50/50 would be some thing we could discuss if mum was still saying she was struggling financially as a way to help with having them here more... but then the CSA stops which I imagine would be a worse situation.
It won’t necessarily stop unless you go to a shared care order at 50/50 and you can demonstrate that care is shared equally, this isn’t just about them living with you seven days out of fourteen, this is about after school pick ups, medical appointments, parents evenings etc. She can still make an application for CSA and it can still be considered so I’d just check your position before you offer to do it (if the assumption is that CSA will stop).
You have my absolute sympathy I’ve been here and it’s frustrating. The courts also aren’t interested in financial aspects unless it’s affecting welfare.
8-11k over eighteen months is entirely doable by the time you’ve factored in that the debt is probably high interest.
I think I would do two things:
- I would speak to Mum and say ‘I appreciate your honesty about the situation and I do see how hard it is for you.
But there are basic needs like a bed, clothes, deodorant and not providing those could lead to the kids being flagged as at risk.
Wants, I completely understand that that is their responsibility.
School trips; many schools have a fund for kids who can’t go because of finances - she needs to ask to access it.
I would then state (don’t ask) that you’ll be speaking to the kids (just the older ones) to see if the arrangement currently works or if they’d prefer to live with you more of the time.
- I’d have that conversation with the 14 year old. I wouldn’t go down the ages after that for the moment. I would lead with the takeaway conversation to be honest and say ‘I’ve heard that this happened and I’ve spoken to your Mum, I understand her situation with money is difficult. I want to help, but I want to make sure you get the help as you’re my priority. I don’t think it’s fair you’re being put in a position where you think you have to pay for a takeaway for the others, or a bed or deodorant (or whatever). I was wondering whether you would find it better if you all spent a bit more time here where I can look after you and make sure you have what you need.
Don’t phrase it as your mum is rubbish come and live here. DH needs to pick words carefully.
I’d see what their thoughts are first before I made my next move. If they say no, I would instead look at what other things I could take from them, that are directly for them. If they’re spending £10 out of that £40 on mobile phone contracts it doesn’t leave a lot.
Even by the time you’ve bought deodorant, hair wax, shampoo etc it doesn’t leave a lot. So I’d make that list and find more practical ways to offer them help, where at least you can be satisfied it goes to them.
And finally, you have to let go of the money that goes to Mum. I used to hate paying £360 a month especially when she would always come for more, always throw it in our faces, describe DH as a Disney dad, always asking for favours and completely overstepping.
I hated it. When we went to 50/50 shared care, it was much better in the sense that, the footing was equal and the boundaries were clearer. The only thing that now moves between houses is school uniform. They come here in trainers from Mum, they wear trainers from Dad, they go home in trainers from Mum. We no longer have this back and forth over money and how she can’t afford things. We don’t have to engage over Christmas and what she can’t afford.
But as others have said, there is bob all you can do about that and a court will tell you unless she is spending her money on crack instead of feeding the kids, you need to mind your own business.