking @ to get your attention.

The good thing I kind of understand, my eldest teen SS is a nightmare for just using stuff and eating way too much plus finishing the last of things and not mentioning it.

It came to a head and I flipped out once morning because there was no milk in for my then toddler. There was a pint when I went to sleep but SS had had 3 bowls of cereal and 3 hot chocolates between 9pm and 7am!

We laid into him to tell us and for ages he got a bit stroppy and stopped having any HC staying he was 'banned' 🙄🙄

Own cupboards is a little far though I have a kids treat box and my toddler a treat box just to stop his kinder bars / raisins etc bring all eaten

He sounds like a delight. What did his last slave die of?! Like other have said he wants you to be like a housewife AND bring home the money. He truly does want it both ways, not sure of the point of counselling as that won’t stop him being a selfish twat

Wow, what a thread.

This is a doozy and it’s honestly hard to unpick / fathom what is happening here. Few things stand out for me.

1. Good job for booking counselling, please go into it with an open mind and open ears. You’ve shared one comment that has slightly red-flagged me here. and he's now said I'm biting and until I stop biting we'll keep being seperate A dysfunctional dynamic (whether it’s down to poor communication etc etc is down to both people). Counselling will stand a chance if both people attend being open to change and compromise. Based on that comment, he seems to be placing the responsibility at your door. You’re ‘biting’ hence the separation. The clear implication being that you need to address your behaviour.
2. you’re happy with your car, he is not and wants something ‘flashier’. Please don’t change your car and increase your costs on a car you neither need nor want. (My exp went through a phase of this talking about a ‘family’ car. Wanted me to pay for a nice seven seater. When I told him to change his higher end car for a sharan/ galaxy, his face was a picture.) Your DH wants that ‘flash’ car, he can get rid of his TT and get something more family appropriate and pay for it himself.
3. your children (due to age and parenting) are very independent and good for you. So you sound as though you had a lovely, efficient family home where everyone pulls their weight (and no one plays the I work harder than you card to get out of their responsibilities). What exactly is it your ‘D’H expects now re him and his DS? How have these chores been divvied thus far?

OP. I’m not going to lie, there are red flags galore in some of your posts (it’s your choice to have such a stressful job?) well yes it is, but he knew you had this job before he married you. What is it he now expects to change?

I do hope (for your sake), that he isn’t ‘that’ man. Who puts a ring on it (got his feet firmly under the table) and what you’re now seeing is the real him.

Have your DC said anything to you at all? Have you spoken to them? They won’t be blind to this atmosphere and it sounds (bluntly) pretty awful.

I will add a few things.

1. focus on who is showing up now (vs the man you married). If this man is now showing his true colours, that’s what you need to focus on. Sadly a lot of people do this - true colours only come out after ‘commitment’
2. Dont shoulder the responsibility here. Don’t let him do that and make sure the counsellor you’ve picked is robust enough to look at his behaviour. Some of these personalities can turn up to counselling and appear wholly reasonable/ rational (different to what you’re seeing at home) and it can end with making you look like you’re being unreasonable. Smart manipulators can do that very easily.
3. don’t be afraid to reverse the living situation if it doesn’t get better. Sometimes a time out is ok. Removing pressure and buying time is a smart move - I don’t think you need to move straight to divorce. That’s a massive over reaction.

2. Dont shoulder the responsibility here. Don’t let him do that and make sure the counsellor you’ve picked is robust enough to look at his behaviour. Some of these personalities can turn up to counselling and appear wholly reasonable/ rational (different to what you’re seeing at home) and it can end with making you look like you’re being unreasonable. Smart manipulators can do that very easily.

This is an important point.

I agreed to do some counselling with my H and we've had one session. The manipulative wanker turned up as Mr Reasonable who is just upset that evil old me doesn't centre everything around his children and has put some boundaries in place excludes his children. Afterwards he was really angry at me for daring to disagree with his narrative. And I think he was annoyed that the counsellor didn't just tell me I'm awful and commiserate him on it all.

So I'm pretty certain counselling isn't going to work here. Make sure you choose a counsellor wisely OP because, as @sassbott suggests, it sounds like he's already cast you as the villain.