Still struggling with being a step mum 5 years on

[Vlmp]

Hi

I’m reaching out for anyone who might be able to help and give me tips !

I have a SD who is nearly 10. I met her at 5 and her dad and I now have our own son and expecting a second.

I never thought I would be a step parent - It’s something I would have avoided but you can’t help who you meet sometimes. I met SD for the first time and have to say I struggled - she was spoilt, bratty, whingey and I just didn’t warm to her. Things did get better and actually her dad has said he thinks us building a safe family environment has helped. No issues with the ex all very amicable. We have her every weekend - pre lockdown every other weekend just for one night but now we are having her every weekend all weekend as her mum is picking up all the home schooling in the week which is only fair.

Thing is this has just highlighted even more than before that I prefer life / our house when she is not here. Her behaviour isn’t bad at all , she has moments but don’t all kids. But I just feel nothing for her, it feels awkward when we are alone together without her dad. It goes both ways I know she isn’t particularly bothered about me or my son, she never asks about us when she face times her dad in the week but at weekends will always ask her mum where her partner is. I have to discipline her to a certain extent as clearly have to also parent my own child but I do step back and let my husband take the lead with her and he is much more relaxed than I am. Our son who is 7 years younger often displays better behaviour but only because that is how I’ve raised him.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I wish I could click a button and get that feeling. Don’t get me wrong I make an effort, I buy her food she likes, I ask her questions and chat but my heart just isn’t in it. After all this time I had hoped it wouldn’t bother me that much.

I know lockdown isn’t a normal time and maybe getting some time back with my husband at weekends will help. I can’t talk to him I have in the past but it causes an argument as he just accuses me of not liking her - which on occasions yes I don’t. Thing is when your own kids annoy you you still haven’t had undeniable love for them and I don’t have that with her.

Please don’t judge - I don’t want to feel this way and I worry I will never find a way to enjoy my life with her in it .

Sheesh. Nowhere did the OP say she didn't like her DSD, so I don't know why some posters are putting that on her.

OP I can relate. My DSD is an adult now, but I used to feel this ambivalence too sometimes when she was younger. It sounds like you are working hard to make sure your DSD doesn't pick up on what you feel (as I did, and my relationship with my DSD is good), so I can't see why a few people on here have seen fit to be so hard on you. I think the number of people saying they can relate is much more telling. Stepparenting is hard. That instinctive gut-level love often doesn't just appear out of nowhere like it does for a person's own kids.

Hope things get easier.

@LadyDanburysHat

It's too late now, but you really shouldn't have had a child, and now two with a man who's child you don't really like.

This

OP it is hard being a stepmum but ultimately everyone's life now and in the future will be so much happier if you can find a way to not only like but enjoy the time you spend with your SD. If you could start by thinking of something small you can do together and build from there.

My SC are 24 and 21, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't be without them, but it has taken lots of time, enthusiasm and sometimes real battles. They are the siblings my daughter always wanted and we are really close.

Good luck, I am sure you will find a way through this.

@feistyoneyouare thank you. Yes I am shocked with the negativity - I know it’s a difficult taboo subject I said I’m not happy with how I feel! And like you said I didn’t say I don’t like her - I have moments of not liking her - I have moments of not liking my own son any parent that says they like their children all the time - when they are mis tantrum etc - surely are lying!!

Thank you for your comments and support

@ohhhhitsme again helpful thanks

OP there’s always someone ready to stick the boot in on these boards. It’s so difficult as a SM you can never ask for advice without someone flipping the child to the forefront. There is a time and a place for doing that - and a board for support in a safe space, away from the DC is not it.

You don't have to love her, you don't have to like her, you're perfectly entitled to prefer it when she's not there. All you have to do is be nice enough to her that she never realises any of the above. I speak from experience!

I never thought I would be a step parent - It’s something I would have avoided but you can’t help who you meet sometimes.

No but you can help who you form a relationship and have kids with, especially when there’s already an innocent child involved.

I’m afraid you have no choice here but to suck it up and hope your DSD never notices how you really feel about her. Being brutally honest, you may never find a way to enjoy your life with her in it, and unfortunately she won’t be going anywhere, even when she turns 18. Perhaps it would be the kindest and most sensible thing to do to separate if you really aren’t enjoying your life with her in it .

I didn't realise your child is 2 not 7 even so if you didn't like her in between then to form a bond before then why have a child then get pregnant again its unfair on her. My ds1 isn't my dhs we wouldn't have the other 2 if he didn't like him and if he couldn't form a bond. Him liking ds was a case of make or break of our relationship.

@BrilliantBetty someone certainly is coming across like a nasty piece of work, but it isn't OP.

I'm a few more years down the line from you, and feel exactly the same. You are not alone.

I feel the same OP and actually so do all the other stepmums I know in real life. We don't love our SDC or see them as our own, we don't get any enjoyment out of them staying but we are kind, pleasant and welcome them to our home during contact time because we love their dad. If you have a look at the other posts in step parenting you'll see lots of people feel just like we do and they're always jumped on.

There seems to be a lot of vitriol against SMs on Mumsnet. I often wonder if these posters who feel so strongly aren't actually stepparents but are on this forum because their children have a stepparent and maybe these posts strike a nerve?

You're absolutely entitled to feel how you feel and as other posters have said the only thing that matters is that you're kind to your stepchild and never let on how you feel to them and cause any upset

But sadly I have no advice to offer, just empathy and I hope that over time we finally feel comfortable and maybe even enjoy contact time

OP, this is completely normal, don't beat yourself up. I don't feel anything in particular towards my DP's children either. I'm polite and kind to them, but I don't feel anything. That's OK. They aren't your children, and as you say, every mother knows the difference of that unconditional love and bond they feel for their own children. It's hard, but just keep doing as you are doing, and don't beat yourself up for your perfectly natural feelings.

@amylou8

You don't have to love her, you don't have to like her, you're perfectly entitled to prefer it when she's not there. All you have to do is be nice enough to her that she never realises any of the above. I speak from experience!

This!
I speak from experience too.

My partner knows that I naturally prefer it when my SS isn't here, because it's much harder work and it's not for my benefit, but I don't begrudge it because it's important to both of them.

Mine knows this too, and he understands. They don't come over for me, they come to see him. He gets that.

[quote Vlmp]@HavelockVetinari
As I said no judgement and obviously I was wrong for thinking this was a helpful and positive space to share something . No comment would have sufficed[/quote]
No need to be passive aggressive. As I said in my comment, most of what you're feeling is totally normal. It was just that your own comment about how your child doesn't act out like your DSD because of your parenting sounds like you think it's due to your superior parenting, whereas most parents know that (a) all kids are different; and (b) comparing a 3-year-old and a 10-year-old isn't an appropriate measure.

No need to cry "unsupportive!" when I just pointed out an inconsistency. MN us a place for advice and opinions - it's childish to have a strop because you dislike it or because it shines a light on your own ideas and behaviour.

@amylou8

You don't have to love her, you don't have to like her, you're perfectly entitled to prefer it when she's not there. All you have to do is be nice enough to her that she never realises any of the above. I speak from experience!

I also echo Amylou's comment. If it's any consolation, my SS is now 14 and 4 years on since I backed off and stopped trying to force my feelings, I now enjoy having him around. :) He's also grown up a lot and has a more flexible outlook to life. I'd like to think that he knows he can talk to me about anything. Our relationship has definitely improved with time. :)

Hi OP I wonder if your expectations are a bit too high? I don't particularly look forward to seeing my in-laws and I certainly wouldn't say I love them, but I do my best to make them welcome for DH. I would help them out if they had a problem and I would be upset if they got seriously ill/died so I must feel something for them. Maybe it's ok just to tolerate your SD and do your best to make her time with you fun, or at least ok?

Maybe just try and accept the feelings your hoping for are not going to happen, no matter what. You can't force what isn't there. Does your husband spend much one to one time with her, or does he expect you to do everything as a family?

Maybe.say to your husband your disappointed that your struggling 're connecting with her and that he needs to do more with her, on his own.

OP, I think your feelings are totally valid.
When I first met my partners little girl
I was obsessed with her and she me. I looked forward to seeing her, we had a great relationship but since I moved in and we've had a baby of our own my feelings have totally, unexpectedly changed.

Unfortunately your situation won't change, I think as long as there is compromise and balance and you don't feel your son is missing out on anything with his dad then everything will be ok.

Blended families are incredibly complicated as most people on here understand, those that give negative and incredibly unhelpful feedback don't get it and maybe never will. Every single situation and family is different x

Thank you all for your supportive comments! Maybe I do need to just relax and go with it rather than waiting for that ‘penny to drop’ as it were!

Don’t get me wrong we have a happy home life we do a lot as a family. I do encourage my husband to spend time alone with her for his and her sake but I mean a morning here and there as don’t want it to be an obvious divide. I would always be civil - yes I might speak up if she’s being rude or mis behaving but in the same way I would with my own. In fact I’m much harder on my own as I feel it’s more my place.

It’s reassuring to hear from some of you that have experienced the same thing and that maybe it is just okay to feel this way. I love my husband and that’s why I will always continue to try. I can assure those of you who have been particularly negative that the only person suffering in this situation has been me - my family all have a happy time and she enjoys coming here which must mean we are doing something right

OP, there is a massive difference between not liking someone and being unkind , dismissive or uncaring . It does not sound as though you demonstrate any of those negative behaviors toward the child.
It is quite possible to be kind and supportive to people that you do not like. Many married couples live for years in exactly that state and find varying levels of contentment in those situations.

You seem to be introspective and very much in control of your feelings and actions. If you are kind and supportive of this child, you may have a far more positive impact on her life than you might think possible.

Many people like and even love kids and yet do a lot of damage to them. The first requirement in dealing with children should not be that you like or love them; it should be that you do no harm.

It does not sound as though you are doing harm, and you seem to have a moral compass that controls and evaluates your ongoing behavior.

You may not be where you would like to be in this relationship , but you are doing no damage and there may be collateral benefits to the child.

Stop beating up on yourself.

Don't kid yourself your sd knows exactly how you feel, and the reason that you don't like her is because she is a very real reminder that your dh had a sexual relationship with someone else.