New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

You know, I can think of no surer way I could have destroyed our chances of a happy blended family than if I ran around pretending I was DSDs mother.

but can we stop pretending that step parents have no responsbilitirs to step children, when we all know they do?

Bull. Shit. The OP isn't even related to the children's mum, I wouldn't even have as much responsibility to my own nieces and nephews, let alone an unrelated woman's children.

In fact, why hasn't the Dads own siblings been asked?? They have actually got blood in the game here, unlike the op. But no, she is a WOMAN who got married, and as such must now be a mother, but without any say or control.

He could arrange a holiday club, possibly, but why would you do that when they have a perfectly good mother at home who does not work? I mean seriously, why?
Well, just like we don't know why he oy has his kids eow, we also have no idea what the mother's situation is. Maybe she has another baby OP hasn't mentioned, maybe she has a health issue that she hasn't disclosed. Maybe she is struggling financially and can't afford to feed let alone entertain the kids.

Why does dad gets the benefit of the doubt but mum has no right to the same privilege?

The only 'ruggt' in this instance lies in the regular arrangements they have in place. If dad is supposed to have them half the holidays, then of course it's his responsibity to sort something out for that week.

There are so many posts criticizing mothers wanting to change contact dates to suit them. This no different if indeed he was supposed to have them.

Will it seriously kill her to have them for an extra week out of a whole year? Or in fact swap the damn week for one in summer?
Let's wait until a SM post that the exhaust dropped the kids to their dad in her week, and when told it wasn't his week, she responds 'Im I'll, can't look after the kids, will it seriously kill you to have your kids for two weeks instead of one? I'll swap with the summer holiday'. There'd be uproar and she certainly would be referred as a selfish bitch.

There seem to be quite some double standards and it's no surprise some exes lose it.

Hands up, who would have agreed to look after their nieces/nephews for a week over easter on your own all day when you were a brand new mum with a newborn
Has anyone suggested that OP looks after her SCs? I don't think do. The issue is her OH who seem to think that the default is for them to stay with their mum rather then having arranged to take a week off or arrange childcare when they were due to be with him.

That's the only part that is wrong.

@dontdisturbmenow

Hands up, who would have agreed to look after their nieces/nephews for a week over easter on your own all day when you were a brand new mum with a newborn Has anyone suggested that OP looks after her SCs? I don't think do. The issue is her OH who seem to think that the default is for them to stay with their mum rather then having arranged to take a week off or arrange childcare when they were due to be with him.

That's the only part that is wrong.

Except people have suggested that she should as she obviously has responsibility for them because she married their dad. Whatever that means. Funnily when people say step parents have responsibility like that, it only ever extends to things that suit their parents.

I'm mind boggled by this thread. Why is everyone piling in about dp contact, an issue not raised.... Its irrelevant to op what contact is and when, or what dp and his exw sort between them to solve it.
She shouldn't be asked to be free childcare esp when she has a newborn. End of conversation. It's not unreaaonable in any way or form to refuse.

Wow got a bite there.

I have NO say in my stepkids lives. They go to a school I cannot have a say in. No parents evenings. I don't do doctors trips. If I my DH were to leave/die the step kids wouldn't be here. Cannot see mum arranging contact. I have no legal rights to them. I have NO say in contact apart from working what fits in around DH shifts/my DD contact time. I have NO say in life decisions.

What I do is make sure they are happy here. I do cook for us all as does DH
I do pick ups/drop offs if essential for DH to have contact. I make sure they are happy. I treat them with respect and care and am there if they need anything. I dry hairs/wash/iron/put away clothes. I have tried to be extra parental and you know what? They didn't want it. I was utterly miserable dragged into drama and my metal health was worth more. I stepped back and it makes sense. I now have no contact with the ex and I don't have anxiety attacks stressing about what will happen when I do. When you have a mum elsewhere parenting in a way you don't it is impossible to get involved because she doesn't want me to. Do my step kids love me? Not a chance. Do they respect me? Debatable. Do they follow the rules in my home? Yes. Because the rules are the same for all children including my own. Clean up after yourself, use your manners and be kind.

When I have the ability to do what I do for my child with my step children then I will happily take on the responsibility. They know we are more relaxed with a lot of things here but we also are more strict in other ways. Luckily my DH parents the same but also doesn't parent my DD persay but will pull her in if she starts but then she is here 3/4 nights a week and generally is here every day either on a morning or night. She texts us both a lot too. SC don't even have my contact details and don't want/need them.

I care for their wellbeing but TRUST me I have no responsibility for them. If only!!

Trust me it is not what you imagine a blended family is. Ideal is 50/50 and everyone gets on. My side that is how it is. Best mates with my ex as is my DH with trips together and sunday dinners. We are his bubble. That is not the case in 99% of step families.

@Witchymclovely I honestly am not . I’m the only one not a step in my set up. My son has a step mum, a step brother and a half brother making his dad also a step dad, and my chap is my son’s step dad. So I can’t take any credit for how they behave except to say I’m not a psycho ex. My son’s step mum isn’t particularly warm to me but she’s been fab with my son. Little things like when she was buying sun cream for the family for a holiday, she checked I was happy with the spf. She didn’t need to, she’s a great mum to her own kids as it is and I’ve always known I can trust her judgment but it was thoughtful that she checked.

As for the user name, I was elbow deep in Danish Teak Oil getting the yard summer ready when I chose that name. But I prefer your interpretation

@Rukaya

If they didn't cook inside you they are not your responsibility

Yuck.

And they are. To a much lesser extent than they re of their parents, but can we stop pretending that step parents have no responsbilitirs to step children, when we all know they do?

You're wrong. They don't.

@Rukaya

We all know they do? No, clearly you do not speak for anyone. The only responsibility step parents have is the same responsibility they have towards everyone else, don't be unkind and don't sabotage their relationships

What rot. Children who live part of the time in your home, whose home it is meant to be too? Children who are the half sibling of your child...you think you owe them nothing above common courtesy? And you wonder why some SM get a bad name?

Awwww you've got no fucking idea have you. It's almost cute how utterly naive you are.

Awwww you've got no fucking idea have you. It's almost cute how utterly naive you are

Yes, how utterly naive of me to think that I have any kind of responsibility to children who live in my house part of the time. I'm a monster.
Fucking hell. You people are why they all hate us, I hope you know that.

This thread has made me even more grateful than I was already for my son’s stepmother. The thought that he might have fallen into the hands of the likes of some of the posters on this thread makes my blood run cold. I’m equally glad I had her as a role model when in became a stepmother.

I became, even!

@dontdisturbmenow

He could arrange a holiday club, possibly, but why would you do that when they have a perfectly good mother at home who does not work? I mean seriously, why? Well, just like we don't know why he oy has his kids eow, we also have no idea what the mother's situation is. Maybe she has another baby OP hasn't mentioned, maybe she has a health issue that she hasn't disclosed. Maybe she is struggling financially and can't afford to feed let alone entertain the kids.

Why does dad gets the benefit of the doubt but mum has no right to the same privilege?

The only 'ruggt' in this instance lies in the regular arrangements they have in place. If dad is supposed to have them half the holidays, then of course it's his responsibity to sort something out for that week.

There are so many posts criticizing mothers wanting to change contact dates to suit them. This no different if indeed he was supposed to have them.

Will it seriously kill her to have them for an extra week out of a whole year? Or in fact swap the damn week for one in summer?
Let's wait until a SM post that the exhaust dropped the kids to their dad in her week, and when told it wasn't his week, she responds 'Im I'll, can't look after the kids, will it seriously kill you to have your kids for two weeks instead of one? I'll swap with the summer holiday'. There'd be uproar and she certainly would be referred as a selfish bitch.

There seem to be quite some double standards and it's no surprise some exes lose it.

I honestly wouldn't have a problem with that if the other parent was agreeable and it caused no extra work for the sp and they had been asked in advance. Why would it be a problem?

Swapping a week is fine ffs.

@Rukaya

Awwww you've got no fucking idea have you. It's almost cute how utterly naive you are

Yes, how utterly naive of me to think that I have any kind of responsibility to children who live in my house part of the time. I'm a monster.
Fucking hell. You people are why they all hate us, I hope you know that.

You still haven't even answered what else you think we should be doing, that we are monstrous for not doing.

@Preservethewood that’s brilliant to get a positive point of view. Thanks for posting 👍. I think OP will appreciate it, not so much the swearing from everyone else. Chill people, have you seen the weather! Isn’t it a glorious day. OP I hope you’ve managed to enjoy it too. 🌞

Reading all these comments makes me realise how unique and lucky my situation is. My husband wants to parent and spend time with my kid, they have an amazing relationship, if they didn't I'm not sure I could have married him. No she is not his responsibility, but he has chosen to make her his responsibility and one of his priorities. He does drop offs to school, clubs and even to her dads!

Fortunately the ex is a good dad, is very involved and we get on well most of the time.

Feel sad for anyone that doesn't have it this way, but I think for some it is a choice they make and for others it's something that an ex or new SP just can't get passed. Which is for no one else to judge.

@Rukaya

Awwww you've got no fucking idea have you. It's almost cute how utterly naive you are

Yes, how utterly naive of me to think that I have any kind of responsibility to children who live in my house part of the time. I'm a monster.
Fucking hell. You people are why they all hate us, I hope you know that.

You people?

You are naive. You don't have any responsibility towards them. If your husband leaves you might literally never see them again. Unless you've adopted then in which case its not comparable.

Maybe you are the reason people have unreasonably high expectations about step parenting.

@Alsohuman it's worrying isn't it. I'm same as you, very glad the ex's partner is caring and does as close to my role as she can when my kid is with her dad.