Still struggling with being a step mum 5 years on

[Vlmp]

Hi

I’m reaching out for anyone who might be able to help and give me tips !

I have a SD who is nearly 10. I met her at 5 and her dad and I now have our own son and expecting a second.

I never thought I would be a step parent - It’s something I would have avoided but you can’t help who you meet sometimes. I met SD for the first time and have to say I struggled - she was spoilt, bratty, whingey and I just didn’t warm to her. Things did get better and actually her dad has said he thinks us building a safe family environment has helped. No issues with the ex all very amicable. We have her every weekend - pre lockdown every other weekend just for one night but now we are having her every weekend all weekend as her mum is picking up all the home schooling in the week which is only fair.

Thing is this has just highlighted even more than before that I prefer life / our house when she is not here. Her behaviour isn’t bad at all , she has moments but don’t all kids. But I just feel nothing for her, it feels awkward when we are alone together without her dad. It goes both ways I know she isn’t particularly bothered about me or my son, she never asks about us when she face times her dad in the week but at weekends will always ask her mum where her partner is. I have to discipline her to a certain extent as clearly have to also parent my own child but I do step back and let my husband take the lead with her and he is much more relaxed than I am. Our son who is 7 years younger often displays better behaviour but only because that is how I’ve raised him.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I wish I could click a button and get that feeling. Don’t get me wrong I make an effort, I buy her food she likes, I ask her questions and chat but my heart just isn’t in it. After all this time I had hoped it wouldn’t bother me that much.

I know lockdown isn’t a normal time and maybe getting some time back with my husband at weekends will help. I can’t talk to him I have in the past but it causes an argument as he just accuses me of not liking her - which on occasions yes I don’t. Thing is when your own kids annoy you you still haven’t had undeniable love for them and I don’t have that with her.

Please don’t judge - I don’t want to feel this way and I worry I will never find a way to enjoy my life with her in it .

Sorry, haven't rtft.
I think it's ok to feel ambivalent about your SD to be honest. As long as you make her feel welcome and at home. The dynamic changes over time too, I have always quite liked my DSC but was happier when they were at their Mums. As they got older though, I think we all mellowed into the situation. We chatted more, they were both great teens to have around, I liked them much more when they were a bit older. They are in their mid/late 20's now, get on great with DD who is a good chunk younger and we all get on well.
Some people are able to bond really well with SC some not. Sometimes it gets better, sometimes not!

Sometimes I think she can be overly harsh and I would pull her up if she was mine but I have to bite my tongue

A 10 year old shouldn't be harsh with a 3 year old. I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue like you do tbh. Doesn't her dad say anything when this happens?

I struggle to find common ground - I’ll ask her questions and just get a one word answer so hard to build a conversation.

I see, but does she have full conversations with her dad or is one word answers her norm?

She is in family photos around the house - but I can’t lie I do like to also have some of jsut me my husband and our child

I totally understand this and I'd feel the same.

@SandyY2K he does step in sometimes but he is generally a softer discipline parent than I am. She has got better and like I said I am not naive to the fact that even if they were full siblings there would be jealousy and some fighting.

She talks more to her dad but she’s not a great conversationalist- if you ask her about school etc . But maybe that’s all 10 year olds. Just hard when you try to get some form of conversation going .... she’s only interested in online games really and I struggle to get interested in that!

It’s just reassuring to see so many others facing similar challenges but able to still keep their families and marriages together

[quote Vlmp]@SandyY2K he does step in sometimes but he is generally a softer discipline parent than I am. She has got better and like I said I am not naive to the fact that even if they were full siblings there would be jealousy and some fighting.

She talks more to her dad but she’s not a great conversationalist- if you ask her about school etc . But maybe that’s all 10 year olds. Just hard when you try to get some form of conversation going .... she’s only interested in online games really and I struggle to get interested in that!

It’s just reassuring to see so many others facing similar challenges but able to still keep their families and marriages together[/quote]
I can empathise with a lot of what you have said here too.

My DP chooses the path of least resistance in parenting and that often is counterintuitive in the long run (it could be an immediate win, but results in bigger issues down the road). As an onlooker it's bloomin' frustrating and winds me up! It must be hard for you when you discipline your child differently.

My SD is 9 (SS is 11) - both spend 80% of their time here glued to a screen. It's so difficult to engage with them about this, it's not really a conversation subject. Both SC also talk in baby voices, nonsense words and silly noises to DP, which I guess is "their thing" but I find it irritating. Simple things like "what do you want for lunch?" - get a response of "poo" or some made up word. I give up trying to communicate now!

Both SC also talk in baby voices, nonsense words and silly noises to DP, which I guess is "their thing" but I find it irritating. Simple things like "what do you want for lunch?" - get a response of "poo" or some made up word. I give up trying to communicate now!

I cringed for you when I read this. I would be so irritated by it too!

I feel exactly the same!!!!

My ss is 9 and only visits a day at the weekend he should stay over but chooses not to because he sleeps with his mum at home. Even though it’s only a day... it feels like a burden... my oh turns into the typical weekend dad and will literally talk to his son like a friend.

I have my own son near the same age and the boys get on really well which is great but I just stay out the way. I don’t feel any particular way about him but I honestly don’t think I need to and same goes for you.

I still love my fiancé and we have a good relationship would I not marry him because of his son we see once a week... nope! Just nonsense for people to say that.

It might be harder for those who practically live with there step children.

Just remember that they grown up and the likely hood is in the teen years they won’t be arsed visiting... 🤷‍♀️

Simple things like "what do you want for lunch?" - get a response of "poo"

My response would be, you can sort that out yourself then and leave them to it. I seriously couldn't be dealing with such nonsense.

A 9 and 11 year old behaving like this is worrying.... My tolerance and irritation is clearly less than so many here, because I couldn't stand it.

My kids never behaved like this and neither did any other kids I know at that age.

My ss is 9 and only visits a day at the weekend he should stay over but chooses not to because he sleeps with his mum at home. Even though it’s only a day... it feels like a burden... my oh turns into the typical weekend dad and will literally talk to his son like a friend

A little digression from the OP....BUT
To be honest here, I'm not sure I'd really feel like much of a parent if I only saw my child once a week. One day a week is such mininal impact on raising a child. I can't imagine spending more time with colleagues, than with my own child.

There's always Disney dad talk, but looking at the wider picture and the root cause, if you only see your child such a small percentage of the time...I'm not surprised a dad would want minimal conflict/discipline and to do as much as possible that's enjoyable for the child in that little time they're together.

If mums had the smaller amount of custody...one day a week or EOW like many dads...I've little doubt they'd be the same as some of the Disney dads doing fun stuff and being reluctant to discipline.

For these dads who have one day a week or EOW (with a young child who they haven't lived with full time since they were a few years old) I expect the child's teacher knows the child (personalty, strengths and weaknesses) better than they do and this could account for a lot of the issues raised.

I read a lot on the SP board about SC talking in baby voices and generally behaving much younger than their ages...I wonder if their mums experience them in the same way, or if that is reserved for dad only. I suspect it's a means of attention seeking, that they don't need to do with mum, who they can be themselves with.

@LouJ85

Both SC also talk in baby voices, nonsense words and silly noises to DP, which I guess is "their thing" but I find it irritating. Simple things like "what do you want for lunch?" - get a response of "poo" or some made up word. I give up trying to communicate now!

I cringed for you when I read this. I would be so irritated by it too!

Me too! @squishy20 fair play to you I couldn’t deal with this it would send my frustration through the roof! I would have to speak to my hubby and get him to stop this!

Thank you for all the continued support messages so relieved to know I’m not alone in this and already this weekend has felt better as I’ve just taken off that pressure.

A little digression from the OP....BUT To be honest here, I'm not sure I'd really feel like much of a parent if I only saw my child once a week. One day a week is such mininal impact on raising a child. I can't imagine spending more time with colleagues, than with my own child. There's always Disney dad talk, but looking at the wider picture and the root cause, if you only see your child such a small percentage of the time...I'm not surprised a dad would want minimal conflict/discipline and to do as much as possible that's enjoyable for the child in that little time they're together. If mums had the smaller amount of custody...one day a week or EOW like many dads...I've little doubt they'd be the same as some of the Disney dads doing fun stuff and being reluctant to discipline. For these dads who have one day a week or EOW (with a young child who they haven't lived with full time since they were a few years old) I expect the child's teacher knows the child (personalty, strengths and weaknesses) better than they do and this could account for a lot of the issues raised. I read a lot on the SP board about SC talking in baby voices and generally behaving much younger than their ages...I wonder if their mums experience them in the same way, or if that is reserved for dad only. I suspect it's a means of attention seeking, that they don't need to do with mum, who they can be themselves with.

In reality, most parents who have their kids 50/50 or less will see their colleagues more, so there's no way of avoiding that unless you have majority care.

I agree with what you're saying about Disney parenting but it doesn't have to be that way - my DP sees his son EOW and is the stricter parent. DSS is incredibly babyish around his mum, the RP, compared to what he is like when he is with us.

I agree with what you're saying about Disney parenting but it doesn't have to be that way - my DP sees his son EOW and is the stricter parent.

Exact same - DP is far, far stricter than their mum. In fact, she used to call him (in the early stages of their separation) saying "can you tell YOUR kids off, they're being a nightmare". He's ask what they were doing, she'd say "fighting", then proceed to send videos she had stood and filmed on her phone of them jumping on each other, screaming, crying etc. DP and I would watch in disbelief thinking why is she standing there filming this instead of intervening? And why is she asking DP to "speak to them", as if that's going to help, it just undermines her own authority even more. It was baffling. Thankfully she's stopped doing things like that years down the line (incidentally this was a pattern of behaviour prior to her and DP separating - she would call or message him at work to ask him to "tell them off".)

When we hear of what the kids have been up to at their mums it's honestly like hearing about a completely different set of kids. DP is very much the authoritarian and rule maker - so they behave entirely differently with us. He manages to do that, as well as be the fun "Disney" Dad.

So you're right - it doesn't have to be that way at all just because of EOW contact. It depends on the man.

When we hear of what the kids have been up to at their mums it's honestly like hearing about a completely different set of kids. DP is very much the authoritarian and rule maker - so they behave entirely differently with us. He manages to do that, as well as be the fun "Disney" Dad.

Exactly the same here. I struggle to imagine him doing half of the things we hear about and witness him doing around his mum, as he would never dream of doing them here. This can range from major behavioural issues to a thousand small things, like being "unable" to dress himself or open a packet of crisps. He's nearly 8.

@SandyY2K

Simple things like "what do you want for lunch?" - get a response of "poo"

My response would be, you can sort that out yourself then and leave them to it. I seriously couldn't be dealing with such nonsense.

A 9 and 11 year old behaving like this is worrying.... My tolerance and irritation is clearly less than so many here, because I couldn't stand it.

My kids never behaved like this and neither did any other kids I know at that age.

My ss is 9 and only visits a day at the weekend he should stay over but chooses not to because he sleeps with his mum at home. Even though it’s only a day... it feels like a burden... my oh turns into the typical weekend dad and will literally talk to his son like a friend

A little digression from the OP....BUT
To be honest here, I'm not sure I'd really feel like much of a parent if I only saw my child once a week. One day a week is such mininal impact on raising a child. I can't imagine spending more time with colleagues, than with my own child.

There's always Disney dad talk, but looking at the wider picture and the root cause, if you only see your child such a small percentage of the time...I'm not surprised a dad would want minimal conflict/discipline and to do as much as possible that's enjoyable for the child in that little time they're together.

If mums had the smaller amount of custody...one day a week or EOW like many dads...I've little doubt they'd be the same as some of the Disney dads doing fun stuff and being reluctant to discipline.

For these dads who have one day a week or EOW (with a young child who they haven't lived with full time since they were a few years old) I expect the child's teacher knows the child (personalty, strengths and weaknesses) better than they do and this could account for a lot of the issues raised.

I read a lot on the SP board about SC talking in baby voices and generally behaving much younger than their ages...I wonder if their mums experience them in the same way, or if that is reserved for dad only. I suspect it's a means of attention seeking, that they don't need to do with mum, who they can be themselves with.

What about the thousands of parents through the years answering the same question with variations of 'shit with sugar'

In reality, most parents who have their kids 50/50 or less will see their colleagues more, so there's no way of avoiding that unless you have majority care.

I wasn't talking about 50/50.....but
EOW seems very common for dads. That's probably what makes it a bearable situation for SMs....because seeing a child you can only tolerate as much as 50% of the time would be a hell of a lot.

@LunaMay
What about the thousands of parents through the years answering the same question with variations of 'shit with sugar'

Is this in reference to what do you want for tea? If so I've never heard anyone give such responses.

@SandyY2K

In reality, most parents who have their kids 50/50 or less will see their colleagues more, so there's no way of avoiding that unless you have majority care.

I wasn't talking about 50/50.....but
EOW seems very common for dads. That's probably what makes it a bearable situation for SMs....because seeing a child you can only tolerate as much as 50% of the time would be a hell of a lot.

@LunaMay
What about the thousands of parents through the years answering the same question with variations of 'shit with sugar'

Is this in reference to what do you want for tea? If so I've never heard anyone give such responses.

Maybe it's an Australian thing, although it was my British grandparents that used to say it.

Maybe it's an Australian thing, although it was my British grandparents that used to say it.

😀 Maybe so...or just something I've never heard.

My grandparents used to say that too. UK.
The baby talk thing and childlike behaviour thing - whilst a bit annoying, I think is psychologically interesting. Maybe it's a kind of regression? To satisfy a feeling of wanting to be babied/looked after? These are kids living a disconnected life even if it's happy at both parents.

I do wish and hope that people would read boards like this before deciding to get into relationships with people who have children.
It's hard and it causes all sorts of issues. If the parents get on ok it's easier but there will always be challenges.
I feel strongly that if you're going to commit to a relationship with someone with kids you are committing to the family unit and not just the partner. Kids deserve to be wanted and welcomed and not tolerated. We might think we're putting on a good front but kids see right through it and will pick up on that tension and unease.

I also think parents should be considering more carefully who they get into relationships with. Why would you want to share your life with someone who doesn't really want your child there and is simply putting up with them for your sake? It sounds intolerable and unfair on every single person involved.

I know this is going to read like I'm having a go at the OP or other step-parents but I'm really not I just don't think people should blindly go into these relationships without really working out what they want. So often kids have a shitty time in this situation and unlike the adults they're not choosing it.

A relative is a step parent to 3 kids. She was happy to meet a man with children, wanted a relationship with his children and cares deeply about them.
Had she not developed a bond with them, she'd have never married their father and he would never have married her because they are rightly his priority.
I know someone else who had an affair, married him and then resented his kids massively. What a fucking joke! You can't bulldoze your way into a marriage and then resent the kids involved.

People reject others for the colour of their hair, their height, their politics etc Maybe we all should be better at walking away if their personal circumstances and lifestyles don't fit with ours rather than struggling to make things work when there isn't a natural fit.

@doubleleopardy

Circumstances change, families and people are ever evolving. You can’t always anticipate how things will turn out. That’s why people spilt up in the first place. Personally I wish people would be more fussy about who they procreate with.

Maybe start a separate post? OP has posted about a particular issue not asking about step parenting generally. I don’t see how your comments are helpful or relevant.

I also think parents should be considering more carefully who they get into relationships with.

Would you also say this sentence, but change "parents" to "people"? Because many children end up being created within what turn out to be unhappy, sometimes abusive relationships, right? Should those people have the benefit of this wonderful hindsight you speak of, and seen all the issues and challenges at day one, on the first date, and hence more carefully considered the rest of the relationship and the making of their own children?

I think perhaps not. No different for step parents who get into relationships in good faith, hoping to have positive relationships with their partner's kids, but for whatever reasons they struggle.

Your post comes across as very judgemental and I can't see how it helps the OP.

@doubleleopardy

I do wish and hope that people would read boards like this before deciding to get into relationships with people who have children. It's hard and it causes all sorts of issues. If the parents get on ok it's easier but there will always be challenges. I feel strongly that if you're going to commit to a relationship with someone with kids you are committing to the family unit and not just the partner. Kids deserve to be wanted and welcomed and not tolerated. We might think we're putting on a good front but kids see right through it and will pick up on that tension and unease.

I also think parents should be considering more carefully who they get into relationships with. Why would you want to share your life with someone who doesn't really want your child there and is simply putting up with them for your sake? It sounds intolerable and unfair on every single person involved.

I know this is going to read like I'm having a go at the OP or other step-parents but I'm really not I just don't think people should blindly go into these relationships without really working out what they want. So often kids have a shitty time in this situation and unlike the adults they're not choosing it.

A relative is a step parent to 3 kids. She was happy to meet a man with children, wanted a relationship with his children and cares deeply about them.
Had she not developed a bond with them, she'd have never married their father and he would never have married her because they are rightly his priority.
I know someone else who had an affair, married him and then resented his kids massively. What a fucking joke! You can't bulldoze your way into a marriage and then resent the kids involved.

People reject others for the colour of their hair, their height, their politics etc Maybe we all should be better at walking away if their personal circumstances and lifestyles don't fit with ours rather than struggling to make things work when there isn't a natural fit.

That's quite a narrow-minded take on things.

I have a broad and extensive experience working with children, I have two (now adult) children of my own, my DP and I took a very deliberate, gradual 15 month approach to me being introduced to his children and 'blending' - yet there is absolutely no way I could have been prepared for the emotional turmoil it would cause when I eventually moved in with DP and the SC are here EOW. Until you live those dymanics and as a step-parent, until you integrate into their history/experience/relationship/bond fully - you won't know how you fit into that.

And to the OP (and others who empathise) - I have found a brilliant podcast which has helped me realise, understand and make sense of some of the turmoil I am experiencing: It is called Step Life by Rachel Silver. I found the episode "Psychotherapist on issues in stepfamilie‪s‬" particularly informative.

@squishy20

And to the OP (and others who empathise) - I have found a brilliant podcast which has helped me realise, understand and make sense of some of the turmoil I am experiencing: It is called Step Life by Rachel Silver. I found the episode "Psychotherapist on issues in stepfamilie‪s‬" particularly informative.

Thank you I will give this a listen !

Wednesday's made a bit of a fool of herself with her ridiculous comment. Ignore, OP, there's always one.

I used to feel like this. I met my DH when the step children were 3 and 4 years old. A boy and girl only a year apart in age.
We used to have them every Saturday all day.
Then it was all day Saturday plus sleeping over and taking back Sunday lunchtime. Then it was from Friday night after school - Sunday evening every other weekend.
It's tough all round. Myself and DH used to work too every other Saturday so that meant we only saw each other alone every other Sunday.
It is tough. The children were alright, never asked for anything and were generally well behaved. I did resent them a bit though, my DH couldn't drive a car at the time he only had a motorbike licence so I had to do all the driving including collecting them and dropping them back off. As they got to teenagers they used to wear headphones in the car and didn't even have a conversation with me on the 45 min journey.
We took them to a lot of places when it was out turn to have them - zoo, theme park, seaside etc etc
They are in their 30's now and the hurtful things about it is they've said they don't remember any of it. Lucky if I get a birthday card off of them.

NORMAL.

This is really normal ime OP. And you know I actually think the fact that some SPs, (Step mother's in particular imo) have such high expectations as to what they should feel, makes this even worse.

Of course you're questioning it if you're sat there thinking you should be feeling love for your SD, should be missing her, should love the time she spends with you and so on.

In reality, the only questions I believe you need to ask yourself is are you kind? Do you make her feel welcome? And do you come between her relationship with her parent? If the answers are yes, yes and no then I think you're doing just fine.

You do have to accept things to a certain degree. The basics of course i.e. the fact he has a child, she isn't going anywhere obviously and that this is how your weekends will be due to this. If you feel you can't accept this without it causing resentment or other issues then maybe it's not the best thing but if it's just a case of preferring the times when you're alone then stop beating yourself up. Lots of SPs feel this way, whether they'd be brave enough to admit it here is another question but it's not uncommon at all and it doesn't mean you need marching through the street whilst crowds throw rotten veg!

One thing I will say is just be mindful when speaking with DH about it. I completely agree with PPs that he should listen to you and understand where you're coming from. But it can be difficult to hear things we perhaps don't want to about our children so I can also understand why he becomes defensive. I don't think that makes him a twat. Just human. I know I'd be (unreasonably!) upset if someone said certain things to me about my son. But it's only because to me he's the best thing ever and so whilst I know logically no one else feels the same about him as me, in my weaker, less rational moments, who knows, maybe I'd react much the same. It's can be a tricky subject talking about someone's child.