Page 11 | New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

Mrscatbells · 2021-03-28T21:16:40+00:00

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !! I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

SpareBib · 29/03/2021 11:58

Well, the DH needs to figure out how he can spend a week of the easter hols with his kids, that's the bottom line, it is what the kids need, so what parents need to do. If he really can't take annual leave, has he looked into taking a week of unpaid parental leave? Or booking them into holiday club during the day whilst staying at yours for the week. OP, it isn't your job to parent his kids, but you shouldn't get in the way of it either, so spend the week with your own mum if you need to.

Easterbunnygettingready · 29/03/2021 11:59

HIS dc are the siblings of the op's dc... How is their relationship going to work with such a divide? Half siblings are not a thing in our house...

JustLyra · 29/03/2021 11:59

@Sugarygoodness

Why can't their mum this one time just have the kids? It's clearly a one off where one holiday can't be exactly 50/50. If she wants OP to be a good step mum, she needs to cut her some slack now in order that the relationship isn't ruined by her insistence.

Perhaps if he’d asked her she might have...

Given he forgot and assumed she’s probably rightly pissed off.

Especially if she’s the one having to deal with two children expecting to be going to Dads in the holidays and have just found out, last minute, that they’re not.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 11:59

@PandaFluff

I'm completely with those who say this is OPs doing and he needs to do his best to sort it out. But if he can't then the best place for his children is with their mother not out on the street/dumped on OP.

Is OH's doing sorry! No way OPs doing.

Alsohuman · 29/03/2021 12:00

@Easterbunnygettingready

Ideal scenario then? He gives up his job and look after all of his dc... The ex doesn't /won't work. Would the op need to work ft or them all stay home and claim benefits instead?

Ideal scenario is he took two weeks paternity leave and another week of leave during the school holidays. No need for your dramatic, hyperbolic scenario.

MrsHusky · 29/03/2021 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rukaya · 29/03/2021 12:01

If their father refuses to have them then she has to look after them

I imagine she will....she normally does after all.

Easterbunnygettingready · 29/03/2021 12:02

6 weeks summer holidays? Can't imagine any boss giving that off..

Bluntness100 · 29/03/2021 12:02

I think it’s not unreasonable to not want to look after the step kids in your own in thr first weeks op. If you’re being asked to do this, then it should be a no.

If however this is more and you’re rejecting the kids because you want your family unit to be just you him and your child then of course this is unacceptable.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 12:03

@Rukaya

If their father refuses to have them then she has to look after them

I imagine she will....she normally does after all.

That's what ideally happens with kids with two parents. One parent screws up a bit and the other helps out.

Beamur · 29/03/2021 12:04

Kindness also means not forgetting your older children when you use up your annual leave.
School holidays do not arrive spontaneously.

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 12:04

@Alsohuman

She is a SAHM so does not need childcare for these holidays

Contact isn’t childcare. When would most people ensure that contact isn’t reduced? That’s right, just after the birth of a new baby when the older children are likely to feel insecure and it’s imperative that they don’t feel pushed out. So what goes their idiot father do? Arrange his leave so he’s at work for the whole of the Easter holidays. OP could have gone to her mum’s for that third week or had her to stay.

I wasn't saying that contact was childcare, at all. My point was she won't need to arrange paid childcare in order to have them more over Easter, so it's not as much of a hardship as it could have been and, using a bit of common sense, this is obviously the best solution. There has been "give" this year what with 50/50 homeschooling, it's not automatically the crime of the century if there's a bit of "take".

I know what people are saying about the children potentially feeling displaced, but honestly I think people are a bit too black and white about all that. Due to the complications following DDs birth, we technically did everything "wrong" (in that it took a few weeks for my step son to be able to come over) and he's never shown any signs of feeling displaced. He wasn't sad about it, either. I'm sure it varies from child to child, but I don't really subscribe to the blanket rule that you MUST ensure contact isn't at all affected and potentially even have the SC more following the birth of a new baby. It depends on the circumstances, and on the child/ren. There are times when I do think it is appropriate to explain to them that SM/baby is still poorly following the birth, but we're so looking forward to them coming over etc etc.

Alsohuman · 29/03/2021 12:04

@Easterbunnygettingready

6 weeks summer holidays? Can't imagine any boss giving that off..

This is Easter. It’s two weeks.

Rukaya · 29/03/2021 12:08

That's what ideally happens with kids with two parents. One parent screws up a bit and the other helps out

No, in this type of set up, the RP has the massive burden of raising the children almost all of the time, while Disney Dad has pleasant visits every other weekend and a bit in the holidays.
Until, of course, he has a new family and its just too much for him and its back to Mum for the kids (while still calling her a bitch ex from hell)

Happinesscomesfromwithin · 29/03/2021 12:09

Not at all a viscous and nasty comment at all. My step mother always treated us as her own and never ever pushed us out. When you marry someone with kids you accept and take on your partner kids and love them as your own. It's a package deal. Not just the partner.

slashlover · 29/03/2021 12:10

at 6 and 9 they're old enough to understand being told that Daddy can't have them at this house this week because Stepmom has a new baby and needs some time to get better before she can look after all 3 of them.

The kids will probably hear this as "Hey kids, daddy can't see you this holiday because he has a new baby now."

More truthful would be that Daddy can't have them at this house this week because daddy has a new baby and daddy took time off of work for the baby but now can't take time off to see them.

malaboi · 29/03/2021 12:11

If their father refuses to have them then she has to look after them.

She cannot force their father to have them when he doesn't want to.

So while you and other mothers, who aren't step-parents who are now posting on here can say he has to have them, the fact is that if he refuses to have them then their mother has to look after them.

Why is the father refusing to have them? They have an arrangement I assume?
And yes if he refuses to have them then the mother has no choice however what does that say about him?

MrsHusky · 29/03/2021 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 12:12

@Happinesscomesfromwithin

Not at all a viscous and nasty comment at all. My step mother always treated us as her own and never ever pushed us out. When you marry someone with kids you accept and take on your partner kids and love them as your own. It's a package deal. Not just the partner.

😂😂😂

Youseethethingis · 29/03/2021 12:13

When you marry someone with kids you accept and take on your partner kids and love them as your own. It's a package deal. Not just the partner.
Well the law, emotions, biology and common sense say different.
The OP won’t be considered a parent of equal standing to the children’s own mother (quite rightly) and there’s a reason step parents have no automatic rights to contact post divorce etc and that’s because you get two parents and that’s it.

GinaJaffacake · 29/03/2021 12:13

@RedMarauder, don’t be ridiculous accusing me of abuse. I have said repeatedly that the childcare responsibilities are not for the OP but for her husband snd his ExW. I am in no way abusing her. She does need to give this all some thought and like it or not, she doesn’t get to enjoy that first baby isolation bubble as her husband has two older children of equal value to her own. The husband needs to sort out his contact arrangements. Whether his ExW works or not is irrelevant. He doesn’t have them as childcare he sees them as contact.

MrsHusky · 29/03/2021 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happinesscomesfromwithin · 29/03/2021 12:14

It's just weird in all areas.

My husband married me and I had small DC and he has always seen us as a package and never ever seen them as not his kids. He goes above and beyond for them and does more for them than their own father does. They are with us most of the time and he is sad and misses them when they are gone. This is the type of partner anyone with kids should aim to find!!!

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 12:15

@Rukaya

That's what ideally happens with kids with two parents. One parent screws up a bit and the other helps out

No, in this type of set up, the RP has the massive burden of raising the children almost all of the time, while Disney Dad has pleasant visits every other weekend and a bit in the holidays.
Until, of course, he has a new family and its just too much for him and its back to Mum for the kids (while still calling her a bitch ex from hell)

But it works both ways if the parents help each other parent rather than just be "your time you deal with them whatever happens". Say mum gets hit by a car tomorrow I would expect dad to take the children while she recovers.

For whatever reason mum and dad have decided EOW and holidays works for them. No need to get nasty about it.

Shineonyoucrazy · 29/03/2021 12:15

You aren't being unreasonable at all, you've got your hands snd head full with the new baby. Congratulations by the way. How do your DH snd his ex normally cover school holidays? If they share them, she is not being unreasonable to expect this holiday to be no exception unless he's asked her very nicely to cover more on this occasion. Does she have to go to work? Your DH needs to work this out with her and take leave or pay for kids club or ask his parents to help or whatever.