Is 1 hour 40 mins too much for 9 year old?

[ditsyprint]

My partners son lives 90 miles away, he still has a house nearby his ex wife's house so when he has his son he takes him there and I stay at home with our baby and my teenage daughter. We would much prefer to bring my partners son to our house so he can spend time with us all as a family and get to know his baby sister but his mum says that the journey is too tiring for him. He would be collected from school by his Dad on a Friday, stay with us over the weekend and then be dropped off back at his mums house Sunday tea time every other weekend. Does this seem unreasonable?

No I don't think it's an unreasonable amount of time. Dc would finish school around 3.30 so he's be back in time for tea. Sunday he could have his tea before going home, again he could be in bed by 7 back at his mums

No, I don't think that is an unreasonable drive time.

I think that not only is it not an unreasonable drive time, that it’s your DP’s decision as it’s during his custody time.

I think that sounds ok. He can use the time for 1 on 1 chats with his dad / play games etc plus he gets to be a proper family member. Otherwise when does he ever see his sibling?

Not tiring at all unless he plans on running it!

Not at all. For reference my dc travel 3 hours to there dads eow, we meet halfway at 6pm on a Friday and Sunday night. They have been doing this journey for the last 5 years. Dc are now 12, 7 and 5.5 years old.

We did a 2 hour (So 4 hour round trip) on Friday post school until Sunday evenings every other week from when one was 6yrs for 11 years. It was fine. Also it made them feel more a part of the family .

Not at all and as a PP said, not the mum's decision anyway. It's his contact time and the idea of it being some one on one time before spending the weekend as a family sounds great.

Not too much at all. And I agree with a pp who mentioned him being part of the family. It's like he had a seperate life otherwise he needs to bond with all the family

That seems a very odd arrangement to not join you as a family. I also think time in the car can be good catch up time, when you don't have to talk but you can if you want with no pressure.

That seems perfectly reasonable travel time in general, but I would suggest that to start off with, the arrangement is changed that the visits take place with the extra travel just once a month at first, with interstitial ones being like they have been, and review the arrangements after say 4 months.

Likely outcome: DSS will enjoy the visits with the extra travel much more, and will be happy to make them more frequent.

Possible outcome: it will be confirmed that they are very tiring and either sticking to the travel no more than once a month will be best, or reducing them to once every 2 or 3 months if he really finds it difficult.

Another possibility: your DP's ex will massively kick off and it will turn out to be more about her not wanting her son to develop loving relationships with his dad's new family and if the "travel too tiring" argument stops working then more reasons to prevent this will be summoned. (I hope this isn't true, but it is possible)

I used to travel 2 hours on a bus every Friday night to see my mum after school.

I think the ex is being difficult and trying to prevent a relationship with his sibling

The school bus near me drops the last child off 1hr and 10 minutes every day (and same in the morning so 2hr 20 on the bus every day) so 90 mins at the weekend would be fine.

That's what I did for 10 years as a child, sometimes longer when dos moved house. It was fine, a nice time to catch up!

Echoing the other posters. Time in the car can be great for chats, airing worries or fun silly games and he gets a chance to build a sibling relationship

Not unreasonable in the slightest & if it was too tiring, he is 9, he can nap in the car. I use to drive my kids to my dads most weekends & he lives just over an hour away. Been doing it since they were 5 & new born & my oldest would usually just take a nap. Now he watches a film on his ipad.

Thank you, I didn't think it was unreasonable either but I just felt I needed a second opinion.

My partner has had a solicitors letter suggesting that he continues seeing his son in his home town. It also says that the time they spend to together should be 1 on 1 because that's what his son would prefer.

When he has visited previously he always seems to have a lovely time. He's chatty and cheeky and we love spending time with him. He adores his baby sister but hasn't seen her in months. I just feel its time things changed.

This is really bizarre; why on earth is he putting up with this nonsense? He's sat in (I presume) warm and clean car with his dad for a short while. He could take him a snack and drink etc.

It is absolutely non of the mothers business. I would insist that it stops from the next contact. Let her know out of politeness, but it shouldn't be up for discussion. I absolutely could not tolerate someone else dictating what happens with my partner at a weekend. It's ludicrous

@KihoBebiluPute

That seems perfectly reasonable travel time in general, but I would suggest that to start off with, the arrangement is changed that the visits take place with the extra travel just once a month at first, with interstitial ones being like they have been, and review the arrangements after say 4 months.

Likely outcome: DSS will enjoy the visits with the extra travel much more, and will be happy to make them more frequent.

Possible outcome: it will be confirmed that they are very tiring and either sticking to the travel no more than once a month will be best, or reducing them to once every 2 or 3 months if he really finds it difficult.

Another possibility: your DP's ex will massively kick off and it will turn out to be more about her not wanting her son to develop loving relationships with his dad's new family and if the "travel too tiring" argument stops working then more reasons to prevent this will be summoned. (I hope this isn't true, but it is possible)

I think this is a good idea, it feels more like a compromise and gives him chance to get used to a new routine.

I do think dp ex is struggling with her children having a relationship with their sister but she shouldn't put obstacles in the way.

Going against the grain a little bit but what is your partners suggestion when in a few years time he's going to want to see his friends at the weekend. Is he going to be happy to lose time with him? What happens when he has mates birthday party invites etc...

The commute isnt a problem but long term I think he's going to notice he'll see his kid less and less.

That sounds fine.

What would happen if he got rid of the house there?

Not unreasonable at all

Why doesn't OH 'suggest' he tries it every other visit to see how his son gets on. Surely you don't want to continue paying for 2 houses that is just crazy.

@LouHotel

Going against the grain a little bit but what is your partners suggestion when in a few years time he's going to want to see his friends at the weekend. Is he going to be happy to lose time with him? What happens when he has mates birthday party invites etc...

The commute isnt a problem but long term I think he's going to notice he'll see his kid less and less.

That's a good point that I hadn't thought of. We would definitely need to be flexible in that way. Maybe the solution would be we stay in his home town on some of the weekends. Not seeing his son would never be an option he would prefer to see him more not less.