New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

@Mama2baba I would high five you but I can’t find a suitable emoji. have a wink instead.

@Youseethethingis

it's the only chance his children have for forge a relationship with their step sibling

You misunderstand. This one weekend, or the one week for Easter isn't their only opportunity to forge a relationship, but the EOW/holidays in general are, hence why going to her mum's as a one off is fine, but it is going to get in the way of the relationship of it, if it's every time.

I'm by no means suggesting a single/couple of contacts are make or break, but if over a more extended period, the baby isn't there, then obviously the half siblings can't forge a relationship.

[quote Babyboomtastic]@Youseethethingis

it's the only chance his children have for forge a relationship with their step sibling

You misunderstand. This one weekend, or the one week for Easter isn't their only opportunity to forge a relationship, but the EOW/holidays in general are, hence why going to her mum's as a one off is fine, but it is going to get in the way of the relationship of it, if it's every time.

I'm by no means suggesting a single/couple of contacts are make or break, but if over a more extended period, the baby isn't there, then obviously the half siblings can't forge a relationship.[/quote]
What makes you think that would happen? Or is that just a massive assumption based on not very much at all?

First of all OP some people on here are rediculous.

Your 'job' as step parent is to... accommodate dads time with kids. Not to parent them. Not to be there when dad is not. If they didn't cook inside you they are not your responsibility.

I have been there doing school runs etc and you know what? Nobody but SC dad appreciated it. I will offer to watch SC if mum needs someone to watch SC as a 1 off if DH is working and they need someone but ONLY if I don't have plans. It is their dads contact time not mine. If dad isn't there kids are not there simples.

Also people need to realise some dads WANT more contact time but mums/children don't want it. We get each SC 1 night a week and 1 weekend day every other week. I am all for 50/50 share like I have with my DD but alas the mums are not always forthcoming and horde their kids and want the control. Doesn't make any man a shit dad. The long game will show kids who their dad is and I know our SC will want to be here more as they get older and see what we offer but we will never force it.

Also not a step mum NO COMMENT. if you have not lived it you KNOW NOTHING. Trust me nobody coulda prepared me for some of the shit shows I have dealt with. What started off as wonderful and smooth quickly went to hell and back. I have read many a step parenting book and still am utterly confused by half the crap that has happened after the initial honeymoon period!

Most people being horrid on here no doubt are scorned women. Hell hath no fury remember!

Do what feels right and ignore the people being horrid. They obviously have nothing better to do with their time....

@Babyboomtastic My apologies, I took you literally.
Of course if this was a long term problem with OPs attitude to the step children then that’s a whole other thread and something the OP would have to address own way or the other - absolutely.
However, right now, 3 weeks after giving birth to her first child, her DP (and his ex although he’s the one to blame for not protecting OP from it) is placing OP under unacceptable pressure.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

The title of the thread, that she can't bear to have them around, that this weekend for contact she's going to her mum's...

No she hasn't said that she'll go every weekend, but given how she feels, and her desire for space and to not be around them, I think it's something that's worth thinking about.

You have no more idea if it's just this weekend, than I do. We are both making assumptions here as we aren't the OP.

I didn't say she was bad for never seeing them at contact, or for leaving them, and I thought that going to her mum's was fine, but just thought it was worth a caution that it would get in the way of a relationship if it wasn't a one off/occasional thing.

I definitely don't think she should be looking after them at Easter whilst her husband works. I do think they should come, but it's his problem to square that with work, not the OPs to provide cover.

Op just wanted to say I agree with you staying at your mums. Do not rush back, take as long as you need.

Put yourself and your baby first. The SCs parents can sort them out, not your problem xx

[quote Babyboomtastic]@TrustTheGeneGenie

The title of the thread, that she can't bear to have them around, that this weekend for contact she's going to her mum's...

No she hasn't said that she'll go every weekend, but given how she feels, and her desire for space and to not be around them, I think it's something that's worth thinking about.

You have no more idea if it's just this weekend, than I do. We are both making assumptions here as we aren't the OP.

I didn't say she was bad for never seeing them at contact, or for leaving them, and I thought that going to her mum's was fine, but just thought it was worth a caution that it would get in the way of a relationship if it wasn't a one off/occasional thing.

I definitely don't think she should be looking after them at Easter whilst her husband works. I do think they should come, but it's his problem to square that with work, not the OPs to provide cover.[/quote]
She gave birth three weeks ago. What do you expect? In all seriousness, what do you think she should be doing?

It is incredibly NORMAL to feel this way in the very early stages. Generally, it passes. The early days with a newborn are so hard in any circumstances, but when you have step children its an extra level of hard!

I think you're jumping to conclusions based on a few words of someone who is currently in an incredibly vulnerable position.

I have a female friend whose ex husband is a “psycho ex” and a neighbour who chap’s ex wife is a “psycho ex”. Neither my female friend nor the neighbours chap are blameless but both the ex’s are psychos. Funnily, my friend is very sceptical of my neighbour’s chap as her experience has taught her that men rather than women are controlling abusers and she can’t see beyond that. But it’s not true. So there will be psycho ex’s and decent ex’s. And psycho step mothers and decent step mothers. Sometimes if you’re lucky like me, all the ex’s and all the steps are nice, good people.

@Preservethewood are you showing off! 😆 ps love the username 👍

I honestly fucking hate the 'what would you if they were your kids, what do you think mother's with older children do when they have a new baby?' type arguments. Because it's utter bollocks.

It's not comparable in any sort of way because they are not OPs children.

These children have TWO PARENTS who aren't the OP, who are capable of their care so it absolutely is not the same as a mother having to look after HER existing children when she has a new baby.

Please stop making out like situations in step families are the same as nuclear ones. They aren't. You can't just answer everything with 'what would you do if they were yours' because they aren't hers. There are lots of things she can't do because of that. You don't just get to pretend its the same when it suits the parents needs for childcare.

I agree OPs husband absolutely should have thought more and discussed holidays with his ex. And whilst her working status isn't entirely relevant, it does mean that it should be easy enough to work something out because it isnt the same as both of them having to arrange care around their work i.e. he has them more at weekends when he's not working/over the bank holiday or whatever.

No it's not fair on the ex but honestly it's got diddly fucking squat to do with OP. She can be pissed off with her children's father, it's not his wife's responsibility to police their arrangements. If he refuses to help during the holidays that's crap but they do have a perfectly good mother as home who can care for them if their Dad won't. It's not for OP to take over.

And she should not be sending nasty messages to OP ever. There is never an excuse for that. This is where the Psycho ex stereotype comes from, women who would sooner harass and blame their exes new partner than they would the parent of their children.

If they didn't cook inside you they are not your responsibility

Yuck.

And they are. To a much lesser extent than they re of their parents, but can we stop pretending that step parents have no responsbilitirs to step children, when we all know they do?

@TrustTheGeneGenie I absolutely believe that there are psycho exes out there. I've seen them destroy relationships between current partners and families in my own life. I didn't mean to diminish that in any way. I was referring to this case in particular.

Perhaps I worded it wrongly but what I meant was that telling the Father to step up to his responsibilities which he knew he had before he chose to have another child doesn't make someone a psycho or unreasonable. As I said before - the ex had absolutely no right or reason to be texting the OP who is in no way responsible for his children right now.

But I don't agree that the OP is continuing about how great a man the bloke is and the ex is being nasty expecting him to take them. That is his problem that he has to deal with and he sounds like he's being a bit of an arse because he's realised how much work it is now that OP can't do it for him.

@Rukaya

If they didn't cook inside you they are not your responsibility

Yuck.

And they are. To a much lesser extent than they re of their parents, but can we stop pretending that step parents have no responsbilitirs to step children, when we all know they do?

Do step parents also get to make life decisions for step children? If I want to do something and my partners ex disagrees do I get to say fuck you it's my choice what I do with Dsc?

Regarding the holidays, go to your mums. It's not your responsibility to look after his DC. He needs to make alternative arrangements if he's working and pay for the childcare if necessary.

Op wants her, dp and baby to be a bubble on their own

I mentioned exactly this in a recent thread, where the OP didn't particularly like the SC coming over.

A new baby often intensifies the feeling of not wanting the SC, in preference of "just us".

@Rukaya

If they didn't cook inside you they are not your responsibility

Yuck.

And they are. To a much lesser extent than they re of their parents, but can we stop pretending that step parents have no responsbilitirs to step children, when we all know they do?

The responsibility they have seems to differ with everyone's opinion though.

In my opinion the only responsibility step parents have is to ensure they don't come between a parents relationship with their child. That is NOT the same as offering to have them when said parent works because that isn't them seeing their parent.

Who honestly thinks most kids would prefer sitting at their Dads with a frazzled step mum who's too exhausted from a newborn when their mum is at home or dad could take some unpaid leave?

And they are. To a much lesser extent than they re of their parents, but can we stop pretending that step parents have no responsbilitirs to step children, when we all know they do?

We all know they do? No, clearly you do not speak for anyone. The only responsibility step parents have is the same responsibility they have towards everyone else, don't be unkind and don't sabotage their relationships.

He could arrange a holiday club, possibly, but why would you do that when they have a perfectly good mother at home who does not work? I mean seriously, why?

Exactly! Some people really are ridiculous with their “principles” that parents should have the children half of the holidays. No flexibility at all. If one parent is not working then why??
It’s even more ridiculous for the parent not working to not have the children and then the children get dumped with the stepmum who has her own children and life to think about. Deeply unfair.

I say this as an RP who does the bulk of everything. I currently don’t work.
So according to some, I have full authority to insist my children are with their father for half of the holidays whether he’s there or not. They don’t have a stepmum but if they did, it would be her responsibility to facilitate and just suck it up? I mean where is the bloody logic in that when I’ll be at home?

We all know they do? No, clearly you do not speak for anyone. The only responsibility step parents have is the same responsibility they have towards everyone else, don't be unkind and don't sabotage their relationships

What rot. Children who live part of the time in your home, whose home it is meant to be too? Children who are the half sibling of your child...you think you owe them nothing above common courtesy? And you wonder why some SM get a bad name?

can we stop pretending that step parents have no responsbilitirs to step children, when we all know they do?

who is 'we all'?

My only responsibility to my DSC is to facilitate a relationship with their father, to be kind and welcoming, and at the times I am looking after them alone to make sure they are well cared for, safe, warm and fed. I am not responsible for them practically, emotionally, or financially, any more than I am my friends children or my nieces. DH may delegate some of his responsibilities to me on occasion, if he needs me to babysit, or help him in some other way with their care, and that’s fine, but in my own right, as an individual, I have absolutely zero responsibility to them at all. I could choose to take on more responsibility if DH also wanted that, but that would be my choice, not a given. And also it would only apply on the time they are with us, not the time they are with their DM.

I’m not stating that from any kind of emotional viewpoint, it’s just the facts. Likely if we split up I would never see them again.

So please stop pretending that stepparents have rights and responsibilities they REALLY don’t have.

Going to your mums is the right idea however your DH needs to stay behind and look after his DC. I find it shocking that he wont let you have time with your mum. You need a break and he shouldnt be using it to not have his own DC overnight. They are still his DC and they will expect to see there dad. He has already used up his leave and cant take time over easter to spend time with them and he certainly should not be cancelling his overnights. That is poor of him

you think you owe them nothing above common courtesy? And you wonder why some SM get a bad name?

Literally that. SMs owe the children nothing above common courtesy. What do you think they owe them?

What rot. Children who live part of the time in your home, whose home it is meant to be too? Children who are the half sibling of your child...you think you owe them nothing above common courtesy? And you wonder why some SM get a bad name?

Well you translated kindness to common courtesy there, which is a considerably more negative term. I'm not talking a hi and a nod when they come in, I'm talking friendly conversation etc. What more do you think I owe them?

SMs get a bad name because of the judgemental attitudes of posters such as yourself, frankly. No need to wonder about that.