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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:

Alsohuman · 29/03/2021 10:22

Why do women have kids with men who have already proven themselves to be shit dads? I really don't get it

Nor do I. In fact I don’t understand why women have kids with men who are already fathers at all. Is there a dearth of childless men out there?

It’s telling that OP spending a few days with her mum would “break his heart” yet he’s fine with not seeing his older kids. He’s got a pretty selective heart.

GinaJaffacake · 29/03/2021 10:22

@fruitbrewhaha

It's really not for you to worry about. Let your DH sort out his ex. If she has your number and is messaging you, tell her she needs to contact dh and should only use your number in an emergency, and that if she keeps messaging you will block her.

Tell DH, no to any extra for the next few months. You are exhausted, and need the house to yourself. You don't need to be getting dressed and entertaining his kids when you've had no sleep etc. But that should change in time for the summer holidays.

He can off course take them for an afternoon to go for a walk, or something. Bit difficult with lockdown but there's no reason he cant see them for a bit more contact. Just not bringing them home.

I complete disagree with the sentiment that the OP should have the house to herself. Yes, she’s just given birth and she’s shattered so in no way should she be expected to look after her SC. However, it’s utterly ridiculous to suggest that her husband only sees his children elsewhere for the next few months. When it’s his contact time, he should be there but so should his older children. He’s as much their father as he is the newborn’s. It’s their father’s home therefore it’s their home. This is the one bit of step parenting which is no negotiable for the OP. We all want the house to ourselves with a newborn; to not have anyone else staying or needing attention but unfortunately if you’ve married a man who already has children, you miss out on that bit. But again, at no point and in no way should the OP be expected to care for her SC without her husband being there.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 10:25

He sounds totally useless and not up to the job at all.

Sorry op, but you might need to prepare for many more years of him trying to saddle you with the job of looking after all dc. I would be looking long term to work and organise your own care for your baby. This has all the hallmarks of a man that has found an easy, convenient and cheap childcare option for his dc. You are going to need to put your foot down, and be firm. His kids, his responsibility.

jellybellybanana · 29/03/2021 10:25

It’s telling that OP spending a few days with her mum would “break his heart” yet he’s fine with not seeing his older kids. He’s got a pretty selective heart

Isn't it? I predict the older children will be seen less and less at their fathers house now that their stepmother has a baby of her own. He can't be fucked to look after them himself, so when she won't...buh-bye kids.
Happens all the time.

FreakinFrankNFurter · 29/03/2021 10:25

Congratulations on your new baby.

You ANBU but your husband is certainly BU.

Why does he think he has the right to go sorry ex-wife I’ve used all my leave for the moment so the holidays are your problem.

He should have saved a week for Easter holidays, so he can spend time with all three kids - he’d have only had to go back to work for a week between paternity leave and the holidays. If he couldn’t take the time off then he could have paid for holiday club for the kids, the same as everyone else has to.

Why should he make decisions about taking leave which only suit his new family with absolutely no regard for his older children?! He didn’t even have the decency to discuss it in advance with his ex to see if they could swap things around a bit in terms of holidays

Because he doesn’t see the older kids as his equal responsibility. Ex wife is default parent who has to pick up his slack and he will have the kids when it is convenient

Easterbunnygettingready · 29/03/2021 10:25

Isn't the df a bit screwed here (and others like him)..? If the ex and him had stayed together she would have helped juggle her own dc... Especially if she doesn't work. After all it's his wage that the family live on-now he has another family who his dw and him juggle child care for while he works to support that household.. But that dw isn't expected to juggle dc which aren't hers.. Expect those dc are her dc's siblings and she also enjoys the wage.... But the ex won't juggle her dc now but still enjoys the wage.. What is the ideal plan for the df? Remove his dc from what surely should be their home also to and send to a childminder /play scheme while their sibling stays put.. Talk about making a divide.... And when df's money is eaten up with child care won't both women complain?

KurtWilde · 29/03/2021 10:26

@aSofaNearYou they're his children. If they normally spend 50:50 of the holidays with him then that's what should happen. They're probably already feeling sidelined for the new baby and a new baby in the house is not a medical emergency. The BIRTH might've been, but that was 3 weeks ago now. Appropriate thought should've gone into him seeing his existing DC over Easter. And their mother's situation as a sahm is irrelevant to him having a proper relationship with his DC.

Howshouldibehave · 29/03/2021 10:29

It’s telling that OP spending a few days with her mum would “break his heart” yet he’s fine with not seeing his older kids. He’s got a pretty selective heart

Yes, definitely!

Christmasfairy2020 · 29/03/2021 10:30

@aSofaNearYou 6 and 9 is easy.

I've got my 6 year old watching barbie in living room playing on roblox with her 11 year old sister on tiktok in her room with Harry potter on. Meanwhile I'm working from home in the kitchen. Easy.

everybodysang · 29/03/2021 10:30

oh this is so hard for you.

The feelings are absolutely normal. My stepkids were a very similar age when my DD was born, just a touch older. I struggled so much with how I felt about them being around. And, like you, I wouldn't have dreamed of letting them know how I felt!!! I worked hard to make them feel included and loved and pushed my strange feelings right down inside myself. Looking back, it's really easy to see that it was just crazy post-birth hormones coming into play but at the time I was desperately worried about how I felt. I think I might even have posted on here about it. (The stepkids are now 18 and 21 so it's a bit hazy!)

BUT the big difference was, we kept to 'normal' contact as much as we could (I think we had them for an extra weekend as DD was in NICU post-birth and we didn't get home for quite a while so we missed a weekend). And their mum dropped them off and picked them up, which she didn't normally do - DH usually picked them up, so that he didn't have to be away for the two-hour round trip, and she sent them in with a lovely present for the baby from her. And that was that.

Your DH needs to step up.

ThatPoster · 29/03/2021 10:30

While I agree that the OP should be left out of this, if I was the exW, I would be absolutely furious that my children's father took a week's annual leave out of school holidays leaving me to bear the brunt.

I'd also be angry on my children's behalf because he is ignoring them and their needs. Sorry OP, but he should have taken his leave in the Easter holidays.

This will only get harder for you - he needs to treat all of his 3 children the same. If you are struggling, visit your mum, or get her to visit.

Your H really has been really unreasonable.

Beautiful3 · 29/03/2021 10:32

No that's not right of her to ask you to look after the step children while their fathers at work. You should be resting as your baby is only 3 weeks old. Contact time while your husbands home is fine but not otherwise.

RedMarauder · 29/03/2021 10:32

So @GinaJaffacake you are offering the OP the benefit of your experience but you aren't a step-mother?

What you are failing to show empathy for is the dynamic is completely different when you aren't the mother of your partner's/husband's children, and you are actually putting a lot of pressure on the OP.

RedMarauder · 29/03/2021 10:35

@aSofaNearYou this is now the kick the new vulnerable mother thread because she is a step-mother.

MrsKeats · 29/03/2021 10:36

I think I live in a parallel universe sometimes.
So the ex doesn't work but wants the op to look after the her kids whilst she has a brand new baby.
Not a bloody chance.

RedMarauder · 29/03/2021 10:37

@Christmasfairy2020 that really depends on the individual child whether they are easy to deal with at a particular age or not.

Alsohuman · 29/03/2021 10:38

[quote RedMarauder]@aSofaNearYou this is now the kick the new vulnerable mother thread because she is a step-mother.[/quote]
No, it’s the kick the father of three children who is incapable of planning his time sensibly thread. If he’d saved the third week he had off for the Easter holidays there wouldn’t be an issue.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 29/03/2021 10:39

“I’m struggling.”

Enough said OP. You are not childcare, especially at the moment.

DropDTuning · 29/03/2021 10:42

@jellybellybanana HE only has them 2 days out of every 14, already, and now they are being further ditched as he has a new baby. Why do women have kids with men who have already proven themselves to be shit dads? I really don't get it.

Absolutely this.

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 10:44

[quote Christmasfairy2020]@aSofaNearYou 6 and 9 is easy.

I've got my 6 year old watching barbie in living room playing on roblox with her 11 year old sister on tiktok in her room with Harry potter on. Meanwhile I'm working from home in the kitchen. Easy.[/quote]
Haha well I dread to think what my SS will be like when he's not in this "easy" bracket then, because right now he's incredibly hard work.

Jubilate · 29/03/2021 10:44

Oh no, I completely feel for you. What you feel is completely natural (to be honest I wanted to ship my own older child away when I had my second baby, it's all just too much). I recall crying on a park bench because my FIL was due to visit that night and I just couldn't face having other people in the house.

Your husband needs to take time off to look after his older children if he feels that is a priority. Alternatively, nobody decent will judge you for staying with your folks for a few days after giving birth to your first baby. I believe I also did it! It's natural to need to feel cocooned and protected.

Your partners ex is likely to make up her own mind about you and your baby and your relationship regardless of whether you take her kids over Easter or not. So please, don't sacrifice your boundaries for her.

KurtWilde · 29/03/2021 10:47

[quote RedMarauder]@aSofaNearYou this is now the kick the new vulnerable mother thread because she is a step-mother.[/quote]
No, this is an 'OP has a DH who hasn't considered his responsibilities to his existing DC' thread. I think the majority here have said this shouldn't be OPs problem and if he'd figured it out properly this thread wouldn't even exist! Unless OP asked him to take the entire 3 weeks for her recovery, in which case that's a bit unreasonable. But it's still down to her DH to either say no, or work out other arrangements for the holidays.

Beamur · 29/03/2021 10:49

I disagree. People aren't having a go at her because she's a step parent. She's posted, asking if her feelings are normal. Lots of people have sympathised but as the story unfolds, it doesn't really reflect terribly well on her DH and to a lesser extent on her.
I've been in the same position as the OP and being a blended family is sometimes difficult and you have to make compromises. When your baby has step siblings you don't get to have the same experience as if your baby was the first for you and your partner. If you want your family - in the widest sense- to be a happy one, you have to dig deep in your emotional and financial reserves.
My SC were incredibly excited to have a baby around and I came home from hospital to it being their contact time. You really have got to take on board that the children should be equally important to their Dad and the contact time is not to give their Mum a break, but is really important for the children and it should be important to their Dad too.

Wnikat · 29/03/2021 10:51

Can’t your husband book his kids into holiday club while he works like everyone else has to?

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 10:51

@MrsKeats

I think I live in a parallel universe sometimes. So the ex doesn't work but wants the op to look after the her kids whilst she has a brand new baby. Not a bloody chance.

Quite.

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