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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Boundaries around the house with step.kids

80 replies

Kindasup1 · 07/04/2021 09:22

I was just wondering your thoughts , do you let your step kids have completely free reign to play in any room around the house ?
Surely I am entitled to some privacy my bedroom and my work office as an example. My husband has two kids from previous relationship one boy and one girl aged 7 and 9.
When they come they want to be in my room go through my things and play in my office. We have a child together who is 2 when they are bigger I wouldn't just let them run riot ! Am I being too precious over my house or do I have a valid point?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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HollowTalk · 07/04/2021 09:25

I think your office and bedroom should be completely out of bounds. It's not fair that you can't have a space that's your own in your own house. Presumably you don't go into the bedroom and make a complete mess. They need to give you the same respect even though they are very young.

Wonderingmother · 07/04/2021 09:26

Bedroom and office absolutely out of bounds to children (whether bio or step). Put your foot down!

HollowTalk · 07/04/2021 09:29

If they can't respect it, I would actually get locks for the doors.

Mistressinthetulips · 07/04/2021 09:30

I think while your own dc is going into both rooms the optics are poor if the other children are banned. What about just getting a lock for the office door?
I'd find it hard to be bothered about going into the bedroom though - presumably it is their dad's bedroom too?
I think when you have a small child that older children can see to be behaving badly (you say "run riot") in a way that you will think of as completely normal once your own dc is that age!

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2021 09:33

Your office should definitely be out of bounds. Who’s telling you the kids should get to play in it or go through your things?!

Bedroom they shouldn’t be in unless you’re in there too and are happy for them to be there. But it’s not a play room. Do you play in their rooms? I doubt it.

Healthy boundaries around space and sanctuary are, obviously, healthy.

Is your partner on a different page on this?

ihavenowords30 · 07/04/2021 09:40

100% not, I don't even like my Ss setting my gaming consoles in the dining room as it's a through room! And I don't wanna hear that all day 🙄

Magda72 · 07/04/2021 09:50

Your office should definitely be out of bounds and your bedroom too if you so choose it.
You're definitely not being precious.
You're the adult, it's your house, you set the rules.
My dc are all teens/adults now & I have a small snug with a tv off the kitchen. I don't not allow my dc to use it unless I say they can as I want one room in the house where I can go that isn't overrun with consoles, laptops, cables, socks etc.! This means that they sometimes have to share the tv in the main living room!
The horror!
They'll be scared for life!
Honestly - when was it decided that children ran houses?

tootiredtospeak · 07/04/2021 09:56

Depends on if they have their own space. Do they if so just get your DH to have a chat about it. Work space I would say fine bedroom I would be less precious about unless you are getting showered or something. My kids are always in out room and my DP who isn't the eldest Dad has never said anything is off limits. But we all live together. It's just important to not make them feel like outsiders whilst being able to have some bits that are maybe out of bounds. At 7 and 9 that should be pretty easy.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2021 10:05

Not precious at all, and don't let anyone tell you you have to let them play in your bedroom to "make them feel at home". Nobody needs to play in someone else's bedroom to feel at home, in fact it's a good lesson for them to learn to respect other people's space the way they no doubt want theirs respected. Any child in my house is welcome to pop into my bedroom, have a chat etc, but I don't expect them to be getting stuff out or playing in there while I'm not there. It's completely normal.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2021 10:09

When they come they want to be in my room go through my things and play in my office.

Hell no. Totally unacceptable.

KoalaOok · 07/04/2021 10:28

Our room out of bounds unless we are there and invite them in. Similarly I don't go into their room.

tootiredtospeak · 07/04/2021 10:32

It's your choice at the end of the day. I cant think of anything my DS9 would play with in my bedroom but he loves to watch TV sometimes as we haven't allowed him one yet. My DD4 loves to play in my room and she has her own. She likes to look in my mirror play with my make up (spare old stuff just for her) use my hairbrush and try on some old jewellery and perfume. I dont have to let her but I do she enjoys it. If you dont want her too you dont it's fine. I dont think its precious I just think people are different.

Youseethethingis · 07/04/2021 10:34

It’s a no from me.
I don’t believe that having or inheriting children automatically cancels your right to have anything for yourself, be that privacy, time or money.
Teaching kids that they can do what they like with other people things is the road to entitled little pests to put it mildly.

Absolutely a hill to die on as if you allow this to carry on unchecked it will be the thin end of the wedge as they get older and the resentment will poison your marriage.

mistermagpie · 07/04/2021 10:35

Your spaces should be your spaces. Especially the office.

I don't let my own children in my bedroom unless I am in there, they have plenty to play with in their own bedrooms and the other rooms in the house, I'm entitled to one space that isn't overrun with them!

Mumbo1234 · 07/04/2021 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedMarauder · 07/04/2021 10:50

OP what have you said to your husband? Why isn't he parenting his children?

His children are old enough to have learnt it is not ok to go through other people's personal belongings as they are not toddlers. Do they empty each other bags out?

In regards to your office - make it clear that no-one is allowed to go in their without your expressed permission. This is because most workplaces have rules on confidentiality and some of these can actually be legally enforced. You need to give all the children clear consequences for going in there without your permission. No need to put locks on doors.

sandgrown · 07/04/2021 11:03

My stepchildren had to knock on our bedroom door before coming in . Didn’t want them to catch us having sex or me getting dressed! Don’t think their mum would have been impressed.

DartmoorChef · 07/04/2021 11:09

My parents bedroom was always off limits when I was a child and all of my friends were the same. We played in our own bedrooms.

user1493413286 · 07/04/2021 11:10

My DD doesn’t come into our bedroom unless we’re in there; she’s a teen now so she might come in to chat if I’m doing make up and when she was younger might play but she’d come out when I left the room. It’s my private things. I also have a 4 year old and with permission she likes to look at my jewellery but I tell her not to go through my drawers and she’s not allowed to play in there if I’m not there.
I’d find it a bit odd if DSD went looking through drawers and cupboards in the house just for the sake of it and would probably encourage her to do something else.

user1493413286 · 07/04/2021 11:11

I meant my DSD in the first line

LindaEllen · 07/04/2021 11:13

It's nothing to do with them being step children - your office should be out of bounds to all children as it's not a play room. The bedroom is up to you, but really there's no need for them to play in there if they have several other rooms to play in.

Ohpulltheotherone · 07/04/2021 11:37

Office - absolutely not.
Bedroom - not unless I am in there and there’s a reason they are. They’ve come in to chat whilst I tidy up or they want to chat with me whilst I get ready.

No one should be in my bedroom without me in there or without express permission.

It’s a private area, these are your personal things. Why should anyone have access to your personal items? Toiletries, cosmetics, trinkets or sentimental items, books, undies etc. No way!

My toddlers absolutely ransack my room if I give them even just 2 minutes unsupervised. As they get older they will be told it is out of bounds unless invited.

You’re not unreasonable at all, your DH needs to back you up. It’s not like you’re trying to ban them from the living spaces!

Chocolateismakingmefat · 07/04/2021 11:40

My own dc do not go in our bedroom.. Recently a poster was complaining her dh allowed his dc to eat fast food on their bed. Bloody grim.
Saying no won't kill them. Remind dh of that.

Original poster

Kindasup1 · 07/04/2021 11:59

Husband gives the boundaries but then the youngest cries and I feel bad. In their home drawing on sofas is allowed and on walls and they have free reign. Whereas, it's not in our house! I am constantly saying out of the office please as they like to play on the chairs and spin around. Husband says I can be a bit uptight but I was brought up with clear boundaries and respect for the home I lived it. They have their bedroom the lounge and the garden to play.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2021 12:01

Well there will always be things that make children cry. So keep saying no, buy a lock if you need to and remind your husband it’s your home too and you’re choosing this hill to die on.

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