New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

I think a lot of the replies are very black and white. While the OP does not have full responsibility but she has chosen to live with a man who has children and they are all part of the same family now. So I think in most circumstances helping out their dad with childcare would not be unreasonable. However, because you had a baby three weeks ago things are a bit different. In an ideal world their Mum would agree to reduce contact just this once. But as she isn’t going to play ball you have to decide if you are happy for the childcare costs to come out of your household budget? If not then you need to help out even if they means let them watch Netflix 24/7 which is probably what would happen if they lived with you full time.

But if he can't then the best place for his children is with their mother not out on the street/dumped on OP.

Who's put them out on the street?

And any parent that accepts a partner who differentiates between their children and their step children has chosen wrong and done a massive disfavour to their children.

[quote Runnerduck34]@asofanearyou
I just think as a family you muck in help out and support each other.
If course its not OPs responsibility to look after dsc , especially now, but in the future they may be an occasion where it works best for the family . Im not advocating it as a regular occurrence, its her DHs responsibility to look after all his DC.
Like it or not dsc are now a huge important part of OPs family, they are are DHs DC and half siblings of her baby, and they need to be thought about. She can't pretend they dont exist and that they have nothing to do with her family.
It really doesn't reflect well on the man OP has chosen to have a baby with, if 50/50 during school holidays is normal arrangement then they should come as normal
He needs to ensure his oldest two children feel loved and wanted, particularly at this really sensitive time. He also needs support OP and realise its not fair for her to look after his older DC. Would have been better if OPs mum could have bridged the gap between paternity leave and easter holidays so OP was supported and there was no childcare issue.
If I was OP I would be asking DH what the childcare plans are for May half term and the summer holidays, not to accept responsibility to sort it out but for my peace of mind and also have some input for dates.[/quote]
Well you can think it all you want, but it doesn't make it a reasonable expectation. I "think about" my SS and recognise that he exists and has something to do with my family. But I don't step in to help out just because it is "practical", unless the alternative would be really impractical for me. The burden of caring for him being impractical falls to my DP and his mum.

@Happinesscomesfromwithin

And any parent that accepts a partner who differentiates between their children and their step children has chosen wrong and done a massive disfavour to their children.

Again, all I can do is laugh...

Kindness costs nothing, and understanding for ONE week, that a new mom might not be able to cope with 3 kids while she's learning how to manage a new baby isn't even slightly unreasonable.
Why should the blame for disrupting children's contact with their dad be placed on the OP?
The OP doesn't have to have all 3 children. Most of us agree this. Her DP is out of order to expect this.

It's not unreasonable for a man who has chosen to have 3 children to appropriately provide for his 3 children, including not sidelining his older children in favour of a new baby.

I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone

The OP really needs to talk to her DH about how she is feeling.

I’ve not read all of the comments, but I totally empathise with you. I’m glad I came across this thread as I asked something similar last night and I’ve pretty much shut the thread down as the replies were pretty much implying it’s mine and my partner’s problem the ex is clearly being a calculating horror much similar to yours from the sounds of it.

I don’t really have any words of wisdom, other than we ceased all contact via text and call. Everything is done through email. She gets her digs in where she can through her eldest as she has a phone- that makes me sad as she is dragging her into something nothing to do with her. However, that is not our doing.

I just wanted to say you are not in the wrong and I think you need to stand firm. You are not available for childcare at the moment. Simple as that.

Please let me know how you get on. I’m interested to see how you deal with it- purely to see if it helps with my own impending situation

Kindness costs nothing, and understanding for ONE week, that a new mom might not be able to cope with 3 kids while she's learning how to manage a new baby isn't even slightly unreasonable.

Who is saying the OP should be doing all the childcare whilst recovering? She shouldn't be.

TBH this is on your DH if contact is usually EOW and half the holidays then his ex is asking for what the standard is and therefore isn't unreasonable (if she's asking for more than half the holiday then she is)

You aren't unreasonable for not wanting to be responsible for the older kids when he's in work (if he was going to be there and you were saying you didn't want them in your house because you had a new baby then I'd say you were unreasonable - but I don't think thats what you were saying)

As it doesn't appear that the ex needs the childcare is it worth HIM speaking to the ex and asking if during the holidays rather than him having them for the week if he could have them every weekend/day he is off during the holidays
Rather than Monday - Sunday he has them then ex the first weekend and then second Monday - Sunday (he has 7 days she has 9 out of the 16 days they are off) he has them every Saturday and Sunday plus the bank holidays (he has 8 days she has 8 days) - yes it means you wouldn't have any days just you three over the next fortnight but he is spending time with his kids and the childcare isn't on you

@Happinesscomesfromwithin your approach sounds good to me.

For whatever reason mum and dad have decided EOW and holidays works for them. No need to get nasty about it

Odd thing to assume. It's just as likely that Dad has decided that works for him and Mum has to put up with it either way.

Point is, the RP is already massively shouldering the burden of their shared children. She's not unreasonable to expect him to do his share for the holidays as usual.

And any parent that accepts a partner who differentiates between their children and their step children has chosen wrong and done a massive disfavour to their children
I think anyone who tries to pretend they are a parent to a child when they aren’t does the child a massive disfavour.
My DH has been the child whose new “dad”, “grandparents”, “aunts” etc disappeared like snow off a hillside when his mum broke up with his half siblings father.
He wishes he had been allowed to have a nice relationship with them on his own terms, but his mother was hell bent on creating a false family. That hurt him a lot.
So I don’t pretend I’m DSDs mother, i would not insult her, her mother or my son.
In dads wife, her brothers mother and I care for her very much. Works for us.

@Rukaya

For whatever reason mum and dad have decided EOW and holidays works for them. No need to get nasty about it

Odd thing to assume. It's just as likely that Dad has decided that works for him and Mum has to put up with it either way.

Point is, the RP is already massively shouldering the burden of their shared children. She's not unreasonable to expect him to do his share for the holidays as usual.

Not an odd thing to assume. Lots of parents when they split spend time working out how best to look after their children for what is in the best interest of the children. This could be every other weekend and holidays so that the children have a "main home" and feel grounded somewhere or they might decide 50/50 works best. Some RPs can't bear the thought of being away from their children for long and don't allow the NRP any longer.

@Rukaya

For whatever reason mum and dad have decided EOW and holidays works for them. No need to get nasty about it

Odd thing to assume. It's just as likely that Dad has decided that works for him and Mum has to put up with it either way.

Point is, the RP is already massively shouldering the burden of their shared children. She's not unreasonable to expect him to do his share for the holidays as usual.

And yet when dad's go for 50:50 contact, many say it's not in the child's best interests not to have a main base. The decision could have been made for either reason, but I can't help but be a bit cynical about comments like the above.

Not an odd thing to assume. Lots of parents when they split spend time working out how best to look after their children for what is in the best interest of the children. This could be every other weekend and holidays so that the children have a "main home" and feel grounded somewhere or they might decide 50/50 works best. Some RPs can't bear the thought of being away from their children for long and don't allow the NRP any longer.

Of course its odd. Yes, lots do that. But lots don't. You have absolutely no way of knowing what the reasons are for any of it, so its really weird to assume one way and then frame the whole thing using your assumption.
It's pointless.

His children have been effectively banned from their home simply because the father has had yet another child. Families all over the world grow and expand and all manage to adapt and adjust without a lot of drama.

It can be difficult to have a high risk pregnancy . Both my pregnancies were high risk ,and I had 2 miscarriages between the 2 successful births. So, I fully understand the issues that come with high risk pregnancies. However, we did not ban my daughter from her home at any point during or after my pregnancy with her brother.

My ex is a physician and he had started a new practice and could not take time off to stay home with us. My mom came to stay for a week after the birth to help out and we had a regular cleaning service to clean the house.

OP , tbh your husband's ex is concerned with her children's ongoing relationship with their father and less so about your pregnancy status 3 weeks post delivery.

Paternity leave was established to allow father's time to adjust to the new arrival , that adjustment involves fitting the new arrival into the existing family structure. It seems as though you have both forgotten that his existing family structure consists not of 1 but 3 children.

Normal living rarely gives us the opportunity to put aside existing responsibilities simply because we add on new responsibilities. In the real world , we just adjust and juggle all of our responsibilities . These children are not your responsibility , but they are your husband: s ongoing responsibility, and he seems to have forgotten that he now has the same obligation times three.

Congratulations on your new arrival. No matter how difficult it may seem at the moment, keep in mind that pregnancy and post pregnancy adjustments are made all over the world on a daily basis.

You will adjust, and your baby will thrive as part of a large new family.

Of course its odd. Yes, lots do that. But lots don't. You have absolutely no way of knowing what the reasons are for any of it, so its really weird to assume one way and then frame the whole thing using your assumption. It's pointless.

What are you even talking about? It's obvious what that poster meant, they didn't frame the whole thing as anything.

His children have been effectively banned from their home simply because the father has had yet another child
That’s a bit dramatic. They can’t be there because there isn’t someone available to look after them. At their ages they would be banned from their mothers home too if she wasn’t in.

@Happinesscomesfromwithin

And any parent that accepts a partner who differentiates between their children and their step children has chosen wrong and done a massive disfavour to their children.

Any person who doesnt differentiate between their own children and their step children is likely doing a disfavour to their own children. It works both ways.

Op is not the ex wifes free childcare - she has no responsibility towards those children. If she is happy to have them, that's great, but she doesn't HAVE to and shouldn't be relied on to do it.

@Youseethethingis

His children have been effectively banned from their home simply because the father has had yet another child That’s a bit dramatic. They can’t be there because there isn’t someone available to look after them. At their ages they would be banned from their mothers home too if she wasn’t in.

Did you not bother reading the rest of that eminently sensible post?

@Youseethethingis

His children have been effectively banned from their home simply because the father has had yet another child That’s a bit dramatic. They can’t be there because there isn’t someone available to look after them. At their ages they would be banned from their mothers home too if she wasn’t in.

I thought exactly the same. The hyperbole always flows on this subject.

Did you not bother reading the rest of that eminently sensible post?

lol, sensible?

they've "forgotten" he has other kids and you think that's sensible?

Hmm.

I am not sure why people bring more babies into the world, when it was clear the father was only doing the absolute bare minimum for the children he already has.
EOW is the at the bottom of the scale in terms of connection with young children.
This, and this alone would have stopped me from having dc with a man like this. Selfish from the start, and is not about to change, as he has just shown. Poor kids.

@Itsalonghaul

I am not sure why people bring more babies into the world, when it was clear the father was only doing the absolute bare minimum for the children he already has. EOW is the at the bottom of the scale in terms of connection with young children. This, and this alone would have stopped me from having dc with a man like this. Selfish from the start, and is not about to change, as he has just shown. Poor kids.

You do realise EOW if often court ordered? As in that wont be what he wanted, or asked for? Sometimes, believe it or not the RP doesn't want the NRP to have more time than that.

I hate when EOW is made out to be the sole decision of the NRP because i would say 90% of the time its not actually their decision at all.

When dp moved out, his ex gave him what she wanted him to have which was friday night and 14 hours on a sunday, admittedly because she did not want him to have a social life, and he had to take her to mediation to get it changed.

I wish it was as simple as "oh thats what he wanted, bare minimum"

open your fucking eyes people!