WTAF

[SpongebobNoPants]

Look I know there’s nothing I can do about it and it’s not my business... I’m purely posting to vent because I’m about to explode.
I have to SDs and their stupid fucking irresponsible mum has this week bought a piercing gun which has resulted in us picking up the kids aged 11 & 16 to find they have several new piercings including multiple ear piercings and the 16 year old as pierced her nose.

The 11 year old has also got eyelash extensions and fake tan on. I’m actually embarrassed for her, she’s 11 but is tiny and very underdeveloped so looks much younger... you’d probably think she was 8/9 years old if you met her.
DP wants us all to go for a walk but being truthful I don’t want to go out with them because people assume I’m their mum and quite frankly the youngest looks like a hooker.

Flame me for this, I don’t care. I’m mortified and don’t want people judging me thinking I allow any child of mine to be presented like that.

She’s also wearing a bralet top and the eldest has the tightest leggings on where you can actually see her thong.

I’m not going out with them.

Op i sympathise. My 15 DSD used to walk around with her entire ass cheeks literally falling out of her shorts. I really really hated it. It's hard to describe, I think she was an unusual shape where they closed on the waist but they were far far too revealing on the rest of her. I appreciate I sound like an old prude, I'm not. It's hard to describe but I never saw anyone else wearing them like that around the place, despite teens wearing that style.

There is little you can do about it unless their dad agrees with you so for now I would just say "if you choose to be ok with these clothes that's up to you. I assume to not walk around and have people assume I allow my children to dress like that" and stay home.

I had a similar issue when my SK were younger, their mum has zero sense of style and has absolutely no care in how they were presented, I think all kids go through a 'I hate jeans' phase and for about a year or two they all refused to wear clothes I bought or it was a hour meltdown which Ruined whatever we had planned anyway.

Now I'm not a fancy dresser by any mean but I'm talking trackies cut into shorts, faded un washed T-shirt's, too small clothes and leggings with holes etc.

We had a particularly nice 40th anniversary to attend and my DP asked his ex could she make sure they came smartly dressed (she knew it was the grandparents anniversary) and honestly it was as if it was a mission to make them as scruffy as possible ( at this fine they were 8,9 and 12) we took them straight home to change which the boys refused to wear Jeans or trousers or any kind of jumper / shirt. My DP gave up and let them go as they were I was mortified. When we walked in and his brothers 4 kids were all beautifully presented.

Don't get me Wrong they were great kids but I was so embarrassed people would think I had dressed then this way. When we got home I kicked off and told my DP I am buying no more clothes and if they are dressed like that again I just won't be going anywhere with them. He got it abs luckily the next weekend day all 3 down and firmly laid the law down on changing here and wearing the nice clothes and it gradually got better.

I understand OP and you should stick to your guns and dad might see sense!

It does seem to be the style that many of the pre-teens are wearing these days. My step-cousins children do the the bra top, tight hot pants/skirt belt with fake tan and (thankfully) fake piercings look. They keep trying to offload their old clothes onto my daughter but I am so pleased she prefers taking my clothes without permission instead. I have some lovely cropped soft and cosy jumpers which I 'accidently' got in too small a size (as if I'd wear a crop top!). I tried buying her clothes before but she rejects stuff bought specifically for her - I have to be crafty with it and sneak the more moderate clothing in.

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

Here’s me assuming the most an 11 yo knew about make up was a bit of tinted lip balm and some glitter nail polish.

Are you joking? They all have tiktok and Instagram these days. Following the likes of Ariana grande (fake tan by the trowel) and cardi B. And even if they aren’t, their friends are and they’re emulating it.

I know this is not the point of the thread and many MANY celebs over do the fake tan, but Ariana is naturally tanned and all of the 'black fishing' photos were edited on purpose to cause issues. If you search here there was a thread a while ago discussing this where I (possibly under a different name, can't remember) and a number of others linked to photos from when she was a child and if you look at the unedited pictures from recent years (well, ever, really!) she literally has the exact same skin tone. Even if she WAS fake tanning though - she's 27 years old. That's a grown woman and it would be her decision. Cardi B is not white. It is not up to these celebrities to parent others children. It is up to their parent. I fully sympathise it's not the OPs fault here - but it's also not the fault of adult women who don't even know the child. We don't have to find reasons to criticise them for existing. For what it's worth, even though she doesn't have to be, Ariana is an excellent role model for young girls in many ways regardless of how she dresses and looks. I won't be responding but comments like this about female artists - somehow it's always young women who are expected to conform and be perfect so parents don't have to parent their own children - really piss me off.

Well said @MummytoCSJH.

We had a particularly nice 40th anniversary to attend and my DP asked his ex could she make sure they came smartly dressed

Why is it the ex’s responsibility to dress children for an event she’s not attending? Why is their father not taking responsibility for that? No way on earth would I do as instructed by my ex. He wants them in particular clothes, he buys them

@EnoughnowIthink it’s her responsibility but any decent parent would make sure their kids were dressed appropriately / not unkempt if they knew they were attending an event with the other parent.
If I know my son is going out somewhere nice with his dad then I’d make sure he had some nice clothes with him. Similarly if my SDs were going out with their mum somewhere straight from our house I’d make sure they were showered etc.
It’s just decency and respect isn’t it?

sorry first line should say “it’s not her responsibility”.

If I know my son is going out somewhere nice with his dad then I’d make sure he had some nice clothes with him

Why are you sending your child with clothes to their other parent's house? Why are they not taking responsibility and clothing their child on their time? Why on earth would you be happy with your child going backwards and forwards with a suitcase/bag?

any decent parent would make sure their kids were dressed appropriately / not unkempt if they knew they were attending an event with the other parent

What my ex does with his children on his time is his responsibility. Sure, I can run a comb through their hair or make sure they've had a shower but so can he. Why is it up to me to clean up the children for him? Why are you making the drudgery of parenting - washing, cleaning, ironing - the woman's job?

And I am more than a 'decent parent'. But I am not doing the job for two of us. What if I don't have clothes that suit the event? Should I be out buying something appropriate? Or should the father pull his finger out of his backside and do some actual parenting with out expecting his ex to still do his 'wife work'?

@EnoughnowIthink - I understand the resentment towards wife work but I felt quite sad reading your post.

My parents were separated very bitterly, I was never allowed to move belongings between the two houses and so it meant I never felt like a truly owned anything. Also the “your other parent can do that” was a common theme so it felt like my parents didn’t want to do anything nice for me because I was their child. People need to focus less on their bitterness towards the other parent and more on doing what is best for children who have no say in the situation they find themselves in.

Are either of them at school at the moment? If a student told me that their mum had bought a piercing gun and let them pierce their ears (or worse their nose!!) with it I would report it to the safeguarding lead. The ears will probably be ok (if everyone is clean) but my understanding is that you definitely don’t pierce cartilage yourself!

The issue with the outfits is trickier. I can understand why you’re not comfortable with your youngest SD dressing like that and why you’d rather not take her out and for people to assume that you’re her mother. If it doesn’t bother her parents there’s not much you can do about it though.

@TitusPullo

My children can move what they want between houses. I have no issues with that. I will send back clothes that I haven't bought however (not something my ex will reciprocate so I spend probably 3 times as much as I need to on clothing anyway) because it's not what I would generally like to see my children in. My ex pays no maintenance and I work 3 jobs to keep us going. There is no bitterness on my part, I let it all go along time ago. That doesn't mean he gets to walk all over me. He is an adult and can develop his own relationship with the school, healthcare providers etc. He is also capable of making sure his children are dressed and wearing clothing appropriate for whatever he intends to do with them.

@EnoughnowIthink woahhh the bitterness is just oozing out of you!

Why are you sending your child with clothes to their other parent's house? Why are they not taking responsibility and clothing their child on their time? Why on earth would you be happy with your child going backwards and forwards with a suitcase/bag?
He does have clothes at his dad’s but he also has favourite things that he takes between houses. He likes to take a bag with him, not only of his clothes but (shock horror) toys too. He does the same coming back to me too... clothes and toys are fluid, they don’t belong to the “house”, they belong to my son.
Also my ex used to spend a fortune on clothes for our son and noticed they were barely getting any wear before he outgrew them so we decided between us that it seemed silly to have 2 x pairs of school shoes, 2 x winter coat, 2 x fancy shirt for occasions... so like adults, we just share

What my ex does with his children on his time is his responsibility. Sure, I can run a comb through their hair or make sure they've had a shower but so can he. Why is it up to me to clean up the children for him? Why are you making the drudgery of parenting - washing, cleaning, ironing - the woman's job?

Oh the assumptions! The clothes my son takes with him to his dads get sent back clean and ironed, except obviously the clothes he is wearing.
I think it’s really sad you refer to your children as his children and seem to absolve all responsibility for them with they’re in his care. I must be lucky because my ex and I don’t behave that way. I would never send my son to his dad’s scruffy or unwashed and he wouldn’t return him home that way either. In fact I’m waiting for my son to be returned by his dad any minute now and he’ll be bathed, in pjs and ready for bed.

If my son was getting picked up from my house he his dad to go to an occasion I would make sure he was tidy and smartly dressed. I would be embarrassed to let him go anywhere looking scruffy, but luckily my ex feels the same and would ensure he came home to me looking nice if we were going out somewhere.
That is the decency to which I am referring.

What if I don't have clothes that suit the event? Should I be out buying something appropriate?
Well then you and your ex discuss it beforehand surely? My ex and I would likely split the cost of a nice outfit if our son had nothing nice that fitted him at the time, because I’d benefit from being able to dress him nicely then for any occasion I take him too. We don’t just say “these clothes stay at my house!”. Such an odd concept unless you’ve got an ex who wouldn’t share.

@TitusPullo your post made me sad and is exactly what we try to avoid both with my son and with my stepdaughters.
Anything that has been bought for them belongs to them, not to the household who bought it.

@HalfTermHalfTerm
The issue with the outfits is trickier. I can understand why you’re not comfortable with your youngest SD dressing like that and why you’d rather not take her out and for people to assume that you’re her mother. If it doesn’t bother her parents there’s not much you can do about it though

Yep, there’s nothing I can do. I posted here really just to vent because I can’t say these things in real life or have any real influence on my stepdaughters.

The saddest part of all that is reading that you're afraid of what people will think... Who cares about people?

@Amanda87 it’s what I think and I care about it.
I don’t like it and don’t want to go out with them when they’re dressed too adult for their ages or inappropriately for the weather. It makes me embarrassed

I think my worry here would be the way they dress around your daughter.

I know having my own son and a step son who’s very close in age has a huge impact on how my own son acts/dresses etc. For example my step son has had his own mobile since he was 8! Where else there’s no way I’d let my now 8 year old have a mobile... I think that especially with girls they tend to lookup to the older girls and I would be concerned too! X

This is such a strange thread.

I suspect if the OP had posted about her SDD’s mother putting them into beauty pageants, everyone would have been frothing about how inappropriate and sexually objectifying it was.

But when the mother is letting her female children go out and about wearing next to nothing, somehow that is totally fine and anyone who says different is ‘policing’ them and ‘victim blaming’.

There will always be pervert men who leer at women and girls. That behaviour is theirs to own.

But the issue here is that somewhere along the line those girls have internalised the idea of a beauty standard that can only be met by physically altering their appearance with piercings, tan and fake eyelashes, and by revealing more of their body than is appropriate for the weather or the context.

That is problematic. And OP is right to be worried.

Just to add a bit of perspective as to how inappropriately they dress... yesterday they came for dinner and SD16 arrived in a waist length dressing gown, slippers and a thong (nothing else on underneath. The dressing gown skimmed her bum cheeks so literally everything was hanging out.
It made me really uncomfortable that firstly she left the house like that and secondly came to dinner like that.
The way our house is positioned on the street is like an open courtyard style and the path leading to our front door runs directly in front of the front window of 4 of our neighbour’s houses. So she walked the 100m or so up to the front door with her naked bottom literally on display.

Luckily this time DP did hit the roof about her going out in public like that. Why on earth she didn’t put some shorts or pj bottoms on is beyond me

OP is there anyone having building work near where you live that you can send your younger SC and your DP to walk pass together when the tradesmen are there?

As the tradesmens' reaction to her clothing will change your DP's mind about what is appropriate for her to wear.

@RedMarauder

OP is there anyone having building work near where you live that you can send your younger SC and your DP to walk pass together when the tradesmen are there?

As the tradesmens' reaction to her clothing will change your DP's mind about what is appropriate for her to wear.

WTAF?

the bitterness is just oozing out of you!

Yes of course, difference of opinion is ‘bitterness’. Differences in parenting are ‘bitterness’.

Well then you and your ex discuss it beforehand surely? My ex and I would likely split the cost of a nice outfit if our son had nothing nice that fitted him at the time, because I’d benefit from being able to dress him nicely then for any occasion I take him too. We don’t just say “these clothes stay at my house!”. Such an odd concept unless you’ve got an ex who wouldn’t share

Never once said ‘clothes stay at my house’ but interpret that how you will. My ex has refused to pay maintenance for over 13 years now. He buys fuck all for our children. They do have some car boot clothes at his but anything decent has been bought by me. Anything they have - toys, gadgets, musical instruments, shoes, school uniforms...have been bought by me. And I paid for all childcare, including childcare on his time with the children. For 13 years. But actually, what you have decided, is because my ex refuses to partake in anything vaguely parenting related, I am in the wrong, or ‘bitter’ for being pissed off that people believe he has the right to demand I dress my children to his expectations and meet the cost of that.

Jesus fucking wept.

@EnoughnowIthink I still wouldn’t send my kid scruffy if I knew he was going out somewhere nice with his dad. I would be embarrassed.

Where did I say I would send them scruffy? Is there not an in between?