Is 1 hour 40 mins too much for 9 year old?

[ditsyprint]

My partners son lives 90 miles away, he still has a house nearby his ex wife's house so when he has his son he takes him there and I stay at home with our baby and my teenage daughter. We would much prefer to bring my partners son to our house so he can spend time with us all as a family and get to know his baby sister but his mum says that the journey is too tiring for him. He would be collected from school by his Dad on a Friday, stay with us over the weekend and then be dropped off back at his mums house Sunday tea time every other weekend. Does this seem unreasonable?

Unless there is a medical condition that's hardly going to be an exhausting trip for a 9 year old. We drive that far round trip nearly every night in summer and 3 times a week in winter for DD's 7 and 11 to ride plus they are messing about at the stables ah good while then needing to get up for school the next day. Their dad also lives quite far away - not as far as your situation but he doesn't drive so the time spent on public transport would be comparable. When there are parties they don't want to miss we either swap weekends, he grudgingly takes them or I collect. Sometimes he has to suck up missing a weekend say for brownie camp if it falls on his although that's not really connected to distance. It's not a huge problem if you can be flexible.

If the goal is to have the son spend some time with his sibling, why not go with your partner on occasion when he makes the trips? I assume that your partner would not have agreed to this situation if it were not acceptable to him.

A 9 year old might prefer to have his time one on one with his dad. Given the opportunity to spend time alone with his father and not having to travel, why would he not think that the better solution? Even a 9 year old is capable of making a choice in his own best interest.

He may love your daughter dearly, but at age 9 , his focus is not on cultivating a relationship with your infant or toddler.

If his father maintains a fully furnished house, why can't you travel sometimes with your partner? This would limit the number of times that the son has to make the trip, and he might find fewer trip less objectionable.

@ditsyprint

Thank you, I didn't think it was unreasonable either but I just felt I needed a second opinion.

My partner has had a solicitors letter suggesting that he continues seeing his son in his home town. It also says that the time they spend to together should be 1 on 1 because that's what his son would prefer.

When he has visited previously he always seems to have a lovely time. He's chatty and cheeky and we love spending time with him. He adores his baby sister but hasn't seen her in months. I just feel its time things changed.

Anyone can get a solicitor to draw up a letter with these suggestions - because it’s not breaking any law - but it means nothing and wont hold up in court. Your DSS has a right to spend time with his family in the family home, to have a relationship with his sibling. His mother is trying to deny him this right. She is being controlling in the only way she knows how.

BTW, when my DD went to secondary school, she had to travel for over an hour each way daily on 2 buses, so no, I don’t feel that a journey of the length you stated is unreasonable for him.

Also, you could always all go over together and spend time at his other house - that’d really put the cat amongst the pigeons!

I think one on one time is crucial and as your DH has the luxury of a second home, it's easy enough to achieve with one weekend at yours, one weekend at the second home. I cannot for the life of me see how the Ex can object to that.

Like a pp, I think that on an alternative weekend basis or school holidays, it's not unreasonable, but actually, I wouldn't see 3 hours and 20 minutes (without delays) as travel for 48 hours of contact tbh. Especially, when it's not a necessity as oh has alternative accommodation more locally.
I also think that 1:1 time with his father is beneficial as it is for your daughter without oh around. Then the time that is together with sibling, will be a ore valued.
However, the travel maybe more manageable once in secondary school though that may then be more difficult if he has lots of homework or after school curricular activities.

No it’s fine. Also it’s your DP’s decision not hi S ex-wife’s. On the face of it one assumes she is trying to prevent your DSS forming a relationship with his sister, which is poor. You DP needs to lay it down, this is not good for his son,

I agree with all the others. Sounds like an excuse for what the real issue is, that ex would rather he spent time 1-1 and didn’t have a new family. Not uncommon, but yes unreasonable. Something she is going to have to get used to.

It’s only EOW anyway, I would be allowing the travelling, its important he gets to be part of the family in as equal amount it’s important he gets some 1-1 time. Long term it won’t be feasible for him to travel there to see him all of the time nor should it be.

DP should let his mum know he will be making the journey each time he has him now; will still get 1-1 time. It’s not up to ex what he does on his contact time.

Be prepared for letters though. Solicitors for
Her will write whatever she wants though, when it actually gets to court that another matter entirely and she won’t be able to dictate whatever she likes, so if she wants to push it that far, let her.

So the lawyers letter is from the mum? Presumably it’s framing her preference or request and is not legally binding? Did DH respond?

I don’t think the travel time is an issue if he’s being collected on a Friday.night. It’s important to be/feel integrated into wider family. I’ve seen waaaaaay longer journeys mentioned on here for children half the age of your DSS.

I like the suggestion from @Mumdiva99 of starting off every other week. 1:1 time is important and this would be a great compromise. And perhaps on the weekends he is with his dad but not at your house you could do lots of nice face time and your baby can send him hand print pics etc?

But PPs are right that the mum is unlikely to have a leg to stand on here. So if the ultimate goal is DSS with you every time then aim for that over a time that works for him.

DP should let his mum know he will be making the journey each time he has him now; will still get 1-1 time. It’s not up to ex what he does on his contact time.

This is a good point. DSS and his dad can still have 1:1 time at your place. And yes, the mum will just have to adjust.

Op, I never had to drive my kid around for contact but did for school, a total of 3 hours a day and of those we would be alone in the car for 1.5 hours with no distractions. It was amazing, we had these long conversations, sung, told jokes to each other, etc. We are so close thanks to those long hours in the car when he was young.

Eventually he moved to a school only 5 minutes away, I missed the commute badly as it helped me to relax when I was alone in the car and was so central to the relationship we had.

I once asked DS if he missed his old school, he said he didn’t but missed our times in the car.

BTW, she cannot dictate where the child spend the contact time with their dad unless he is a danger to his kid, so I would just ignore the letter.
BUT....
There are some advantages at having the child traveling back to you only half of the time (for example, one weekend he stays at home, the next time in the house near to the mum):

1. that would give your SC and your teen daughter the opportunity to have one to one time with their parents without having to run the day to meet the needs/interests of a child who is older and younger than the other one (I see this time as my catch up with DS)

2. your weekends do not turn up to be all about DS (many NR parents asume that because they don’t see their children very often that when they are around their needs and wants are more important than those of the “resident” children)

3. you still have the opportunity to do things as a family on alternate contact weekends but not being every weekend you can balance things more easily to meet the different demands of the kids (believe me trying to get a teenager to join you when the younger kid wants to go to the park, it is a difficult act).

4. you get free time to catch up with yourself. When DP is with his kids I catch up with my son, my friends, the house and all those things I enjoy doing that DP is not keen on

So perhaps it would keep her sweet to suggest a middle ground, now if the once a month weekend is a success, you can increase how often it happens or reduce it if it doesn’t work, without much problems. The main issue, however is how long he can afford to keep two houses, but if he can keep his house near to his son, it may be the best of both worlds.

I think its a long drive but doable and worth it. I think one to one time is important - but so is being part of the family. I don't think its good for your partner's son to spend two days a fortnight with his Dad, while his Dad spends the majority of his life with the rest of the family in a different home. I wonder if it might feel like you, your daughter and baby are your partner's "real" family.

I think its such a shame when a parent moves so far away.

My stepdaughter did a 2 hour trip to our house on a Friday/Sunday EOW from when she was 8. If she had a party to go to my H would stay up near her home town instead. She’d catch up with her dad for an hour and then snooze for an hour and we’d do dinner for when she arrived with us.
I suspect your SS’s mum is like my SD’s mum and just didn’t want her to be a part of our family. But that’s not her choice!

Trouble with saying what dad does on contact time is up to him is that if the ex disagrees then decides it wont happen then she will just stop contact. The reality is that there is nothing realisticallty a NRP can do apart from keep going back to court. Even then unless there is extreme neglect then there will be no real consequences. On MN the shout is 'go to court' in RL it is not the answer to a RP who calls the shots.

@ditsyprint

Thank you, I didn't think it was unreasonable either but I just felt I needed a second opinion.

My partner has had a solicitors letter suggesting that he continues seeing his son in his home town. It also says that the time they spend to together should be 1 on 1 because that's what his son would prefer.

When he has visited previously he always seems to have a lovely time. He's chatty and cheeky and we love spending time with him. He adores his baby sister but hasn't seen her in months. I just feel its time things changed.

Well there you go, its not about the sons wishes its the ex dictating to stop son from connecting with you and become part of dads family. Its not the mothers business what the father does with the son during their time together, as long as theres no welfare concerns. She can waste her money on solicitors if she wants but the law doesnt back her up on this. As someone mentioned you could start with every other weekend to gradually build it up to allow son time to adjust. Send her a polite and brief email explaining the plan and that it is in sons best interest to spend time and bond with paternal family too. At 9 its not too far. Your DP could even make it their thing and stop for snack on the way, sing sons in the car, quality time catch up chats etc. Im sure his son will enjoy little road trips with dad. Unfortunately ex may kick off but cross that bridge if you get there . DP needs to stand his ground

My partner has had a solicitors letter suggesting that he continues seeing his son in his home town. It also says that the time they spend to together should be 1 on 1 because that's what his son would prefer solicitors will write whatever they are paid to write, I wouldn't even entertain that letter tbh.

What happens in contact time is nothing to do with mum.

Hold on what?

He had a letter from his ex solicitor suggesting he only have one on one contact and only local?

This is utterly bizarre. Unless there is a huge backstory here then I simply don’t understand why your partner hasn’t just said “ hmmmm ok nah that’s not happening - see you Monday bye”

What he does on his contact days is nothing to do with his ex. It’s as simple as that.

Now if your partner refuses to change it for HIS own reasons then that’s a different conversation- but don’t be fooled into thinking their is some kind of legal footing for his ex over location of the contact because there absolutely is not (again, assuming no big backstory).

It’s not too far to travel, he should be spending time with your family and his sibling and your partner should be doing his best to blend his kids and partner together. They can have plenty of one and one time, like lots of other families who do the exact same thing day in day out, without needing two homes.

The dad obviously has a reason for maintaining the property and the weekends spent there with his son may provide regular opportunity for him to check on and maintain upkeep of the property.

If the dad is less dissatisfied with this arrangement than is the OP, in her place I would stay out of it and let the mom and dad handle the arrangements. I think it rarely bodes well for a new relationship when the new partner tries to change something that has been working well for a while for the parents. If neither parent viewed their arrangement as broken , then they may not feel compelled to fix it.

If the dad can afford to keep his property, and if he is meeting his financial obligations to his new child, I would make something else my focus. When the father is truly tired of this arrangement he will make the necessary adjustments. He may feel that intermittent contact between an infant or toddler and a 9 year old is sufficient for the moment.

He may also just be enjoying a space where he has time with his son without his ex or his current partner having input. The going to a space that belongs solely to him may be a collateral benefit that he has come to enjoy.

If this arrangement is not causing a major hardship for your partner, I would neither object to nor make it a big issue in your relationship. Perhaps your partner still thinks of himself as a man who lives in 2 places.

Sounds to me like BM has a problem.

My DSD does a longer trip than that; her mum tried to suggest it was too much but we said it wasn’t feasible to go there all the time and pay to stay there particularly as it was her that moved that distance away. Pre covid we would try to go and stay near there (there’s tourist areas within an hour of hers) every few months and if there’s something she wants to do that weekend like a party then we’ll work around that.

Thanks everyone for your input, it is really helpful.

I'm going to have a chat with my DP when he gets back from his weekend with his son and suggest that he brings him to our house every other of his weekends so once a month. Its a compromise all round, both for appeasing his mum and gives my partner and I chance to spend one on one time with our children.

DP will keep his house in his home town, there's no mortgage on it and its good to have somewhere nearby his children. (He has 2 grown up girls in their 20's) It also means that we can spend some weekends there too so his son doesn't need to travel, but that would probably not be until my daughter is old enough to stay at home by herself.

ultimately its up to DP what he would like to do and I will just offer my full support.

regarding the solicitors letter he said he would agree to seeing him in his other house by himself during the pandemic but when things go back to normal he would take his son to visit family whenever he felt it was appropriate.

solicitors will write whatever they are paid to write, I wouldn't even entertain that letter tbh.

This! Some of the demands in letters received via exp's solicitor were absurd. I don't know why he wasn't being advised better tbh, although maybe he was but my ex is extremely headstrong and told him that's what was to be written regardless. Most was ignored and once we reached court judge certainly did not support him.

Another thing is that time in a car with an older child is often great for chatting. Not looking at each other seems to make it easier so they'll still have 1:1 time.

I don't think it's an unreasonable journey but it's lovely they spend time together alone. It's exactly what my ex did with dd and it worked so well for us. She's an adult now but it really made her feel special to spend quality time with her dad and not just pushed into his new family.

Maybe do both. Definitely don't stop the one to one. My dd has a fantastic relationship with her father and always wanted to see him. She definitely didn't want to spend all that time with her stepmother and step siblings.

Sounds perfectly fine to me. Your DP might have to drive both journeys though if she doesnt like the idea.