New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

[quote MrsNewms85]@TrustTheGeneGenie

"If your partner had broke both legs would you attend a&e with him or would you prioritize taking your child to gymnastics? After all your kids always come first. "

You're being a tad ridiculous now, I'm embarrassed for you.[/quote]
That is exactly what you've been arguing, that kids should always be the priority.

[quote MrsNewms85]@TrustTheGeneGenie

"If your partner had broke both legs would you attend a&e with him or would you prioritize taking your child to gymnastics? After all your kids always come first. "

You're being a tad ridiculous now, I'm embarrassed for you.[/quote]
I'm embarrassed you don't get it.

If you'd go with your partner to a&e your kids don't always come first and that is key to a healthy family dynamic. Actual need.

@PandaFluff @aSofaNearYou

I'm glad you both got it!

@aSofaNearYou only if you're taking it to the extreme......which she did.

Partner urgently needing hospital at same time as your kid needing dropped at an event.... well duh no brainer.

Partner wanting your time for a non urgent thing but you have your kid, your kid is more important. Purposely misunderstanding and twisting is not a constructive argument.

[quote MrsNewms85]@aSofaNearYou only if you're taking it to the extreme......which she did.

Partner urgently needing hospital at same time as your kid needing dropped at an event.... well duh no brainer.

Partner wanting your time for a non urgent thing but you have your kid, your kid is more important. Purposely misunderstanding and twisting is not a constructive argument.[/quote]
Awh look you've just described exactly what I've been telling you.

Your kids don't always come first. It's based on need and circumstance, isnt it?

@aSofaNearYou

Hope you get the support you need OP. Why anyone would defend the ex's behaviour here is beyond me.

I don’t think anyone has, her behaviour is appalling. It’s OP’s gem of a husband who’s caused all the drama. Didn’t plan his leave properly despite having nine months notice, assumed his ex would uncomplainingly pick up the slack without asking, has decided he can’t even look after his older children 24/7 for four days. What a peach.

[quote TrustTheGeneGenie]**@PandaFluff* @aSofaNearYou*

I'm glad you both got it![/quote]
I tried to explain that sometimes different family members will have different needs and right now OP needs space to recover with baby. But this didn't go down well..

[quote MrsNewms85]@aSofaNearYou only if you're taking it to the extreme......which she did.

Partner urgently needing hospital at same time as your kid needing dropped at an event.... well duh no brainer.

Partner wanting your time for a non urgent thing but you have your kid, your kid is more important. Purposely misunderstanding and twisting is not a constructive argument.[/quote]
I really don't get why you see that as a misunderstanding. If you don't consider the extremes, what's the point in saying "always"? "Partner wanting your time for a non urgent thing" is not the same thing as their NEEDS, and you said wants and needs.

I don’t think anyone has, her behaviour is appalling. It’s OP’s gem of a husband who’s caused all the drama. Didn’t plan his leave properly despite having nine months notice, assumed his ex would uncomplainingly pick up the slack without asking, has decided he can’t even look after his older children 24/7 for four days. What a peach.

Not perfect behaviour, no, but certainly not worse than sending abusive messages to his partner who has just had a baby blaming her for it, rather than taking the issue up with him. She is responsible for the drama here.

Yanbu bur your husband is being an irresponsible selfish fuckwit of a father. He needs to take his children as prearranged. If that means half the school humans then it means half the school holidays. If he was stupid enough not to factor in holiday leave for his pre existing children then he needs to arrange childcare for when he is at work and ensures he looks after them once they are at his home so you don't have to. If he can't do that then maybe you need to start questioning why you decided to have a child with him. The ex wife is being perfectly reasonable in expecting your dh to be the bare minimum dad he currently is.

Agree @Alsohuman and whilst I do think the ex has behaved badly towards the OP and messaging her is bang out of order in her shoes I can imagine I'd be rightly annoyed with the DCs dad. she is also probably dealing with two children who may well be feeling pushed out. Also it isn't about providing childcare it is joint parenting of which the father in this case does precious little of from the sounds of it!

@haggistramp

Yanbu bur your husband is being an irresponsible selfish fuckwit of a father. He needs to take his children as prearranged. If that means half the school humans then it means half the school holidays. If he was stupid enough not to factor in holiday leave for his pre existing children then he needs to arrange childcare for when he is at work and ensures he looks after them once they are at his home so you don't have to. If he can't do that then maybe you need to start questioning why you decided to have a child with him. The ex wife is being perfectly reasonable in expecting your dh to be the bare minimum dad he currently is.

Why is paid for childcare better than just swapping the week?

Is the ex wife being perfectly reasonable in abusing op?

"The ex wife is being perfectly reasonable in expecting your dh to be the bare minimum dad he currently is."

Except the fact that she isn't, she wanted OP to have the children.
Newsflash** OP isn't the children's father!
She also should not be receiving abusive messages from the ex wife.
The ex wife is far from reasonable, so strange how some people read a thread and create their own story ignoring all the facts.

I'm the ex in this situation, and I like the stepmother (from what I have seen - which is little, as I deal with my ex, not her). If she were on maternity leave etc I would NEVER expect her to have her SC without their dad being there. Great if she wanted to or something, but no, she isn't my unpaid childminder.

For OP, sounds good going to your mum's for a bit. Nobody needs this shite when they've just given birth.

I think swapping for the week would be perfectly reasonable and maybe the ex wife would have been happy if it hadn't been dumped on her at the last minute because despite being on holiday for 3 weeks he hadn't actually managed to consider his existing children's needs and his responsibilities as a parent into any kind of equation.

I'm glad you're going to your parents' OP.

She seems to be one of those women who would sooner blame a new partner than hold her ex responsible for his actions. You don't need the abuse from her and you don't need to worry about your DP expecting you to pick up his parenting duties.

Hopefully your parents will give you some much deserved TLC.

@wizzbangfizz

I think swapping for the week would be perfectly reasonable and maybe the ex wife would have been happy if it hadn't been dumped on her at the last minute because despite being on holiday for 3 weeks he hadn't actually managed to consider his existing children's needs and his responsibilities as a parent into any kind of equation.

Oh I agree, his planning was awful, but it didn't need to be turned into a drama. I would probably think ffs ex husband, and then I'd get over it and swap the week because a) I don't work anyway and b) they're my children and why would I put them in paid childcare they're not used to when I'm literally sat at home?

I think after years of being in a high conflict situation has really made me stop caring about point scoring and just doing what is best for the kids, and frankly the simplest solution.

If she was working and reliant on him having them for the week I would be saying yes absolutely he needs to sort childcare but... Makes no sense when she's at home.

Regardless of how angry she is she's behaved like a dick and in the long run it ain't any good for her kids.

@MrsNewms85

Your post made perfect sense and people are being deliberately stupid by bringing extraordinary circumstances into it.

Strange that they are so incensed by the idea of prioritising children who are caught up in these situations through no fault of their own.

[quote DropDTuning]@MrsNewms85

Your post made perfect sense and people are being deliberately stupid by bringing extraordinary circumstances into it.

Strange that they are so incensed by the idea of prioritising children who are caught up in these situations through no fault of their own.[/quote]
It's not "deliberately stupid" is it? It's real life. Do people not break legs in real life? Has your other half never needed taking to hospital?

You just don't get it. You balance everyone's needs in a family, of course children come first much of the time but it's stupid to say they come first always is stupid because it's quite obviously not true.

I'm more concerned at how many people on this thread seem to be having a good old bash at the OP for not wanting to do childcare at 3 weeks postpartum and other stepmums instead of expecting non-resident fathers to step up.

@LolaSmiles are we reading the same thread? Barely anyone, in fact only 1/2 posters have said the SM should do the childcare.

Pretty much everyone else has said dad needs to sort this, by taking AL, unpaid, family or childcare.

Many have said OP should go to her parents.

Pretty much everyone has said mum should t be contacting SM at all.

I’m not sure where you are getting the above from?

@DropDTuning thank you, appreciate it.

My remark about prioritising wasn't even aimed at the original poster, feel for that poor lass and hope the issue resolved itself.

My post was in response to the people who seemed to make out that any SC arrangements aren't their problem. I get it's an emotive issue and not everyone will agree with me and to some extent will go to extremes to argue back...maybe they've had worse experiences than me in this area. Sorry if they have, but I know what I meant so I'll let them crack on.

The step parenting threads on Mumsnet make me sad. Basically there doesn't seem to be a step parent on here who actually loves their SDC and wants to spend time with them. Poor kids.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

The step parenting threads on Mumsnet make me sad. Basically there doesn't seem to be a step parent on here who actually loves their SDC and wants to spend time with them. Poor kids.

Yawn

@Chicchicchicchiclana so you've decided to post on the step parenting board why? I don't have a teenager but maybe I'll go over to that board and judge them.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I sympathise. I felt like this when I had my dd a few months ago. The mother is high conflict and faked a covid scare so we had to keep ss6 home from school for three days. Not only had I just had a baby but I’d been in hospital afterwards for four days with sepsis. But tbh she’s so transparent it’s a joke and I expected nothing less. I think it’s perfectly natural to want to shut yourself away with your baby and not have all the external noise and general neediness of kids. New babies are incredibly stressful and anyone else with needs ( unless they’re your own child) is pretty much intolerable. You can’t act on that feeling but you’re very much entitled to it.