Is 1 hour 40 mins too much for 9 year old?

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My partners son lives 90 miles away, he still has a house nearby his ex wife's house so when he has his son he takes him there and I stay at home with our baby and my teenage daughter. We would much prefer to bring my partners son to our house so he can spend time with us all as a family and get to know his baby sister but his mum says that the journey is too tiring for him. He would be collected from school by his Dad on a Friday, stay with us over the weekend and then be dropped off back at his mums house Sunday tea time every other weekend. Does this seem unreasonable?

Thanks for replying

They seperated 5 years ago, and I have been with dp for 3 years. I wasn't instrumental in the break up.

Then she needs to stop the games and move on.

Broken record. Be consistent. Firm but fair.

The divorce really needs finalising!

My partner has had a solicitors letter suggesting that he continues seeing his son in his home town. It also says that the time they spend to together should be 1 on 1 because that's what his son would prefer.

A solicitor has printing it on letterhead doesn’t meant that your partner is anymore obliged to act on it.

Don’t let the Mother have such autonomy over your family life. It might be nice to have 1-2-1 time but that’s not realistic EOW in a family with other children.

I agree she does but dp says that it's not in her nature to conceed to anything.

@CagneyNYPD

Agree with *@CornishTiger*. Some context here would be useful.

Your DP has older children with his ex as well as the 9 year old? When did they separate and are they actually divorced?

I'm going to be blunt. We're you involved in their break up? If she thinks you were, then perhaps the ex is simply trying to protect her son from further hurt. Context is really important here.

Even if op was involved in their breakup the ex is behaving like a petulant child, she's not doing what's best for her child, she's doing what's best for her regardless of the negative impact on her child. That is not okay.

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. My DP's ex pulled the same shit. The difference being he wouldn't take her to court (the thought of it overwhelmed him, it felt too confrontational, and he thinks she is a great mum generally so accepted her dictating to him ). Personally I feel they have both done their DC a massive disservice, as it's fractured the parent/ child relationship with her dad, and it's non-existent with his large extended family, as he/ we always have to travel to see the DC. Everything is on his exes terms. Court will be stressful, but it's worth it.

Can I just ask, why can't you AND DD stay at his house with DP and his DS?

Oh and no it's not too long at all (original question). My DC did it and enjoyed the train time with me, eating sushi, playing UNO, and getting homework done. And the return drive back with their dad.

@TrustTheGeneGenie
You are absolutely right. The ex's behaviour is no OK. But the context here is important. What if, as a worst case scenario, the marriage had broken down less than a year ago due to infidelity and the OP was the pregnant OW at the time? If that was the context, then the ex wife's behaviour would be somewhat understandable.

But we now know that the situation is very different. It would appear that the ex wife is being unreasonable in blocking the ds from forming a relationship with his new sibling.

It is still not clear if the divorce is finalised, which would probably make the situation a bit messier.

I know that he has every right just to bring his ds to our house eow and he doesn't need permission. He 'tows the line' so to speak firstly to avoid any repercussions on the children. I think one poster described her actions as that of a petulant child, well that is fairly accurate and her mood swings have an adverse effect on his dc and his adult daughter who lives with them too. Secondly incase she stops all contact with him. If that happened then it would be hopefully rectified in court but that could take some time and he worries what effect that would have on his son. We know that she talks about us in quite a disparaging manner. I'm referred to as the other woman, (just to reiterate, they had been seperated for a couple of years when I met dp) and our baby is referred to as the 'illegitimate child'

[quote CagneyNYPD]@TrustTheGeneGenie
You are absolutely right. The ex's behaviour is no OK. But the context here is important. What if, as a worst case scenario, the marriage had broken down less than a year ago due to infidelity and the OP was the pregnant OW at the time? If that was the context, then the ex wife's behaviour would be somewhat understandable.

But we now know that the situation is very different. It would appear that the ex wife is being unreasonable in blocking the ds from forming a relationship with his new sibling.

It is still not clear if the divorce is finalised, which would probably make the situation a bit messier.[/quote]
Just because it's "understandable" (though tbh I cannot understand anyone hurting their child to get to an ex) doesn't mean it's acceptable.

Ridiculous! Of course it's not too far for a 9yo to visit his father for the weekend. We regularly stick our 3 yo in the car for 3-4 hour drives to visit relatives at weekends. I opened this thread thinking it was going to be about school commutes (in which case I would have said yes, it is too far).

Tell your DH to get a backbone, stand up to his ex and parent how he pleases (within reason).

I did this! I liked it, I used to fall asleep in the car on a Friday night and then manage to stay awake longer on the Friday night for film night. Before the car naps I used to be asleep by 7 anyway on a Friday.... not that different now either!

I used to do my homework in the car on a Sunday.

Surely keeping him away from his dads family will make him feel like he isn’t part of the family.

Just because there’s a solicitors letter it doesn’t mean anything, the Mum will have told them to put that - we don’t know her motives. She could be genuine, but also could be petty. She might genuinely think he would prefer it, but within a few weeks he might be happier with the situation.

It’s also unfair on your baby (I think that’s what I read) to be missing out on weekend time with their Dad when presumably he’s at work the rest of the week.

You know it's not unreasonable. Does he know he gets a say too, as dad? He can tell her no if he wanted.

Dp has asked in writing once more if he can share the school holidays with her and has listed some dates that he could have him.

She has refused this so once he gets the certificate from the mediation company he's going to start court proceedings.

We also found out that the reason he couldn't have him for half the Easter holidays (that he was booked into childcare) wasn't true. He's been at home with his older sister.