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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 29/03/2021 12:48

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Did you not bother reading the rest of that eminently sensible post?

lol, sensible?

they've "forgotten" he has other kids and you think that's sensible?

Hmm.

Hmmmm indeed. You didn’t read it either then.
TrustTheGeneGenie · 29/03/2021 12:49

I did read it, i didn't think it was sensible. People don't have to agree with you, you know?

Druidlookingidiot · 29/03/2021 12:51

@Mrscatbells

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

I fear that it's the price you have to pay for creating a blended family. I do sympathise but the children should come first. You need to give your head a wobble and get on with it.
Youseethethingis · 29/03/2021 12:52

Did you not bother reading the rest of that eminently sensible post?
Read and understood thanks. Just think it was amusing of Tattler to say OP is dramatic then in the next breath talk about the kids being “banned from their home”.

Youseethethingis · 29/03/2021 12:53

I do sympathise but the children should come first. You need to give your head a wobble and get on with it
Don’t do this, PPD and relationship breakdown are the stop offs down this road.

EvilOnion · 29/03/2021 13:01

Your feelings are totally natural and it's a lot to take on but you chose to have a relationship and another child with a Father of 2 knowing that child care duties would fall on your household.

He should be the one to step up here, he could have taken less time off knowing he had to accommodate his other children as well as a new baby. Plenty of families just need to get on with it and I'm afraid yours is no different.

Your partner needs to speak with his ex and come to an arrangement that suits him. If you need to take some time out then that's absolutely fine.

Mama2baba · 29/03/2021 13:08

Some awful, bitter and resentful posts on here that are quick to judge.

OP- take no notice, context and trying to write the finer nuances of relationships is hard to put across on here. Some people maybe use their own experiences to taint their judgements a little too eagerly.

Goodytoshoes · 29/03/2021 13:09

@SD1978

And also- assuming this isn't the first school holidays, unless you've only been together a very short time, that this situation is come up with the children? Or is it juts that you inject now, and did it on all previous holidays? The kids are there 2 nights out of 14, and some time in school holidays, like they always have been. I think maybe you need to accept you are being a bit unreasonable.
Unreasonable for not wanting to look after someone else's kids when she's 3 weeks postnatal? Catch a grip.

Even if she wasn't 3 weeks postnatal she shouldn't be doing this, she's not their childminder.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 13:09

@TrustTheGeneGenie thank you this is what I tried to say earlier but got described as "odd".

We don't know why its EOW and part of holidays but it is.

MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 13:11

Your husband needs to step up here. Sounds like maybe the ex has got her own way previously to keep the peace and is still trying to wield some power?

As an ex who's partner is due a baby in a few weeks, I've offered to increase our 50/50 custody agreement to 75/25 when their new baby arrives, so they're not overwhelmed and that our kid doesn't feel like they're not wanted around at what is a tough but also amazing time.

I'm not saying we get on great all the time, we absolutely don't, but I try my best for my kids sake. Stuff like that give ex's, step parents etc a bad rep.

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 13:14

You do realise EOW if often court ordered? As in that wont be what he wanted, or asked for? Sometimes, believe it or not the RP doesn't want the NRP to have more time than that. I hate when EOW is made out to be the sole decision of the NRP because i would say 90% of the time its not actually their decision at all. When dp moved out, his ex gave him what she wanted him to have which was friday night and 14 hours on a sunday, admittedly because she did not want him to have a social life, and he had to take her to mediation to get it changed. I wish it was as simple as "oh thats what he wanted, bare minimum" open your fucking eyes people!

Yes I would say the same. I don't know many dad's that have more than EOW contact, and I don't know any that aren't sad about it and wouldn't like to have them more. It's not as simple as 50/50 being default, the other parent and the courts can block that.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 13:15

I do sympathise but the children should come first. You need to give your head a wobble and get on with it.

Ignore this OP. You have only recently given birth. Your feelings are important. You do not come bottom of the pile in your family. The children will not suffer having to stay in their other home with their other parent just this once (unless she is a danger to them but that would be a huge drip feed).

Ideally mum would be understanding and also understand that the more the 2 of them work together the easier and better it is for the children in the long run.

Dad has messed up yes he has but it's better for them to be with their mum than OP if dad can't take them. It seems odd that mum would be pushing for them to stay at OPs house if dad won't be there to look after them.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 13:17

@MrsNewms85

Your husband needs to step up here. Sounds like maybe the ex has got her own way previously to keep the peace and is still trying to wield some power?

As an ex who's partner is due a baby in a few weeks, I've offered to increase our 50/50 custody agreement to 75/25 when their new baby arrives, so they're not overwhelmed and that our kid doesn't feel like they're not wanted around at what is a tough but also amazing time.

I'm not saying we get on great all the time, we absolutely don't, but I try my best for my kids sake. Stuff like that give ex's, step parents etc a bad rep.

That is lovely of you
Youseethethingis · 29/03/2021 13:20

That is lovely of you
I agree. A nice demonstration of human kindness and compassion for the kids to take on board, and no doubt they won’t be told “dad has dropped you for his baby” so will be absolutely fine. And probably rather glad to escape the newborn chaos too Grin

tuliprosedaffodil · 29/03/2021 13:24

I think the OP should absolutely not have to look after her SC whilst DH is at work having just had a baby. No way.

But - DH shouldn't have used that extra weeks leave when it's already 'allocated' if you like, to his other children unless it was a life or death emergency which it obviously wasn't. Most people do not get 3 weeks off with their wife and newborn, it's a luxury and not one you get when you already have other children. I do understand OP and I'm not criticising, my own DH had 3 week off both times with ours but neither of us have other children to consider.

So for me, the answer is DH needs to step up and have his children because it is his time to have them and if that means taking unpaid time off work or paying for childcare then frankly that's tough luck. The ex-w does not get to opt out of motherhood because it's inconvenient at any time and nor should he. OP either needs to remain at home but doing no childcare/work (other than for baby) if DH is home with them or packs off to her mums for the time that the SC are there for a bit of support.

It's utterly not fair on the existing children or the ex-w to have to make other arrangements and miss seeing their Dad (regardless of what the ex-w is doing at home) because he's used up leave that is 'theirs' by having an extra week with his new baby.

The ex-w can piss off with her rude messages though I would block her personally. That's out of order.

Original poster
Mrscatbells · 29/03/2021 13:24

I can't read everything but I wanted to say tha k you to those that have been supportive and told me my feelings will pass and that they have experienced that before.

Needed go hear that. The ex is blocked now after getting a really nasty message this morning. I'm going to go to my mums this weekend I think and my husband can have his kids for bank holiday. He's not happy because he said I shouldn't feel I need to go. But after being abused by the ex and having kids run around crazy after being quite poorly with a baby I'm just done and need space. Husband wants to come with me to my mums so he might look after his kids in the day and drop off and stay evenings with me.

OP posts:
tuliprosedaffodil · 29/03/2021 13:26

@Mrscatbells It is normal to feel all over the place for a while after you've had a baby. It will definitely pass but I actually don't think you're being unreasonable about not doing the childcare. Him not doing it is utterly unreasonable, but not you.

Try to get as much rest as you can at your mums it's exhausting, and a weird time.

Original poster
Mrscatbells · 29/03/2021 13:30

I'm being unashamedly honest I don't have the energy to put on a show or a front.
I am lucky my husband is putting my well being first I have to say now I've spoken to him about how I feel and how exhausted I am

OP posts:
PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 13:30

@Mrscatbells that sounds a good solution I hope you have a nice relaxing time at your mums. It is out of order for his ex to be abusive to you. You owe her nothing.

CombatBarbie · 29/03/2021 13:33

He's messed up with Easter holidays, it's crap but it's done. The ex is just looking for any reason to beat you down. If she was working and had only taken 1 week herself to cover Easter holidays then I'd be saying DH needs to sort it out, but she's not. This isn't about the kids, it's about her not moving on and trying (and winning) at causing mayhem.

MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 13:35

@Mrscatbells

I'm being unashamedly honest I don't have the energy to put on a show or a front. I am lucky my husband is putting my well being first I have to say now I've spoken to him about how I feel and how exhausted I am
Sounds like a good solution. Fingers crossed once baby's a bit older things calm down and you'll start to feel a bit better. Take care x
Mama2baba · 29/03/2021 13:35

@tuliprosedaffodil

I think the OP should absolutely not have to look after her SC whilst DH is at work having just had a baby. No way.

But - DH shouldn't have used that extra weeks leave when it's already 'allocated' if you like, to his other children unless it was a life or death emergency which it obviously wasn't. Most people do not get 3 weeks off with their wife and newborn, it's a luxury and not one you get when you already have other children. I do understand OP and I'm not criticising, my own DH had 3 week off both times with ours but neither of us have other children to consider.

So for me, the answer is DH needs to step up and have his children because it is his time to have them and if that means taking unpaid time off work or paying for childcare then frankly that's tough luck. The ex-w does not get to opt out of motherhood because it's inconvenient at any time and nor should he. OP either needs to remain at home but doing no childcare/work (other than for baby) if DH is home with them or packs off to her mums for the time that the SC are there for a bit of support.

It's utterly not fair on the existing children or the ex-w to have to make other arrangements and miss seeing their Dad (regardless of what the ex-w is doing at home) because he's used up leave that is 'theirs' by having an extra week with his new baby.

The ex-w can piss off with her rude messages though I would block her personally. That's out of order.

This reply is exactly what should be happening. No need for all the other posts stating ‘giving heads a wobble.’ Mother of a New born baby being told to sort her head out to deal with an aggressor? The OP needs support and not people belittling her when she is vulnerable.
MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 13:37

@PandaFluff @Youseethethingis thanks, it takes a lot of tongue biting to get to this point but it can happen if the kids well-being is always put before any daft pettiness.

EvilOnion · 29/03/2021 13:38

I'm glad you're getting some time out to recover OP :)

Your husband needs to deal with his responsibilities for his older children for now and not disrupt their routine.

Yes, his ex shouldn't be abusing you in any way but he shouldn't be pushing them aside and thinking he can just hand them back and forth when she has them most of the time. I wouldn't expect her to be happy with him ditching them at nighttime for his convenience because "he's not happy" tbh.

DropDTuning · 29/03/2021 13:43

@Brieminewine Wow some very nasty comments from some bitter exs on here

Of all the tedious bullshit that gets rolled out on this site, this is right at the top.

I'm not an ex. I'm not a step-parent. The father of my kids and I are together. You don't need to be personally involved in a situation to make a judgement on it, you know.

I feel desperately sorry for these children. What a shit Easter they're going to have.