Still struggling with being a step mum 5 years on

[Vlmp]

Hi

I’m reaching out for anyone who might be able to help and give me tips !

I have a SD who is nearly 10. I met her at 5 and her dad and I now have our own son and expecting a second.

I never thought I would be a step parent - It’s something I would have avoided but you can’t help who you meet sometimes. I met SD for the first time and have to say I struggled - she was spoilt, bratty, whingey and I just didn’t warm to her. Things did get better and actually her dad has said he thinks us building a safe family environment has helped. No issues with the ex all very amicable. We have her every weekend - pre lockdown every other weekend just for one night but now we are having her every weekend all weekend as her mum is picking up all the home schooling in the week which is only fair.

Thing is this has just highlighted even more than before that I prefer life / our house when she is not here. Her behaviour isn’t bad at all , she has moments but don’t all kids. But I just feel nothing for her, it feels awkward when we are alone together without her dad. It goes both ways I know she isn’t particularly bothered about me or my son, she never asks about us when she face times her dad in the week but at weekends will always ask her mum where her partner is. I have to discipline her to a certain extent as clearly have to also parent my own child but I do step back and let my husband take the lead with her and he is much more relaxed than I am. Our son who is 7 years younger often displays better behaviour but only because that is how I’ve raised him.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I wish I could click a button and get that feeling. Don’t get me wrong I make an effort, I buy her food she likes, I ask her questions and chat but my heart just isn’t in it. After all this time I had hoped it wouldn’t bother me that much.

I know lockdown isn’t a normal time and maybe getting some time back with my husband at weekends will help. I can’t talk to him I have in the past but it causes an argument as he just accuses me of not liking her - which on occasions yes I don’t. Thing is when your own kids annoy you you still haven’t had undeniable love for them and I don’t have that with her.

Please don’t judge - I don’t want to feel this way and I worry I will never find a way to enjoy my life with her in it .

Hi, I just wanted to say I feel the same way. It's not that I dislike my SS I just dont particularly like him and feel he is annoying. Of course all kids are annoying, I have my own Son who is incredibly annoying/rude/wingey ect.. at times but it's much harder to tolerate when you dont love the child.
Perhaps just being amicable and making it 'work' is the best we can hope for. I think putting pressure on to get those feelings is just added stress, I do think husbands/partners have unrealistic expectations of how a step Mum should feel.
My partner and I both have a child each, although hes made little to no effort with my Son he has admitted he feels hurt that I have no bonded with his Son. He says its different as I'm a woman who should be more maternal?!
It's a struggle but what can we really do? Just make her feel welcome and let her enjoy her time with her Dad without getting too involved.

It's too late now, but you really shouldn't have had a child, and now two with a man who's child you don't really like.

You say you're ds is 7 and she's almost 10 did you get pregnant straight away into the relationship? It sounds like you never really got the opportunity to let the relationship develop with just you her and her df and thats where the problem here lies. Then you've had a baby and created a divide. What does you're dp say? I'm.surpised you've having another child in this current situation tbh she's not going to go away. I would suggest making plan on what you can do to make her more involved in the family unit? Let her suggest and plan a day out?

What you feel is normal OP and yes might improve when lockdown lifts and contact changes.

I'd be wary of your husband's defensiveness and inability to understand, though.

@Teardrop2021

You say you're ds is 7 and she's almost 10 did you get pregnant straight away into the relationship? It sounds like you never really got the opportunity to let the relationship develop with just you her and her df and thats where the problem here lies. Then you've had a baby and created a divide. What does you're dp say? I'm.surpised you've having another child in this current situation tbh she's not going to go away. I would suggest making plan on what you can do to make her more involved in the family unit? Let her suggest and plan a day out?

Her DS is 7 years younger.

So long as you're trying your best and treating her well, you have nothing to feel bad about. You simply can't help how you feel.

I can’t talk to him I have in the past but it causes an argument as he just accuses me of not liking her

And this is where HE is failing. He wants it to work too? Then he needs to listen to you, for a start - acknowledge at the very least that you don't like the fact that you aren't in a good place with this. And then he needs to at least be on your side and supportive in finding a solution.

Unfortunately, I don't have an advice for you, as it's the same for me. I did like her at the beginning and it seemed to be mutual, but then she did a 180 and became rude to me and my son who she apparently used to love and play with all the while getting super involved with our joint child and well as displaying respect for her mother's boyfriend and his son.

We are ok now, but I could never recover my feelings for her. I make efforts to talk to her, to make things she likes, etc. but the feeling is still there...I've been working on accepting the things we way they are, what else can we do?

If you've always felt nothing for her, it was probably unwise to marry her dad knowing she'd be in your home on a regular basis...but that ship has sailed. I wouldn't want someone in my house that I didn't even like every week or fortnight.

I can’t talk to him I have in the past but it causes an argument as he just accuses me of not liking her - which on occasions yes I don’t.

I'm wondering what you really expect him to say. I mean what is it you say to him that leads to these arguments...I prefer it when your DD isn't here?

Would any woman here honestly entertain their DH saying he prefers it when his SC has gone to their dad's and feels nothing for them?

I can tell you that the responses would be to LTB and not subject their child to living with someone like that, as it will affect their well-being.

Would you be happy if your DH said he didn't want to see his DD anymore and she stopped coming over?

The way you feel about your children, is the way he feels about his...so he's not the one to help navigate your feelings on preferring life without his daughter. A therapist would be a better option...but a therapist can't change how you feel. They can explore why you feel this way...it may bring something to the surface you need a professional to help with.

It goes both ways I know she isn’t particularly bothered about me or my son, she never asks about us when she face times her dad in the week but at weekends will always ask her mum where her partner is.

She probably senses you aren't keen on her, so she hasn't come closer to you in any emotional kind of way. She obviously has a better bond and relationship with her mum's partner who she sees more. Just because you buy what a kid likes and aren't openly mean to them, doesn't mean they can't sense you don't like them.

I'd also say that when a child picks up on you not particularly liking them, it will affect them bonding with their half sibling. That applies to your child and her.

You don't have to love her. She already has 2 parents that do...but feeling nothing sounds rather cold. Do you think your husband would have married you, if you told him how you truly felt about his daughter? As these feelings haven't just come up recently.

I don’t want to feel this way and I worry I will never find a way to enjoy my life with her in it .

I sense that you don't think your feelings or lack of are appropriate and it does bother you somewhat.

If it's this bad and you really can’t enjoy your life with her, then perhaps you should consider a separation or divorce and you won't have to see her again. This isn't a case if she'll only be around for a couple of years...she's not going anywhere.

If it's this bad and you really can’t enjoy your life with her, then perhaps you should consider a separation or divorce and you won't have to see her again. This isn't a case if she'll only be around for a couple of years...she's not going anywhere.

Hey OP, it's not quite that bad. Your SD will grow up and leave eventually...she is likely to be around you much less when the puberty hits too..
I think the way you are feeling isn't unusual, just make an effort to be kind to your SD, you don't have to like her.

@SandyY2K My partner knows that I naturally prefer it when my SS isn't here, because it's much harder work and it's not for my benefit, but I don't begrudge it because it's important to both of them. It would be a hell of a lot harder to deal with if I was living with the unspoken assumption that I should love him and like it better with him there. I agree it depends largely on how OP is presenting this to him and what she is expecting him to do about it, but he shouldn't be at all surprised by how she feels.

It's too late now, but you really shouldn't have had a child, and now two with a man who's child you don't really like.

Helpful comment.

Why is acceptable to so many people on here to tell stepmums that their children shouldn’t exist?

[quote aSofaNearYou]@SandyY2K My partner knows that I naturally prefer it when my SS isn't here, because it's much harder work and it's not for my benefit, but I don't begrudge it because it's important to both of them. It would be a hell of a lot harder to deal with if I was living with the unspoken assumption that I should love him and like it better with him there. I agree it depends largely on how OP is presenting this to him and what she is expecting him to do about it, but he shouldn't be at all surprised by how she feels.[/quote]
Exactly. I feel the same about my SC.

@funinthesun19

It's too late now, but you really shouldn't have had a child, and now two with a man who's child you don't really like.

Helpful comment.

Why is acceptable to so many people on here to tell stepmums that their children shouldn’t exist?

Can you imagine telling a lone parent the same?

I completely agree with @SandyY2K

It's ok not to love a step child, but you don't like them and don't want her around. There is no way for your husband to respond to this, what on earth could he say to make you happier?

A child shouldn't have to grow up in a home where the are disliked by an adult.

Don't worry OP. She has more than lots of kids of separated parents. Her emotional needs (presumably) are met by her mum & dad although separated.

You are not unkind to her by what you have said, but meet her basic needs whilst she is with you.

You know how you feel & can articulate it. You are aware & as long as she doesn't get scapegoated with issues between adults the she'll be fine. You guys just don't warm to each other - that's ok as long as it doesn't too into you being cold. It might change as she gets older, but maybe not.

Have you tried finding something you both enjoy together. Have a 'thing' that you can share. It's much easier to talk if there is something for you to concentrate on together. Could be a craft thing or something. She can see you out time & a bit of money for something that you share & will give you a chance to show you care for an hour or so, even if it's not a close relationship.
She'll remember that you have made an effort.

Hi OP

I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same, I've been a SM for 7 years, I have SS8 SS11 and SD12.

I was a bit different to you in that in the beginning, I adored them. They were 5, 4 and 1 when I met them and my DS was 3 at the time. It worked perfectly as I'd always wanted a bigger family and DS loved having stepsiblings.

Then as time has worn on I have really come to dislike them. Their mum has always been high conflict, things like not letting the DC call me by my name and insisting I'm referred to as "that woman" and calling DH "your babysitter"

SD estranged herself from us nearly two years ago and my God that hurt. And since then, I have really struggled with my SS's they are rude and obnoxious and I prefer it when they're not here. The bond you have with your own child is just different. DS can play up and I still love him infinitely but my SS's push all my buttons things like "what's SHE doing here?" when I accompany DH to collect them from school etc.

Being a stepmother isn't for everyone and it's certainly not for me. Don't beat yourself up over it

OP I've been there. It gets better.

I remember it often being somewhat uncomfortable together when my SS's dad was not around. Nothing dramatic, just that it's easier without them there. You're just being honest.
It is hard to parent a child when you are not the adult setting her standards of rules and behaviour.
My SS also had a mother who was quite quiet and maybe not as demonstrative as me, so it felt like he disliked me when I'm sure now it was just general kid awkwardness.

However, the onset of puberty and horror teenage year will likely mean she takes out most of the angst and wrath on her natural parents, and you might well find you become the easier option to be around. She's unlikely to kick off at you in the same way as her parents. This is how it worked in our house anyway. Almost forced the angry teen to calm it down a bit, as there's a semi-stranger/non parent in the house.

This became over the years for me a quite special relationship with my SS through the teen years. Eg I could talk to him a little about drinking, drugs etc, in a way that he wouldn't have wanted to discuss stuff with his parents. You can fill a sort of 'cool aunt' role and it's not a bad thing to have a constant third parent in a child's life offering that kind of stability.

PP above are being unreasonably rude, I don't think you sound like you are doing a bad job!

Most of what you say is fairly normal, but this jumped out at me:

Our son who is 7 years younger often displays better behaviour but only because that is how I’ve raised him.

How can you possibly know that?! What a ludicrous thing to say. Apart from the fact that kids have different personalities, a 3-year-old is in no way comparable to a pre-teen who will be dealing with the beginnings of puberty as well as separated parents and a 2-home setup. Don't be so sneery, and smug about your DC, you haven't a clue how they'll behave when they're 10.

As I said no judgement and obviously I was wrong for thinking this was a helpful and positive space to share something . No comment would have sufficed

Thank you! This helped and maybe we will bond as she gets older. I’ve been honest and quite shocked at the negativity - I’ve not said I’m proud of how I feel ! But I would never let her know or feel this on purpose and would always look out for her well-being

@LadyDanburysHat not sure your comment was necessary . We would never wish away our children - and I include my step daughter in that! I was asking for help

@HavelockVetinari
As I said no judgement and obviously I was wrong for thinking this was a helpful and positive space to share something . No comment would have sufficed

Why is acceptable to so many people on here to tell stepmums that their children shouldn’t exist

I never once said their children shouldn't exist. You're simply making things up to suit your narrative. I said it was unwise to marry a man when you don't like his child and that child will be in your home on a regular basis.

It would be different if he had a child he didn't see, or had very limited contact with and would have no impact on you.

I think it hits a nerve to hear this and creates defensiveness because it brings home the choice you made.

If there is something about a partner that you don't like and it's not as insignificant as leaving the toilet seat up, then why go ahead and subject yourself to this on a permanent basis.

How many people can honestly say they'd be happy that their child was spending every week or fortnight with a stepparent who didn't like them? I'm not saying didn't love them...but just didn't like them and would rather they weren't there.

Can you imagine telling a lone parent the same?

Please elaborate...what's wrong with being a lone parent...People are lone parents for a number of reasons. Widowed, divorced, Personal choice to be a single parent. .

It's a different matter if you make a conscious decision to bring a child into the world and don't have the financial means to support them, thus leading to a poor quality of life and being impoverished.

A child shouldn't have to grow up in a home where the are disliked by an adult.

Absolutely 💯

Any parent who knowingly marries someone who dislikes their child and will have regular contact with them, clearly doesn't have their child's best interest at heart.

@lunar1 @SandyY2K I would never ask him to not see her I just need to find a way for it to feel more comfortable. He has known my feelings from day one I have been honest and I make a lot of effort to make sure she feels included and welcomed. When they first moved in with me I really made sure she had her room all decorated etc somewhere to call home and feel comfortable. I do try but I guess my point was I’m trying and would prefer it to come naturally to me.