AIBU not cooking or washing anymore

[Shinesun14]

Me and DH have only been married and living together for 5 months. I have two dc (13 and 15) here most of the time bar eow. Dh has dss (8) who is here 40%.

Since he moved in his outgoings have gone down and we are 50/50 - I work ft as a social worker with a very high risk case load and dh has his own engineering business (both stressful jobs but different).

Dh parenting is a bit shit sometimes and he guilt parented. Dh understands that that's not actually the type of dad he wants to be and is working on it. However, I feel he has resentment towards me for picking this up after we married and projects onto my dc.

Dh has found it quite hard living with teenagers, they are emotionally healthy and adjusted teenagers with no attachment issues and both are doing well at school and have interests outside. Dss has a few challenges but is mostly well behaved like my dc are mostly well behaved.

My dh has started leaving more and more housework to me alongside cooking ect and has started being critical of me. I feel he's projecting as he isn't doing what he's supposed to be. He also has his own kitchen cupboard with his and his sons food in. This is because twice my dd (15) used the last of the Nutella and didn't tell him so dss couldn't have his spoonful of Nutella in his morning porridge. We are quite different in that I buy my dcs treat food like Nutella and when its gone its gone until I next do a big shop. Dh likes to be more organised than that. But I hate that he has a seperate cupboard just for him and dss, its divisive imo.

I also need to lose a stone so I've said from now on I'm not cooking for him or washing his clothes as its not appreciated. I've arranged another cupboard for my dcs food, they're more than capable of making basic meals for themselves and they were a bit about him and dss having a cupboard full of their food. I'm also not doing his washing anymore as he doesn't do his jobs around the house after we decided when he moved in who's doing what. He's now bought a washing basket for himself . He's not very happy with me and is saying I'm taking things too far and I'm unreasonable as he needs to know what food his dss has and needs his own cupboard to do that. I think if I can go back to only washing for 3 people and not cooking most days I'm on a winner. Why should I pick up his slack. He's now saying that he's not going to buy us a new family car since we're living so seperate and is saying he's also annoyed about paying 50/50 on bills (even though his outgoings decreased by almost 50% moving in with me).

So AIBU to continue the seperate theme, why can't my dc and me also have seperate cupboards? Or am I being petty?

He has an answer for everything 🙄
Funny how there are so many (emotional blackmail) reasons why he can't do chores isn't it?
Basically he thinks it's all beneath him and wants you to be his skivvy.
Kick him out.

Painful times but at least you see him clearly and know he is basically misogynistic and thinks him and DSS should come first and second every time.

So we spoke a lot last night (went for a 90 minute drive). He has finally taken some responsibility and feels awful about the things he's said to me. I've agreed to stay for now, on the condition that he sorts his shit out.

In my head I've got a time frame to see if things will change. If they don't then I will leave but I feel like if I don't give this one more chance then I'll always think back and regret it. I know a lot of this sounds like an abusers script, but I really don't feel like he's horrible on the inside and needs some support (not from me but from a therapist) to think about his processes and change them.

He's floundering a bit with our life atm and doesn't feel he can talk to me about it as he doesn't want to say something that I may take wrongly. So he builds it up and becomes a dick. We're going to carve out Saturday morning chats, and he is going to communicate when he's feeling resentful before he gets upset about it. At the same time if either of us gets more then a little annoyed about something we're going to try sleeping on it before we talk about it so it doesn't get heated. He doesn't know how to communicate and feels silly for bringing up petty things, so those feelings build up.

We've also changed my dc arrangements slightly so they will be seeing their dad on Wednesdays as well as their normal eow so dh gets time just him and dss. I work late most Wednesdays anyway and I think h will feel a lot happier overall as he does miss spending one on one time with him. My dc are more than happy and so is their dad.

The cupboards are staying the same ish - me and DH will have our treat cupboard, he will have his and dss food cupboard and my two will have theirs. We're going to keep to mostly separate food apart from our dc weekend where we'll take turns cooking for everyone or eat out . I feel a lot happier that the stress of cooking and cleaning has gone for me - thats not to say I won't ever cook for my dc but they are capable of making basic meals for themselves if I'm busy and not having to think about it/what dss will eat or not too ect works for me. We're also sticking with seperate washing and a cleaner. I understand some may say thats not very family like - but I don't have it in me to care take for them both and I have felt more back to me since stopping.

I do really understand about what everyone has said. I'm not completely enmeshed and codependent on him where I won't leave him if it continues how it is. I do agree he's misogynist and has emotionally abused me, I think it stems from insecurities and the dad guilt that came in after we married. If he can work on that I think we'll work out and have a great marriage. I'm not however, going to stick around and accept being his emotional punchbag and if things haven't changed and there isn't embedded change at the end of 3 months I will be gone.

Thank you for all your advice, I expect there are a few of you shaking your heads at me, I know I would be if I was you, I just can't leave yet without this last chance.

Well done, OP, this seems like a good start and as you have said, communication is the key. Stick to your boundaries and good luck!

It's a start. It doesn't deal with the misogyny so there's that.

A trick DH and I use is "the story I'm telling myself". So he would say, "there's sweet corn in the sink, the story I'm telling myself is you want me to clean it up". Takes the heat out of it.

It’s important for us to know we’ve tried everything to get what we thought we had back

I still recommend you speak to a solicitor tho, to understand the situation you are in and the strengths and weaknesses you have

he's also annoyed about paying 50/50 on bills (even though his outgoings decreased by almost 50% moving in with me)

I understand some may say thats not very family like - but I don't have it in me to care take for them both and I have felt more back to me since stopping

Sounds as though he played the charmer to get you hooked into marrying him....and to get himself a 'better' standard of living at your expense and detriment.

It also doesn't sound like he ever seriosly considered blending families - more "live together yet separate so i get the best of both worlds".

It's a good job actually to keep your finances separate from his and the parenting and housekeeping.....
and the mental load....
and don't 'let' him buy you a car - i'm sure if your and your DC's needs change you're more than capable of sorting that out - especially as you'd be paying for its upkeep...makes more sense to take charge of the spec design and all that yourself....

He's a got an excuse for why he can't tolerate your DC living with you....

I’m sorry OP as a daughter of a covert narcissist, the best thing you can do is leave ASAP. He’s persuaded you to see less of your son? Doesn’t that sound nice 🤔🚩🚩🚩🚩 please see a counsellor on your own too, preferably one who understands covert narcissists

Just an update. We are now going to divorce/look into annulment.

Yesterday he started yet another argument. I can't live like this its going to make me ill. I've asked him to go to a hotel which he hasn't done, but he has said he will be out by the end of the month. It all centres on his dad guilt and the way he reacts and starts arguments with me when he feels threatened or guilty. I can't live like this anymore, I'm gutted tbh as I really believed he was my one and we were perfect for each other, but we're not.

@Shinesun14

Just an update. We are now going to divorce/look into annulment.

Yesterday he started yet another argument. I can't live like this its going to make me ill. I've asked him to go to a hotel which he hasn't done, but he has said he will be out by the end of the month. It all centres on his dad guilt and the way he reacts and starts arguments with me when he feels threatened or guilty. I can't live like this anymore, I'm gutted tbh as I really believed he was my one and we were perfect for each other, but we're not.

I'm sorry it's come to this @Shinesun14. It's hard. It does sound like the best thing for you. You can't live like this any longer.

Thanks @FishyFriday

I think I've got some of my own shit to work on too. My pattern of relationships ways ends up the same. I end up with angry men, he even told me he had anger issues on our 5th date fgs but I can't cope with angry men who belittle and call me names...

Im also never getting with a man with young children ever again. Ever! I am not cut out for it.

@Shinesun14

Just an update. We are now going to divorce/look into annulment.

Yesterday he started yet another argument. I can't live like this its going to make me ill. I've asked him to go to a hotel which he hasn't done, but he has said he will be out by the end of the month. It all centres on his dad guilt and the way he reacts and starts arguments with me when he feels threatened or guilty. I can't live like this anymore, I'm gutted tbh as I really believed he was my one and we were perfect for each other, but we're not.

It sounds like the best thing for you and your kids. His issues are for him to sort, he's an adult. His reaction to feeling threatened or guilty is unacceptable and not your fault. Women are not rehab centres for men.

Please, please, please take a long break from dating and work on yourself. Men like this target women who are people pleasers.

See a solicitor on your own ASAP and don't enable him anymore doing housework and lifework.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I am never going to be in another serious relationship while my dc are at home. I feel quite shit about what I've taught them about relationships so far. My dc are only going to be living with me for a few more years and I'm totally going to be making the most of it with them.

I am not his rehab centre, I am not anyones rehab centre. I am just going to concentrate on having a lovely few years with my lovely (and they are really lovely, I'm very lucky) dc.

@Shinesun14 I’m so sorry for your update, in so much that this man could not/ would not take responsibility for his actions.
That however is no reflection on you. That’s on him and only him.

I know this decision is not easy and nor will it feel easy day to day. But that’s ok. You should feel proud of yourself for having the strength to take these next steps. Keep posting for support.

You’re doing the absolute best for you and your children. You all deserve a happy home, free of this tension and stress. Whilst there may be hard days and sad days - this is the best.

Not a happy ending but probably best for you and yours.

It’s not a happy ending right now... but it will be

Promise you.

This does hurt, of course, we know this, but he’s not who he pretended to be and your life with him would only ever get worse.

You’re absolutely making the right decision

(((Huge hug)))

Do you honestly feel that he is abusive? What if I'm honestly too sensitive? I'm not saying this to go oh poor me, I really am wondering if I'm too soft? But then if I am just soft and he isn't abusive it doesn't work anyway does it.

He’s emotionally abusive and gaslighting you. Honestly, I don’t say this to be an arse but I’m really surprised that as a social worker you can’t see that and are blaming yourself! I think if you were looking at your situation objectively from the outside with your social worker head on and without your emotional attachment to him then you would see it is him and not you.

You don’t deserve the abuse, and your daughter shouldn’t see it as something that is acceptable for a woman to go through, lest she ends up in a similar situation one day. By allowing him to stay you are normalising his abusive behaviour towards you in your children’s eyes.

@Shinesun14

Do you honestly feel that he is abusive? What if I'm honestly too sensitive? I'm not saying this to go oh poor me, I really am wondering if I'm too soft? But then if I am just soft and he isn't abusive it doesn't work anyway does it.

Yes, he's abusive. What's very scary is you don't see it and you have your kids around it (and yes, they know and can see it, no matter how 'removed' you think they are from it).

OP, don't beat up on yourself. Personally, I don't think that there always has to be someone or something wrong in a relationship. I think that sometimes the fit or sustainable compatibility just isn't there.

You should not give up on yourself or relationships, but you should take sometime to be good to and for yourself. Remember that not everyone who is good to you is always good for you.

Treat yourself well and think more about yourself than about him. He will no longer be living in your home so do not let him become a lodger in your head. Reliving and re-analyzing the last several months will not give you the answers that you seek , but it will prolong the agony of letting go.

@DotCottonsFagButt I work, and have worked since qualified, with care leavers, some have experienced horrific abuse and some are horrifically abusive to their partners in turn. My level of whats acceptable is probably squewed because of what I work with every day - eg - he hasn't chased me with a machete today so it's all good .

I feel confident that I can build my life back up and be happy without him. I just feel sad and a bit panicky about whether I'm making the right decision or not. I know I am, but if I had a magic wand I would magic up a happy love filled home where my husband wasn't a twat to me when he gets triggered by his dad guilt.

@Shinesun14 Of course, that makes complete sense, I hadn’t thought of it like that. However, it shouldn’t minimise what you are going through just because some others might have it worse, it’s still not acceptable for him to treat you as he has. Just because others have been through worse doesn’t mean your feelings and hurt aren’t valid. The bar for your relation is set pretty low if you’re comparing it to “he hasn’t chased me with a machete today”. You really don’t deserve what he is doing to you mentally.

If he’s this bad less than a year in to marriage then how bad would it be in another 5 years?

You deserve a better life than this. This isn't peaceful and calm for you and your kids. It's not going to change.

I am minimising, and my dc do deserve a peaceful home.

I really do wish I had opened my eyes up more before marriage and living together.

@Shinesun14

I am minimising, and my dc do deserve a peaceful home.

I really do wish I had opened my eyes up more before marriage and living together.

What matters is that you realise now and you are doing something about it.