Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 ··· 27 28

Original poster

New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:

malaboi · 29/03/2021 11:18

She is a SAHM so does not need childcare for these holidays

The dc still need to see their dad though so not sure why the above is relevant

RedMarauder · 29/03/2021 11:19

@thebabessavedme

This sounds like a tale of 3 adults who all, quite frankly, need to grow the fuck up, in between all this, 'annual leave', 'hard pregancy', 'its your turn to have them' shit are 2 little kids who have been given the shitty end of the stick, as adults you all need to put aside the petty carry on and actually have a meeting to sort this all out before the children get much older and realise they are seen as a pain in the arse to all 3 of you for varying reasons.

poor little souls.

The OP is actually vulnerable as well as the 3 children because she has just had a baby.

Easterbunnygettingready · 29/03/2021 11:20

Why is it referred to as contact time? Surely it is their home also? They aren't visitors...

HedgeOwl · 29/03/2021 11:20

OP.
You are normal your feelings are normal. Even if you had the kids as your own your feelings would be okay and you would want help/send them to grandparents for a few nights/to holiday club in normal time etc.

Your DH being at work is not your responsibility. Your ex can have the kids in the evenings/go and take them out for a McD’s after work to still see them, of course you are not to have them during the day on your own with a 3 week old post difficult pregnancy. And so what if your DH will be heart broken, going to your mums to be looked after is also completely normal and needed.

Your DH ex if she is the person sending you horrible messages during your pregnancy clearly wants to be mean for the sake of it’s some people are horrid, they aren’t automatically nice as you are the step mum.

Yup, DH should use his paternity leave for you and the baby not current kids.

Congrats on your baby.

Brieminewine · 29/03/2021 11:21

Wow some very nasty comments from some bitter exs on here! YANBU to want some time alone to adjust to life as a first time mum, it’s exceptional circumstances and if he’s normally good at sharing the parental load with his ex, which it’s sounds like he is, she should really cut him some slack and let yous enjoy these precious moments together. Fair enough if she needed help with childcare, he would need to make alternative arrangements for them but she’s a SAHM, I think she’s just being bitter and jealous.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 11:21

Op said she had a high risk pregnancy, but she did not say there were any emergency complications that were so serious she needed dh to be there for three whole weeks. Obviously some things happen after birth, but given they have all been at home, it doesn't sound a post medical issue to me asofa You are projecting a little.

Many of us have high risk pregnancies and other children to care for, it is not that unusual.

Given they are home, and op says she needs space, she also has a mother that can be involved. At the very least dh should have saved some of his annual leave for his children, especially because there is a new baby on the scene. The way this has been handled is damaging for his children, poor things. This should have been a moment of joy to be shared for all of them, and yet now they have no one to look after them at Easter because he did not think about them.

It is not good enough.

Op should look after her baby with her mum, dh needs to speak to his company and ask for a few days off. End of.

Next holiday needs to be planned with care, with his ex.

malaboi · 29/03/2021 11:23

My husband has just taken 2 weeks paternity and 1 week holiday for the baby and wasn't able to take any more holiday for Easter apart from bank holidays. We usually split some of the holidays where possible with annual leave.

It's too late now but it would have made sense for him to leave a wk for the holidays.

blackcat86 · 29/03/2021 11:24

You need to be very clear with your DH that you are not there as childcare for his DC. His contact time is just that, his. Especially when you have a new baby. If he keeps acting like a prize twat and dumping this on you then pack a bag and go to your mums. You've just had a baby and are caring for a newborn so deserve to be looked after- if your DH just sees you as free childcare then go to your mums and get the time and space you need

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 11:25

I can see you begrudging family holidays next, and christmases with dsc, all the things that should be happy and bring you all closer together. The situation is not a good one that is evolving op.

RedMarauder · 29/03/2021 11:27

@Itsalonghaul they have their own mother to look after them who happens not to work.

And depending on the split of contact - it is very likely it is their contact time with their father.

malaboi · 29/03/2021 11:27

Yup, DH should use his paternity leave for you and the baby not current kids.

It's complicated with subsequent dc though no matter who the parents are.
I had one dc near the summer holidays so DH only took 1 wk paternity & then 2 wks later took another wk & some holiday as I couldn't have managed all 3 of them for the school hols particularly as I had a CS. Even on his paternity weeks his main focus was the other dc.

RedMarauder · 29/03/2021 11:28

@Itsalonghaul now you are the one projecting.

LolaSmiles · 29/03/2021 11:28

You're not unreasonable for feeling a bit down, and you're totally right to be putting your foot down regarding doing childcare for DH when you have a new baby.

However, there's a few issues that ultimately come down to your DH prioritising the new baby over his existing children.

The ex might be a horrible PITA, but the fact she doesn't work is irrelevant. Your husband has 3 children and at the moment he is only seeing 2 of them every other weekend, having taken a week holiday for new baby knowing it means he doesn't see his kids.
He doesn't need to step up in the holidays as a favour to his ex. He needs to because his children deserve continuity in their contact with their dad. He should be looking at unpaid leave if need be, which might annoy you because you may see it as a negative thing for your household and he needs to provide for you/the baby, but he chose to have multiple children and they all need providing for.

malaboi · 29/03/2021 11:29

they have their own mother to look after them who happens not to work

Well in an ideal world the ex would be accommodating to the new baby but she's not obliged to be & her employment status isn't relevant in relation to the dc's time spent with their dad.

slashlover · 29/03/2021 11:32

Fair enough if she needed help with childcare, he would need to make alternative arrangements for them but she’s a SAHM, I think she’s just being bitter and jealous.

It is NOT childcare, it is children seeing their father at a deeply unsettling time for them.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 11:33

It is got nothing to do with the children's mother red and everything to do with dp failing to manage his responsibilities.

Not op's problem
Not ex's problem

It is dp's problem to fix.

MrsHusky · 29/03/2021 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Parky04 · 29/03/2021 11:33

@Fraggle40

I just dont agree with these posts. Poor bloody unwanted kids.. maybe they are keen to visit and see the baby. So quick to jump on the ex its unfair. You took on stepkids, keep them close and bring them inside. They are your family. Its their home too

This. I just don't understand why people start a relationship with a person with kids and then moan about the situation. Your DH needs to step up and start being a proper father to his DC.

ChloeCrocodile · 29/03/2021 11:34

OP, how far away does your mum live, and does she work? You sound like you are really struggling and I think you need to go to her for support. If she's far away could you stay with her part of the week while your DH is at work?

As for the ex and step children - that is not your responsibility. Block her number and tell your DH to get it sorted with her.

Rukaya · 29/03/2021 11:35

if he’s normally good at sharing the parental load with his ex, which it’s sounds like he is

He has them EOW. So thats 2 days for every 12 the mother has them for. Is that sharing the load?

Easterbunnygettingready · 29/03/2021 11:35

Some people don't send dc away when a new baby arrives.... My dh is a sf.. He happily looks after my dc as well as our dc. When my 2 teens wanted to move here ft he went and collected their stuff!! We work together to make our family work. It isn't my dc /your dc...

Tianatiers · 29/03/2021 11:38

OP I absolutely do not think YABU to not want to look after your DHs children while he’s at work when their mother is able to do it and you’ve just had a baby. For your DH and his ex to expect that of you is really, really unfair.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 11:39

Personally I am the kind of person to have factored in first baby difficulties and helped out, had I had been the ex, BUT we have no real understanding of what she has been through, the situation that led to her ex husband having a baby with someone else or her circumstances at all. She could have severe MH difficulties, he could have had an affair with op and left her penniless.

If there is no good will, there may be a very good reason for that, and we can't assume otherwise.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 11:41

Look after yourself op, see this as the red warning you need to take care of yourself, your baby and to not rely on him. He is going to be no different with your baby.

Learn from this, make sure you are self sufficient and become more careful about your future choices. You can't rely on a man that does not remember when he has to look after his own children

LolaSmiles · 29/03/2021 11:43

i'd remember that its hell having a newborn and cut them some slack on this one occasion.

Clearly other moms don't have an ounce of kindness or consideration for other new moms in their heart...
It isn't about a mum cutting another mum some slack though (and I agree anything nasty in messages from the ex in OP's situation was out of order).
It's about a dad making choices that he knows mean he will see less of his children that he only sees 2 days out of 14.
It's not about the ex, it's about the children who are already being shown that dad has a new family that comes first now so their holiday contact gets dropped.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 ··· 27 28