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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:
TrustTheGeneGenie · 29/03/2021 18:33

[quote MrsNewms85]@Alsohuman it's worrying isn't it. I'm same as you, very glad the ex's partner is caring and does as close to my role as she can when my kid is with her dad.[/quote]
I think you're confused.

Nobody is saying they have nothing to do with their step child, that they ignore them or treat them badly.

Theyre saying they're not responsible for them. Legally, they're not. If you split with your husband he has no right to see your child ever again.

I still treat dss nicely, feed him, wash his clothes, take him places etc etc.

But I'm not responsible for him.

MrsHusky · 29/03/2021 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 18:47

@MrsHusky I don't think I'm misunderstanding at all. In the case of OP, I think the expectation of her right now is ridiculous, she has a new born and a husband who could have organised his responsibilities with his ex better with a bit of common sense and communication. However, the other comments that are along the lines of "not my problem" are concerning.

Sounds like you're one of the good step parents out there which is brilliant, my husband's the same. But I'm of the opinion that if you get with someone who has a kid you understand they're the priority. Easier said than done.

MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 18:49

@TrustTheGeneGenie please see latest post, feel I'm now being purposely misunderstood

DropDTuning · 29/03/2021 18:56

@Rukaya Yes, how utterly naive of me to think that I have any kind of responsibility to children who live in my house part of the time. I'm a monster. Fucking hell. You people are why they all hate us, I hope you know that.

I don't for one minute judge you by the appalling attitudes of other posters on this thread. I don't lump people all into one just because they have something in common.

You sound like a decent human being with empathy who understands the importance of your relationship with your partner's children and your massive responsibility towards them. It's reassuring that people like you exist Flowers

Youseethethingis · 29/03/2021 18:56

But I'm of the opinion that if you get with someone who has a kid you understand they're the priority
No one child (or set of children) can be The Priority. When he decided to a) enter into a serious relationship and b) have another child , he lost the right to say “my kids are the top priority in all things and at all times”.
I’d certainly say my DSD is one of my priorities in life, but she’s not on the same level as my own child. The only person who has to balance both kids is DH, and I’d expect him to do so fairly and according to need not birth order.

LolaSmiles · 29/03/2021 19:22

Alsohuman
I'm more concerned at how many people on this thread seem to be having a good old bash at the OP for not wanting to do childcare at 3 weeks postpartum and other stepmums instead of expecting non-resident fathers to step up.

Throughout this thread there seems to be 2 prominent options that rest on the idea that non resident fathers are far too big, important, busy to concern themselves with their children, especially when there's women who should wipe the non-resident father's backside.
It's not the responsibility of his ex to manage his holidays so it isn't her responsibility to deal with his piss poor planning.
Equally, it's not the OP's responsibility to be given childcare duties because her DP conveniently didn't realise that he hadn't taken holiday for the Easter holidays when he would normally see his children.

The DP in this situation seems to think he can do what he likes and expect his ex or postpartum partner to take on the load (IIRC even suggesting he has his own children during the day but handing them back to his ex each night like a play date rather than a parent).

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 19:24

@Alsohuman

This thread has made me even more grateful than I was already for my son’s stepmother. The thought that he might have fallen into the hands of the likes of some of the posters on this thread makes my blood run cold. I’m equally glad I had her as a role model when in became a stepmother.
I'm very glad not to have fallen into the hands of an ex like many on here, who would put this level of weird emotional blackmail onto the subject of me loving her son like she does. In fairness, she probably takes the fact that my step son has no problem with our relationship and doesn't feel at all scarred by it as evidence she doesn't need to 🤷‍♀️
aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 19:28

But I'm of the opinion that if you get with someone who has a kid you understand they're the priority. Easier said than done.

Congrats on the strangely hierarchical opinion. I understand that myself, our shared daughter and my step son are all equal priority. As another poster said, he lost the right to say his kid always comes first when he decided to have another one with me, they will always be equal. As will the equally important adult relationships, depending on the circumstances.

Alsohuman · 29/03/2021 19:35

The DP in this situation seems to think he can do what he likes and expect his ex or postpartum partner to take on the load (IIRC even suggesting he has his own children during the day but handing them back to his ex each night like a play date rather than a parent)

Exactly that. You do remember correctly. That suggestion particularly appalled me too.

Original poster
Mrscatbells · 29/03/2021 19:39

I can't keep up with the tread sorry guys
Just an update I guess my husband has had it put with the ex and told her anymore abuse and harassment and the police will be called.

She got hold of my Facebook and messaged asking how I feel pushing two innocent children out and that I'm evil.

My husband has asked to speak to his kids to explain the situation with EOW as it was normally anyway and she refused to let him call. But he's been very clear he won't hesitate to make a full complaint if she send so much as sends an emoji my way ever again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrscatbells · 29/03/2021 19:41

I've also told my mum and dad about what's been going on with the barage of messages and calls and they equally were disgusted and are picking Me up on Friday for some TLC

OP posts:
MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 19:43

@Youseethethingis I didn't say step kids are the priority over your other kids. I'm saying they are the priority to your other half and if there is no other kids then they're also a priority over the SP wants and needs. Anyone who takes that on has my respect, as that is my husband, he knows my kid is my priority and always will be.

MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 19:44

@Mrscatbells hope you get the rest you need, Mam and dads are amazing for this. Just for record I think the expectation that was placed on you by the ex is terrible. You take care x

MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 19:47

@DropDTuning 100% agree. X

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 19:48

She sounds very bitter. I'm glad your OH has your back. Enjoy your TLC.

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 19:49

[quote MrsNewms85]@Youseethethingis I didn't say step kids are the priority over your other kids. I'm saying they are the priority to your other half and if there is no other kids then they're also a priority over the SP wants and needs. Anyone who takes that on has my respect, as that is my husband, he knows my kid is my priority and always will be.[/quote]
Parents who are not so self absorbed they would expect to be able to always prioritise their kids, regardless of circumstances and whether their partner's needs are greater, or who stay single if they can't accommodate a romantic relationship by avoiding this unreasonable expectation, have my respect.

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 19:50

Hope you get the support you need OP. Why anyone would defend the ex's behaviour here is beyond me.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 29/03/2021 19:58

[quote MrsNewms85]@MrsHusky I don't think I'm misunderstanding at all. In the case of OP, I think the expectation of her right now is ridiculous, she has a new born and a husband who could have organised his responsibilities with his ex better with a bit of common sense and communication. However, the other comments that are along the lines of "not my problem" are concerning.

Sounds like you're one of the good step parents out there which is brilliant, my husband's the same. But I'm of the opinion that if you get with someone who has a kid you understand they're the priority. Easier said than done.[/quote]
You're not misunderstood I think you're just wrong.

Step kids aren't "the priority" it's a balance.

MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 19:59

@aSofaNearYou they get mine too. I know I'm lucky, but I have many friends who aren't. Their relationships haven't worked because the new OH can't handle that they aren't the priority or that there is still a tie with an ex. Family and relationships are a complicated thing, especially in modern blended families. I'm sure everyone just does the best they can Smile

Blacktothepink · 29/03/2021 20:00

Good to hear you going to your parents.

MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 20:01

@TrustTheGeneGenie I'm not saying their the priority over any new or other SC, I'm saying they're a priority to your OH and if a SP doesn't get that then there is a problem.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 29/03/2021 20:03

[quote MrsNewms85]@TrustTheGeneGenie I'm not saying their the priority over any new or other SC, I'm saying they're a priority to your OH and if a SP doesn't get that then there is a problem.[/quote]
Yes a priority. Just like a partner is a priority. It's bizarre not to balance it on need and circumstance.

Point blank saying my kid comes first always no matter what is plain silly.

If your partner had broke both legs would you attend a&e with him or would you prioritize taking your child to gymnastics? After all your kids always come first.

It's a balance. It's always a balance, in nuclear families and step families. Well it should be anyway.

MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 20:06

@TrustTheGeneGenie

"If your partner had broke both legs would you attend a&e with him or would you prioritize taking your child to gymnastics? After all your kids always come first. "

You're being a tad ridiculous now, I'm embarrassed for you.

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 20:08

[quote MrsNewms85]@TrustTheGeneGenie

"If your partner had broke both legs would you attend a&e with him or would you prioritize taking your child to gymnastics? After all your kids always come first. "

You're being a tad ridiculous now, I'm embarrassed for you.[/quote]
She's not being ridiculous at all. That's the implication behind saying your kids always come before your partner's wants and needs.