Debts and decisions

[ihavenowords30]

I need advice as we have a odd situation that's came up over the weekend. I'll try and keep it short but happy to give more info if needed.. I have 3 teen SC, the eldest is not my partners biological child but he has pretty much raised him also.

For the past two years wet partner and I have been frustrated as the kids birthdays have pretty much gone without any real effort on mums part. It's all been left to us, and the 3 of them are being told they need to save up money for things they want (I'm totally on board with) but recently this has included new trainers, a double bed and clothes and even haircuts. Things we do consider basics that they really shouldn't be saving up for.. using pocket money / Christmas money ( to add these aren't big designer things just average brands etc)

It came to a head last Friday when the ex texted my partner telling him that SS 15 has £40 cash and wanted it in his bank so could he transfer it to him and we would get the cash on Saturday, he said no problem then we found out he has used the money to get his hair cut and buy his toiletries ( lynx, hair gel etc)

My partner did send a shitty message to her saying it was a joke and why is he buying these things himself and she came back equally shitty saying if he's that bothered give him the money back which I said my partner deserved and he did Transfer the money back to SS.

This has led to a call Saturday where the EX has basically said she's having to pay a lot of debt off and is struggling for money. She openly admitted as the debt was before she met her new husband he's refusing to really help with it so she's having to use the CSA Money to keep the wolves from the door so that's why the kids are perhaps being more self sufficient l, she's upped there pocket money but told them they are now responsible for things such as I've mentioned.

To be honest she had balls coming clean like that so I did gain some respect for her however it's now been left and we really have no idea where to go from here... I would just like opinions on what others would do from here? Ignore it? help more and in what ways?

I'll add the kids are all happy there's no real issue with them it's just left us abit unsure how to proceed with things as she stayed her case and just said so there now you know and I can't change it, I am trying my best so stop giving me shit.

I have already bought loads of sanitary and toiletries for all 3 to take him and keep in there rooms.

For info Partners CSA changes a lot with work but since Christmas it's been 315 for 2 kids ( eldest dad pays through CSA but it's like 7 a week)

We cannot afford to massively up this cost nor do we want to so looking at other options.

Ex states her debt was 11-15k

I know... this is why he wants to talk to her about what we can do but also that it's not ok some of the things that we see happening, I'm all for clearing debt and of course bills come before new trainers etc but ( and I might get slated for this) they chose to have 2 more kids so you knew Money was tight it just seems stupid to me but then again the EX Has said ok multiple times she doesn't get a woman that only wants one child (myself)

She's not a bad mother and I wouldn't want to go down that road I think if I'm being truthful it's more of a marriage issue... if I was imposing the restrictions on the kids to my partner I bet she would have a lot to say about my actions but doesn't seem to be able to see her own household problems and they way her kids are treated at times looking quite badly on her.

This isn't me saying my partner and I are wonderful and do everything right but I think as two people that had the children ( or 2 of them) they should be able to discuss things... wether it goes horrible wrong I'll update you all on!

I wouldn't say she's money grabbing as such but she does think we have a much better life in terms of time free to ourselves/ expendable income because we both work albeit I have just gone part time due to redundancy so I know she thinks we could do a lot more to help her household but it doesn't really work like that

So she's sleeping on a z bed type thing, she's saving to get herself a double bed (a single would be Easier but she's got her heart set)

In that case her mind should give her enough for a single and then it’s up to DSD if she wants to keep saving for a double. In this house with would be a second hand single off marketplace costing about £30-£50. Heart set on a double wouldn’t be an option here so if DSD is refusing a single then I can see why mum isn’t buying one.

Mind= mum

I had to pay for my own toiletries and haircuts when I was that age and it had nothing to do with my parents being in debt.

You say your dh has paid £315 maintenance since Christmas. What was he paying before that?

[quote ihavenowords30]@UhtredRagnarson sorry I realised I never explained the bed issue that's for SD 15, she up until recently a shared a room with 2 sisters (two single bunk beds and a toddler bed ) but there's been a move around and she now has the smallest room to herself - problem is there is no bed as the youngest has gone from toddler bed to her old single in that room. So she's sleeping on a z bed type thing, she's saving to get herself a double bed (a single would be Easier but she's got her heart set)

Clothes is more we've been noticing over the last year or so the boys are always in the same clothes ( they don't care a joy about clothing ) and the daughter is getting hand me downs from her auntie (nothing wrong with this but she's trying to find her own style and was buying the cheapest of Chinese clothes online that were awful quality when I asked why she was ordering these and not going to look at clothes or buying from sites that are still cheap ie boohoo / primark that's when we realised she was buying all new clothes herself outside uniform and underwear etc)

Again it might just be be from my privileged upbringing but I was shocked! I let her order £90 worth of clothes on my account (this was a good staple wardrobe) and I bought her new trailers as to be honest I just felt sad her for and she's a good kid. DP was fine about it but this us when he gets frustrated as they shouldn't be having to buy all their own normal clothes.

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You are drip feeding more and more and very judgemental about his ex. What the maintenance is spent on is nothing to do with you just as what the kids spend their pocket money on either.

The year before Christmas it was around 280 CSA it's never been below this though that was the worst year for pay with Covid etc.

@SakuraEdenSwan1 how am I drip feeding I'm a seeing questions? Yea I am judgement personally I think it's wrong but they aren't my kids so I'm just seeing ways / ideas to help as my DP isn't happy either but we don't want world war three. Would you choose to ignore that information and just carry on doing nothing for them or talking to the mum about improving a situation?

Just because dads are usually the NRP they have the right to discuss the upbringing with the mother and their home life, if she didn't like the way I was treating them or rules ana out house I wouldn't mind her approaching us to talk?

You are drip feeding more and more and very judgemental about his ex. What the maintenance is spent on is nothing to do with you just as what the kids spend their pocket money on either.

Can't you really not see why their dad is annoyed though??

CSA is meant to be his contribution to support his children when they're with their mum, it's not meant to all be used one something else while the children go without basics, like a bed??!!

That said though, I actually think 14+ is old enough to start taking responsibility for buying things like toiletries, hair gel and even some clothes yourself so don't really have an issue with that side of it.

But I can completely see why their dad (and OP) is frustrated as he's basically just handing money to his ex and his kids aren't actually seeing any of it. They are the only reason he gives her that money.

Would you choose to ignore that information and just carry on doing nothing for them or talking to the mum about improving a situation?

Just because dads are usually the NRP they have the right to discuss the upbringing with the mother and their home life, if she didn't like the way I was treating them or rules ana out house I wouldn't mind her approaching us to talk?

So I don't really think he does have the right to discuss their/her home life. All he can do is handle what he can from his side, he can't tell her what to do or try and make her sort it out.

For me, this would be cutting down to the legal minimum in maintenance (if he pays more than that now) and either increasing the pocket money he gives the kids so they have more for clothes etc, or covering more things like clothes/shoes when they need them.

@Bibidy that could be an idea actually it's just feels a lot of pressure on them for my liking but that's something we'll look at I think :)

Thank you

Everyone is saying that it's up to the ex what she spends child support on, but it isn't really - it's meant to be spent on supporting the kids, not paying her debts. If my DC didn't have a bed or decent clothes and I was paying hundreds of pounds every month, I'd be angry.
Ex wife sounds like she is married to an arsehole, but she had no business giving up work and having 2 more kids at the expense of her existing children.

[quote ihavenowords30]@Bibidy that could be an idea actually it's just feels a lot of pressure on them for my liking but that's something we'll look at I think :)

Thank you [/quote]
I guess I don't think it's a big deal as I was pretty much full grown by 14 so most of the clothes/shoes I 'needed' were through my own choice by then. Parents might get me expensive stuff like new trainers or a coat for birthday or Christmas or something like that.

I think as long as they're getting fed properly at home and aren't bursting out of their shoes, there's not much you can do except cut back as much CM as your DP legally can. At least then he can use that money to actually pay for things for the kids instead of just handing it to his ex as if he owes her money.

If she got into debt to cover normal weekly expenses then - some of the CSA does go to cover those debts sorry.

This belief that the CSA only gets spent on the DCS and not contributing to household expenses aswell is ridiculous.

If the debt is on Jimmy Choos and partying different context but no doubt OPwill drip feed us a bit more.