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Step-parenting

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New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:
DropDTuning · 29/03/2021 14:28

@MrsHusky Sick to death of step mums being villified by women who have no clue what its like trying to be a step mum.

Do you think it's accidental that we 're not stepmothers?

Do you not grasp that it's a choice whether or not to start a relationship with someone who already has children?

And that if you do, it's your responsibility as a decent human being to put that parent-child relationship first?

I'm a mother. And a daughter. I would never have married a person who already had children. And if I had done, I wouldn't have then tried to destroy, diminish and eat away at their relationship.

I've been on here as long as you have, and I've seen that far too many times as well.

Aimee1987 · 29/03/2021 14:29

@Shrivelled

I wouldn’t want to look after my own kids in the holidays if I had a 3 week old baby. I would be paying for holiday club or my DH would look after them. You need the time to rest and adjust after having a baby.
This I completly agree with this. My DS will be staying in nursery when we have another as there is not a chance I can cope with a tiny baby and DS. The same will be said of DSS if another one is born in school holidays.
Rukaya · 29/03/2021 14:30

They aren't stupid and if it is explained that sometimes in a family different members need support at different times and at the moment OP needs the support it should be fine

Should it? The children need support...their dad is pushing them away in favour of his new family, they are not wanted and are not being allowed to be there to spend time with their new sibling.

It seems to be all about the needs of the adults here, someone needs to consider the children.

Sick to death of step mums being villified by women who have no clue what its like trying to be a step mum

You don't know what other peoples situations are, and you don't seem to realise that SM's can be wrong.

funinthesun19 · 29/03/2021 14:31

Op go to your mums and let’s see if the stepkids still come to yours. My guess is they won’t because you won’t be around.

Mama2baba · 29/03/2021 14:31

@Youseethethingis

it's the only chance his children have for forge a relationship with their step sibling Utter nonsense. My DSD went on a three week holiday with her mum when DS was a few days old. She’d only met him once in hospital. That have a lovely bond. Please don’t try to manipulate an emotional post partum woman with emotional blackmail like this.
I cannot agree more with this post!
Rukaya · 29/03/2021 14:31

This I completly agree with this. My DS will be staying in nursery when we have another as there is not a chance I can cope with a tiny baby and DS. The same will be said of DSS if another one is born in school holidays

Unless he'll be boarding at nursery, its not really analogous.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 29/03/2021 14:31

[quote DropDTuning]**@MrsHusky* Sick to death of step mums being villified by women who have no clue what its like trying to be a step mum.*

Do you think it's accidental that we 're not stepmothers?

Do you not grasp that it's a choice whether or not to start a relationship with someone who already has children?

And that if you do, it's your responsibility as a decent human being to put that parent-child relationship first?

I'm a mother. And a daughter. I would never have married a person who already had children. And if I had done, I wouldn't have then tried to destroy, diminish and eat away at their relationship.

I've been on here as long as you have, and I've seen that far too many times as well.[/quote]
Look, you might think you are superior for not having married a man with children (well done you! have a gold star!) but that doesn't give you any authority here. You know fuck all, because you've not been in this situation (again, well done, very good).

How very dare you say that OP is trying to "destroy, diminish and eat away" at the childrens relationship with their father?

Where is your evidence that she is doing anything of the sort?

Because you have never been in this situation, take a minute to imagine how fucking hard it might be for op, remind yourself she is a human being, and think before you type - eh?

again, WELL DONE for not becoming a step mother, excellent job, but basically shouting about that on here whilst being horrible to someone who is clearly struggling, is revolting. It is in fact, much more revolting, than struggling with a problem as OP is.

merrygoround88 · 29/03/2021 14:33

The funny thing is many of us can feel overwhelmed by our own children when a new baby arrives but we can’t just decide not to look after them

Sugarygoodness · 29/03/2021 14:33

I don't see why the dad needs to be dropping kids off to visit you in the evenings at your mums....for one weekend!? Is he normally so clingy??

TrustTheGeneGenie · 29/03/2021 14:33

@Rukaya

This I completly agree with this. My DS will be staying in nursery when we have another as there is not a chance I can cope with a tiny baby and DS. The same will be said of DSS if another one is born in school holidays

Unless he'll be boarding at nursery, its not really analogous.

Ah yes, because small children are well known to be at their most active before 8am and after 6pm. She'll be doing tea, bath, and bed, and having 10 hours free to care for her baby. But shall we just ignore that to fit with your rhetoric?
Rukaya · 29/03/2021 14:38

Ah yes, because small children are well known to be at their most active before 8am and after 6pm. She'll be doing tea, bath, and bed, and having 10 hours free to care for her baby. But shall we just ignore that to fit with your rhetoric?

I don't have a rhetoric. You seem overinvested and over-wrought. Might be time to step away.

funinthesun19 · 29/03/2021 14:41

Utter nonsense. My DSD went on a three week holiday with her mum when DS was a few days old. She’d only met him once in hospital. That have a lovely bond. Please don’t try to manipulate an emotional post partum woman with emotional blackmail like this.

I gave birth to my youngest dc while dsc was just starting a 2 week holiday. No harm done.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 14:42

@Rukaya

They aren't stupid and if it is explained that sometimes in a family different members need support at different times and at the moment OP needs the support it should be fine

Should it? The children need support...their dad is pushing them away in favour of his new family, they are not wanted and are not being allowed to be there to spend time with their new sibling.

It seems to be all about the needs of the adults here, someone needs to consider the children.

Sick to death of step mums being villified by women who have no clue what its like trying to be a step mum

You don't know what other peoples situations are, and you don't seem to realise that SM's can be wrong.

For this one time becuase he has made a mistake. Not everytime.
soditall56 · 29/03/2021 14:42

@Mrscatbells

Also my husband isn't shit please find a company that allows more than 3 weeks off at a time?? That is standard practice.

He only pays for his family using his income and where good jobs are going due to covid I don't see what he was expected to do? Have 5 weeks off in a row like any company would allow this??

My DH was given 6 weeks paid paternity leave followed by 2 weeks annual leave when DC was born however I understand that we were very fortunate as this isn't standard.

YANBU though and glad your Dh has set his ex straight. Please rest when you can. Exhausting isn't it 😟

TrustTheGeneGenie · 29/03/2021 14:42

@Rukaya

Ah yes, because small children are well known to be at their most active before 8am and after 6pm. She'll be doing tea, bath, and bed, and having 10 hours free to care for her baby. But shall we just ignore that to fit with your rhetoric?

I don't have a rhetoric. You seem overinvested and over-wrought. Might be time to step away.

Over invested? Why because i have commented on a thread and pulled up a really stupid comment?

Over wrought? or just fed up of people ripping the shit out of a woman in a vulnerable state?

Witchymclovely · 29/03/2021 14:43

Good afternoon Op, bet you wish you hadn’t posted anything now! I’ve read some absolute crap in my time but some of the posts you’ve received are thoughtless and in sensitive. Please ignore all posts written by anyone who isn’t a step parent first as they know nothing. Secondly ignore all posts that call your husband a shit- they dont know him and they actually know shit. Thirdly all women should be able to read first and foremost that you are struggling. Forget the poor SC for a moment - who unless are very religious couldn’t give a a flying monkeys whether it’s Easter as long as they are stuffing there faces with easter egg- you need time to adjust. For whatever reason you need a little more time. And that’s ok. The SC won’t suffer in the short term they can wait. If Ex W doesn’t understand then so what, these are challenging times and at the moment new mum/ new born trumps exW feeling a bit put out. She’ll get over it. Your allowed to feel the way you are feeling. It will pass I promise. Hubby needs to work, he’ll adjust to juggling his new family dynamic in good time I’m sure. Husbands need time too. Shame on any posters who have been anything other than be understanding and give genuine sympathetic advice.

Youseethethingis · 29/03/2021 14:45

And if I had done, I wouldn't have then tried to destroy, diminish and eat away at their relationship
Saying “I’m not looking after your children for you” isn’t destroying or diminishing the relationship between father and children.
Saying “I don’t care what you want or need you will look after my children for me” will destroy or diminish a marriage, however.

Aimee1987 · 29/03/2021 14:46

@Rukaya

This I completly agree with this. My DS will be staying in nursery when we have another as there is not a chance I can cope with a tiny baby and DS. The same will be said of DSS if another one is born in school holidays

Unless he'll be boarding at nursery, its not really analogous.

DP is home before and after nursery. I believe what the OP is struggling with is the concept of managing all the kids at the same time on her own.

I empathise with that and am stating that the time DP is at work DS would be in nursery and DSS would be in holiday club ( if I happen to have another child during school holidays).

I remeber struggling with DSS at that stage but in hindsight it was simply that as a step mum I wasnt allowed to say the child is annoying me take him out as then I'm evil and rejecting the child. Since becoming a mum I have realised at times it's ok to send a kid out with their father for a few hours so I can cluster feed in peace. It doesnt mean I hate either kids. However voicing that opinion oh here makes you "that" stepmom which is ridiculous.

wizzbangfizz · 29/03/2021 14:49

To be honest I'm not sure I'd have had kids with a man who only saw his kids a 2 weekends a month and who hadn't even give the thought of contact time at Easter any headspace. Sorry you are struggling OP but your husband sounds like a rubbish dad to his current DC.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 14:50

@wizzbangfizz

To be honest I'm not sure I'd have had kids with a man who only saw his kids a 2 weekends a month and who hadn't even give the thought of contact time at Easter any headspace. Sorry you are struggling OP but your husband sounds like a rubbish dad to his current DC.
You have no idea why he only sees them 2 weekends a month.
MixedUpFiles · 29/03/2021 14:51

He doesn’t just get to go to EOW, he is still responsible for his half of the holidays. He can hire someone to watch the children if he has exhausted his leave.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 29/03/2021 14:51

@wizzbangfizz

To be honest I'm not sure I'd have had kids with a man who only saw his kids a 2 weekends a month and who hadn't even give the thought of contact time at Easter any headspace. Sorry you are struggling OP but your husband sounds like a rubbish dad to his current DC.
how helpful..........
TrustTheGeneGenie · 29/03/2021 14:52

@MixedUpFiles

He doesn’t just get to go to EOW, he is still responsible for his half of the holidays. He can hire someone to watch the children if he has exhausted his leave.
Watch them where? At the house? Nah.

He could arrange a holiday club, possibly, but why would you do that when they have a perfectly good mother at home who does not work? I mean seriously, why?

Will it seriously kill her to have them for an extra week out of a whole year? Or in fact swap the damn week for one in summer?

Mama2baba · 29/03/2021 14:55

@Witchymclovely

Good afternoon Op, bet you wish you hadn’t posted anything now! I’ve read some absolute crap in my time but some of the posts you’ve received are thoughtless and in sensitive. Please ignore all posts written by anyone who isn’t a step parent first as they know nothing. Secondly ignore all posts that call your husband a shit- they dont know him and they actually know shit. Thirdly all women should be able to read first and foremost that you are struggling. Forget the poor SC for a moment - who unless are very religious couldn’t give a a flying monkeys whether it’s Easter as long as they are stuffing there faces with easter egg- you need time to adjust. For whatever reason you need a little more time. And that’s ok. The SC won’t suffer in the short term they can wait. If Ex W doesn’t understand then so what, these are challenging times and at the moment new mum/ new born trumps exW feeling a bit put out. She’ll get over it. Your allowed to feel the way you are feeling. It will pass I promise. Hubby needs to work, he’ll adjust to juggling his new family dynamic in good time I’m sure. Husbands need time too. Shame on any posters who have been anything other than be understanding and give genuine sympathetic advice.
@Witchymclovely I’ve just screen shot this, I love it that much!
PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 14:58

It sounds like dad has been doing more than the agreed EOW and half holidays when they are off school so mum has been doing less so it might do the children some good to spend a bit more time with her to get back into their routine.

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