Still struggling with being a step mum 5 years on

[Vlmp]

Hi

I’m reaching out for anyone who might be able to help and give me tips !

I have a SD who is nearly 10. I met her at 5 and her dad and I now have our own son and expecting a second.

I never thought I would be a step parent - It’s something I would have avoided but you can’t help who you meet sometimes. I met SD for the first time and have to say I struggled - she was spoilt, bratty, whingey and I just didn’t warm to her. Things did get better and actually her dad has said he thinks us building a safe family environment has helped. No issues with the ex all very amicable. We have her every weekend - pre lockdown every other weekend just for one night but now we are having her every weekend all weekend as her mum is picking up all the home schooling in the week which is only fair.

Thing is this has just highlighted even more than before that I prefer life / our house when she is not here. Her behaviour isn’t bad at all , she has moments but don’t all kids. But I just feel nothing for her, it feels awkward when we are alone together without her dad. It goes both ways I know she isn’t particularly bothered about me or my son, she never asks about us when she face times her dad in the week but at weekends will always ask her mum where her partner is. I have to discipline her to a certain extent as clearly have to also parent my own child but I do step back and let my husband take the lead with her and he is much more relaxed than I am. Our son who is 7 years younger often displays better behaviour but only because that is how I’ve raised him.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I wish I could click a button and get that feeling. Don’t get me wrong I make an effort, I buy her food she likes, I ask her questions and chat but my heart just isn’t in it. After all this time I had hoped it wouldn’t bother me that much.

I know lockdown isn’t a normal time and maybe getting some time back with my husband at weekends will help. I can’t talk to him I have in the past but it causes an argument as he just accuses me of not liking her - which on occasions yes I don’t. Thing is when your own kids annoy you you still haven’t had undeniable love for them and I don’t have that with her.

Please don’t judge - I don’t want to feel this way and I worry I will never find a way to enjoy my life with her in it .

I just need to find a way for it to feel more comfortable.

How do you think your DH could make you feel more comfortable with his DD?
I'm genuinely asking, because I can't think of anything.

I'm just wondering how I'd respond if my DH said he felt nothing for my child, preferred it when they weren't here, dreaded them coming over and wanted my help with those feelings.

I'll be honest, I'd feel that I'd made a huge mistake in marrying him since my child's presence made him uncomfortable in our home. I wouldn't want to subject my spouse to this sinking feeling every week and I'd just feel anything they did for my child was forced and not from the heart.

I also don't think it is fair for my child to have regular contact with someone who finds their presence so uncomfortable or difficult, even if they honestly don't like feeling that way.

It would be a sad situation, but I'd honestly feel we couldn't live together anymore. I don't expect anyone to love my children or feel the way I do about them, but knowing my child's presence brings what it does for you is very different.

He has known my feelings from day one

Did you actually use the words you've used here in this thread? ..As in you feel nothing for her, she was bratty and spoilt and you prefer it when she doesn’t come over?

Or did you say something along the lines of It feels a bit awkward between me and DSD I'm not used to kids or it could be challenging but I'll try my best

Because him knowing you feel awkward or uncomfortable when she's around, isn't quite the same as some of the other stuff you've said.

I do try but I guess my point was I’m trying and would prefer it to come naturally to me.

The difference in your post and similar threads, is you don't like how you feel...so I do empathise.

I would once again suggest therapy to work through your feelings with a professional. It's can be really helpful and perhaps bring to light why you feel this way, so you can make peace with your feelings. Sometimes these feelings relate to something implicit within us, that a counsellor or therapist can bring to the surface.

I can't imagine the stress of having a child (or an adult) in my house on such a regular basis that made me uncomfortable.

It's one thing having for example your pain in the neck MIL visit....I have an inlaw (BIL) I'm not keen on as he can be horrible...but I would never have married my DH if I had to see him on any kind of regular basis. I see him on average twice a year and I keep my distance then.

As she gets older she'll be even more aware of the awkwardness and sense your feelings. This may result in her coming less often or not at all, which may impact on her relationship with her dad. Do not be surprised if she chooses not to include you in future life events, as a result of this not so great relationship between you...it may or may not bother you.

One of my friends said she felt tolerated by her SM and hated going there, but her mum said she had to go and once she turned I think 13/14, she stopped going to her dads and he made no effort after that. She didn't see much of her dad after that.

@SandyY2K it’s perfectly possible to tolerate one part of your life because other areas are so fulfilling that they more than make up for it.

I don’t particularly enjoy my DSS visits. But I have a wonderful relationship with my DH and it would be more of a hardship to be a single parent to our DC and spilt their home up. My DSS is one element of my otherwise very happy happy, fulfilling marriage, he is not the overriding element. My DH knows how I feel and understands, he doesn’t push for more. It isn’t necessary.

@Onwednesdayswewearblack

Don't kid yourself your sd knows exactly how you feel, and the reason that you don't like her is because she is a very real reminder that your dh had a sexual relationship with someone else.

Wow, we're all 14 years old again!

Unfortunately there are some very unhelpful posters when step parenting is involved, usually those who have no experience of it.

It’s not unusual to dislike a step child and your feelings aren’t wrong but totally natural. I wish I could say it’ll get better, but I have a 17 year old SD and things are pretty terrible right now.

I’m seeking an escape plan. I hope you work it out before it gets that far.

I get very angry with posters like @Onwednesdayswewearblack

It has nothing to do with not wanting our husbands to have had previous sexual relationships. That’s is such an ill informed and immature comment. Try living the life of a stepparent for just one weekend!

@Onwednesdayswewearblack

Don't kid yourself your sd knows exactly how you feel, and the reason that you don't like her is because she is a very real reminder that your dh had a sexual relationship with someone else.

Utter rubbish.

*it’s perfectly possible to tolerate one part of your life because other areas are so fulfilling that they more than make up for it.
*
This. I do to too, it is possible.

@Dundee67890

I get very angry with posters like *@Onwednesdayswewearblack*

It has nothing to do with not wanting our husbands to have had previous sexual relationships. That’s is such an ill informed and immature comment. Try living the life of a stepparent for just one weekend!

Yes - many of us had colourful pasts and have an ability to move forward. It’s the existing impact on my life that’s difficult to accept. Not the conception!

@Onwednesdayswewearblack clearly I’m not alone thinking there is no need for that post. I have a past too and trust my husband implicitly! He and his ex had been split for years before I even met him so I have no issue with this and would never hold a child responsible for such ill feelings.

Thank you for all the other comments. @DinoHat I agree with you it is worth it for so many other things. And maybe my initial post came across wrong - I don’t hate the time altogether but just prefer it and feel more comfortable when it’s just the 3 of us.

@SandyY2K I can see it from your point of view. I’ve spoken as openly and honestly with him and he agrees that she used to be spoilt and he thinks she is much happier and has benefitted from the structure we as a unit have given her. He just perhaps thought it would all be easier - so did I !!

Structure helps kids a lot.

I'm going to ask a few questions to try and help...but you don't have to answer. It's just that I can tell frim what you've said that you don't like how things currently are.

I hope you find a way to feel better about it.

Can I ask, how was she when she became a big sister? Was she excited or jealous. Any difference in her behaviour then?

Does she play with her little brother sometimes? I know it's a big age gap and she may not be that interested in a toddler?

Does she have any interests you could share with her...do together. Anything like activities that can get you on the same side perhaps. Something to build common ground between you.

I think 10 is still young enough to change things...if she gets to being a teen..it'll be too late.

Does she have other siblings from her mum?

Is it that she does things you don't like? Or has a personality you don't like?
Or is it just that you don't like the idea of a stepchild?

Is there a feeling that when she comes over, you don't have your family unit and she's like someone stepping in?

I ask because I have a friend with a SC ...well they're divorced now and that was a big part of it. She hated her SS coming over. She used to go out as much as she could when he came. I don't think she could hide her feelings like you do, because the boy knew she didn't like him and said so to his dad.

She was angry he was included in a family photo which was in their living room and hated explaining who he was when people saw it. She said she found it embarrassing.

She too let her DH know how she felt and although she's my friend, I could see what a difficult position he was in...what could he do? She actually told me she hates hearing her SS name mentioned and her tone changed when she said it to me.

In the end he said if she can't accept it, it's her choice to leave. She had 3 kids with him, so it wasn't that easy to leave, but when she got her finances in order she left.

I’m the same OP. I like my SDs and I’m ok when they’re here, I even enjoy their company at times but generally I’m a bit indifferent in my feelings towards them.
I don’t miss them or crave their company. At times I feel uncomfortable in the sense that I’m definitely much less at ease when they’re here, but I don’t dislike them if that makes sense?

For me it feels like I’m babysitting someone else’s kids. I do it to help out but there is a sense of relief when they leave and I feel I can relax again.

There’s “like” between us but not love. For example I like my friend’s children and am happy to be in their company, but would I give them a kidney or put myself in danger to save them like I would with my own children? Probably not.

I love my DP and they are part of him so they’re a package deal. I don’t actively enjoy being a stepparent but I adore my DP so it’s something I accept and plod along with.

I’m not unrealistic though, I don’t expect my DP to feel any differently about my kids.

*I don’t miss them or crave their company. At times I feel uncomfortable in the sense that I’m definitely much less at ease when they’re here, but I don’t dislike them if that makes sense?

For me it feels like I’m babysitting someone else’s kids. I do it to help out but there is a sense of relief when they leave and I feel I can relax again.*

This captures my feelings quite well, too.

@LouJ85

*I don’t miss them or crave their company. At times I feel uncomfortable in the sense that I’m definitely much less at ease when they’re here, but I don’t dislike them if that makes sense?

For me it feels like I’m babysitting someone else’s kids. I do it to help out but there is a sense of relief when they leave and I feel I can relax again.*

This captures my feelings quite well, too.

And mine, too. My partner also knows and understands my feelings. I like my step kids. Most of the time. They're lovely kids, we have fun, we can chat, they're kind and we get on but I still breathe a sigh of relief when they go home on a Sunday night because I can finally relax and get my own space back. I like them lots but I could never feel about them how I feel about my own Son but while they're with us they are treated exactly the same as my own. I don't miss them when they're not here unlike my DS and DH who both misses them.

@CremeEggFan

Yes my partner knows and understands too, which helps. I think problems can arise when a partner's expectations are that you must love and adore time with their kids in the same way they do - that's just such a pressured unhealthy dynamic IMO. Unless that comes naturally to the SM, trying to force that or making her feel guilty for not feeling it, is just a recipe for disaster.

I think the vast majority of stepparents feel this to some degree. Obviously there will be exceptions depending on how well all parties coparent and how much the stepparent wants/is allowed to get involved with the children.

I think it works well for me and my DP because we spend time with each other’s children (well he lives with mine) but neither of us expects the other to do anything for their SCs.
DP doesn’t expect me to do any of the running around, cooking or cleaning for his kids. I don’t expect that from him either.
Unfortunately for me that does mean that the vast majority of household related tasks fall to me as me and my children outnumber singular DP.

I do the majority of washing (it’s overwhelmingly my children’s stuff), cooking and clean my children’s bedding and rooms because those are my role as their parent.

I don’t touch his DD’s room. I don’t even go in there.

DP does general household jobs like hoovering, emptying the bins, mopping and cleaning the bathrooms. These are things he would have had to do if he lived on his own, I don’t want to add to his workload. Similarly I do nothing for his kids in any practical sense.

It works for us.

I think resentment builds when the expectation from one side of the partnership is different to the other’s.

I like my SDs but they’re not my children and I don’t want the added responsibility for them. I don’t mind doing everything for my kids as long as DP doesn’t expect it of me with regards to his kids.

When lockdown has lifted, you should plan a weekend or an overnight stay away, somewhere fun with your SD. It might be awkward at first but unless you put yourself out there then nothing will ever change. You sound like a nice person and an honest one and eventually that little girl will be an adult, getting married and having children of her own. I’m sure when that time comes you would like to be included or asked for advice, so I would try and build the relationship now when she is still young. Good luck OP

eventually that little girl will be an adult, getting married and having children of her own. I’m sure when that time comes you would like to be included or asked for advice, so I would try and build the relationship now when she is still young. Good luck OP

As much as I agree that building a strong relationship could only be a good thing, I never understand this argument. I can't imagine being overly concerned with being closely involved with my SCs children, whilst not being overly concerned with my SC themselves.

@aSofaNearYou

eventually that little girl will be an adult, getting married and having children of her own. I’m sure when that time comes you would like to be included or asked for advice, so I would try and build the relationship now when she is still young. Good luck OP

As much as I agree that building a strong relationship could only be a good thing, I never understand this argument. I can't imagine being overly concerned with being closely involved with my SCs children, whilst not being overly concerned with my SC themselves.

I thought the same when I read this.
As I feel right now, I don't have any strong desire to be included in the lives of my DP's kids as adults. It would be obviously lovely if they felt they wanted to come to me for advice etc, but equally I have no burning desire for this to happen - they have a mum for that after all. The only children I hope to have this level of closeness with as adults, are my own.

The oy way to make it tere is to focus on her positive points. They might not be the points that you find more important, but every child exhibit qualities. You need to recognise what they are and interact to encourage these to show themselves.

You need to try to see her as a positive person who is bringing some wealth and your and your son life.

If you continue to focus on the reasons why you don't like her, you are only reinforcing your negative feelings and that the only way to be happier if for her not to be in your life, which is not possible.

Why not start with making a list of her qualities. It might take some time to change your mindset and find some but they will be there.

I'm amazed at some of the comments people receive when they are reaching out for support and help on here. Unconditional positive regard would go a long way.

I'm relatively new to being a SP I've been with my partner 18 months and we only moved in together 3.5 months ago. DP has his kids EOW and 1 night during the week - but on the whole I struggle with their presence 75% of the time and I can relate to a lot of the sentiments and feelings you have raised. On a quest to try and cope with it better I have joined forums such as this and others, and what I can say is you are not alone in feeling as you do. Step-parenting is very hard and full of challenges. This has brought me much comfort and strength (I can stop guilt tripping myself).

Your post comes across as very rational and balanced on the whole and what I sense is that you have feelings that you are not comfortable with, that you want to try to make sense of and resolve.

There is no obligation for you to love her like your own. I guess you don't even really have to like her - the minimum requirement is that you treat her with respect. It sounds like you are doing that, and that is enough. Can you relieve yourself of these uncomfortable feelings and make peace with yourself - know that it is OK not to have any significant attachment to her. You respect her because of her dad, and that's enough.

I am fortunate that DP is very attentive and understanding of my struggles with being a SP. In a previous relationship, his partner had a child so he can empathise with the mental/emotional challenges of having someone else's child in your space (mental/emotionally and physically). This means I can tell him when I am finding it difficult - and we can talk about it in a safe way as well as developing coping mechanisms that work for all of us. Can you set up a safe conversation time and space with your partner where you can articulate your feelings without it being an argument? Communication will help a lot here and it would be better if you can collaborate on ways of coping that work for all of you.

What 'protective' strategies do you have in place when you are struggling with SD? Can you take yourself off to be by yourself or with your son? She's not your daughter and you don't have to parent her - is there a strategy to redirect parenting to dad?

It takes strength and courage to write what you have and I commend your for airing some difficult sentiments. I hope you can work through these feelings to find some peace for yourself and to make your family home feel more comfortable.

OP I think you need to concentrate on treating her with kindness - she isn’t your child and you will never feel the same way about her as your own . Stop beating yourself up .

@aSofaNearYou

What you feel is normal OP and yes might improve when lockdown lifts and contact changes.

I'd be wary of your husband's defensiveness and inability to understand, though.

This...

It seems to be a thing where the biological parent defends their child when non-biological other half makes comment, they never seem to understand... avoid criticism at all costs.

@squishy20 thanks for your comments. Hopefully you too will find some comfort knowing you’re not alone ! I perhaps do need to take myself off more when feeling the pressure but I’m also so conscious not to create an obvious divide! I guess it’s a fine balance !

@LouJ85

*I don’t miss them or crave their company. At times I feel uncomfortable in the sense that I’m definitely much less at ease when they’re here, but I don’t dislike them if that makes sense?

For me it feels like I’m babysitting someone else’s kids. I do it to help out but there is a sense of relief when they leave and I feel I can relax again.*

This captures my feelings quite well, too.

This really does capture how I feel! It’s not like I hate all being together at all but it’s like a relief like I don’t have to make an effort in my own house !

@SandyY2K

She definitely has jealous moments but they do play together occasionally and get on well. And I know all kids get jealous of siblings. Sometimes I think she can be overly harsh and I would pull her up if she was mine but I have to bite my tongue - which just feeds into my anxiety when she is here.

I struggle to find common ground - I’ll ask her questions and just get a one word answer so hard to build a conversation. But she is very much included - most weekends we do everything together. She is in family photos around the house - but I can’t lie I do like to also have some of jsut me my husband and our child - but not instead of just as well as .

I think lockdown has just heightened everything to be honest. And I think it’s a bit of both - I struggle to find parts of her personality that I warm to and I never thought I would be a step parent in the first place. But I love my husband and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be in her life as much as he was before me . I jsut need to feel more at peace with my own feelings