New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

@Tiredoftattler

An interesting aside to this thought provoking situation is how much the OP and the ex have in common.

Both women chose to become involved with a man who seems incapable of making appropriate decisions and managing his personal responsibilities. Both women chose to have children with him, and when things go south because of his failure to handle the situations adequately , both women choose to blame the other woman rather than placing the blame where it truly belongs.

I think op is rightly pissed off about the wife abusing her.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Your DH needs to step up and parent all his children. EOW is barely anything. They are his responsibility as much as the ex.

If he couldn't deal he should have thought of that before he had another child.

What makes you think EOW was his choice?

You knew he had kids when your got with him, you'll have to make them feel part of the family. I have 2 older (the same ages) and when we had our baby they were an absolute life savers. Get them involved helping passing nappies or getting clothes, they might be more help than not. Give them a chance.

The ex needs to think of her own dc and their relationship with the new sibling. She can smooth their path or complicate things.
She probably feels very protective towards her dc atm, understandably but she's not helping them atm imo.

Tbh her main concern is probably keeping a roof over her DC's head and food on the table. I imagine her maintenance payments are going down as a result of her ex having another child and she is being expected to pay extra for holiday childcare when he has used up all of his holiday on a new DC. He has his children EOW, he needs to pick up the slack and take some responsibility for all of his children.

2 separate issues. It's natural to feel like this when your baby is tiny, but dont vocalise it , it passes very quickly and its lovely to see the bond growing between siblings.
Your husband on the other hand needs to stop having kids if he cant cope with them . Sorry but he should not get time off from looking after his older kids just because he has a new baby , that's not their problem or his ex's.

@PomegranateQueen

The ex needs to think of her own dc and their relationship with the new sibling. She can smooth their path or complicate things. She probably feels very protective towards her dc atm, understandably but she's not helping them atm imo.

Tbh her main concern is probably keeping a roof over her DC's head and food on the table. I imagine her maintenance payments are going down as a result of her ex having another child and she is being expected to pay extra for holiday childcare when he has used up all of his holiday on a new DC. He has his children EOW, he needs to pick up the slack and take some responsibility for all of his children.

She can't be that concerned if she doesn't work. She doesn't need holiday childcare. Maintenance goes down a tiny % for an extra child living in the nrps home.

The Dad has made one mistake as he adjusts to having a new baby! Yes it's a big one but who hasn't made a mistake!

She's thrown a massive temper tantrum because she won't get a week off?
HER week off. Why such harsh judgement withoit knowing the circumstances? We read enough on MN how hard it is to be a SAHM never getting a break and how mums are desperate for their kids to go back to school. They get all sympathy and understanding, but here, they are just having tantrums.

And that's assuming she doesn't even have very valid plans or reasons to need that week off, the one she had every right to assume she's have without her kids.

If the kids end up going to hissy clubs, it's because of their dad, not their mum. Their dad who prioritized an extra week off to spend with OP and new baby rather than taking it when he could look after everyone.

@dontdisturbmenow

She's thrown a massive temper tantrum because she won't get a week off? HER week off. Why such harsh judgement withoit knowing the circumstances? We read enough on MN how hard it is to be a SAHM never getting a break and how mums are desperate for their kids to go back to school. They get all sympathy and understanding, but here, they are just having tantrums.

And that's assuming she doesn't even have very valid plans or reasons to need that week off, the one she had every right to assume she's have without her kids.

If the kids end up going to hissy clubs, it's because of their dad, not their mum. Their dad who prioritized an extra week off to spend with OP and new baby rather than taking it when he could look after everyone.

She should have thought about that before she had a baby/split up with dad.

(I don't really think this but stepmums get "you should have thought about this before you had a baby all the time)

The Dad has made one mistake as he adjusts to having a new baby! Yes it's a big one but who hasn't made a mistake!
A mistake? How convenient! So next summer, when the ex is not home when the kids go back and it turns out she's gone on holiday so OP and OH have to keep the kids for another week, will you say that it's ok she's just made a mistake! You don't make mistakes like that!

She should have thought about that before she had a baby/split up with dad
Oh, isn't that as low as exes telling SMs that they should have thought about getting together with a man with kids? Sounds just the same to me!

Why are you so incline to excuse the action of a pathetic father who couldn't sort out his own basic parental responsibities?

She should have thought about that before she had a baby/split up with dad
Haha sorry missed that part. I've never said that, so shouldn't apply to my posts. Both are wrong.

@dontdisturbmenow

The Dad has made one mistake as he adjusts to having a new baby! Yes it's a big one but who hasn't made a mistake! A mistake? How convenient! So next summer, when the ex is not home when the kids go back and it turns out she's gone on holiday so OP and OH have to keep the kids for another week, will you say that it's ok she's just made a mistake! You don't make mistakes like that!

She should have thought about that before she had a baby/split up with dad
Oh, isn't that as low as exes telling SMs that they should have thought about getting together with a man with kids? Sounds just the same to me!

Why are you so incline to excuse the action of a pathetic father who couldn't sort out his own basic parental responsibities?

I'm saying he's made one (major) mistake but that's no reason for OP to question the wisdom of her leaving her child with him.

And your second point was my point.. it is as silly to say it about the ex as it is a step mum.

@dontdisturbmenow

The Dad has made one mistake as he adjusts to having a new baby! Yes it's a big one but who hasn't made a mistake! A mistake? How convenient! So next summer, when the ex is not home when the kids go back and it turns out she's gone on holiday so OP and OH have to keep the kids for another week, will you say that it's ok she's just made a mistake! You don't make mistakes like that!

She should have thought about that before she had a baby/split up with dad
Oh, isn't that as low as exes telling SMs that they should have thought about getting together with a man with kids? Sounds just the same to me!

Why are you so incline to excuse the action of a pathetic father who couldn't sort out his own basic parental responsibities?

Why are you so inclined to defend the ex who must me desperate for a week off when she doesn't even work!

Yeah being a sahm is hard but not when both your children are school age ffs.

Why are you so inclined to defend the ex who must me desperate for a week off when she doesn't even work!
Why are you so quick to ALEWAYS assume the worse of exes.

SAHM have lives too. They do make plans that involves not having kids around them when they can rightly expect them not to be there.

I could throw back the same and say that whatever the pregnancy complications, looking after a newborn is tough but needing your OH there with you for 3 weeks, ffs! But I don't, because we don't know her issues and why she needed her OH by her side that extra week.

Why can't you accept that father who doesn't make arrangements during HIS time and just expect the ex to make up for it is just a shit parent?

She can't be that concerned if she doesn't work. She doesn't need holiday childcare

You don't know that. You have no idea what she was planning on doing with that time. You also don't know whether or not she's looking for work or trying to re-train or anything else.

I learnt very early on in my split with the ex that he would sabotage anything and everything I tried to do without him - whether that was get a part time job to fit around him having the children, or go out with friends, or away for the weekend. In the beginning, I believed he would be reasonable - he was living with the OW and having a great life after all, no reason to butt into mine - and so was open and honest with 'I've just been offered a job but you will need to have them every Saturday if I am to take it'. Every time he would say 'no problem' and every Saturday there would be a reason why he couldn't. Took a while but eventually I just stopped mentioning anything at all and put paid childcare in place to cover work. So he now has no idea what I do with my time. Just as you - or the OP - have no idea whatsoever what the ex does with her time.

@dontdisturbmenow

Why are you so inclined to defend the ex who must me desperate for a week off when she doesn't even work! Why are you so quick to ALEWAYS assume the worse of exes.

SAHM have lives too. They do make plans that involves not having kids around them when they can rightly expect them not to be there.

I could throw back the same and say that whatever the pregnancy complications, looking after a newborn is tough but needing your OH there with you for 3 weeks, ffs! But I don't, because we don't know her issues and why she needed her OH by her side that extra week.

Why can't you accept that father who doesn't make arrangements during HIS time and just expect the ex to make up for it is just a shit parent?

I don't need to assume the worst, she is literally harrasing op. Nice people don't harrass others do they?

One incident doesn't make him a shit parent. I've already said what I think he should have done. I don't agree with what he's done, again, I've said that. But one incident doesn't make someone a shit parent. It's funny because you want me to give the harrasing ex the benefit of the doubt but you've declared dad a shit parent based on literally one thing. It's laughable.

@EnoughnowIthink

She can't be that concerned if she doesn't work. She doesn't need holiday childcare

You don't know that. You have no idea what she was planning on doing with that time. You also don't know whether or not she's looking for work or trying to re-train or anything else.

I learnt very early on in my split with the ex that he would sabotage anything and everything I tried to do without him - whether that was get a part time job to fit around him having the children, or go out with friends, or away for the weekend. In the beginning, I believed he would be reasonable - he was living with the OW and having a great life after all, no reason to butt into mine - and so was open and honest with 'I've just been offered a job but you will need to have them every Saturday if I am to take it'. Every time he would say 'no problem' and every Saturday there would be a reason why he couldn't. Took a while but eventually I just stopped mentioning anything at all and put paid childcare in place to cover work. So he now has no idea what I do with my time. Just as you - or the OP - have no idea whatsoever what the ex does with her time.

I don't but she's got two school age kids and doesn't work. If she was concerned about cash the obvious answer is to work isn't it. You can't not work and then complain you're strapped for cash because your ex has lowered his maintenance by a few quid a month when you choose not to work and therefore don't financially support your own children.

If he has the kids eow what exactly is stopping her getting a job? She can just pay for childcare like the rest of the world does?

He has made a mistake. And he should sort it out. But if he can't I don't think it's beneficial to the SC for mum to say I don't care it's your problem OP will have to take them. It sends a message to the children that when dad messes up mum isn't there either.

If mum has plans that cannot be moved eg. Job/caring for someone/hospital then I would feel a bit differently. But they need to work together to look after their children not fight over who gets time away from them.

I don't need to assume the worst, she is literally harrasing op. Nice people don't harrass others do they?
We have no idea what text or messages she got in return. Nice people don't ignore their responsibilities without a care for how that impacts on others.

That's not an incident. An incident is having booked the week off weeks ago and told at the last minute that they have to work, and after contacting every single childcare provider, been told none can take the children.

Purposely booking a week holiday a couple of weeks before the kids were due to come, and not bother to arrange childcare because mum can just pick up the pieces is being a shit parent, not an incident.

If he has the kids eow what exactly is stopping her getting a job? She can just pay for childcare like the rest of the world does?
Ummm, maybe she has twins under 1? Looking after her mother with dementia?

Why the heck should she pay for childcare on time they should be with them? That makes no sense at all.

@dontdisturbmenow

I don't need to assume the worst, she is literally harrasing op. Nice people don't harrass others do they? We have no idea what text or messages she got in return. Nice people don't ignore their responsibilities without a care for how that impacts on others.

That's not an incident. An incident is having booked the week off weeks ago and told at the last minute that they have to work, and after contacting every single childcare provider, been told none can take the children.

Purposely booking a week holiday a couple of weeks before the kids were due to come, and not bother to arrange childcare because mum can just pick up the pieces is being a shit parent, not an incident.

If he has the kids eow what exactly is stopping her getting a job? She can just pay for childcare like the rest of the world does?
Ummm, maybe she has twins under 1? Looking after her mother with dementia?

Why the heck should she pay for childcare on time they should be with them? That makes no sense at all.

Right so I can't assume that she's harrasing op but you're assuming she got nasty messages back?

Dear me. Golden uterus in action here.

Well it is an incident. You're basically saying we have to assume mum is a lovely woman and dad is a wanker, no questions asked, because that's what you as a step parent hater and regular poster of nasty comments thinks.

If she's got twins under one that isn't her ex husband's problem. If she's struggling for cash because of subsequent children then PERHAPS SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THEM.

Oh wait. What a fucking stupid thing to say!! But it's ok when it's a dad eh.

She could pay for childcare if she needed to work, like everyone else. Because he couldn't do it because he works..... Use your brain.

So has it been established what happened about the children being at their dad’s for half of Easter? Did he have a week off in March/Apr booked as annual leave from the start of the year-as he knew he’d be having them for 50% of the time? Did he then swap that week to earlier when OP had the baby? Did he tell anyone them the repercussions that would have? Or did he just not book the time off over Easter and not consider them at all?

His plans for his older children are the problem here. It sounds like he completely forgot about them-surely that can’t be the case though? It’s not like you can blame having another baby-you have months to plan for that. The birth of his youngest child might have had an emergency element to it requiring a change of plan, but surely the time off over Easter for his older children was already booked?

So has it been established what happened about the children being at their dad’s for half of Easter?

Nope. The OP has refuted any suggestion he's a shit dad for not resolving the situation, and seems to be of the view that it's going to be EOW until he can take a week off, which makes it sound as if rather than splitting the holidays, it's going to be at dads convenience.

Also, she doesn't seem at all concerned at his suggestion that he for this upcoming EOW, he only has them during the day, when she's at her mum's.

Dad seems to have put contact with his older children very much on the back burner.

Given the baby is 3w old already, I wonder what happened at the last Eow context, whether it went ahead? How dad acted? From the OP it seems that the SK have been since the OPs baby was born. I think.

@Babyboomtastic

So has it been established what happened about the children being at their dad’s for half of Easter?

Nope. The OP has refuted any suggestion he's a shit dad for not resolving the situation, and seems to be of the view that it's going to be EOW until he can take a week off, which makes it sound as if rather than splitting the holidays, it's going to be at dads convenience.

Also, she doesn't seem at all concerned at his suggestion that he for this upcoming EOW, he only has them during the day, when she's at her mum's.

Dad seems to have put contact with his older children very much on the back burner.

Given the baby is 3w old already, I wonder what happened at the last Eow context, whether it went ahead? How dad acted? From the OP it seems that the SK have been since the OPs baby was born. I think.

Sorry, why does op need to be concerned?