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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 30/03/2021 11:34

Well I'd be concerned if my husband decided to drop another woman in it, and not see his children properly for the weekend. Though I'd also be concerned that he seems to have forgotten that he's supposed to have them for a week at Easter.

It's not her responsibility at all, but surely it would set off some alarm bells in your head that he's not a very committed dad.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 11:35

@Babyboomtastic

Well I'd be concerned if my husband decided to drop another woman in it, and not see his children properly for the weekend. Though I'd also be concerned that he seems to have forgotten that he's supposed to have them for a week at Easter.

It's not her responsibility at all, but surely it would set off some alarm bells in your head that he's not a very committed dad.

No because I'd take everything into consideration not just one instance. Like a normal person.
Alsohuman · 30/03/2021 11:41

Sorry, why does op need to be concerned?

Most women would hear alarm bells if her husband exhibited behaviour that indicated he was a rubbish father, wouldn’t they? One of the most attractive things about my bloke was his commitment to his kids, inconvenient though it was at times.

DropDTuning · 30/03/2021 11:44

@Alsohuman Yes, 100%. I wouldn't just be worried about my own potential future, I actively wouldn't want to be with someone who so clearly found his own children disposable/optional/inconvenient.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 11:51

@Alsohuman

Sorry, why does op need to be concerned?

Most women would hear alarm bells if her husband exhibited behaviour that indicated he was a rubbish father, wouldn’t they? One of the most attractive things about my bloke was his commitment to his kids, inconvenient though it was at times.

Would they? Once? After he's 50/50 homeschooled them for months whilst working when mum doesn't work? Or would they weigh it up on balance and write it off?

Deciding he is a shit dad based on one, let's face it, out of character decision, is extreme.

Do you make decisions on everyone based on one thing alone or do you take into consideration their actions over a longer period of time?

Rukaya · 30/03/2021 11:54

Do you make decisions on everyone based on one thing alone or do you take into consideration their actions over a longer period of time?

The longer period of time is that he has them EOW. The one off was having them 50:50 (which doesn't make him a saint, as you seem to think, its what he should be doing)

aSofaNearYou · 30/03/2021 11:55

*Would they? Once? After he's 50/50 homeschooled them for months whilst working when mum doesn't work? Or would they weigh it up on balance and write it off?

Deciding he is a shit dad based on one, let's face it, out of character decision, is extreme.

Do you make decisions on everyone based on one thing alone or do you take into consideration their actions over a longer period of time?*

Completely agree. I know it's common to be a bit black and white online but seriously, no I would not assume my partner had proven themselves to be a crap father because of this one incident.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 11:58

@Rukaya

Do you make decisions on everyone based on one thing alone or do you take into consideration their actions over a longer period of time?

The longer period of time is that he has them EOW. The one off was having them 50:50 (which doesn't make him a saint, as you seem to think, its what he should be doing)

Again, I'll ask you, do you think that was his decision?

If so, what makes you think that?

I was using the home schooling as an example that this is somewhat out of character, I never suggested it made him a saint for fucks sake.

It is clear that it doesn't matter what he does you think it's not good enough.

The mum however can't do any wrong clearly.

Babyboomtastic · 30/03/2021 12:11

Well it's not one instance is it?

It's cancelling the kids Easter week with their dad, because he used it up with the new baby AND for the weekend contact before, saying that he'll only have them in the day and drop them off at their mums at night.

If for whatever reason, as a parent you couldn't have the week at Easter, wouldn't you move heaven and earth to make sure that the paltry weekend contact did go ahead at least. Especially when there's a new baby on the scene and the children probably could do with the extra reassurance.

MrsHusky · 30/03/2021 12:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pumpkyumpkyumpkin · 30/03/2021 12:21

Sounds to me like the DH has shown a lot of flexibility to his ex while he can with the 50/50, homeschooling etc, esp given she doesn’t work, and perhaps he was hoping / assuming she’d show him the same for a while when the new baby was born and he and OP get into their stride. A lot of my friends, both RPs and NRPs have had all sorts of ad-hoc changes to contact schedules the last year, nothing is set in stone any more. Simple miscommunication perhaps – the DM assumed the previous arrangement re hols would stand, he assumed it wouldn’t because none of the other arrangements have due to covid, and they didn’t discuss. Perhaps he’s already taken leave this year to look after the kids that he hasn’t in previous years, who knows. Did he continue maintenance for the months he had the kids 50/50, who knows. Is he otherwise an excellent and committed dad who is just failing a bit to manage the logistics of his changed / increased responsibilities, who knows. Is OP struggling a bit more than she’s indicated here, and he’s worried about her and wants to be with her, who knows.

Doesn’t make him a shit dad as so many posters seem keen to label him – perhaps a not very organised one, or one that doesn’t communicate well, but there is so much vitriol on this thread towards him which is totally unnecessary IMO. #bekind doesn't just apply to women!

And poor fucking show for the DM to harass OP when she’s a vulnerable new mum, and absolutely not the one that’s caused the problem in the first place. That kind of shit is where the ‘psycho ex’ label comes from that so many people object to.

Tiredoftattler · 30/03/2021 12:24

The thing about having a baby is that they don't just pop up and then pop out. Nature gives you 9 months to plan and anticipate. Many people decorate nurseries, buy baby clothes, cook and store family meals in advance, pack a bag to take to the hospital, etc. In his case. with 9 months advance notice and having experienced 2 prior births , the OP 's husband could not be troubled to make plans for his 2 existing children.

With 9 months lead time to plan, it is hard to excuse or justify this as an over sight. A oversight is forgetting to stop the mail or newspaper delivery when you go on vacation. Forgetting to plan for your children is not an oversight or likely a one-time occurrence.

Even the solution, the wife going to stay with her mom, is a solution that the wife had to effect. It was not the dad who came up with this late stage so!Union.
The best advice for the OP is to learn from this experience , and to plan on having to be and become the effective decision maker as relates to her child.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 12:33

@Babyboomtastic

Well it's not one instance is it?

It's cancelling the kids Easter week with their dad, because he used it up with the new baby AND for the weekend contact before, saying that he'll only have them in the day and drop them off at their mums at night.

If for whatever reason, as a parent you couldn't have the week at Easter, wouldn't you move heaven and earth to make sure that the paltry weekend contact did go ahead at least. Especially when there's a new baby on the scene and the children probably could do with the extra reassurance.

It really is one instance.

Paltry weekend contact - again, who's decision do you think that was?

It's funny, nobody will answer that.

MrsHusky · 30/03/2021 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiredoftattler · 30/03/2021 12:43

Why is the helping with his children's virtual schooling viewed as some sort of favor to the mom? Don't most of us expect the father's to be as involved, concerned, and invested in a child,'s education as the mom? My ex is never doing a favor for me when he is doing something with or for our mutual children , and anything that I do for my children is for them and not a favor for him

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 12:46

@Tiredoftattler

Why is the helping with his children's virtual schooling viewed as some sort of favor to the mom? Don't most of us expect the father's to be as involved, concerned, and invested in a child,'s education as the mom? My ex is never doing a favor for me when he is doing something with or for our mutual children , and anything that I do for my children is for them and not a favor for him
Ooh because he works full time and she doesn't work at all?

I don't know about you but if I didn't work I would be expecting to do the home schooling because that is fair.

If you are a sahm you pull your weight in other ways, no?

Basically she can do no wrong, he can do no right.

MrsHusky · 30/03/2021 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ancientgran · 30/03/2021 12:49

@MrsHusky

love how people are running with the 'he already hardly ever see's them' narrative when the OP has said that had them 50% of the time over lockdown while her DH was WFH, and that they were also homeschooling them.

Ex has had plenty of 'time off'

Wish i was so lucky, my ex has all next week off and has offered to have them for 1 extra day after they've been home with me for practically the last year, other than 4 nights a month... gee, thanks.

I thought she said he did 50/50 with the home schooling. I don't think that automatically means he had them 50% of the time. He might have had them a couple of hours a day.
ancientgran · 30/03/2021 12:52

This is what she said, "Kids where off pretty much Jan- March my husband home schooled 50:50 as he was working from home.* So he might have had them 50/50 but not necessarily.

KurtWilde · 30/03/2021 12:52

There's a lot of ex bashing on this thread. Just because she's a sahm doesn't mean she doesn't deserve child free time. In fact doing 99% of the work on a daily basis she'll look forward to her child free time very much. It's no excuse for harassing OP but I'd hazard a guess that the DHs existing children - one of whom is still very small - have feelings and are feeling sidelined and unsure and that's why she's being so reactive to the situation. Again, not excusing her, but certainly attempting to understand her.

I've been both women in this scenario, and also the small child with a brand new step sibling. It's hard not to project. But I do know that when I was a step mum I absolutely felt responsible for those children, just like a foster parent would. It's the role you've taken on and it was important to me to let their birth mum know they were loved and welcomed n our home. Of course I didn't love them as much as my own children, and sometimes I did the parenting while their dad worked because that's how life works some times.

The DH and OP and ex had 9 months to figure this out. The DH has sidelined his existing kids, the EX has been very reactive, and OP knew what she was taking on when she married and chose to have a child with a man who already had kids. Don't take on the role of step PARENT if you're not willing to, you know, PARENT when needs be,,seeing as it's right there in the 'job description'.

I do hope you get some lovely tlc from your parents, OP, I hope the ex stops harassing you, and I also hope the DH gets his act together by the next school holidays.

MrsHusky · 30/03/2021 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 12:52

@KurtWilde

There's a lot of ex bashing on this thread. Just because she's a sahm doesn't mean she doesn't deserve child free time. In fact doing 99% of the work on a daily basis she'll look forward to her child free time very much. It's no excuse for harassing OP but I'd hazard a guess that the DHs existing children - one of whom is still very small - have feelings and are feeling sidelined and unsure and that's why she's being so reactive to the situation. Again, not excusing her, but certainly attempting to understand her.

I've been both women in this scenario, and also the small child with a brand new step sibling. It's hard not to project. But I do know that when I was a step mum I absolutely felt responsible for those children, just like a foster parent would. It's the role you've taken on and it was important to me to let their birth mum know they were loved and welcomed n our home. Of course I didn't love them as much as my own children, and sometimes I did the parenting while their dad worked because that's how life works some times.

The DH and OP and ex had 9 months to figure this out. The DH has sidelined his existing kids, the EX has been very reactive, and OP knew what she was taking on when she married and chose to have a child with a man who already had kids. Don't take on the role of step PARENT if you're not willing to, you know, PARENT when needs be,,seeing as it's right there in the 'job description'.

I do hope you get some lovely tlc from your parents, OP, I hope the ex stops harassing you, and I also hope the DH gets his act together by the next school holidays.

She will get child free time 9-3 five days a week won't she? And then eow.
Alsohuman · 30/03/2021 12:55

Paltry weekend contact - again, who's decision do you think that was?

OP’s told us whose decision it was. It was her bloke who thinks taking the kids for the day and dropping them back overnight for Easter was a good idea. Someone who can’t/won’t look after two of his three kids for four days and three nights, having fucked up the Easter holidays, is a pretty rubbish parent in my book. Perhaps my standards are too high.

MrsHusky · 30/03/2021 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 12:57

And the shit about "don't take on the role unless you're going to parent"

I guess the ex in your situation is nice?

Because if they're not it's not that's simple.

Dps ex wouldn't tolerate me actually parenting dss.
Not unless she needed me to look after him when dp was at work, or she wanted money.

She complained if I even asked him to move his rubbish after he'd eaten in my house for fucks sake. You cannot parent in that scenario.

When he moved in with us I parented but I ignored his ex and I could because he was living with us, but a child visiting eow is very hard to "parent" in my experience.

Plus, they have two parents and I dont believe they always need a third. A friendly adult is usually sufficient.