Is 1 hour 40 mins too much for 9 year old?

[ditsyprint]

My partners son lives 90 miles away, he still has a house nearby his ex wife's house so when he has his son he takes him there and I stay at home with our baby and my teenage daughter. We would much prefer to bring my partners son to our house so he can spend time with us all as a family and get to know his baby sister but his mum says that the journey is too tiring for him. He would be collected from school by his Dad on a Friday, stay with us over the weekend and then be dropped off back at his mums house Sunday tea time every other weekend. Does this seem unreasonable?

update Everything we proposed regarding dp son spending time with us has been refused by his Mum. All their time together has been spent at his other house on a 1 to 1 basis as this is what his mum insists upon.

A couple of weeks ago dp asked which week of the Easter holidays he could have with his son, the reply was neither, just the usual contact as holiday club had been booked weeks ago and would incur a cost to cancel.

Dp has started mediation proceedings and has had his initial mediation and assessment meeting. I really hope its successful and we can move on from this. Dp is hoping that his usual contact remains the same, but he wants to push for half of the school holidays and every other Christmas but most importantly he wants no more interference from his ex regarding what him and his son do during their time together and certainly no more conditions attached to being able to see him. Does anyone have any experience of mediation?

If it was just overnight, during a school week, of course that’s too much... A weekend, as long as he’s back on Sunday in plenty of time to wind down for dinner and bed? Not an issue. Holidays? Again - not an issue. She’s being controlling.

DP should sell or let his house, which would make this situation impossible for her to continue.

Yes she absolutely is controlling. That's why hopefully an agreement in writing via a mediator might make things easier.

He doesn't want to sell his house, there will be times when he will stay there with his son, if he has a friends party or such like that means he needs to stay local. It's also a bolt hole for his grown up daughters to use should they need it when they need time out from their mum.

It’s the ex trying to dictate your life.

Great that you've started mediation. Hopefully she will now engage and you get a good solution. Although i'd prepare mentally for the possibility of going to court if she just will not engage.

Courts don’t look kindly on this shit, though. They see it for what it is. Mediation is smart too.

Similar time to transfer for my oh and his dc.

While it was a schlep in terms of a chunk of time, it’s a great way to chatter and spend time together

This is absolutely DP decision

I used to take my dc all over the place, this woman is being difficult for being difficulty’s sake. Your dp needs to explain calmly and clearly that contact is for the benefit of the child and a journey of 90miles at the beginning and end of a weekend is absolutely fine

I’ve done this trip and back in a day with my ds from when he was 8 or 9 to see relatives.

Just seen your update @ditsyprint

Good for your DP! Good for him! He’s doing the right thing and courts will see what she’s doing

Good luck

If your DH wanted to take his son 90m away for a scouting event or a camping holiday alone, or to visit a relative, I don’t think it would be an issue with this woman. If she wanted him driven for HER benefit, even better. She’s being a twat because she’s jealous of your ever after.

The ex has absolutely zero grounds to make these sorts of demands. It’s intensely demanding and no court in the land would back her.

The one thing I would possibly insist on in your partners shoes, is EOW contact that sees your partner collect from school on a Friday and drop back on a Monday. Schools and teachers are critical with parents like this. If they see this child happy at pick up and happy at drop off on a Monday - it categorically removes any obstacles to the mother basically making up allegations.

My exp EXW was very much like this, and has basically been silenced in every horrible allegation / obstruction she made since the children are dropped straight to school. If the parent is also controlling/ high conflict it removes a handover that can be difficult for the child and makes transitions much easier. I think more EOW contact should operate that way as standard. Would shut a lot of complaining golden uterus women up.

Oh and by the way. She sounds like she could very easily cite a host of behaviours if your partner starts doing as he wishes and his son bonds further with his sister. Don’t underestimate how nasty these women can become when told no.

Surely it's not in his sons best interests to basically have no relationship with his siblings? 1 on 1 time is great but your DH can do that in other ways, he can take him out for a walk or to the park over the weekend by himself but he should be at your home interacting with your (HIS) family.

Surely all this leads to is him growing up and feeling completely disconnected from not only his Dad's life but that of his siblings too?

I don't know how that can possibly be in the best interests of the child even if it's what he thinks he wants right now.

All their time together has been spent at his other house on a 1 to 1 basis as this is what his mum insists upon

It's not up to her to insist on anything.

Good luck with mediation.

Ex should be careful because even if it was your DP who moved, a judge in court would probably order that the journey is shared (either one does one way and the other the return, or half way meeting point).

Thank you for the replys

The latest update is the dp's ex will agree to mediation regarding child access if the mediate on financial matters at the same time. Dp checked with his solicitor and she said that it wouldn't be a bad idea so he has agreed to this with the proviso that the child access be agreed and signed off before any finances are discussed.

The finances will take a while, all the information for full disclosure would take a long time to gather together I should think. I think she may have thrown the two issues in together do delay the child access.

update

Mediation failed so next step is court.

Get this for a crazed ex wife. Dictated 11 yr old daughter picked up after school on a Thursday, drove back to be with myself and her dad (partner) 1h 30 mins away. Said daughter then gets up at 5.15 am Friday to be taken back to school for 1h 30 min journey 8.30. (Same journey back Friday after school) Repeated arrangement Monday morning up at 5.15 am. All to fall in line in coincidence with the mother having a Friday and Monday off work to go off on her long weekend breaks, and enjoy herself.
Sod that for a game of soldiers

I don't think there's any issue with what your dp is proposing but just two things.. This Easter, if he doesn't usually have him half the holidays he should have asked much further ahead.. The RP needs to organise childcare and I have sympathy with her on that one if it's booked and paid for. Secondly, it's very likely that as the son gets older, he will either social or sporting or music or whatever commitments in his home town, and whilst the relationship with other parent is of course v v important, you can't really tell a 11/12 year old he can't pursue any kind of sport or hobby on a regular basis because his parents split. I know courts don't agree, but I'm in this situation and have seen my kids so upset because they've missed out on things because ex wouldn't be flexible. It may not become an issue, but you may want to think ahead for how to deal with that. One off events are do-able but regular raining or matches etc are going to be a problem.

I think a month is enough notice for the Easter holidays. My partner checked with the after school club and there wouldn't be any extra charges for cancelling. Personally if it was my child, I would prefer them to spend the school holidays with friends and family rather than after school club.

I appreciate your point on activities and sports but I don't really see any way around this. We can't move closer to his home town as my daughter is in her gcse years so it would be too disruptive to change towns/schools.

You are better people than me. I wouldn't be mediating or going to court. I would simply be bringing the child home as your partner is well entitled to do with parental responsibility. If she doesn't like it and stops contact, that will reflect VERY badly on her for any ensuing court proceedings.

I would not be allowing this woman to control your relationship as she currently is.

Christ - she's a nutcase!

The good news is when they go to court and your DP evidences he's tried to have more contact with his son but has also danced to her unreasonable tune it'll help his case.

Re financial discussions. Is the house his ore their marriage? Could it be a marital asset? I wonder if she's going to insist the house is sold and equity split 50/50 if he's not going to use it for contact.

From what you write she sounds like she'd do anything to have the final word and nail the final nail.

She’s trying to interfere with your relationship by disrupting child contact. Why should you not get your partner to be there every other weekend being a dad to your baby too?

Is their separation recent? Was he involved with you before they separated? Asking as it would explain some of her actions.

Agree with @CornishTiger. Some context here would be useful.

Your DP has older children with his ex as well as the 9 year old? When did they separate and are they actually divorced?

I'm going to be blunt. We're you involved in their break up? If she thinks you were, then perhaps the ex is simply trying to protect her son from further hurt. Context is really important here.

I think a month is enough notice for the Easter holidays

It isn’t. Some clubs etc fill up months in advance. If she is used to having to sort childcare, she may be doing it way before a month in advance. And it is frustrating - and possibly embarrassing - to have to cancel.

Your DP will need holidays writing into the court order - as she is clearly controlling ‘half school holidays’ won’t be enough. He will need to think specifics so you don’t give her an excuse to frustrate contact.