New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

i'd remember that its hell having a newborn and cut them some slack on this one occasion.

So you'd be happy with your kids missing out on seeing their dad because he had a new baby?

If the ex had posted that her ex usually had the kids 50/50 during the holidays but had decided not to because of a new baby then there would be uproar on here.

It's not OPs problem though.

Happinesscomesfromwithin
There's no need to be vile to the OP. She is a new mum who is struggling and has a DP problem who thinks nothing of expecting a woman only a few weeks postpartum to do childcare for his children that he hardly sees.
No need to stick the boot in.

@malaboi

they have their own mother to look after them who happens not to work

Well in an ideal world the ex would be accommodating to the new baby but she's not obliged to be & her employment status isn't relevant in relation to the dc's time spent with their dad.

If their father refuses to have them then she has to look after them.

She cannot force their father to have them when he doesn't want to.

So while you and other mothers, who aren't step-parents who are now posting on here can say he has to have them, the fact is that if he refuses to have them then their mother has to look after them.

Surely it isn't that hard to work out some extra time for him to have the kids. There is a long weekend this week so he could have them Friday Saturday Sunday Monday, then have them the next two weekends. So in 2 weeks holiday he has them 8 days out of 17 so almost 50/50.

I don't know how their holidays work but my GC break up this Thursday and don't go back for just over 2 weeks so that's where I get the 17 days from. I imagine most schools are similar?

But there are 3 adults involved in this, surely the OP considered her position when she took on the role of step parent/mother, those children are now a part of her family, they are deserving of her love and care, they live in her home, they are not exactly a surprise to her are they?

It seems to me that too many people take on a step parent role without any real thought as to what that actually means, these are children, they deserve so much better than this.

Also, what does the op think a mother with 2 children already does after she gives birth to a 3rd? Let them think they are the old boring ones and expect someone else to have them while she tends the shiny new one?

And yes, I believe that if you decide to take on the role of step parent then you DO have a responsibilty towards those children and their health and happiness.

Ideal scenario then? He gives up his job and look after all of his dc... The ex doesn't /won't work. Would the op need to work ft or them all stay home and claim benefits instead?

@Itsalonghaul

I can see you begrudging family holidays next, and christmases with dsc, all the things that should be happy and bring you all closer together. The situation is not a good one that is evolving op.

And you accused me of projecting.

OP - congrats on the baby - it does get easier.

However -
My husband has just taken 2 weeks paternity and 1 week holiday for the baby and wasn't able to take any more holiday for Easter apart from bank holidays. We usually split some of the holidays where possible with annual leave. -
-so the ex is right they have been disadvantaged.

The Easter holidays are part of his normal childcare from what you say - he has ignored that little fact and dumped the whole of the holidays on her.

EOW - is quite frankly pathetic and he needs to up his game

He is quite frankly a not great Dad to 2 of his kids and needs to get his priorities right and that does not include dumping on you.

Irrelevant if she is a SAHM - he needs to parent his children more than he does and consider ALL his children and not prioritise one over the others.

GOod Luck OP - not sure you have picked a prize in the father category.

hopefully your DH doesn't work bank holidays and you can have them Friday & Monday as extras plus the May bank holidays.

If the DH wasn't married he wouldn't be having them during the holidays would he, they'd be in paid for childcare. Perhaps that's an option or extended family IF the DC would like that.

A FTM is vulnerable and struggling - after some births I felt great and could have coped but after my 2nd I felt so unwell and ill and dreadful and no it would have been too much in those first few weeks.

I hope you feel better soon and your DH can arrange some extra contact time with the DC when he is around to spend time with them,

@Happinesscomesfromwithin
Viscous and nasty comment. Well done.
OP, I didn’t want anyone around at 3 weeks PP, it was all about feeding and sleeping - and that was just me! My DH would never have dreamt of dumping his DD on me, especially if her own mother was sitting at home.
Don’t see how the fathers the worst in the world for running out of leave when the mothers apparently sainted even though she’s has failed to financially contribute to her children (unless she’s sitting on a nice big trust fund or something).
Shut out the noise from the ex and your DH dropping the ball, OP. That’s not on you. When your baby is a bigger and more rough and tumble it will be the loveliest thing in the world to see them playing and laughing with their older siblings. That’s what I’ve found, I love it when DSD is here with us and watching her relationship with DS grow

Why can't their mum this one time just have the kids? It's clearly a one off where one holiday can't be exactly 50/50. If she wants OP to be a good step mum, she needs to cut her some slack now in order that the relationship isn't ruined by her insistence.

@asofanearyou
I just think as a family you muck in help out and support each other.
If course its not OPs responsibility to look after dsc , especially now, but in the future they may be an occasion where it works best for the family . Im not advocating it as a regular occurrence, its her DHs responsibility to look after all his DC.
Like it or not dsc are now a huge important part of OPs family, they are are DHs DC and half siblings of her baby, and they need to be thought about. She can't pretend they dont exist and that they have nothing to do with her family.
It really doesn't reflect well on the man OP has chosen to have a baby with, if 50/50 during school holidays is normal arrangement then they should come as normal
He needs to ensure his oldest two children feel loved and wanted, particularly at this really sensitive time. He also needs support OP and realise its not fair for her to look after his older DC. Would have been better if OPs mum could have bridged the gap between paternity leave and easter holidays so OP was supported and there was no childcare issue.
If I was OP I would be asking DH what the childcare plans are for May half term and the summer holidays, not to accept responsibility to sort it out but for my peace of mind and also have some input for dates.

@RedMarauder I agree. If DH has messed up and can't/won't take his children then their mother has to have them. She can't leave them with OP and run.

@Easterbunnygettingready

Ideal scenario then? He gives up his job and look after all of his dc... The ex doesn't /won't work. Would the op need to work ft or them all stay home and claim benefits instead?

Ideal scenario - He didn't take an extra week holiday and instead saved it for the Easter holidays. Going forward, he works out when to take his holidays so it benefits ALL of his kids and when he will have to pay for childcare.

Would it be possible for your DH to speak to the mother of his kids and explain about he time off etc and that he's maybe he should of planned it better but that can't be helped now.

Could you ask her to keep to weekend come at for this water break and you will make up contact perhaps 2 straight weeks in the summer? That way you are more settled and he's got time to sort annual leave?

panda HE needs to step up and fix his mess, not op and not his ex.
Jeez.

@Mrscatbells arrange to go to your mothers for a couple of weeks. You need peace and rest to look after the baby. You Dh and his ex need to sort out minding their own children for easter between themselves - it's not your issue to be involved in or to solve. He doesn't have any right to insist that you don't go to your mothers either. This issue is causing you unnecessary stress so just take yourself out of the picture by going to your mums and let them hash it out.

The kids are your dh's. He shouldn't be passing along unpleasant messages from his ex and I would wonder why he has done?

It looks like he is trying to draw you in as the solution to the fact that he has two young children and no annual leave to take during the holidays.

It is essentially nothing to do with you. He is creating a circus and in your position, I would ask who the show is for. Every parent has to juggle work and school holidays, his situation is no different.

Just tell him that you need time with your baby, and won't be providing childcare for his kids and to not involve you in ex's messages.

@Itsalonghaul

panda HE needs to step up and fix his mess, not op and not his ex. Jeez.

Yes I know and it should never have got to this stage. But if he can't because he has been a bit useless and not planned his time or can't arrange any childcare then the other parent needs to step in, not OP.

OP, I didn’t want anyone around at 3 weeks PP, it was all about feeding and sleeping - and that was just me! My DH would never have dreamt of dumping his DD on me, especially if her own mother was sitting at home.
Don’t see how the fathers the worst in the world for running out of leave when the mothers apparently sainted even though she’s has failed to financially contribute to her children (unless she’s sitting on a nice big trust fund or something).

She's a SAH single mother who probably finds it hard to get work after her crappy ex sees them an average of one day a week and apparently can't be relied on during the holidays.

I did a ctrl+F for "you have a DH problem" and I see MN has already delivered.

This is not your fault, OP - it's your DH's fault for not thinking about the sequence of holiday and the fact that he used up all his leave on you, instead of splitting his time off between you and the baby, and his older kids. He has obligations of time, attention and financial and emotional support towards all his children. And you have to accept that he will not be able to spend as much time with you and the baby as a man who didn't already have children, even if you have high risk pregnancies and medical problems. Them's the breaks with blended families.

It doesn't mean that you have to solve his problem by providing childcare while he is at work though! He needs to square it with his ex.

I'm completely with those who say this is OPs doing and he needs to do his best to sort it out. But if he can't then the best place for his children is with their mother not out on the street/dumped on OP.

I second the 'go to your mums' idea. It takes you out of the equation altogether as a solution to their problems, and they can work it out between them.