WTAF

[SpongebobNoPants]

Look I know there’s nothing I can do about it and it’s not my business... I’m purely posting to vent because I’m about to explode.
I have to SDs and their stupid fucking irresponsible mum has this week bought a piercing gun which has resulted in us picking up the kids aged 11 & 16 to find they have several new piercings including multiple ear piercings and the 16 year old as pierced her nose.

The 11 year old has also got eyelash extensions and fake tan on. I’m actually embarrassed for her, she’s 11 but is tiny and very underdeveloped so looks much younger... you’d probably think she was 8/9 years old if you met her.
DP wants us all to go for a walk but being truthful I don’t want to go out with them because people assume I’m their mum and quite frankly the youngest looks like a hooker.

Flame me for this, I don’t care. I’m mortified and don’t want people judging me thinking I allow any child of mine to be presented like that.

She’s also wearing a bralet top and the eldest has the tightest leggings on where you can actually see her thong.

I’m not going out with them.

I would also stay at home too, OP.

@nimbuscloud
You sound very caring - they are lucky that you’re there
Thank you. I was worried I’d sound like a total bitch for venting about this on MN.
I always emphasise how naturally lovely they are and try and jokingly tease them a bit about the heavy make up etc and say “Oh god you don’t need all of that, you’re covering up your beautiful freckles” for example.

My DD is 10 and I would be so sad if she placed as much emphasis on the importance of presenting herself like my SDs do.
I get that young girls want to look pretty and experiment with make up and clothes... but I’m genuinely concerned that the way they dress will put them in danger

So you say they look like strippers/hookers and you are ashamed of it, they are not kind/polite/helpful, you raise their mum as a major issue and you argue with your partner lots - why are you in this relationship?

Ahh you have a DD, do you find it easy to explain to her why SDs can wear what they want but she can't? I'm wondering how best to do that without insulting my SC's mum.

I never said I argue with my DP lots, I said we have argued about this particular topic a lot. I say argue... we don’t really argue, we disagree.

My DP is pretty great to be fair. He’s kind, loving, helpful and is my best friend.
He and his ex just have different parenting values to me but I won’t be having children with him so it’s not a deal breaker.

My DD has no desire to dress like them luckily. She’s a very different personality and even though she likes playing with make up she’s more into her horses and bike riding etc. Her friends are all similar to her so there’s no desire to try and emulate her older stepsisters.

But you do not make him sound like a great father, and he clearly leaves you feeling completely at a loss about this particular issue.

Oh dear, OP. Can you wait till it gets dark and then go out?

I get that young girls want to look pretty and experiment with make up and clothes... but I’m genuinely concerned that the way they dress will put them in danger

No, pedophiles and rapists put them in danger. There are many many reasons I agree they shouldn't dress like they do but safety isn't one of them.

@Hettyhopper he is a great father. His children are incredibly loved and he always goes over and above for them.
He just doesn’t see the way they dress as a massive issue or source of embarrassment.

I’m also not with my DP for his parenting skills, they are of no concern to me as we will not be having any children together.
I’m with him because he’s a great partner and he makes me happy.

@MrsTerryPratchett you’re incredibly naive if you don’t think children presenting themselves as overtly sexual can attract danger.
They are not mature enough physically or emotionally to deal with unwanted attention from the opposite sex yet. I’m not even talking about pedophiles... perhaps even slightly older boys.
Teenagers are often coerced by peers into doing things they aren’t entirely comfortable with.
It’s entirely plausible to suggest an 11 year old who is dressing in sexualised clothing could attract the attention of a 15 year old boy for example. An older child who is physically bigger and more emotionally developed who could flatter her with attention inappropriate for age and potentially convince her to do certain activities.

@NewScone

Ahh you have a DD, do you find it easy to explain to her why SDs can wear what they want but she can't? I'm wondering how best to do that without insulting my SC's mum.

Who says the OP’s DD can’t dress the way she wants? I’m betting she doesn’t want to dress like her DSsisters.

you’re incredibly naive if you don’t think children presenting themselves as overtly sexual can attract danger.

Yes, 30 years working in homelessness an addiction wouldn't give me any insight into this at all. I'm not naive, you're taking a very serious subject entirely on face value.

Predators, and some of them are 15 yo boys, look for vulnerability. That could mean over sexualisation but it's as likely to be anxiety, being a loner, not having parents around, being too eager to please.

If you're worried about predators, you talk about boundaries, that their bodies belong to them, what kinds of behaviour to be wary of. Not what they wear.

dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/

He and his ex just have different parenting values to me but I won’t be having children with him so it’s not a deal breaker

See I find this such a strange attitude. You are going to be dealing with his shitty parenting and it’s impact on his children for the entirety of your relationship. And I assume he’s a part of your child’s life? I honestly couldn’t share my life with someone with such differences. But each to their own.

LittleRa

Yes OP has said it's not a problem in her case.

@MrsTerryPratchett I’m fully aware of what you are saying, I worked for the probation service for over 10 years and specifically with the youth offending team. They do look for vulnerabilities, but you are naive to think that presenting yourself as older and more sexualised than you are can’t cause problems.

@EveryoneRevealsThemselves he’s not a shitty parent. He just doesn’t think the way they dress is a problem.
I do. That’s my issue.
I don’t think his children dressing in a way that I dislike is a reason for us to break up. I just don’t want to be seen in public with them when they’re dressed that way because I find it embarrassing

@MrsTerryPratchett also I’ll be blunt... my SDs dress slutty and cheap. It’s hideous to see.
I’m more embarrassed by them than concerned for their safety, but I still think over sexualisation of children is vile.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@MrsTerryPratchett also I’ll be blunt... my SDs dress slutty and cheap. It’s hideous to see.
I’m more embarrassed by them than concerned for their safety, but I still think over sexualisation of children is vile.[/quote]
That was my assessment. And that's your feeling. No need to dress it up with risk assessments, you're allowed your boundaries.

I do think you're a bit hopeful if you think this parenting isn't going to affect you more and more.

Oh and I have a 10yo who still thinks tinted lib balm is risqué so those girls do exist.

@MrsTerryPratchett my 10 year old is more interested in her wellies and climbing trees. I hope it stays this way for as long as possible.

he’s not a shitty parent

Fair enough. I can only go on what you say here and I would saying letting young children out “half naked” in bad weather (your words) and not being outraged at the other parent piercing multiple holes in them (admittedly I don’t think you’ve said how he feels about that but I wouldn’t want my kids saying with a parent who does that to them) make someone a poor parent.

Oh and piercing a nose with a gun is a really bad idea.

Here's hoping she's OK.

She’s fine. It looks fucking awful but it’s not infected or anything.

While there’s not an age limit on piercings, that’s under the assumption that they’d be getting them done by someone who’s trained to do it. I’d be finding out whether there’s any laws about piercing your own young child’s ears yourself at home.