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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 29/03/2021 10:55

Op, I found this very hard too when I had my first dd, step kids were 11, 7 and 4. Dh (now ex) wasn’t very supportive and allowed the dc’s to do what ever they wanted, I do let them feed the baby, help change the baby etc but I spent a lot of time for the first 6 months stopping myself from wanting to strangle them. Weekends were a nightmare for a while but it did get easier. My step kids are now all adults and dh is ex dh, I still have some contact with step kids and they now have their own kids.

I can’t say it was easy having a blended family, there were times I didn’t want them there but I tried hard to make them not feel left out. Ex did cause a lot of issues especially with telling stories to the eldest, telling him that we didn’t care about him anymore as we have a baby. Things did settle down and I became friends with the ex.

OverTheRainbow88 · 29/03/2021 10:57

@MrsKeats

Or the ex wants the kids to see their dad regularly
And consistently

Candyfloss99 · 29/03/2021 10:57

OP you need to have boundaries with the ex. Do not communicate with her at all and tell your DP to keep you out of any communication he has with her, this way you won't know if she is bad mouthing you and you don't need to have to stress about his ex at all ever. If he needs to communicate with her he can do it and as soon as she starts being nasty he should disengage completely. All childcare arrangements are for him to sort out not you. Just say no.

YoniAndGuy · 29/03/2021 10:58

And yes would be me looking after the kids while husband is at work.

That is not your responsibility, it is your husband's. The end.

But it sounds as if that is what has been sorted out, so great.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 10:58

Dp either has no backbone whatsoever and couldn't tell op that it was only going to be two weeks, not three because he needs to care for his kids.

Or really didn't care about his kids and the holidays, which really doesn't bode well for your baby op.

Either way he isn't here to say whether he was pushed into a 3 week long paternity break at the expense of his kids, or if just didn't even think about them.

Op, if you have any hope of being a happy blended family you are going to have to dig really deep and accept there will be many compromises. This was your choice to be with a man whom already had a family when you met him.

Fairyliz · 29/03/2021 11:00

It’s the Easter holidays what happened last Easter, doesn’t you DH make arrangements to parent his children for half of the holidays?
That would include taking annual leave/unpaid leave or paying for holiday clubs/childminder or often asking grandparents to childmind.
Looks like you have a DH problem, another man who thinks looking after children is women’s work Angry

jellybellybanana · 29/03/2021 11:00

So the ex doesn't work but wants the op to look after the her kids whilst she has a brand new baby.Not a bloody chance

That's completely missing the point. It has nothing to do with the ex and whether she works or not.
The children are meant to be with their father (who doesn't have then nearly enough anyway). He tries to palm them off on his current woman who now has a baby and doesn't want them. You don't say tough shit to the ex in this situation! You say tough shit the useless man!

MintLampShade · 29/03/2021 11:02

@Christmasfairy2020

Tbh they are nice ages. Baby sleeps and you play with the other children. Dont be that step parent that thinks we have our own children now etc
I'm sorry, what now?! 😂😂😂
I0NA · 29/03/2021 11:03

@Mrscatbells

The ex has been nothing more than horrid to be honest tarnished my experience completely. And yes would be me looking after the kids while husband is at work. My baby isn't sleeping through yet only 3 weeks old. The ex has told us we have to , as older kids are being "unfairly disadvantaged" by our new baby. Im so close to packing my bags and staying with my mum to just get away. But this would break my husbands heart
Just go. Your mother is entitled to see the baby and you need to rest.

If your husband wants to have his kids more then he needs to take time off work to do so. Or go part time, as so many mums do.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 11:05

I feel deeply deeply sorry for the children caught up in the middle of this. What a terrible situation they are in.

MrsKeats · 29/03/2021 11:06

The dad's at work over

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 11:08

@Itsalonghaul

Dp either has no backbone whatsoever and couldn't tell op that it was only going to be two weeks, not three because he needs to care for his kids.

Or really didn't care about his kids and the holidays, which really doesn't bode well for your baby op.

Either way he isn't here to say whether he was pushed into a 3 week long paternity break at the expense of his kids, or if just didn't even think about them.

Op, if you have any hope of being a happy blended family you are going to have to dig really deep and accept there will be many compromises. This was your choice to be with a man whom already had a family when you met him.

At the end of the day, we don't know how the birth went and what about OPs high risk pregnancy led to him taking 3 weeks off. I have had this argument so many times on here, but there were so many complications after the birth of my DD that, had my partner not been self employed, he would have to have taken three weeks off. There wouldn't have been a choice.

I know people are offended by the principle of the ex needing to be accommodating due to the birth of a baby, but in reality common sense needs to be applied. He has had them 50:50, outside of the contact arrangement, for months. She is a SAHM so does not need childcare for these holidays. Given that he's obviously had them for more than an extra 5 days over the past few months, it's really not the end of the world scenario people are making out if he has to arrange the Easter holidays so he only has them on the days he can get off work, most likely the weekend.

malaboi · 29/03/2021 11:09

Surely there is joint care over the holidays. Why is your husband expecting you to do it. He needs to arrange childcare

DropDTuning · 29/03/2021 11:09

@Itsalonghaul I feel like that reading so many of these threads. And the experiences of those who grew up in families like this.

It's always so nice to read the very rare posts from those who have a good relationship with their step-parents/step-children, but sadly so rare.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 29/03/2021 11:09

[quote RedMarauder]@GinaJaffacake

You need to think how this is going to work moving forward. If he’s planning to take 2wks off during school summer holidays then they need to be spent with his older children too.

No her husband needs to think how it is going to work going forward.

They are all his children. Only one is her child.

Stop putting it on women to police the father of their children.

Stop abusing vulnerable woman just because she happens to be a step-mother.[/quote]
Definitely. This is for the husband to resolve, not the OP.

I'm a bit disgusted at so many women, many of whom will have been at the newborn stage themselves, ignoring that OP is struggling with emotions as a new mum and who has this to contend with also. So many women wanting to put OP in her 'place'. Ugh.

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 11:09

[quote KurtWilde]@aSofaNearYou they're his children. If they normally spend 50:50 of the holidays with him then that's what should happen. They're probably already feeling sidelined for the new baby and a new baby in the house is not a medical emergency. The BIRTH might've been, but that was 3 weeks ago now. Appropriate thought should've gone into him seeing his existing DC over Easter. And their mother's situation as a sahm is irrelevant to him having a proper relationship with his DC. [/quote]
Recovery times after birth vary enormously.

thebabessavedme · 29/03/2021 11:11

This sounds like a tale of 3 adults who all, quite frankly, need to grow the fuck up, in between all this, 'annual leave', 'hard pregancy', 'its your turn to have them' shit are 2 little kids who have been given the shitty end of the stick, as adults you all need to put aside the petty carry on and actually have a meeting to sort this all out before the children get much older and realise they are seen as a pain in the arse to all 3 of you for varying reasons.

poor little souls.

GinaJaffacake · 29/03/2021 11:11

@RedMarauder, of course the dynamic is different, that’s my point. The OP’s SC are not her childcare responsibilities in any way so I don’t see what pressure you think I’m putting her under. However, the fact remains that whilst this baby is her first, it isn’t his first. He doesn’t get to devote every minute to his wife and newborn as he also has older children just like my DH couldn’t devote his time to me and our newborn when we were on our 3rd. So whilst the OP doesn’t need to devote any headspace to childcare arrangements for the older two she does need to think how it’s all going to affect her and her husband’s third child.

GinaJaffacake · 29/03/2021 11:13

That final sentence should read, her first child but her husband’s third.

malaboi · 29/03/2021 11:14

I think I live in a parallel universe sometimes.
So the ex doesn't work but wants the op to look after the her kids whilst she has a brand new baby.

You probably do, the exW's employment status isn't actually relevant. The OP shouldn't have to look after her SC with a baby. The father of those dc needs to step up.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 29/03/2021 11:15

@diwrnachoflleyn

That's for her and your h to sort out but he needs to actually parent his kids whilst they're there.
Absolutely. If he isn’t going to be around, they won’t be able to come.
aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 11:15

@thebabessavedme

This sounds like a tale of 3 adults who all, quite frankly, need to grow the fuck up, in between all this, 'annual leave', 'hard pregancy', 'its your turn to have them' shit are 2 little kids who have been given the shitty end of the stick, as adults you all need to put aside the petty carry on and actually have a meeting to sort this all out before the children get much older and realise they are seen as a pain in the arse to all 3 of you for varying reasons.

poor little souls.

You mean 2 adults? It's not OPs problem. But yes let's sit a post partum mum up for a "meeting" about someone else's kids, perhaps she can do it during the oh so useful naps people on here think will allow her to merrily care for two young (apparetly very easy) children.
Alsohuman · 29/03/2021 11:15

She is a SAHM so does not need childcare for these holidays

Contact isn’t childcare. When would most people ensure that contact isn’t reduced? That’s right, just after the birth of a new baby when the older children are likely to feel insecure and it’s imperative that they don’t feel pushed out. So what goes their idiot father do? Arrange his leave so he’s at work for the whole of the Easter holidays. OP could have gone to her mum’s for that third week or had her to stay.

malaboi · 29/03/2021 11:16

@GinaJaffacake that's a good point actually & that dynamic does tend to happen with subsequent dc.

Rukaya · 29/03/2021 11:17

You mean 2 adults? It's not OPs problem

It is though. Not nearly as much as the other adults, but its still her problem too. She picked a man with 2 kids to father her baby, she can't suddenly say its nothing at all to do with her.
He needs to step up and sort it. But it's naive to suggest its not her problem at all....clearly its a very big problem or else she wouldn;'t be posting here.